Trust me, a plastic Oddjob is the least unsettling thing to be found in this game.
(The face...What is the face...Shit! Martian bastards!) Just in case you thought this made sense.
(They took human faces, and then the martians died off...What a strange feeling.) なんか妙な感
(Human faces brought about a calamity. That's the current theory.) Do I even need to caption these?
(It's you, Laika... I am October, serving as your current commanding officer.)
(There's a strange rumor floating around that some face-shaped monsters have appeared and hastened..
(You know this man, don't you, Laika?) Face-shaped monster, indeed.
(God has died, my light...) This is a recurring theme in the game. No, it never makes any damn sense
(But how did that Galir__(I got no clue)___?) THE POWER OF THE PLAYSTATION!
(We can't go on Martian soil, according to Officer October.) So remind me: where are the humans?
(Huh? My light? What's this "my light" business?) I'd have posted the explanation, but there is none
I'd explain the joke, but the game just refers to him as Laika, anyway. I guess that's the joke?
(Chewbacca Nof? It's a prestigious name.) Indeed. (I have no clue what the ノフ is doing there.)
Oh, don't worry. It's SUPPOSED to look like that.
(Mama...I was bad, Mama...Aaaa, no! That's not Mama! It's a lie!) A peek into Yukari Takeba's mind.
I'm pretty sure this isn't the worst of it.
It's like somebody put Giygas into video game form.
And at the center of it all is Chewbacca and his vapid stare.
You mean things weren't bad already?
("There are monsters within the heart.") "And outside it, too. Generally, monsters all around."
I'm not even sure what this is supposed to be. Is it a fat guy? A bear?
(We're leaving the rocket, so no matter what happens, don't head off for Mama.)
Yea, those helmets COMPLETELY cut the tension in this game.
(Crap, a sandstorm's coming!) A very pixel-y sandstorm.
(Chewbacca, are you speaking with The Planet again?) That's as close to an explanation as I've seen.
(Haven't you always wanted to be a good boy?) Your mother is a purple Mars gas, Chewbacca.
(What you heard now? Vladmir's and Sergei's voices. What's that, again (?)?)
(Hm! I could see him. The glittering treasure; it's my treasure.)
(It's finally Christmas, it's lonely in here.) Somehow, these statements are related.
And so the mind monsters leave Laika's body (to die).
(Hyo hyo, you're not alone, Chewbacca.) "You always have your floating rat demon friend."
(You've been affected, and will slowly change. You'll change into other people, hyo hyo!)
(You can see into your heart with this; peek, if you will.) He's referring to those eyes.
Even in the void of space, Laika smells like a dog's ass.
(This planet is cruel, in so many ways. You will challenge this evil.) "You will lose horribly."
(It's love, aaaaa, I.. No, I'm filled with this feeling...) HOW DOES LOVE APPLY TO ANY OF THIS!?
(It's definitely the sandstorm's fault. It's like the sand got in my head.)
(Aaaaa, what is it.) I don't know, man. I don't know.
(Uhuhuhuhuhuhuhu...) The least insane thing yet.
(Hm, a criminal?...Your mother should have gotten the death penalty.) "For what?" "You know what."
Might as well go the Kingdom Hearts route in this crazy world.
I'd say it gets worse, but you know it does.
(You mustn't open the box. An evil magic is sealed within...Understand, April....Please.)
Not above a bad transition, I see.
SOMEHOW, BEYOND ALL REASON, IT GETS WORSE.
(Chewbacca! Understand when I tell you! You're not playing with that rocket!)
Well, until this part. Then come the panic attacks.
(Oh, a space captain, hehehe. Did you mess up again?)
TRANSLATION NOT POSSIBLE.
Now we know why Anakin didn't like them.
He's got the right idea. I'd be cowering in fear, too.
(Yes, yes, I gave you Sand Sympathy (?). A fitting name.)
THE POWER OF THE PLAYSTATION.
(It's Christmas Eve today. Christmas on Mars...) Because that's how calendars work.
(I can't see it. But it's so simple for a psycho.) Everything's easy for Psycho.
(What type...are you? A psycho, maybe?) Was there ever any doubt?
Fun fact: even when the eyes change, all the other eyes are still watching you.
(You will come before the mirror.) So sayeth the floating rat thing.
(You'll change into another person using the evil you've gathered. Your own self will be blocked...
"Remember this? Yea, I bet you do."
(Chewbacca, your heart is colder than you once thought.) On Christmas? I never saw it coming.
This is the first character he transforms into: a redheaded dog thing named Earnest.
(Hyo, there are still far too many things you don't know.) I thought that was already the case.
What's that over there? Did reality just crap the bed?
(Hm. That blasted face monster has appeared!) No. There's no way that thing is a face monster.
(The Face likes to eat your possibilities.) LIKE YOU COULD MAKE IT MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.
(Get your timing just right and press the Heart Button (O), hyo hyo.)
This is the battle system. It's essentially a strange game of Pong.
(WELCOME TO PRISON 4. MISTER CHEWBACCA!) "YOU WILL FINALLY PAY FOR THE CRIMES OF ALL MAN."
(Got Crow Dream.) I honestly have no idea what this is saying.
(Hey, what are you looking at?) That woman's face in the back?
This is what I get for looking at her.
(Damn, I don't feel good. I feel like I'm gonna throw up...*puke noises*) Just what I want to see.
(I came here for a face washing. You know, before I go to bed.)
(Uuuu, yes, yes, I....uuuuuu) The voices finally rebel against thee, Chewbacca.
(Damn it! You again?) We met be-
(Who are you? Did you come from Earth?) OH DEAR FUCK!
(Charlie, you've woke up, you've woke up.) I clicked a random part of the environment.
These things just spin around like crazy forever and ever and ever.
(It's the Brick Road. The red house.) I'd make a joke about the Lollipop Guild, but that already was
(The door, it won't open.) "Perhaps the fresh meat will help us, O brother."
(It's a MYSTERY.) If ever I needed a screenshot to summarize this game.
(I hate the mirror. I don't want to see it.) In this game, I can understand that all too well.
(You don't think it's innocent, do you?) I have no idea why I chose what amounts to the "yes" option
(When the mirror turns orange, you can hear an evil woman's laughing voice.)
The man's rotting thing is a rotting pie, hahahaha. It shines. Oooh, smelly. You're just as smelly!
"It matters not who you are...Death awaits you."
Introducing....I forget its name.
Oh....hey there, floating eyeball thing.
(Strange....I can hear words....within me...) How can you even use the word "strange" in this game?
In a single grain of sand, you can see the world...In a single wildflower, you can see the heavens.
(A verse from an old poem...I feel the prophetic depths...Even so, this poem...)
Surprisingly NOT a game over.
Just in case you forgot what the battle system was like.
Just in case you forgot what this fucker looked like.
Space Channel 5 with dogs.
(Ah, Laika. It's you, Laika.) So less dog Bane and more dog Sephiroth?
(Ah, pets have come back to life...Ah, I remembered pi.) And now you know the Japanese word for pi.
So Mars is like France, except you always feel like you're going to die a horrible death?
(That's right! You're a dog! We hate dogs.) "Makes our presence in this game massively confusing."
It's like an iPod commercial, but far worse.
The worst parts of the 1970s rolled up into one horrible image.
(There is no fighting here, no despair, none of the curtains you come out of. That's the situation.)
(It is a thing.) Why are they here, again?
(You want a lullaby?) The hissing of a million spiders, almost in unison.
"I just can't take it anymore. Alien chihuahua fetuses, spinning comic relief things..."
I'm pretty sure that Hitler speeches are echoing in the background of this particular screenshot.
What's that red dog thing in the upper right?
What's Chidori doing here?
(Are you a friend, too? Are you with them?) It's best not to speak with the bloated corpse dog child
(I'm Veronica. And you?) There was a friendly but naive King, who played a very nasty game...
