Book out-take

 Ok so I'm currently in the process of writing a book, and I figured after getting the opinion of only a select few, it's time I threw part of it out into the wild to see people's response.

Now keep in mind that I only selected part of what I've written so far, and it is very much a first draft, so things are likely to change in the future. Also, since it's a first draft, I haven't done any checks for grammar or spelling (even though perhaps I should have). 

With that said, here is part of what I've written so far. Feel free to critisize and offer advice on what you think could be better, but if you could avoid ripping it to shreds completely (unless it is really that bad lol) I'd appreciate it.

From the (as yet) untitled book

From the air, the city looked like a massive concave, with the outer rim comprised of sky-defying, neon-lit high-rises influenced by a mixture of Roman architecture and modern day steel. And as one traveled deeper into the city, towards its heart, it was often described as walking through a warped version of time. The awe-inspiring high-rises were gradually reduced to far less intimidating flats where the influence of classical architecture was still largely prevalent, but streets no longer basked in a continuous ocean of light. Deeper still, the flats gave way to simple houses.

Along the way he came upon at least a half dozen homeless. The war was over, and cities were slowly rebuilding, but many buildings remained destroyed, homes uninhabitable, forcing an unfortunate large group of people to live on the streets.

The government did its best to make lives for those people as comfortable as possible by setting up shelters and providing them with enviro-suits--full-body suits once used by the millitary to shelter soldiers from even the worst of weather circumstance, keeping them warm at all times--but these days they were severely lacking in resources.

Two people he walked past didn’t even have an enviro-suit to protect them from the rain. The elder man held the girl--likely his daughter--in a firm grip as the sat huddled together in their makeshift shelter, comprised of various wooden panels and cardboard. It did little, however, to protect them from the rain as both were completely drenched and shivering.

Adrian stopped, and let out an exasperated sigh, then turned around and walked back towards the couple, knowing full well that he would be likely to scare them more than any storm could. Even so, he couldn’t bring himself to just leave them there without any protection against the elements.

As he approached the two, they stared at him, but not with any fear as he had expected they would, even when he was close enough for them to see the blood-red sclera--the white of a human eye--that betrayed him for what he really was.

“Why don’t you two have an enviro-suit?”

The man looked straight at him, blinking as water dripped down his blond, matted, hair and into his fiery green eyes. The cold reverberated even in the sound of his voice as he spoke. “They didn’t have any left; said they’d have a shipment coming in from another town soon.”

There was something odd about the way he said it. Like a man desperately trying to deny the knowledge of an obvious lie.

“I’m going to assume you were smart enough to check at some shelters, so more than likely they told you they didn’t have enough space.”

He looked at the girl, so caught up in her struggle to stay warm somehow that she didn’t even register the conversation between him and the older man. Despite her face mostly being buried in the man’s coat, Adrian could make out that she was approximately his own age but a more exact estimation was arduous under the current conditions.

Averting his eyes back to the man, he made a beckoning gesture. “Come on. You can stay at my place until the sky clears up.” He waited for a few seconds for some kind of reaction, then continued, “are you going to make me stand here all day?”

“I appreciate the offer,” the man replied, “but I’m afraid I’m going to have to decline.”

Adrian let out an sigh that little to mask his annoyance. “I know I’m a Mage, but you have nothing to worry about; my inhibitor is in perfect working condition.”

“It’s not that. I’m sorry... I can’t.”

“Okay, old man. Perhaps you haven’t noticed it yet, but your daughter isn’t doing too well. Judging from her lack of attention thus far, I’d say she’s running quite a fever, perhaps even a pneumonia. It’s highly improbable that she will get better staying out here.”

The man said nothing, hanging his head, eyes downcast as if in some great inner turmoil. But while Adrian had no intention to leave the two out in this weather, he wasn’t about to wait for a stubborn, old man to make up his mind about the offer either.

He stepped forward and reached down to grab both of them by the arm, and haul them up. The man noticed the intent, and shouted for him to not touch the girl, but his warning came just a fraction too late, and Adrian’s hand came into contact with the girl’s.

His brain was barraged by a sensory overload. Images, voices and other sounds flooded into his brain like a raging tidal wave, confusing his mind; disorienting him.

And then suddenly all became still, and they stood in the black of alter-space. Or to be more precise, their minds manifested a projection of their selves into this realm, a place only Fabric Benders could see into, and that connected them all together before they were outfitted with inhibitors that severed this mental link unless in direct, physical, contact; something that was strictly forbidden.

They looked at each other, both completely naked. For some reason, the mind never deemed it necessary to hide any potential scruple in here, and while he would normally feel shamed for it, he couldn’t help but take in her form in its entirety.

She was absolutely beautiful. Her long hair fell straight down her back, and despite it being as black as alter-space itself, there was a glow to it that made every strand clearly visible.  As his gaze explored her body further, he could feel his heart beating faster, but it wasn’t until their eyes locked that he felt an incredible desire unlike anything he’d ever felt before.

Then, as sudden as he had ended up there, his mind was thrust back into the real world. To outsiders their touch had lasted no more than a second, but to them the experience felt like it had taken a good ten minutes.

As soon as his mind crashed back to reality, he withdrew his hand; not in disgust, but in fear of the consequences of what had just transpired. Everything he did got logged by the inhibitor attached to his central nervous system, and while the majority of that data would be discarded during up-link, this would most certainly would not be.