Octurbo: Chew Man Fu
by mento
Octurbo Man Week meets Technicality Thursday with Chew Man Fu, the racially-sensitive puzzle game. Do you has what it takes to foil a grotesque stereotype by kicking him directly in his balls? Can you live with the murder of countless innocent hedgehogs, turtles and penguins? Can you abide an old man on a cloud who keeps hitting on you? Then Chew Man Fu might just be for Chew Man You . Of All t...
Octurbo Man Week meets Technicality Thursday with Chew Man Fu, the racially-sensitive puzzle game. Do you has what it takes to foil a grotesque stereotype by kicking him directly in his balls? Can you live with the murder of countless innocent hedgehogs, turtles and penguins? Can you abide an old man on a cloud who keeps hitting on you? Then Chew Man Fu might just be for Chew Man You.
Of All the TG-16 Games I've Encountered in My Travels, This Was the Most... Chew Man
Welcome to Chew Man Fu! Chibi Chun Li is apparently on loan from Puzzle Fighter right now.
Man, all of it? I was kind of banking on half-assing this one.
This LP might be a little insensitive towards the Chinese. Subsequently I will be launching a separate, more deferential edition for Chinese audiences.
Wow, harsh dude. But they're really more like side bun things. You might want to try something like "I'm going to [blank] your buns!" Only, you know, reword it so it's less sexual.
So this is the game. The objective is to move the four marbles onto their colored tiles. I found the kick button right away, which isn't the easiest way to move these orbs around.
I eventually discover that you can hold a button down to simply push them everywhere. It's a little more Katamari-ish from this point onwards.
If you happen to run around time because, say, you spent over a minute figuring out how to push a marble instead of kick it, then these flame dudes show up and chase you across the board. It's pretty rough. We have a concept page for these invincible anti-loiterer enemies, right? Can we name it after Baron Von Blubba? He's my favorite.
Eventually, I get all the balls in place and the level is complete. Hooray! I outwitted some hedgehogs. Looks like they're the ones that are too slow, am I right? Eh? Eh? Ah, fuck it.
I earn these little diamond things based on how well I did. Because this is the first stage and I guess the guy felt sorry for me, I earned a full five of them. Unlike most point-related things, they'll actually serve a purpose later on.
I'm supposed to be dancing? I've just been shuffling balls around. I guess they're occasionally the same thing if you're in those tight ballet stockings.
In this stage, I got a hot tip that I can box these guys in with a little ingenuity. For all my mocking, there's a few layers to this ball business.
This is where I can start cashing in some diamonds for extra lives. He only seems to offer this whenever I'm down to my last one. 
This stage is trickier than it looks, because you're completely defenseless on your non-ball side. If two gorillas decide to walk down the same corridor at either end and I'm caught in the middle, there's no escaping those apes.
Ouch, my empathy. And here I thought that "Chinese Food" music video would be the most sinophobic thing I saw this week.
All right Coach, I'm getting tough. What does that entail, exactly? More aggressive ball pushing?
In case you thought I hadn't been flicking marbles around for the best part of an hour.
If you expected an epic boss battle to finish off the chapter, nope. Just more apes and balls. Call me nuts, but this repetition is getting me a little testy.
Hey, you took my advice!
Oh man, do I have it in me to murder all these adorable penguins? This stage also introduces those little color shifter things, which change all the balls to the same color. Apparently they each have unique properties (the black ones can smash through breakable walls a lot faster than the rest, for instance) but I'll be darned if I want to play any more of this to find out.
"Has the paws to freeze the balls." Sounds like the perfect note to end this on.Chew Man Fu is a novel little take on Sokoban/Adventures of Lolo though some of its mechanics can be a little fiddly at times, especially when moving balls in and out of tight gaps (yeah, yeah, one more salacious gag for the road). There's also that whole issue with the "we think Chinese people are inherently mockable, with their crazy little outfits, goofy names and thousands of years of culture and history" too, but we - a nation that created Custer's Revenge - can't really point fingers at the Japanese for tactless games like this. It's worth noting that the game is known by the far more neutral "Be Ball" in its native country and is presumably less packed with "Egg Roll Dynasty" bon mots. In conclusion, this game has caused me to lose all faith in humanity.
What else might I lose during Octurbo? My appreciation of the 16-bit era? My sanity? My will to live? Keep tuning in to find out!