(I really hate those guys. Smoky...They oughta die. No doubt you think that, too.) HOW DID YOU KNOW!
(Don't look at him.) It's hard not to. The hell is he supposed to be, anyway?
(What'll ya drink? Eh?) Nope, still not clear.
(Oy! You little snot! Are you strong? Come over here. (?)) Let us zoom in on this madness.
(Venusians? There are Venusians here, too?) Because why not?
(Well, not HERE. They're a power that comes from space.) The translation is awkward.
I can't tell if this is old-timey racist or just terrifying.
I think that sign in the back is Russian for "dollar rate"?
In case you thought my Resident Evil joke was out of line earlier.
(Were they tempted by Mountain?) Why hello there, also floating monster thing.
(Did you come from Earth?) The darkness knows all.
(Your friends were also possessed by the evil of the planet.)
(Do you know the story of the Black Knight?) I don't think Zelgius wants any part of this.
(The Black Knight, who will guide this world into destruction and bring about the end...Is that it?)
(I can only say that they're not bad people. Is there still hope?) Of course there isn't.
(Oh, right! Your friends are suffering!) Of course they are.
(Be careful. Over there, lost memories come back to life.) Oh boy. Can't wait to see THAT.
(That's heresy. We didn't come here to take human faces. Same as you.) Right. "お前たちもそう
Believe me, there's a good reason why I'm not telling you what Chewbacca is looking at.
(It's dance time.) The terrified flailings of a thousand children desperately clinging to life.
(No, I don't know anything. That's right, nothing.) Neither do I.
(I don't know...Superstitions are good if they're superstitions.) So sayeth The Face.
(The Black Knight...Judgment...Quite the Apocalypse, isn't it? It's a pale horse.......)
(Look at the pale horse. The rider's name is called Death.) It is the only name this world knows.
(Mama was always worried.) That explains the first installment.
Is this Mama? I'd believe anything now.
Nope. It's....what the hell is this?....Is it wearing a thong on its head?
Did I mention that her face twitches like crazy throughout this scene?
(People? No, not really people. Well, you should go help your friends right away......)
(Who? Did someone call me?) The voices call out for her, too.
(What's all this then?) You tell me....I can't describe a single thing in this game.
(What's so scary?) Everything, April. Everything.
(It's that world, ahhh, everybody's speaking strangely, like they're all robots.)
(This is the Valley of Memories. Oxygen Stone was mined here...) What's the freezing point of oxygen
It looks very Disney/FF7 until...
There are no monsters that give birth to themselves. This thing is supra-monster.
And his response is a dur face for the ages.
Is this the monster or April? Does it matter?
Oh shit. Chewbacca's transformed into a bad JRPG character!
Oh god. This thing has a presence!
(Chloe...I see...the Captain said...)"I don't quite understand what he said..."
(Laika...Laika!) It's too late, April. It's far too late.
(I AM Y-O-L-A-N-D-A...YOLANDA.) THIS IS WHAT THEY MEANT BY ROBOT SPEAK. ROBOTS ARE LOUD IN JAPANESE.
"What's with the colors in this game?"
(There's nobody like me.) Clearly.
Let that image be burned into your mind.
(Good person...I don't know any...) Gee, you don't say?
It ascends to the bell tower to ring of the end.
(It's finally Christmas, but a certain somebody's making me wander around this place.) Asshole.
Just in case the mood wasn't clear already.
(April...it's you...) Says a very audible female voice for who knows what reason.
(Cute little April...I'm so happy....that you're this close...April...my April...)
(Chloe. Do you think you and I are similar?) Yes and no?
(I don't have any friends.) Let this depressing statement preface the town that follows.
(I wonder what it is...It's certainly proof that someone was here.) She's talking about that yellow.
(There's a rumor that it appears within the mirror at night, but I have yet to see it.)
(What's wrong? Looking at the wall...it gave me goosebumps...) She is the voice of sanity.
(I'm OK with anything, but what's this "shee-shee" supposed to mean?) Hell if I know.
I spent far too much time just wandering around town and speaking to random NPCs before Yolanda...
Any art majors want to pick apart the symbolism here?
(Mmmhmm. Just like Mom.) Which means it can't possibly be good.
(Noon! Don't hide from us...) Maybe I should just give you the Google Translated ending to this.
(Mama wouldn't die to that type of thing.) I hate how right Ryoji will be much later in my other one
(Shut it! You're not Mama!)
(Hmhm, can you hear it, hmhm!) "Their singing...it is simply glorious..."
(Lately, we've considered that the things we call Martians are not white ant-like creatures.)
Why do these ice statues look like living beings?
Anybody mind translating the Russian in this game? I'm out of my league on this one.
(Mama, stop...Please...Mama...) I'd make a joke, but we're getting an explanation for this exchange.
I don't think I captured it well, but this mirror has an eerie red glow about it.
What objects can you name that are the color red?
IT GETS SO MUCH WORSE THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY FUCKING IMAGINE.
(Don't look at me with those eyes, Mama! They're scary!) "Or that face. Or that filter. Or anything"
And you doubted me about the claws.
Hopefully, this screenshot conveys a sense of the shaky cam effect that's being (ab)used throughout.
After all this time, Windows Movie Maker effects seem almost comforting.
I couldn't capture it too well, but there were a TON of other images just flashing like crazy.
Do I even need to comment?
"Merry Christmas! Here's your father's severed head, courtesy of Satan Claus."
(I) did not need to capture any more.
For the discerning gamer who thought Earthbound was too balanced.
(Everyone is sick!) "And that is why they must burn!"
Earnest is back, and he's ready to fuck up some Mama.
"Now is our chance for an All-Out Insanity."
(It's burning.) CHLOE DESERVES THIS. (Look in the fire. That's Chloe.)
(What's that blue thing?) Hell if I know. Emulation error?
I didn't even notice those eyes when I was taking this picture. DEAR FUCK.
This is the first decently challenging fight in the game. There's also some dialogue floating about.
"You thought fire could kill me? YOU THOUGHT FIRE COULD KILL ME!?"
That's about my response.
It gets slightly weirder from here.
Welcome to the 1970s....again.
We put her out of her misery. Ours still continues.
The transition between these screenshots sure is...something.
Why hello there, testicle dog monster.
SON OF A BITCH! And for a brief second, I thought he was saying that she was no more. Foolish.
I'm still not entirely sure what this giant bug thing was doing wandering around town, but alright.
This isn't a hallucination; it's something that actually happens within the game's reality.
"Or maybe it's this coffee mug. Or this leather handbag. ANYTHING could be the Black Knight!"
After this, the battles pick up in frequency (but only for a bit), so I'll stop taking screenshots.
Turns out he's talking about a white stone among all the blue.
That's about the only purpose this room serves in the entire game.
(Received Beijing.) Nope, still weirder things coming up.
OK, how can the concept of a god even exist in this universe?
Not the Ryan you're thinking of.
As opposed to Plastic Surgery Hell Hole.
(Hurry up. Smear it on him while he's sleeping.)
This could apply to any character in the game, guys included.
OK, maybe you were right about that hypnotism jive, Fey.
Man, this game really loves abusing ellipses, doesn't it?
Then your use of the word カタマリ is quite apt.
Planet Laika Sentence Structure: take a regular sentence and change one word so that nothing makes..
Planet Laika: the hit Broadway play.
It's like Finnegans Wake: The Overdose.
"Dog guy's mother's got a knife. About to end some poor bastard's life."
Nope. Failure as a result of a cutscene.
Good to know that I'm n-wait, what's that thing on the wall?
Do not try to comprehend this. There is no hope.
"I pulled you out of your body for THIS?"
The power for your hair to grow white for no real reason?
The laughter of children taunts poor Chewbacca.
I think this is one of the few (maybe only) times the game goes FF7 on us.
