HOWARD: Good evening, couch potatoes, and welcome to the latest arena of death match. It is a long time coming from the MadWorld that was the Varragin City Deathwatch games, but I can guarantee the bread and circuses haven’t stopped as we watch several insane gladiators duke it out until their innards are strewn all over the arena floors! I am Howard “Buckshot” Holmes, and as always, I am with my partner in crime, Kreese Kreesely.
KREESE: Howard, it’s good to be back.
HOWARD: That it is, Kreese. It has been some time since the last Deathwatch games, where we saw now perennial fan favorite, chaser Jack Cayman, impale, stab, slice, and throw his way to victory in one of the bloodiest contests known to man.
KREESE: The cleanup crews had to work overtime to wipe up the blood Jack left for them.
HOWARD: Sounds like my ex-wife when we're in bed together.
KREESE: Still a sick bastard, Howard?
HOWARD: You know it, Kreese. But regardless, we are back on a murderous rampage with Jack and a slew of new and old faces this time. Anarchy Reigns supreme tonight as our intrepid cybrids beat the loving shit out of each other in all forms of cruel and unusual entertainment.
KREESE: And you aren’t kidding, Howard. We got arenas of death, battle royales, even capture the flag this time for those pasty-faced fuckers as home to enjoy. I’m so excited I can barely keep myself contained.
HOWARD: That’s impressive for you, considering your balls don’t work anymore.
KREESE: Laugh it up, Howard. Laugh it up.
HOWARD: I always do.
KREESE: Although we do have to deal with some business before pleasure before the main event begins. This time around we got to follow our heroes test out their abilities against those cannon-fodder kill seekers littered all over the place!
HOWARD: Right you are, Kreese. Jack and newcomer Leo are the main attractions….
KREESE: Leo? The pretty-boy cosplayer?
HOWARD: The very same. Although I wouldn’t go near him, he's a trained BPS agent who will cut your balls off and feed them to you.
KREESE: What else is new?
HOWARD: Seems like both of them are looking for someone, a rogue agent named Max who went on a killing spree.
KREESE: Unsanctioned killing spree, no doubt!
HOWARD: Right you are, Kreese; it wasn’t in the arena. It was just some crazed bastard wantonly murdering people left and right.
KREESE: Like our contestants, but with pathos to it.
HOWARD: Pretty much.
KREESE: You know, that type of story barely makes any sense.
HOWARD: When do they ever?
KREESE: Good point. Although you've got to admit it doesn’t take too long to get through.
HOWARD: Like my ex-wife when we were having sex.
KREESE: Even shorter than that, Howard!
HOWARD: We can only hope. Thankfully, the arenas were similar to the MadWorld Deathwatch games: open space and lots of mook murdering. Free missions and grinding for points to complete the three main missions in each of the levels.
KREESE: Sounds almost like a video game, Howard.
HOWARD: Yeah, how fucked up is that?
KREESE: That it’s a video game, or that it gets in the way of the main event?
HOWARD: Both really.
KREESE: I can’t fault that vague description at all.
HOWARD: Once the main storyline is completed, though, pretty much all of our fighters will be unlocked for the big brawls.
KREESE: I guess those prison sentences were short and sweet for sixteen vicious killing machines.
HOWARD: Short indeed, all you need to do is get through the storyline once, then discard it completely for pure anarchy online.
KREESE: Online, Howard? This shit is sounding more complicated than Chinese calculus.
HOWARD: Oh Kreese, you ignorant slut, it really is quite simple.
KREESE: Then explain it to my damaged brain instead of beating around the bush!
HOWARD: Something you do on the weekends, Kreese?
KREESE: At least I still get close to bush.
HOWARD:* chuckles* Well, you can take our chosen fighter onto the online arena, and duke it out with up to sixteen different people at once!
KREESE: Sixteen! Holy shit.
HOWARD: Holy shit indeed, Howard. Holy shit indeed. Matches are fast and furious, with blades, bombs, and punches flying everywhere.
KREESE: No kidding. Arena matches are so insane thanks to the Action Trigger Events; one minute you can be beating the tar out of some unlucky bastard and the next–BOOM!–an airplane lands on your head.
HOWARD: Or a black hole appears and throws you across the map.
KREESE: Or Cthulu shows up. That robotic bastard is a pain in the ass to fight, let me tell you. I had to have my eyeballs surgically exchanged after his ray beams melted them out of their sockets.
HOWARD: Sounds like another victim for the Great Old One.
KREESE: Fuck him, I’m still breathing!
HOWARD: But you are absolutely right, though; the ATE events keep the matches fresh and insane enough to make random luck the name of the game over pure skill.
KREESE: Well, you need skill to survive out in the wild, Howard.
HOWARD: But when you get so many fighters in the arena at once, it might just be easier to bash your way to victory through brute force. We see a lot of dense fighters do that over the years, and they finally get a chance to reign supreme in the arena.
