Octurbo: Somer Assault

I'm going to need to post some pictures, aren't I? I mean, gee, otherwise this game won't make any sense.

What Walks Down Stairs, Alone or in Pairs, and Absolutely Will Not Stop Until You Are Dead?

Welcome to Somer Assault! Just in case you thought I had a monopoly on all the awful puns around here.The first thing the game asks of you is your birth date, which rings all kinds of warning bells. Fortunately, I don't believe it ever intends to tell you your fortune. Unless that fortune is "you will become very confused". (P.S. It is not actually my birthday today.)All right, I get the "world not of our own" but how do you have a time not of our own? Does this game take place during Smarch?Her conquest to rule the world by global domination in assuming control of the planet, which she intends to do by taking over the Earth. Or an Earth not of our own, at least.Oh boy, our very own trampled ruins.After the previous screenshot we get a long series of her summoning each of the twelve bosses of the game and sending them off to do her bidding, and then this little purple nematode worm shows up to talk shit.Maybe I've seen too many video game heroes with a little humility and self-doubt, but there's something about the sheer badassery on display here that caught me off guard. Slinky threatens in no uncertain terms to do very bad things to Ms. Skullcandles here for waking him up.So this is the hero of Somer Assault. It gets around precisely how you'd expect. Do I need to post a Slinky commercial?It can also fire bullets out of its midsection, and depending on whether it's stretched across two spaces or standing on its side, will fire in different directions. It's versatile, but it takes a while to get used to the rapid switching while moving. Fortunately, there isn't a whole lot of resistance to deal with in the first stage which means you have time to get your bearings.These little flame wheel things are really the only trouble I had coming in here, and they have predictable enough patterns. Also, why flame wheels? Do these seem like future Persona enemies to anyone else?Anyway, Aries is the first and easiest boss, somewhat distancing this game from Final Fantasy Tactics - the only other game I can think of right now with zodiac-based bosses. Goddamn that Wiegraf.Because this game is more or less a shoot 'em up, it's all down to bullet/movement pattern memorization.The other big obstacle is the time limit, with the game unhelpfully pausing the action to warn you that you only have a minute left. Would've been less intrusive to just speed up the music, guys.There are very few safe places to stand (slink?) while this thing is jumping around, so I end up losing a few lives, but fortunately I manage to outlast the mechanical sheep. Screw ewe?Slinking to the next level like a boss while I consult the big wheel of astrology to see what I'm blowing up next. Apparently it's the thing with the horns. Taurus?This game is starting to get weird (only now?). There's a linear route to take, but it involves creating these bridges by walking over red arrows. It's a straight route to the boss, but it still manages to feel obfuscatingly circuitous. Shooting these little knight chess pieces creates all manner of useful upgrades, but I can't sit and farm them forever with that time limit ticking away. Then again, with a few more upgrades, I can probably beat the level a lot faster. Hmm.Though I only have just over a minute left, I managed to bag myself this three-way spreadshot and a health upgrade (those diamonds in the top left). I figure that's worth having to hurry a bit.Taurus the Bull is trapped down in that corner and can't really do much, though it does fire eight-way directional shots from its horns every now and again. As before, there's a few safe areas around here, but sitting there means I can't fire back at him and time is of the essence.I would probably not recommend this tactic normally, but once you've learned a boss's pattern you can afford to get a little more daring. The bosses have been quite interesting so far in that respect: they either kill you quickly or you slowly figure out how they tick and choose your moments. If you go too reckless, you get yourself killed; too cautious and you run out of time.Gemini's stage has these little teleporters which'll no doubt make things interesting, but for now I'm putting an end to this one.

I don't know, for as bizarre as this game is it's kind of growing on me. I'm probably not going to appreciate the more maze-like levels to come, but there's some craft behind this game and some innovative ideas behind its mechanics, if only in the euphemistic sense of the term "innovative" (which is to say "effing weird"). Safe to say there's not a whole lot like this out there (though I have played as a slinky before, in the dire Amiga game Frost Byte).