It's worse than frostbite.
Because prayers go unheeded in this universe.
(Eventually I will face my limits. This planet will become a Kingdom of Misery.)
As shown when Chewbacca....I'm not too sure.
Oh, he wanted us to get our ass kicked by Smokey. Did I mention that this isn't really avoidable?
This is what happens when Smokey bludgeons you to death.
What's the symbolism behind pi here, again? Why does it keep coming up?
I guess this is appropriate. After all, Planet Laika DOES make me feel like I lost my parents.......
I think the only foreshadowing the game gives for this event is a conversation with Old Frostbite.
You know the answer, Yolanda.
Back to Oxygen Town to fight some brain creatures.
You know, as opposed to the other mirrors that simply transform you into completely different people
I don't remember reading that in the Bible.
Planet Laika: where God is Giygas's giant purple cock.
Point to one part of this screenshot that tells me I'm going to live through it.
ALL THE EYE SHOTS YOU COULD EVER NEED.
"Yes. Fight. You shall please your god."
"We could always use more criminals in our face tower."
I'm not even sure what I'm looking at.
I wanted to capture just the fight, but unfortunately got about half a sentence jammed in there, too
If you thought the CGI in Toy Story was horrifying...
Those are his dying thoughts.
Have fun sleeping tonight.
Oh, fuck. They KNOW each other?
A peek into a stalker's mind.
Why. Is. Her. Voice. Punctuated. So. Strangely?
You mean the guy who stole our soul earlier?
Wait, why is his tail outside his space suit?
You know you have a good game on your hands when your characters spend their time in the fetal pos.
"Fuck it. This game's too much, even for me."
Oh, right. Remember April?
She has resigned herself to her fate.
THE GRAPHICAL PROWESS OF THE PLAYSTATION!
The strangest iPod commercial I've yet to see.
OK, so we've got Japanese, Russian, and HEBREW to deal with? It's all too much, Laika!
Yes, this very clearly relates to Jesus.
OH GOD, what the hell happened?
Is a translation even necessary? I imagine you can figure it out yourselves.
What are you doing here, demon dog?
Even on Mars, you can't escape the influence of Devo.
Received Boomer's Night? I've got no fucking clue.
They are getting the space amped straight out of them.
"Do not try to fool me. My green gas flays the skin of the liar."
Look all you want, Chewbacca. Ain't going to find an explanation for this anywhere.
(What you can or cannot see, that is not the question.) [LAIKA SHAKESPEARE QUOTE]
Apparently, this is supposed to be a good thing.
.......OK, what the fuck?
OK, maybe it wasn't such a good thing.
It....it doesn't sound as badass in Japanese.
They're both right just to stare in utter shock.
Notice anything different here?
"I'll let YOU pick out the ice cream this time!"
Nobody tell him it's a mirror.
If that one Animal Crossing LP was turned into a game. (You know the one.)
(Die in Grandpa's bubble!)
I'm guessing this is supposed to say alley or maybe array, because otherwise, I have no goddamn clue
(My arm is a bubble, a pure white bubble.)
Alien possession wasn't bad enough; now you have to throw in blatant pedophilia?
But you died. I SAW YOU FUCKING DIE!
"Silly mortal. Did you think death could kill something like me?"
OK, according to Jisho.org, it's either their Earthern pipe or "with a bang".
You can still talk to them, if you're into that sort of thing.
Our villain, ladies and gentlemen: a space dog terrorist. I think?
You know, こりごり is actually a good way of describing this game.
(It just disappeared right before my eyes! That Earthly woman, she just disappeared right into...)
All you need to know is that the phrase "cute ass" appears in this screenshot. No, I am not kidding.
In case the sexual overtones weren't clear enough already.
You thought I was kidding, didn't you? Also, this means no more transformations for a while.
What's in the door? Does it matter?
Which probably explains why we haven't seen her at all in any of those family flashbacks.
What I do in the tub is between me and the women of my dreams.
I don't know what this is. She just stands here for a while.
(I can't breathe...it hurts...)
I am not kidding: http://jisho.org/kanji/details/%E6%98%A5
(Hey, have dream and reality switched places on this planet?)
"OH DEAR GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY TEXTURES!?"
"Sup. It's been a while, man."
That's about my reaction, too.
Now I know why she was saying "warning warning warning" in that damn song.
Despite being a recurring theme in the game, I STILL don't get it.
Not you, too, Harold (or whatever your name is).
THE POWER OF HEBREW TEXT!
"I haven't bathed a day in my life!"
Again, my response to all this.
"And that fills me with abject rage."
(Nobody can save you, Yolanda.)
Why does this look familiar?
Only good things can come of this.
Did the budget run out for textures at some point? Why so many blank models all of the sudden?
The truth is actually far fucking stranger. I don't even remember all of it.
That thing in the middle appears courtesy of a scare chord.
Aren't they just constructs of Laika's mind or something? Since when were they real people?
I give up. I fucking give up.
Fuck Jeremiah; REM were the REAL prophets.
Oh, he hasn't left. He's still in this scene, everyone.
LOOK AT THIS GAME! LOOK AT THIS FUCKING GAME!
Deductive reasoning would later go on to slit its throat in a dark, cold alley.
"He was the best, just....lying on the ground in horrible pain. Wishing to die."
(Aha, it seems my head is strange; it seems I forget numbers! I grasped a shining stone!)
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!?
I honestly have no goddamn clue what exactly I'm choosing; I pick one of these faces......
Isn't that Agata's thing?
I think there's somebody floating in the lower left picture taken from the Holocaust?
It's....a new character. One you don't control for terribly long.
Why, yes, it CAN get worse.
I'll improve my attitude when this game stops being so goddamn terrifying.
At first, I though that's what the green meant, but it turns out it's always like that.
Not you, drunk comic relief!
This happens whenever I talk to somebody with Phoenix.
"Turns out I can contact you in this mad dream world. Who knew?"
Like Final Fantasy VI? God, I hope not.
All you really need to take out of this is the phrase "historic history."
"Must....kill...drunkard..."
You do not want to know what happens to this goddamn cat.
In case you forgot about Laika's mom killing herself.
"This is just how I greet people."
(IS that you? Is that your you?)
Even outside Nightmare Hellhole, Phoenix's conversation skills can kill.
"You shouldn't have spoken to me and....what the hell happened? I'm not entirely clear on that."
Is that Elvis in the back?
And any semblance of gameplay along with it.
YOU THOUGHT IT WOULDN'T GET WORSE.
He gets a bad case of the hiccups as a result of this transformation. No, I don't know why.
"Good luck getting your money back, asshole."
Yep, that ice sure is dissolved.
The power of Holocaust-looking images haunts him still.
"Killllllllll meeeeeeee....."
Here's some more of the exact same Hebrew text. Why not?
I have to admit, that does sound prophetic.
Sepia-to-monochrome conversion 84% complete.
This line is impossible to translate faithfully.
To make up for the lack of December.
For whatever reason, he gets one of Jeremiah's prophecies, too.
You mean there are MORE of these things?
(All those guys at the Colony, they're gonna die!)
I think he's a bad guy now? Who the hell knows?
Wasn't he dead or something? Or frozen in a ceiling?
Because that's not the dumbest thing in the world.
What's that shit in the back? Is it Elvis again?
"But I'm Laika." "Same dif."
Oh, what the fuck happened here?
THIS IS YOUR HELL, LAIKA.
A weird fucking laugh (or something; hell if I know) permeates the room.
How terrifying is it that I've met somebody in real life who vaguely looks like this?
That's how you know this is a nightmare.
No, you're fine. Everybody talks about dead cats.
Oh, don't worry. All the characters are missing their legs, for some reason.
"Pay attention, class. This lesson will be your last."
"Laika! What did I tell you about existing?"
"Who dragged me into this?"
