Ah, Cliffy B, you saucy minx. Cliffy, or Clifford--whatever the hell you're calling your ass these days--you really know how to draw a gamer in, don't you? You promise me fantastic graphics (courtesy of the now-overused Unreal 3 engine) a smooth frame rate, expansive levels, and compelling action.
What do you give me? Everything you promised...except that last little tidbit.
Gears of War certainly looks stellar. Seriously, this game is beautiful. The devestated cities of planet Sera are gorgeous, despite their ruinous state; the game does indeed run quite smoothly; and although you didn't mention it, Cliffy boy, the sound is outstanding (shooting fools in surround sound: badassery); but, the action...
Cliffy, my man, what gives? Where is this compelling action you talked (a fucking lot) about? I ran a lot, found cover a lot; shot a little, now and then; got wasted more than necessary... You just don't want me to have fun, do you Cliff?
OK, OK, you got me. I did have a little bit of fun, on occasion--mostly when I wasn't dying. The problem, Clifford sir, is this: I died a lot. I'm no gaming slouch, Mr. B. I know my way around vidyagames, sonny. Even so, this game kicked my ass, gave me a wedgie, and made me its bitch. Seriously, Cliff, I cried.
Do you want to know what kept me going, Cliffy? Would you like to know the area of your game's design in which you magnificantly succeeded? That would be the character department. As hard as this damn game was, I pushed forward, hoping Marcus, Dom, and the whole Scooby gang made it out of this war alive. They aren't the deepest, most fleshed-out video game characters of all time--don't get too excited by my praise, Cliff--but I couldn't help but like the bastards.
To sum things up, Spiffy Jiffy Cliffy What the Hell B, Gears of War is an above-average looking and sounding game, populated with likeable heroes, and dispicably vile enemies (seriously, the Locust Horde is frickin' nasty, dude). The gameplay, however, is merely ho-hum.
Cliffy, I hope you don't go writing checks your sequel, Gears of War 2 (or is that Kudo Tsunoda's sequel?), can't cash. I really want the gameplay to live up to my expectations this time around. Maybe then, I won't be such a dick to you in the GoW 2 review.
Maybe.
