Kratos thrusts his white cock into the world's ass

Previously on God of War, things passed away. That’s as apt a summation of the series as I can think of. Greek mythology, when not toned down for Saturday afternoon children’s cartoons or big budget crapfests starring Sam Worthington, are more about blood and guts than anything else. (Well, anything short of explaining phenomenon which primitive Greek science could not. Forget ion charges inside clouds, lightning occurs because an angry bearded man throws them out of his hands.) So God of War games, on virtue of mortality, are probably the best use of Greek mythology unrelated to Kevin Sorbo. 
 
And here we have God of War 3, the 8 hour ending sequence to God of War 2, but presented in HD-ready Internal-Organs-O-Vision on the Playstation 3. I firmly believe that no franchise has benefited more from the shift to High Definition than God of War. With upmost respect to the Playstation 2, that system couldn’t properly display Kratos’s sociopathic tendencies; as the God of War ripped and torn apart walking polygonal dolls. Here, heads are decapitated with great detail given to the tearing skin and muscle on the neck and all manner or organs burst out of a centaur like New Year’s confetti. If you have a squeamish girlfriend, keep her away from the living room as you play this game. If you have a son, keep him away from the living room as you play this game, unless you want him to think this stuff is cool. 
 

On that note of senseless violence, I will say that God of War 3’s best attribute is the boss battles. You know how in foreign martial arts movies or 80s/early 90s action movies, a series of jerk villain henchmen are introduced for no reason other than the promise of watching the hero having an inevitable brawl with them? God of War is that kind of movie. Very early on, a series of celebrities from Greek mythology are introduced, with the unspoken vow that they will annoy and frustrate Kratos. That unspoken vow is followed by Kratos’ very spoken vow to rip them to hell. And he will. Each boss battle is multi-tiered, and sometimes very big. You will sometimes either fight someone several hundred times bigger than you are, fight something on top of the back of someone a hundred times bigger than you, or both. But even small fries like Hermes the Messenger Boy of the Gods, or Hercules the Dumb Muscle of the Gods, will both put up memorable challenges and die in violent and ironic ways. The Sony Santa Monica developers have crooked imaginations. 
 
This is all part of Kratos’ plan to mess up Zeus. Why? Well you kind of have to approach God of War 3 with the mentality that Kratos is at best, “irrational”, and at worst “batshit insane.” Your killing of the various gods causing supernatural chaos and destruction. Kratos quite figuratively takes his white cock and thrusts it deep into the world’s ass. (?) And players of God of War 2 will think that Zeus was in the right, anyways. The justification for why it’s okay for Kratos to mess things up doesn’t arrive until near the end, in an explanation that’s equal parts God of War 1, the tackiest of Greek myths and Hideo Kojima-brand madness. 
 
(Sorry, Philly! I kid! I love your cheesesteaks! And your…weather?) 
 
The other strong suit of the plot is that it ends in a manner so decisive that there can, in no way ever, be another God of War game. Of course we all said that about Metal Gear Solid 4 too. Nonetheless, people whom have followed this series from the beginning will probably want to see how it ends. And depending on their lust for violence, they may be satisfied by how lop-sided the ratio of things that die and things that don’t is. 
 

The gameplay bears a strong resemblance to God of War 1 and God of War 2, shockingly I know. You’re still swinging your blade chains of insanity around, slashing out large groups of enemies with relative ease. You still have the ability to spontaneously roll in any direction, the flexible gymnast Kratos is. You still use quick-time event button presses to loosely simulate ripping the optical nerve out of a Cyclops’ skull. Though whomever had the bright idea of placing the button press prompts on the edge of the screen, away from the brutality happening at the centre of the screen, deserves a fate similar to a Kratos victim in a quick time event. These are especially cruel when playing on a Standard Definition TV (yes, they still exist) and the buttons on the side are ever slightly cropped. The end result slightly detracts from the satisfaction of watching Kratos crop other living beings. 
 
God of War 3 is also a strangely-paced, albeit mostly solid 8 hours of gameplay. More often than not, you’ll be swiping around the Mount Olympus National Guard with your fire blades. Actually, no, that’s wrong. I stopped using the blades in favour of the lion gauntlets for their ability to chew down the invisible health bars of my enemies. There are a few small but novel puzzles, and a slightly overdone flight mini-game where you use the Icarus wings to swoop back and forth through the same damned giant Chain of Balance. The parts of the game where there are no checkpoints are also the ones that needed them the most; there is one particular escort mission where you have to protect the giant box you are riding from invading bull-people. And near the end of the game, there are a series of progressively annoying arena battles pitting Kratos against a series of respawning goons. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been so drunk when I was playing these levels, but how I wish the game showed some heart (figuratively though, the game literally shows plenty of beating heart) and gave me some dang checkpoints. 
 

And there are a few other odd quirks I’d like to call attention to. Would it have hurt to include a level select? I would very much hope to revisit those great boss fights and not bother with the rest of this quest business. And it is quite clear that “swinging chain blades” are the it-fashion statement in Ancient Greece, for you’ll steal two other knockoffs of the famed Blades of Chaos/Exile, that have different animations but both cower at the might of the ferocious lion gauntlets. Finally, I’m guessing this has become God of War’s annual tradition, like how Metal Gear games need a cardboard box, or Zelda games need a Master Sword/Hookshot/Bow and Arrow/Death Mountain/Zora Domain/Gerudo Desert/Fire Temple/Princess Zelda/well you get the point. But this is the fourth straight game where Kratos finds himself trapped in Hell, and must casually gallivant his way out. If there is an inside joke here, it stopped being funny two or three games ago. 
 
In the pantheon of God of War-like action movies, God of War 3 is a few shades below the top. It’s decidedly better paced than God of War 2, Devil May Cry 4 and Dante’s Inferno, but not as fluid an experience as X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and not the enthralling self-contained epic that is the original God of War. (Someone try charting that out on a graph.) It’s not some must-play experience, but people that love horrific death, their HDTV screen or need to know the end of Kratos’ story would do well to take a look, regardless. 
 
3 ½ stars 
 
(Minor Spoiler. But I love how the only people that don’t die in the game are the ones that Kratos nails in a more figurative manner.)