Somehow, they're more horrifying dead than alive.
"When did I become a geisha?"
Represented here, apparently.
How are his feet being reflected?
Out of nowhere, as always.
(Big bro, this guy won't shut up. Ahaha, make him dance, big bro!)
Why is that thing coloring up...?
For a boss battle, of course!
Quite the fucking upgrade. Keep in mind my health until that point was around 140.
Like eating sushi off a naked woman's body, only infinitely more horrifying.
Welcome to his Kingdom, April. You probably won't enjoy it for too long.
Apparently, this is his reaction to the event.
We've got worse things than foot fetishes coming up, you guy.
It has to end soon. It just has to.
Yea, that would be my reaction to this scene, too: just disappear from it all.
"Oh no! The womb....it's too much!"
What a bad case of fire crotch.
For some reason, this isn't comforting.
Where is this coming from? WHERE IS ANY OF THIS COMING FROM!?
"This one, to be specific."
Oh, he has VERY good reason to think we're a monster. Just you fucking wait.
Like Burt Reynolds if he wasn't even close to sexually attractive.
IT GETS SO MUCH GODDAMN WORSE.
Because tentacle rape wasn't bad enough already.
Have fun sleeping tonight.
I have to imagine this would be a good twist if the plot made any fucking sense.
"Have fun with the rest of this game, asshole!"
And then Phoenix gets squished into a million little pieces.
I think that this is supposed to mean that Laika is dead? I don't fucking know.
"We kill him. Right now. Nobody has to know."
If only it were that simple.
I think these are the only humans to appear anywhere in the game.
At first, I thought this was supposed to be Jesus being crucified. Turns out it's slightly worse.
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, how do you manage to appall?"
"Kill him, my children. Your mother demands it."
Aprils' mom, what are you doing here?
Yea, why not just have a boss battle in the middle of whatever the hell this is?
"I'll get you, my pretty. And your...oh, well, I guess you're already a dog."
You know what this game could use more of? Piss yellow filters.
Just when I thought you were the one good character in all this.
It's a small world after all!
(Almond smell, hmhmhm, you're a soldier, a real fine soldier...)
The update of a billion random plot twists.
Just like this one, apparently.
Yea, sure, why not just randomly break out into song and dance while the planet kills you?
It's crazier in motion. AS ALWAYS.
What a dignified climax, everyone.
Journey? What are YOU doing here?
"Hey, you mind if I watch the final fight?"
Bad 1950s sci-fi movies called; they told you to end it all.
Which one's the good guy in all this?
For what, I'm not entirely sure. I think he just popped up in random dream land.
"All this. You get to have all this, baby."
Hell if I know. The plot just does whatever the hell it wants.
Does he get squished now? (Actually, I have to collect three black splotches.)
Attack of the piss yellow filter.
Again, crazier in motion.
Philemon, you traitorous bastard!
Actually, he has three forms. One for each of my forms.
"What's going on? My eyes can't handle all this color!"
That's right. Feel the pain I felt, Galir.
This was a fucking Epcot ride.
Good. Destroy it all. Destroy any chance of a sequel.
"THIS IS SO GODDAMN AWESOME, YOU GUYS! WOOOOOOH!"
About my response to this game, too.
It was...the Windows logo!
I don't have a clue. I never have a clue.
Oh, god, what the hell's that thing on the bottom? Why is it smiling?
It just fucking freezes on this picture during the CG scene.
Let us dive forth unto the life stream!
Are we going to watch them fuck?
It's not much better WITHOUT the eyes, is it?
Job well done, Nakaji. I couldn't follow a single word of this thing.
"Why, yes, I do believe I should fund your video game project about dog nightmares."
The madman behind it all.
Kouki Inoue: Crafter of Nightmares.
There were a couple of good songs, you guys, but the rest was nonsense.
You mean Amanda? Or April's mom? There were a couple of voices in the game, you know.
They just tossed dead pigs from the rooftops and hoped people would get the message.
Notice the lack of a Psychological Support Dept.
"Without any of you, this monstrosity wouldn't have been possible."
Oh, hey, remember him? Remember how relevant HE was to the plot?
"I, too, am a creature of the dark."
Alfred Hitchcock, you bastard.
Trust me, a plastic Oddjob is the least unsettling thing to be found in this game.
(The face...What is the face...Shit! Martian bastards!) Just in case you thought this made sense.
(They took human faces, and then the martians died off...What a strange feeling.) なんか妙な感
(Human faces brought about a calamity. That's the current theory.) Do I even need to caption these?
(It's you, Laika... I am October, serving as your current commanding officer.)
(There's a strange rumor floating around that some face-shaped monsters have appeared and hastened..
(You know this man, don't you, Laika?) Face-shaped monster, indeed.
(God has died, my light...) This is a recurring theme in the game. No, it never makes any damn sense
(But how did that Galir__(I got no clue)___?) THE POWER OF THE PLAYSTATION!
(We can't go on Martian soil, according to Officer October.) So remind me: where are the humans?
(Huh? My light? What's this "my light" business?) I'd have posted the explanation, but there is none
I'd explain the joke, but the game just refers to him as Laika, anyway. I guess that's the joke?
(Chewbacca Nof? It's a prestigious name.) Indeed. (I have no clue what the ノフ is doing there.)
Oh, don't worry. It's SUPPOSED to look like that.
(Mama...I was bad, Mama...Aaaa, no! That's not Mama! It's a lie!) A peek into Yukari Takeba's mind.
I'm pretty sure this isn't the worst of it.
It's like somebody put Giygas into video game form.
And at the center of it all is Chewbacca and his vapid stare.
You mean things weren't bad already?
("There are monsters within the heart.") "And outside it, too. Generally, monsters all around."
I'm not even sure what this is supposed to be. Is it a fat guy? A bear?
(We're leaving the rocket, so no matter what happens, don't head off for Mama.)
Yea, those helmets COMPLETELY cut the tension in this game.
(Crap, a sandstorm's coming!) A very pixel-y sandstorm.
(Chewbacca, are you speaking with The Planet again?) That's as close to an explanation as I've seen.
(Haven't you always wanted to be a good boy?) Your mother is a purple Mars gas, Chewbacca.
(What you heard now? Vladmir's and Sergei's voices. What's that, again (?)?)
(Hm! I could see him. The glittering treasure; it's my treasure.)
(It's finally Christmas, it's lonely in here.) Somehow, these statements are related.
And so the mind monsters leave Laika's body (to die).
(Hyo hyo, you're not alone, Chewbacca.) "You always have your floating rat demon friend."
(You've been affected, and will slowly change. You'll change into other people, hyo hyo!)
(You can see into your heart with this; peek, if you will.) He's referring to those eyes.
Even in the void of space, Laika smells like a dog's ass.
(This planet is cruel, in so many ways. You will challenge this evil.) "You will lose horribly."
(It's love, aaaaa, I.. No, I'm filled with this feeling...) HOW DOES LOVE APPLY TO ANY OF THIS!?
(It's definitely the sandstorm's fault. It's like the sand got in my head.)
(Aaaaa, what is it.) I don't know, man. I don't know.
(Uhuhuhuhuhuhuhu...) The least insane thing yet.
(Hm, a criminal?...Your mother should have gotten the death penalty.) "For what?" "You know what."
Might as well go the Kingdom Hearts route in this crazy world.
I'd say it gets worse, but you know it does.
(You mustn't open the box. An evil magic is sealed within...Understand, April....Please.)
Not above a bad transition, I see.
SOMEHOW, BEYOND ALL REASON, IT GETS WORSE.
(Chewbacca! Understand when I tell you! You're not playing with that rocket!)
Well, until this part. Then come the panic attacks.
(Oh, a space captain, hehehe. Did you mess up again?)
TRANSLATION NOT POSSIBLE.
Now we know why Anakin didn't like them.
