If there’s one thing anime has taught me over the years, it’s that the
Japanese loves them some giant robot mecca wars. Contrary to their
large size and guaranteed complicated design, these motorized metal
contraptions zip around the television screen in a blast of
flourescence denoting energy weapons and a maelstrom of bullets. They
demonstrate martial arts capabilities that would make Bruce Lee blush
as they deftly twirl swords, scythes, and battle axes between hands
before delivering a swift death blow.
The homosapibots are also inexplicably piloted by little men-boys
who, at their seasoned teenage years, operate their mechwarriors better
than grisled older men who’ve been in the robot business for far
longer. Needless to say, it’s proven quite hard to harness this
insanity in the form of a console video game. Control limitations and
the general ridiculousness of the source material have been the primary
culprits.
And then Hideo Kojima decided to tackle the genre. For those playing the home game, this is the conspiracy theorist behind the Metal Gear Solid series of games (i.e. not so well known for the whole “gameplay” aspect of games). Much to my own surprise, ‘Zone of the Enders’ dispenses with Kojima’s typical verbal assault and instead hurls the entire mech genre at you with all the absurdity and luminescence the Gundam shows pride themselves for.
You play an obnoxious little oprhaned brat who unfortunately gets
missed by an errant bomb and is blasted conveniently into the pilot’s
seat of Jehuty, a super badass robo-death-machine currently being
hunted a generic evil army for unexplained reasons other than “Oh,
SHINEY! WE WANTS.” Wouldn’t you know it our heroine-sounding hero
proves to be just what the doctor ordered, and is asked to fly said
“orbital frame” a few hundred meters along his colony’s lovely skyline
– dodging enemy capture of course – and deliver it for shipment into
the sequel game. Many bullets, explosions, and moments of melodrama
follow.
Controlling Jehuty is fun for, oh say, 30 minutes. That’s how long it takes to fully master the spastic robot’s moveset learn the five ways to kill other dudes. Then the game’s grand tedium sets in: Enter level, blast mindlessly through other robots, find upgrade program for robot, listen to main character bitch about killing people, rinse and repeat. The final hour of the game hurls a couple of useless boss fights at you – one of which you aren’t even expected to fight back or cause any damage during – and then 30 more minutes of that little turd pretending to be a game protagonist whining some more for our thrilling conclusion…did I mention the “love” relationship with Jehuty’s AI?
‘Zone of the Enders’ is a generic of generic games. It’s a lot like your first time having sex: it’s starts out thrilling and new with worlds of promise, approaches its all to early climax well before the planned end, and limps to a conclusion filled with crying, sorrow, and wishing you spent your money at a different outlet…
…don’t judge.