KREESE: They don’t call it Anarchy Reigns for nothing, Howard.
HOWARD: Good name drop, Kreese.
KREESE: I earn my paycheck.
HOWARD: But I digress. Sometimes it will just be too tough for fighters out there to show off their technical skills.
KREESE: When you have rampaging mutants, runaway vehicles, and giant robots killing you all at once, I can see the lack of technical skills being unimportant.
HOWARD: Unimportant, yes, but that grows in time….
KREESE: Like a thirteen-year-old going through puberty.
HOWARD: Don’t sell yourself short, now.
KREESE: I never do.
HOWARD: Good for you, Kreese.
KREESE: It also helps that there is a sort of level-up system for our fighters.
HOWARD: That is absolutely right. As you gain levels, you grow even stronger in the virtual arena, unlocking specialty moves that are almost always completely unfair in the grand scheme of things.
KREESE: Screw fairness! After matches, you get awarded points depending on how well you fought–most punches, most items used, kill streaks–the works! You can go from worst to first in the blink of an eye if it’s a closely contested bout!
HOWARD: Right you are. You are never the reigning king of anarchy until the final scores are tallied.
KREESE: It is a good reason to keep on your toes and to learn how to fight, or at the very least learn how to take a hit like a man.
HOWARD: So many never do.
KREESE: That’s why they do the wussy thing and go into the other match modes with teams. We got a ton of those thrown in for good measure just to give you a bit of hope while people better than you carry your ass to victory.
HOWARD: Carrying asses… that should have been a match type.
KREESE: I doubt they had the budget for that one.
HOWARD: Considering how most of the arenas were beaten by the ugly stick, I doubt they had much of a budget anyway.
KREESE: Hey now, at least you can see every little dent on their armor now. True, most of the fighters are built like brick shithouses and look cartoonishly disproportional….
HOWARD: That is part of the appeal though. And let’s be honest, looks don’t matter when you're cutting off someone’s head with a chainsaw.
KREESE: If you’re going that far, then I doubt you would even notice.
HOWARD: That is the point. Even if the ladies are over-sexualized, no one really gives a damn except me and my boner.
KREESE: Wow. Creepy.
HOWARD: Yeah, can we delete that one...
KREESE: Too late, it’s on the air!
HOWARD: Well, it’s true. I mean, look at that Bayonetta chick out there. She’s not even part of the main roster, and she’s smokin’ hot!
KREESE: She can kill you with her hair.
HOWARD: She can kill me whichever way she wants. growl
KREESE: Well, Howard just went full pervert on us. What is she doing here anyway?
HOWARD: My guess is she’s guest-starring as a special download or something. Hopefully more fighters follow suit to keep Anarchy Reigning.
KREESE: That was a poor name drop.
HOWARD: I know, but I got to get paid too.
KREESE: I must admit that I am hoping more fighters join the arena this year. There is a lot of potential for something big to happen.
HOWARD: And with sixteen-
KREESE: Seventeen!
HOWARD: … seventeen fighters and eight arenas to choose from, the variety is enough to keep things fresh for now. Hopefully our sponsors keep adding to the mix to make the matchups as varied and bat-shit insane as possible.
KREESE: Knowing our sponsors, they love this arcade-style crap. I just hope they can afford to keep giving us more.
HOWARD: Thankfully, tickets to the show are discounted at $30.00.
KREESE: $30.00? That’s a fucking steal for the price, even though it makes us look cheaper than a hooker in the red light district.
HOWARD: No one ever said we were high class, Kreese.
KREESE: It’s the principle, Howard. The principle!
HOWARD: We let those go the moment we came on in the booth here, and dropped the name Anarchy Reigns like it’s some title or something.
KREESE: Now you’re just breaking the 4th wall. That shit needs to stop.
HOWARD: Ok, ok. Want to wrap this up then?
KREESE: Please. I doubt anyone is listening to us at this point.
HOWARD: Oh ye of little faith. Folks, if you are looking for a close-quarters brawler which makes no bones about having fun with audacious, off-the-wall characters and insanely twisted scenarios, Anarchy Reigns is the game for you.
KREESE: You make it sound like we have a niche audience.
HOWARD: We do.
KREESE: Screw that! You listening at home, get off your lazy asses and just play the damn thing. It’s like Team Fortress 2, only crazier.
HOWARD: Now who’s breaking the 4th wall?
KREESE: Fuck you, buddy.
HOWARD: And I love you too, Kreese. Well, that is all the time we have. This is Howard “Buckshot” Holmes, and for Kreese Kreesley, remember to let heads roll and the blood flow as Anarchy Reigns supreme!
Author's Note: This review was originally written for Blistered Thumbs back in 2013. It has been slightly edited from its original form and posted here for preservation. The characters presented are from the game MadWorld, and their language was made to reflect their characterization from that game.