He's got the right idea. I'd be cowering in fear, too.
(Yes, yes, I gave you Sand Sympathy (?). A fitting name.)
THE POWER OF THE PLAYSTATION.
(It's Christmas Eve today. Christmas on Mars...) Because that's how calendars work.
(I can't see it. But it's so simple for a psycho.) Everything's easy for Psycho.
(What type...are you? A psycho, maybe?) Was there ever any doubt?
Fun fact: even when the eyes change, all the other eyes are still watching you.
(You will come before the mirror.) So sayeth the floating rat thing.
(You'll change into another person using the evil you've gathered. Your own self will be blocked...
"Remember this? Yea, I bet you do."
(Chewbacca, your heart is colder than you once thought.) On Christmas? I never saw it coming.
This is the first character he transforms into: a redheaded dog thing named Earnest.
(Hyo, there are still far too many things you don't know.) I thought that was already the case.
What's that over there? Did reality just crap the bed?
(Hm. That blasted face monster has appeared!) No. There's no way that thing is a face monster.
(The Face likes to eat your possibilities.) LIKE YOU COULD MAKE IT MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.
(Get your timing just right and press the Heart Button (O), hyo hyo.)
This is the battle system. It's essentially a strange game of Pong.
(WELCOME TO PRISON 4. MISTER CHEWBACCA!) "YOU WILL FINALLY PAY FOR THE CRIMES OF ALL MAN."
(Got Crow Dream.) I honestly have no idea what this is saying.
(Hey, what are you looking at?) That woman's face in the back?
This is what I get for looking at her.
(Damn, I don't feel good. I feel like I'm gonna throw up...*puke noises*) Just what I want to see.
(I came here for a face washing. You know, before I go to bed.)
(Uuuu, yes, yes, I....uuuuuu) The voices finally rebel against thee, Chewbacca.
(Damn it! You again?) We met be-
(Who are you? Did you come from Earth?) OH DEAR FUCK!
(Charlie, you've woke up, you've woke up.) I clicked a random part of the environment.
These things just spin around like crazy forever and ever and ever.
(It's the Brick Road. The red house.) I'd make a joke about the Lollipop Guild, but that already was
(The door, it won't open.) "Perhaps the fresh meat will help us, O brother."
(It's a MYSTERY.) If ever I needed a screenshot to summarize this game.
(I hate the mirror. I don't want to see it.) In this game, I can understand that all too well.
(You don't think it's innocent, do you?) I have no idea why I chose what amounts to the "yes" option
(When the mirror turns orange, you can hear an evil woman's laughing voice.)
The man's rotting thing is a rotting pie, hahahaha. It shines. Oooh, smelly. You're just as smelly!
"It matters not who you are...Death awaits you."
Introducing....I forget its name.
Oh....hey there, floating eyeball thing.
(Strange....I can hear words....within me...) How can you even use the word "strange" in this game?
In a single grain of sand, you can see the world...In a single wildflower, you can see the heavens.
(A verse from an old poem...I feel the prophetic depths...Even so, this poem...)
Surprisingly NOT a game over.
Just in case you forgot what the battle system was like.
Just in case you forgot what this fucker looked like.
Space Channel 5 with dogs.
(Ah, Laika. It's you, Laika.) So less dog Bane and more dog Sephiroth?
(Ah, pets have come back to life...Ah, I remembered pi.) And now you know the Japanese word for pi.
So Mars is like France, except you always feel like you're going to die a horrible death?
(That's right! You're a dog! We hate dogs.) "Makes our presence in this game massively confusing."
It's like an iPod commercial, but far worse.
The worst parts of the 1970s rolled up into one horrible image.
(There is no fighting here, no despair, none of the curtains you come out of. That's the situation.)
(It is a thing.) Why are they here, again?
(You want a lullaby?) The hissing of a million spiders, almost in unison.
"I just can't take it anymore. Alien chihuahua fetuses, spinning comic relief things..."
I'm pretty sure that Hitler speeches are echoing in the background of this particular screenshot.
What's that red dog thing in the upper right?
What's Chidori doing here?
(Are you a friend, too? Are you with them?) It's best not to speak with the bloated corpse dog child
(I'm Veronica. And you?) There was a friendly but naive King, who played a very nasty game...
(I really hate those guys. Smoky...They oughta die. No doubt you think that, too.) HOW DID YOU KNOW!
(Don't look at him.) It's hard not to. The hell is he supposed to be, anyway?
(What'll ya drink? Eh?) Nope, still not clear.
(Oy! You little snot! Are you strong? Come over here. (?)) Let us zoom in on this madness.
(Venusians? There are Venusians here, too?) Because why not?
(Well, not HERE. They're a power that comes from space.) The translation is awkward.
I can't tell if this is old-timey racist or just terrifying.
I think that sign in the back is Russian for "dollar rate"?
In case you thought my Resident Evil joke was out of line earlier.
(Were they tempted by Mountain?) Why hello there, also floating monster thing.
(Did you come from Earth?) The darkness knows all.
(Your friends were also possessed by the evil of the planet.)
(Do you know the story of the Black Knight?) I don't think Zelgius wants any part of this.
(The Black Knight, who will guide this world into destruction and bring about the end...Is that it?)
(I can only say that they're not bad people. Is there still hope?) Of course there isn't.
(Oh, right! Your friends are suffering!) Of course they are.
(Be careful. Over there, lost memories come back to life.) Oh boy. Can't wait to see THAT.
(That's heresy. We didn't come here to take human faces. Same as you.) Right. "お前たちもそう
Believe me, there's a good reason why I'm not telling you what Chewbacca is looking at.
(It's dance time.) The terrified flailings of a thousand children desperately clinging to life.
(No, I don't know anything. That's right, nothing.) Neither do I.
(I don't know...Superstitions are good if they're superstitions.) So sayeth The Face.
(The Black Knight...Judgment...Quite the Apocalypse, isn't it? It's a pale horse.......)
(Look at the pale horse. The rider's name is called Death.) It is the only name this world knows.
(Mama was always worried.) That explains the first installment.
Is this Mama? I'd believe anything now.
Nope. It's....what the hell is this?....Is it wearing a thong on its head?
Did I mention that her face twitches like crazy throughout this scene?
(People? No, not really people. Well, you should go help your friends right away......)
(Who? Did someone call me?) The voices call out for her, too.
(What's all this then?) You tell me....I can't describe a single thing in this game.
(What's so scary?) Everything, April. Everything.
(It's that world, ahhh, everybody's speaking strangely, like they're all robots.)
(This is the Valley of Memories. Oxygen Stone was mined here...) What's the freezing point of oxygen
It looks very Disney/FF7 until...
There are no monsters that give birth to themselves. This thing is supra-monster.
And his response is a dur face for the ages.
Is this the monster or April? Does it matter?
Oh shit. Chewbacca's transformed into a bad JRPG character!
Oh god. This thing has a presence!
(Chloe...I see...the Captain said...)"I don't quite understand what he said..."
(Laika...Laika!) It's too late, April. It's far too late.
(I AM Y-O-L-A-N-D-A...YOLANDA.) THIS IS WHAT THEY MEANT BY ROBOT SPEAK. ROBOTS ARE LOUD IN JAPANESE.
"What's with the colors in this game?"
(There's nobody like me.) Clearly.
Let that image be burned into your mind.
(Good person...I don't know any...) Gee, you don't say?
It ascends to the bell tower to ring of the end.
(It's finally Christmas, but a certain somebody's making me wander around this place.) Asshole.
Just in case the mood wasn't clear already.
(April...it's you...) Says a very audible female voice for who knows what reason.
(Cute little April...I'm so happy....that you're this close...April...my April...)
(Chloe. Do you think you and I are similar?) Yes and no?
(I don't have any friends.) Let this depressing statement preface the town that follows.
(I wonder what it is...It's certainly proof that someone was here.) She's talking about that yellow.
