Octurbo: Last Alert

Of course, Last Alert's claim to fame, or infamy at least, is its story and presentation. A commando unit gets wiped out by the mysterious Force Project: a group of mercenaries and terrorists bent on world domination. A shadowy government organization employs Guy Kazama, the bereaved brother of the leader of the commando unit, to go after them. What follows are a bunch of Rambo-esque missions into enemy territory that get wilder and more nonsensical as the game progresses. These cutscenes are all presented in the customary TG-CD anime style and the voiceovers are... well. Beyond mere words to describe. Suffice it to say, there's a reason Last Alert appears on a lot of "worst dubs" lists.

Nobody Can Screencap My Feelings!

"We put you up front because you're the only one with eyes. Stay frosty."But oh no, treachery is afoot. The commando team is betrayed! Even the leader guy buys it, albeit in a very PG-13 way. Platoon this ain't.The culprits are these four jerks. Clockwise from top left: Chairman Steve, Mr Lee, Dr. Garcia and Colonel Kadat. Yes, before you ask, Mr. Lee has a racist voice.The Force Project's logo is this big Jesus skeleton grasping the world. See what I mean about the Metal Gear influences?"The only guy who can stop them? Him. Guy Kazama." "This guy, Kazama?" "No, Guy Kazama."Welcome to Last Alert! You ain't seen nothing yet.Here's the main Guy (sorry, I'll stop) in the graveyard. "I always thought we'd do everything together, even die." Suicide pacts are a hell of a thing, kids.Agreeing to take down Force Project, Kazama does the Commando kitting out scene. We've been doing Octurbo-CD for four days and this is already the second Commando homage.I guess it's the first Fist of the North Star reference though. Kazama looks ready to explode some heads.I like these map screens. Each stage seems to have its own little diorama.So this is Last Alert. Fairly Commando (the Capcom Arcade game this time, not the movie) so far.Objects have height, but it's never completely clear what you can "shoot over". These barrels don't offer too much protection, for instance. At least they don't explode.I just leveled up! Going up in rank confers all sorts of bonuses. It's just a simple health boost this time, but I'll get stronger weapons eventually too.Health packs are the most useful pick-up. It's vital to maintain your Vital.The first boss is this guy with a hostage. As far as I can tell, there's no way to hurt the hostage or get him killed. That's how to do a hostage fight.Getting a bit battered by the constant gunfire, I bust out one of my sub-weapons. These are finite power-ups that sometimes drop from enemies. I try to save them for bosses, but they're handy for when you're surrounded too. The flamethrower's not actually that useful here, because you need to be near the boss and that puts you closer to his constant bullet output.Well, that's good to know. I'm impressed they didn't typo any of this given how little attention they gave to the voiceover script, which sounds as if it had been put through Babelfish a few times.Stage 1-2's a little more open than the previous area. I've got a wide open space and have to find the eight spots it wants me to blow up before moving onward.X marks the spot. I'm not quite sure how the outside wall is a critical area, but at least I didn't have to go too far to find this one.More power-ups. The grenades require a certain amount of distance, which makes them useful for bosses that don't move around much. The rockets are heat-seekers, so they're good for whatever situation.I don't even have to aim this shit. It's awesome.Wait, are these stealth bombers or Decepticons? Why do they have red-tinted windshields?My favorite sub-weapon are these little Option guys. They fire when you do and even block hits for you.All eight bombs are planted, so now it's time to depart. Fortunately, there's no indication of any time limit. I daren't risk it, all the same.Now, I know I've made some facetious Metal Gear comparisons, but I think having the first boss be a gun-toting guy with a hostage and the second as a tank where the gunner is the real target is fairly far removed from MGS.It takes a few seconds before the gunner shows up, however. It's actually a small mercy, since it lets you get used to dodging the tank's main cannon before adding the extra wrinkle of the gunner's constant machine gun fire. Since you only have half the screen to move around in, this is one of those boss fights you want to end quickly with some power-ups.My colleague is a pretty sneaky sort, turns out. I swear I didn't see him once while in the hangar.So yeah, even though this map looks like it might have a whole bunch of areas, this is the final one for Stage 1. It's a forced side-scroller no less. Nothing fancy, just a run for the exit.These guys are not happy you blew up all their airplanes though, so there's a last ditch attempt to murder you as you run for the airplane. Now it's starting to get a little Goldeneye. Eventually, you catch up to the stealth plane (how fast are you running?) and can hop on to complete the stage.Phew, short game. Thanks for sticking with it to the end, everyone!Oh wait, more story."Damn you, you won't get away with... wow, those look comfortable as hell. That's some amazing stitch-work too. Where'd you buy these?"The giant with the incongruously soft voice announces that the man is now the prisoner of Force Project. I guess blowing up one hangar wasn't going to be enough, was it?Meanwhile, Secret Government Man and Anime Lady puts Kazama on the next flight north to go...... RESCUE THE PRESIDENT. Sorry, just wanted to end on a MGS-style spoiler. I'm done playing now, for serious.

That's Last Alert for you. You really do need the voiceovers to get the most out of it, which is why I'll include a link to a commentary on the full game by those Retsupurae rascals Diabeetus and Slowbeef. It's a fun watch, and the game's a bit longer than you might expect. Also, if Hideo Kojima didn't borrow a few elements from this game's story for his famous series, I'll eat my green beret. Or maybe a raspberry beret. Or maybe just some raspberries (they're in season now!).