Worst consoles of all of times.
Agree? Those who owned these were far beyond any derogatory fanboy label the likes of sheep, cows, lemmings, or master races. These are the Uwe Bol of consoles.
List items
-
The most expensive console ever, with or without adjusting for inflation. Only two "games" were ever made for it. It may never have been sold. According to your local 6 o'clock news, the video game industry rode the coattails of Rich Dwyer Industries.
-
This gameboy, which never saw retail outside of test markets, was most likely an international money laundering and investment ponzi scheme. It all backfired when the organized crime "mastermind" wrecked his ill begotten Ferrari and blamed it on an imaginary accomplice, Dietrich. Damn you, Dietrich.
-
No unreleased system got so much time and hype out of the games press. Its entire purpose -the ability to download games straight to a hard drive- was beaten to the punch by, and is the norm for, all consoles since. Eventually, they released a special keyboard for PCs, but long after PC gamers began using Xbox controllers, and long after companies like MadCatz and Logitech capitalized on the need for MMO keyboards.
-
Nearly killed Nintendo when they were at the top of their game. At the very least, it served as terrible publicity and distrust before its upcoming N64 system debut. An ill thought out gimmick one would expect from the LeapFrog people or some dollar store toy manufacturer trying to break into the video games business. It barely stayed on your head and all the games were blood red.
-
A handheld online console long before anyone this side of the FCC knew what the fuck WiFi was. So it connected to the web via plugging a goddamned dial up modem telephone wire into it. It used an expensive proprietary ISP (couldn't just use your PC's excess AOL CD minutes) and had speeds of 14Kbps. If the battery died all of your saved games, contacts, emails, and phone numbers would be erased. All games were made by the first party, in house studio. There was no backlight. It had a touch screen. A horrible, horrible touch screen.
-
When the "Nintendo Play Station" deal went under, Nintendo decided, as Sony did, to make a whole separate console for CD technology rather than a SNES add-on. And the $700 mastodon Philips CD-i was it. Noted for bringing us a few ironically enjoyed low fidelity cartoons and spin off games based on Zelda and Mario Bros. At least Sega had "Sonic CD" rather than "Sonic Teaches the Food Pyramid" or "Sonic Hotel Management". Everything the CD-i could do the SegaCD, Jaguar CD, NeoGeo AES CD, 3DO, TurboGrafix CD, Saturn, and PlayStation could do, in most cases better and for way less money.
-
For one, they didn't score Tim Kitzrow as the console's own Kevin Butler. Hard to come down on a system like this without including shit like Leapfrog systems on this list. Those are for a separate industry. It'd be like CNET stacking a review of a Parker Bros. "laptop" toy against the Macbook Air. Except this was made by Apple, and meant to be a real console and competitor to the likes of N64 and PS1. Apple had Bungie in its grasp. Halo could've debuted on this very system. Had they made the graphics a little better than PS1 (it was two years newer), put a 56k modem in, got Bungie to port the Mac game Halo to it, and charged $399... it WOULD'VE been the Xbox.
-
Ah, yes, the "64-bit" architecture console. Shit, PC gaming didn't go 64-bit until like 2007. This must have had the best graphics ever! Well, these "bits" in the 1990's were meaningless as opposed to the 32-bit/64-bit editions of Windows 7 nowadays. Jaguar added up the processing power of all its different purpose-built chips into one dick length of a number. It sported decidedly worse graphics than PlayStation, and because it was so hard to develop for, many games looked worse than Super Nintendo and other decade-old consoles. Breaks and repairs were frequent because there was no dust cover to protect the cartridge bay. They even made a CD drive accessory, with even fewer games for it. It is nigh impossible to find a working Jaguar CD today.
-
The bulky follow up to the 2600 never caught on, mainly because it couldn't play existing 2600 games. It used a horribly unintuitive, far from aesthetically pleasing controller. When hit, money making games like E.T. and Pac Man came to the Atari platform, they were still made for the much older and less capable 2600 because it was in so many more homes. The 2600's terribly dated graphics caused many of those hit games to be returned to stores in disgust, essentially ruining Atari's dominance, their 2600, and any hope for the 5200.
-
When it came time to replace the NES, Sega was just releasing their competitor. Sega's 1989 machine was built to match the quality of the 1983 Nintendo machine, and when the 1990 Super Nintendo came along the Sega Genesis felt pretty dated, especially in games that appeared on both systems. Sega needed this expensive and complicated 32X adapter to ease public perception that Nintendo's versions of games were superior. The "32" implied it would be twice as good looking as Super Nintendo's 16-bit graphics, but it barely brought Sega games up to par, and did nothing to improve on the sound. It couldn't enhance existing Genesis games; you'd have to repurchase special "32X Edition" games, and very few were made in its life span. Plus, it was released so late in the Genesis' cycle that developers had already moved onto the all-new Sega Saturn. Every bit of 32X (and Sega Mega CD) attachment publicity stole away a potential Saturn customer, or Saturn developer, ultimately leading that system to finish far behind the PlayStation and N64.
-
Honorable mention: Taco. Take the whole fucker apart to switch game cartridges. Hold it the way you would while making fun of a person's intellect by "licking" an invisible ice cream cone against your ear... in order to make phone calls. Bulky and awkwardly designed from the buttons to the GUI.
Load Comments