(There's a rumor that it appears within the mirror at night, but I have yet to see it.)
(What's wrong? Looking at the wall...it gave me goosebumps...) She is the voice of sanity.
(I'm OK with anything, but what's this "shee-shee" supposed to mean?) Hell if I know.
I spent far too much time just wandering around town and speaking to random NPCs before Yolanda...
Any art majors want to pick apart the symbolism here?
(Mmmhmm. Just like Mom.) Which means it can't possibly be good.
(Noon! Don't hide from us...) Maybe I should just give you the Google Translated ending to this.
(Mama wouldn't die to that type of thing.) I hate how right Ryoji will be much later in my other one
(Shut it! You're not Mama!)
(Hmhm, can you hear it, hmhm!) "Their singing...it is simply glorious..."
(Lately, we've considered that the things we call Martians are not white ant-like creatures.)
Why do these ice statues look like living beings?
Anybody mind translating the Russian in this game? I'm out of my league on this one.
(Mama, stop...Please...Mama...) I'd make a joke, but we're getting an explanation for this exchange.
I don't think I captured it well, but this mirror has an eerie red glow about it.
What objects can you name that are the color red?
IT GETS SO MUCH WORSE THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY FUCKING IMAGINE.
(Don't look at me with those eyes, Mama! They're scary!) "Or that face. Or that filter. Or anything"
And you doubted me about the claws.
Hopefully, this screenshot conveys a sense of the shaky cam effect that's being (ab)used throughout.
After all this time, Windows Movie Maker effects seem almost comforting.
I couldn't capture it too well, but there were a TON of other images just flashing like crazy.
Do I even need to comment?
"Merry Christmas! Here's your father's severed head, courtesy of Satan Claus."
(I) did not need to capture any more.
For the discerning gamer who thought Earthbound was too balanced.
(Everyone is sick!) "And that is why they must burn!"
Earnest is back, and he's ready to fuck up some Mama.
"Now is our chance for an All-Out Insanity."
(It's burning.) CHLOE DESERVES THIS. (Look in the fire. That's Chloe.)
(What's that blue thing?) Hell if I know. Emulation error?
I didn't even notice those eyes when I was taking this picture. DEAR FUCK.
This is the first decently challenging fight in the game. There's also some dialogue floating about.
"You thought fire could kill me? YOU THOUGHT FIRE COULD KILL ME!?"
That's about my response.
It gets slightly weirder from here.
Welcome to the 1970s....again.
We put her out of her misery. Ours still continues.
The transition between these screenshots sure is...something.
Why hello there, testicle dog monster.
SON OF A BITCH! And for a brief second, I thought he was saying that she was no more. Foolish.
I'm still not entirely sure what this giant bug thing was doing wandering around town, but alright.
This isn't a hallucination; it's something that actually happens within the game's reality.
"Or maybe it's this coffee mug. Or this leather handbag. ANYTHING could be the Black Knight!"
After this, the battles pick up in frequency (but only for a bit), so I'll stop taking screenshots.
Turns out he's talking about a white stone among all the blue.
That's about the only purpose this room serves in the entire game.
(Received Beijing.) Nope, still weirder things coming up.
OK, how can the concept of a god even exist in this universe?
Not the Ryan you're thinking of.
As opposed to Plastic Surgery Hell Hole.
(Hurry up. Smear it on him while he's sleeping.)
This could apply to any character in the game, guys included.
OK, maybe you were right about that hypnotism jive, Fey.
Man, this game really loves abusing ellipses, doesn't it?
Then your use of the word カタマリ is quite apt.
Planet Laika Sentence Structure: take a regular sentence and change one word so that nothing makes..
Planet Laika: the hit Broadway play.
It's like Finnegans Wake: The Overdose.
"Dog guy's mother's got a knife. About to end some poor bastard's life."
Nope. Failure as a result of a cutscene.
Good to know that I'm n-wait, what's that thing on the wall?
Do not try to comprehend this. There is no hope.
"I pulled you out of your body for THIS?"
The power for your hair to grow white for no real reason?
The laughter of children taunts poor Chewbacca.
I think this is one of the few (maybe only) times the game goes FF7 on us.
It's worse than frostbite.
Because prayers go unheeded in this universe.
(Eventually I will face my limits. This planet will become a Kingdom of Misery.)
As shown when Chewbacca....I'm not too sure.
Oh, he wanted us to get our ass kicked by Smokey. Did I mention that this isn't really avoidable?
This is what happens when Smokey bludgeons you to death.
What's the symbolism behind pi here, again? Why does it keep coming up?
I guess this is appropriate. After all, Planet Laika DOES make me feel like I lost my parents.......
I think the only foreshadowing the game gives for this event is a conversation with Old Frostbite.
You know the answer, Yolanda.
Back to Oxygen Town to fight some brain creatures.
You know, as opposed to the other mirrors that simply transform you into completely different people
I don't remember reading that in the Bible.
Planet Laika: where God is Giygas's giant purple cock.
Point to one part of this screenshot that tells me I'm going to live through it.
ALL THE EYE SHOTS YOU COULD EVER NEED.
"Yes. Fight. You shall please your god."
"We could always use more criminals in our face tower."
I'm not even sure what I'm looking at.
I wanted to capture just the fight, but unfortunately got about half a sentence jammed in there, too
If you thought the CGI in Toy Story was horrifying...
Those are his dying thoughts.
Have fun sleeping tonight.
Oh, fuck. They KNOW each other?
A peek into a stalker's mind.
Why. Is. Her. Voice. Punctuated. So. Strangely?
You mean the guy who stole our soul earlier?
Wait, why is his tail outside his space suit?
You know you have a good game on your hands when your characters spend their time in the fetal pos.
"Fuck it. This game's too much, even for me."
Oh, right. Remember April?
She has resigned herself to her fate.
THE GRAPHICAL PROWESS OF THE PLAYSTATION!
The strangest iPod commercial I've yet to see.
OK, so we've got Japanese, Russian, and HEBREW to deal with? It's all too much, Laika!
Yes, this very clearly relates to Jesus.
OH GOD, what the hell happened?
Is a translation even necessary? I imagine you can figure it out yourselves.
What are you doing here, demon dog?
Even on Mars, you can't escape the influence of Devo.
Received Boomer's Night? I've got no fucking clue.
They are getting the space amped straight out of them.
"Do not try to fool me. My green gas flays the skin of the liar."
Look all you want, Chewbacca. Ain't going to find an explanation for this anywhere.
(What you can or cannot see, that is not the question.) [LAIKA SHAKESPEARE QUOTE]
Apparently, this is supposed to be a good thing.
.......OK, what the fuck?
OK, maybe it wasn't such a good thing.
It....it doesn't sound as badass in Japanese.
They're both right just to stare in utter shock.
Notice anything different here?
"I'll let YOU pick out the ice cream this time!"
Nobody tell him it's a mirror.
If that one Animal Crossing LP was turned into a game. (You know the one.)
(Die in Grandpa's bubble!)
I'm guessing this is supposed to say alley or maybe array, because otherwise, I have no goddamn clue
(My arm is a bubble, a pure white bubble.)
Alien possession wasn't bad enough; now you have to throw in blatant pedophilia?
But you died. I SAW YOU FUCKING DIE!
"Silly mortal. Did you think death could kill something like me?"
OK, according to Jisho.org, it's either their Earthern pipe or "with a bang".
You can still talk to them, if you're into that sort of thing.
Our villain, ladies and gentlemen: a space dog terrorist. I think?
You know, こりごり is actually a good way of describing this game.
(It just disappeared right before my eyes! That Earthly woman, she just disappeared right into...)
All you need to know is that the phrase "cute ass" appears in this screenshot. No, I am not kidding.
In case the sexual overtones weren't clear enough already.
