Well, it's been a while since we've talked about Battleship, the classic naval combat/warfare game. But if you thought the movie was a mess that sunk your battleship, think again. These two crappy Activision tie-in video games, like the film, actually do not exactly play like the board game it's supposed to be based on, and I'm not surprised that Activision (of ALL companies! ugh!) developed these, because most of their movie or television tie-in games range from mediocre to TERRIBLE!
While Nintendo's versions (Wii, DS, 3DS) were "mixed or average" (duh!), the other versions (PS3, XBOX 360 were heavily criticized; the Nintendo console versions are a Magic Pockets turn-based strategy game, but guess what the versions for the other consoles are. Take a look at the screenshot below.
If you said they are this, which is a Double Helix generic military first person shooter, you win the prize.
Here, take my Texas Instruments Speak & Spell. The entire thing's in French, the batteries are dead, and the readout is broken, but hell, it's yours.
Nintendo's version of Battleship is basically a shameless poor man's version of Advance Wars that lacks a VS mode, and has little to nothing to do with the source material, but yes, versions of the other consoles are much, much more nauseating. Double Helix unabashedly ripped off Battlefield's gameplay, and used it for their own FPS, which I can only assume is pseudo ripping off Call of Duty. Yeah, that's a video game franchise that's dominated the market, but you know, FPS, it's all anyone really cares about nowadays. God I hate being an equal opportunity crap reviewer.
So, let's not waste any more time, and jump into the battle at sea. Let's review this thing.
These games can be beaten in four hours yet were released for a full retail price of $60. Also, the game for some strange reason lacks additional content such as multiplayer mode or extras (except for really unnecessary stuff such as advertisements for America's Navy: A Global Force For Fighting Good; gimme a break already). With poor graphics, it's clearly obvious that this game, like I said, is not a console version of the board game.
Despite being a tie-in, there are NO characters from the movie anywhere in this crappy game at all; they are not even mentioned in the slightest. In fact, it has barely anything to do with the movie, other than the fact that it takes place in Hawaii and involved the same alien species, so it therefore also lacks a complete story.
There are actually only seven levels that are criticized for being generally repetitive; they involve destroying alien jammers every time throughout the entire godforsaken game, with only five simple weapons available: Handgun, Shotgun, Rifle, Alien Machine Gun, Alien Sniper Rifle.
Worse, there is no challenge in killing the enemy ships during the RTS segments; just spam the missiles and they die, which makes the cards you collected from the enemy pointless except giving your ship more firepower.
The graphics are also very counterfeit, looking like something made in the early 2000s, before the seventh generation. To make matters worse, all friendly NPCs have their entire faces covered up with balaclavas and goggles because the devvies were apparently too lazy-assed to give them proper facial animations.
Why even bother making a film based on a sort of board game? Like J. J. Abrams, Michael Bay never learns from his mistakes...
And before I go, I got something else I wanna say...in fact, I got two.
As for the 2 Battleship games Mindscape invented years before the horrendous film even existed...There's Battleship (NES/Game Gear): a very boring game with only 1 player. The graphics are great, & the music is decent, but otherwise it's not really that fun.
And now, the sequel...Super Battleship: The Classic Naval Combat Game (Sega Genesis/SNES). Since this one is on more powerful hardware, you'd think it'll be better?
WRONG. It's actually WORSE IN EVERY ASPECT.
The graphics in particular have seen a VERY noticeable downgrade from good-looking graphics to hideous, nauseating pre-Windows 9x MS Paintbrush graphics. The music is now abysmal drones that fail to imitate military music. The controls are very boring and sometimes even delayed. As for the gameplay? GAMEPLAY!?!? Hoo boy, it is TORTURE.
The classic mode doesn't even let you put down ships on the bottom squares, WHICH IS SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN DO IN BOTH THE PREQUEL AND THE ACTUAL BOARD GAME ITSELF!!! As for the super mode, you start off on a map. You guide your blue ships throughout the map, HOPING one of them goes towards a red ship to engage in a tedious battle that is either insultingly easy, or EXTREMELY unfair! And it repeats over and over and over and OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER AGAIN until maybe, just MAYBE you complete the mission! Oh, and those missiles? Ya know what, forget those. Who the hell even cares? 99/100 they'll miss the ship, making them useless.
Overall, the NES Battleship game is boring, but the SEQUEL...it's one of the worst games I have ever played...
OH, AND GUESS WHAT ELSE I'VE PLAYED?
WOO!
YEAH!
MAKE YOUR SELECTION NOW, BABY!
MMM YESSIREE, THAT'S RIGHT, I'VE PLAYED ACTION 52. YOWZA, ABSOLUTELY BOTH VERSIONS INDEED. ON MAME'S BUILT-IN SLOW NES AND GENESIS EMULATORS.
I'll just go back to playing the actual Battleship on my Windows 9x PC instead, thank you very much.