You thought I was kidding, didn't you? Also, this means no more transformations for a while.
What's in the door? Does it matter?
Which probably explains why we haven't seen her at all in any of those family flashbacks.
What I do in the tub is between me and the women of my dreams.
I don't know what this is. She just stands here for a while.
(I can't breathe...it hurts...)
I am not kidding: http://jisho.org/kanji/details/%E6%98%A5
(Hey, have dream and reality switched places on this planet?)
"OH DEAR GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY TEXTURES!?"
"Sup. It's been a while, man."
That's about my reaction, too.
Now I know why she was saying "warning warning warning" in that damn song.
Despite being a recurring theme in the game, I STILL don't get it.
Not you, too, Harold (or whatever your name is).
THE POWER OF HEBREW TEXT!
"I haven't bathed a day in my life!"
Again, my response to all this.
"And that fills me with abject rage."
(Nobody can save you, Yolanda.)
Why does this look familiar?
Only good things can come of this.
Did the budget run out for textures at some point? Why so many blank models all of the sudden?
The truth is actually far fucking stranger. I don't even remember all of it.
That thing in the middle appears courtesy of a scare chord.
Aren't they just constructs of Laika's mind or something? Since when were they real people?
I give up. I fucking give up.
Fuck Jeremiah; REM were the REAL prophets.
Oh, he hasn't left. He's still in this scene, everyone.
LOOK AT THIS GAME! LOOK AT THIS FUCKING GAME!
Deductive reasoning would later go on to slit its throat in a dark, cold alley.
"He was the best, just....lying on the ground in horrible pain. Wishing to die."
(Aha, it seems my head is strange; it seems I forget numbers! I grasped a shining stone!)
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!?
I honestly have no goddamn clue what exactly I'm choosing; I pick one of these faces......
Isn't that Agata's thing?
I think there's somebody floating in the lower left picture taken from the Holocaust?
It's....a new character. One you don't control for terribly long.
Why, yes, it CAN get worse.
I'll improve my attitude when this game stops being so goddamn terrifying.
At first, I though that's what the green meant, but it turns out it's always like that.
Not you, drunk comic relief!
This happens whenever I talk to somebody with Phoenix.
"Turns out I can contact you in this mad dream world. Who knew?"
Like Final Fantasy VI? God, I hope not.
All you really need to take out of this is the phrase "historic history."
"Must....kill...drunkard..."
You do not want to know what happens to this goddamn cat.
In case you forgot about Laika's mom killing herself.
"This is just how I greet people."
(IS that you? Is that your you?)
Even outside Nightmare Hellhole, Phoenix's conversation skills can kill.
"You shouldn't have spoken to me and....what the hell happened? I'm not entirely clear on that."
Is that Elvis in the back?
And any semblance of gameplay along with it.
YOU THOUGHT IT WOULDN'T GET WORSE.
He gets a bad case of the hiccups as a result of this transformation. No, I don't know why.
"Good luck getting your money back, asshole."
Yep, that ice sure is dissolved.
The power of Holocaust-looking images haunts him still.
"Killllllllll meeeeeeee....."
Here's some more of the exact same Hebrew text. Why not?
I have to admit, that does sound prophetic.
Sepia-to-monochrome conversion 84% complete.
This line is impossible to translate faithfully.
To make up for the lack of December.
For whatever reason, he gets one of Jeremiah's prophecies, too.
You mean there are MORE of these things?
(All those guys at the Colony, they're gonna die!)
I think he's a bad guy now? Who the hell knows?
Wasn't he dead or something? Or frozen in a ceiling?
Because that's not the dumbest thing in the world.
What's that shit in the back? Is it Elvis again?
"But I'm Laika." "Same dif."
Oh, what the fuck happened here?
THIS IS YOUR HELL, LAIKA.
A weird fucking laugh (or something; hell if I know) permeates the room.
How terrifying is it that I've met somebody in real life who vaguely looks like this?
That's how you know this is a nightmare.
No, you're fine. Everybody talks about dead cats.
Oh, don't worry. All the characters are missing their legs, for some reason.
"Pay attention, class. This lesson will be your last."
"Laika! What did I tell you about existing?"
"Who dragged me into this?"
Somehow, they're more horrifying dead than alive.
"When did I become a geisha?"
Represented here, apparently.
How are his feet being reflected?
Out of nowhere, as always.
(Big bro, this guy won't shut up. Ahaha, make him dance, big bro!)
Why is that thing coloring up...?
For a boss battle, of course!
Quite the fucking upgrade. Keep in mind my health until that point was around 140.
Like eating sushi off a naked woman's body, only infinitely more horrifying.
Welcome to his Kingdom, April. You probably won't enjoy it for too long.
Apparently, this is his reaction to the event.
We've got worse things than foot fetishes coming up, you guy.
It has to end soon. It just has to.
Yea, that would be my reaction to this scene, too: just disappear from it all.
"Oh no! The womb....it's too much!"
What a bad case of fire crotch.
For some reason, this isn't comforting.
Where is this coming from? WHERE IS ANY OF THIS COMING FROM!?
"This one, to be specific."
Oh, he has VERY good reason to think we're a monster. Just you fucking wait.
Like Burt Reynolds if he wasn't even close to sexually attractive.
IT GETS SO MUCH GODDAMN WORSE.
Because tentacle rape wasn't bad enough already.
Have fun sleeping tonight.
I have to imagine this would be a good twist if the plot made any fucking sense.
"Have fun with the rest of this game, asshole!"
And then Phoenix gets squished into a million little pieces.
I think that this is supposed to mean that Laika is dead? I don't fucking know.
"We kill him. Right now. Nobody has to know."
If only it were that simple.
I think these are the only humans to appear anywhere in the game.
At first, I thought this was supposed to be Jesus being crucified. Turns out it's slightly worse.
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, how do you manage to appall?"
"Kill him, my children. Your mother demands it."
Aprils' mom, what are you doing here?
Yea, why not just have a boss battle in the middle of whatever the hell this is?
"I'll get you, my pretty. And your...oh, well, I guess you're already a dog."
You know what this game could use more of? Piss yellow filters.
Just when I thought you were the one good character in all this.
It's a small world after all!
(Almond smell, hmhmhm, you're a soldier, a real fine soldier...)
The update of a billion random plot twists.
Just like this one, apparently.
Yea, sure, why not just randomly break out into song and dance while the planet kills you?
It's crazier in motion. AS ALWAYS.
What a dignified climax, everyone.
Journey? What are YOU doing here?
"Hey, you mind if I watch the final fight?"
Bad 1950s sci-fi movies called; they told you to end it all.
Which one's the good guy in all this?
For what, I'm not entirely sure. I think he just popped up in random dream land.
"All this. You get to have all this, baby."
Hell if I know. The plot just does whatever the hell it wants.
Does he get squished now? (Actually, I have to collect three black splotches.)
Attack of the piss yellow filter.
Again, crazier in motion.
Philemon, you traitorous bastard!
Actually, he has three forms. One for each of my forms.
"What's going on? My eyes can't handle all this color!"
That's right. Feel the pain I felt, Galir.
This was a fucking Epcot ride.
Good. Destroy it all. Destroy any chance of a sequel.
"THIS IS SO GODDAMN AWESOME, YOU GUYS! WOOOOOOH!"
About my response to this game, too.
It was...the Windows logo!
I don't have a clue. I never have a clue.
Oh, god, what the hell's that thing on the bottom? Why is it smiling?
It just fucking freezes on this picture during the CG scene.
Let us dive forth unto the life stream!
Are we going to watch them fuck?
It's not much better WITHOUT the eyes, is it?
Job well done, Nakaji. I couldn't follow a single word of this thing.
"Why, yes, I do believe I should fund your video game project about dog nightmares."
The madman behind it all.
Kouki Inoue: Crafter of Nightmares.
There were a couple of good songs, you guys, but the rest was nonsense.
You mean Amanda? Or April's mom? There were a couple of voices in the game, you know.
They just tossed dead pigs from the rooftops and hoped people would get the message.
Notice the lack of a Psychological Support Dept.
"Without any of you, this monstrosity wouldn't have been possible."
Oh, hey, remember him? Remember how relevant HE was to the plot?
"I, too, am a creature of the dark."
Alfred Hitchcock, you bastard.
Trust me, a plastic Oddjob is the least unsettling thing to be found in this game.
(The face...What is the face...Shit! Martian bastards!) Just in case you thought this made sense.
(They took human faces, and then the martians died off...What a strange feeling.) なんか妙な感
(Human faces brought about a calamity. That's the current theory.) Do I even need to caption these?
(It's you, Laika... I am October, serving as your current commanding officer.)
(There's a strange rumor floating around that some face-shaped monsters have appeared and hastened..
(You know this man, don't you, Laika?) Face-shaped monster, indeed.
(God has died, my light...) This is a recurring theme in the game. No, it never makes any damn sense
(But how did that Galir__(I got no clue)___?) THE POWER OF THE PLAYSTATION!
(We can't go on Martian soil, according to Officer October.) So remind me: where are the humans?
(Huh? My light? What's this "my light" business?) I'd have posted the explanation, but there is none
I'd explain the joke, but the game just refers to him as Laika, anyway. I guess that's the joke?
(Chewbacca Nof? It's a prestigious name.) Indeed. (I have no clue what the ノフ is doing there.)
Oh, don't worry. It's SUPPOSED to look like that.
(Mama...I was bad, Mama...Aaaa, no! That's not Mama! It's a lie!) A peek into Yukari Takeba's mind.
I'm pretty sure this isn't the worst of it.
It's like somebody put Giygas into video game form.
And at the center of it all is Chewbacca and his vapid stare.
You mean things weren't bad already?
("There are monsters within the heart.") "And outside it, too. Generally, monsters all around."
I'm not even sure what this is supposed to be. Is it a fat guy? A bear?
(We're leaving the rocket, so no matter what happens, don't head off for Mama.)
Yea, those helmets COMPLETELY cut the tension in this game.
(Crap, a sandstorm's coming!) A very pixel-y sandstorm.
(Chewbacca, are you speaking with The Planet again?) That's as close to an explanation as I've seen.
(Haven't you always wanted to be a good boy?) Your mother is a purple Mars gas, Chewbacca.
(What you heard now? Vladmir's and Sergei's voices. What's that, again (?)?)
(Hm! I could see him. The glittering treasure; it's my treasure.)
(It's finally Christmas, it's lonely in here.) Somehow, these statements are related.
And so the mind monsters leave Laika's body (to die).
(Hyo hyo, you're not alone, Chewbacca.) "You always have your floating rat demon friend."
(You've been affected, and will slowly change. You'll change into other people, hyo hyo!)
(You can see into your heart with this; peek, if you will.) He's referring to those eyes.
Even in the void of space, Laika smells like a dog's ass.
(This planet is cruel, in so many ways. You will challenge this evil.) "You will lose horribly."
(It's love, aaaaa, I.. No, I'm filled with this feeling...) HOW DOES LOVE APPLY TO ANY OF THIS!?
(It's definitely the sandstorm's fault. It's like the sand got in my head.)
(Aaaaa, what is it.) I don't know, man. I don't know.
(Uhuhuhuhuhuhuhu...) The least insane thing yet.
(Hm, a criminal?...Your mother should have gotten the death penalty.) "For what?" "You know what."
Might as well go the Kingdom Hearts route in this crazy world.
I'd say it gets worse, but you know it does.
(You mustn't open the box. An evil magic is sealed within...Understand, April....Please.)
Not above a bad transition, I see.
SOMEHOW, BEYOND ALL REASON, IT GETS WORSE.
(Chewbacca! Understand when I tell you! You're not playing with that rocket!)
Well, until this part. Then come the panic attacks.
(Oh, a space captain, hehehe. Did you mess up again?)
TRANSLATION NOT POSSIBLE.
Now we know why Anakin didn't like them.
He's got the right idea. I'd be cowering in fear, too.
(Yes, yes, I gave you Sand Sympathy (?). A fitting name.)
THE POWER OF THE PLAYSTATION.
(It's Christmas Eve today. Christmas on Mars...) Because that's how calendars work.
(I can't see it. But it's so simple for a psycho.) Everything's easy for Psycho.
(What type...are you? A psycho, maybe?) Was there ever any doubt?
Fun fact: even when the eyes change, all the other eyes are still watching you.
(You will come before the mirror.) So sayeth the floating rat thing.
(You'll change into another person using the evil you've gathered. Your own self will be blocked...
"Remember this? Yea, I bet you do."
(Chewbacca, your heart is colder than you once thought.) On Christmas? I never saw it coming.
This is the first character he transforms into: a redheaded dog thing named Earnest.
(Hyo, there are still far too many things you don't know.) I thought that was already the case.
What's that over there? Did reality just crap the bed?
(Hm. That blasted face monster has appeared!) No. There's no way that thing is a face monster.
(The Face likes to eat your possibilities.) LIKE YOU COULD MAKE IT MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.
(Get your timing just right and press the Heart Button (O), hyo hyo.)
This is the battle system. It's essentially a strange game of Pong.
(WELCOME TO PRISON 4. MISTER CHEWBACCA!) "YOU WILL FINALLY PAY FOR THE CRIMES OF ALL MAN."
(Got Crow Dream.) I honestly have no idea what this is saying.
(Hey, what are you looking at?) That woman's face in the back?
This is what I get for looking at her.
(Damn, I don't feel good. I feel like I'm gonna throw up...*puke noises*) Just what I want to see.
(I came here for a face washing. You know, before I go to bed.)
(Uuuu, yes, yes, I....uuuuuu) The voices finally rebel against thee, Chewbacca.
(Damn it! You again?) We met be-
(Who are you? Did you come from Earth?) OH DEAR FUCK!
(Charlie, you've woke up, you've woke up.) I clicked a random part of the environment.
These things just spin around like crazy forever and ever and ever.
(It's the Brick Road. The red house.) I'd make a joke about the Lollipop Guild, but that already was
(The door, it won't open.) "Perhaps the fresh meat will help us, O brother."
(It's a MYSTERY.) If ever I needed a screenshot to summarize this game.
(I hate the mirror. I don't want to see it.) In this game, I can understand that all too well.
(You don't think it's innocent, do you?) I have no idea why I chose what amounts to the "yes" option
(When the mirror turns orange, you can hear an evil woman's laughing voice.)
The man's rotting thing is a rotting pie, hahahaha. It shines. Oooh, smelly. You're just as smelly!
"It matters not who you are...Death awaits you."
Introducing....I forget its name.
Oh....hey there, floating eyeball thing.
(Strange....I can hear words....within me...) How can you even use the word "strange" in this game?
In a single grain of sand, you can see the world...In a single wildflower, you can see the heavens.
(A verse from an old poem...I feel the prophetic depths...Even so, this poem...)
Surprisingly NOT a game over.
Just in case you forgot what the battle system was like.
Just in case you forgot what this fucker looked like.
Space Channel 5 with dogs.
(Ah, Laika. It's you, Laika.) So less dog Bane and more dog Sephiroth?
(Ah, pets have come back to life...Ah, I remembered pi.) And now you know the Japanese word for pi.
So Mars is like France, except you always feel like you're going to die a horrible death?
(That's right! You're a dog! We hate dogs.) "Makes our presence in this game massively confusing."
It's like an iPod commercial, but far worse.
The worst parts of the 1970s rolled up into one horrible image.
(There is no fighting here, no despair, none of the curtains you come out of. That's the situation.)
(It is a thing.) Why are they here, again?
(You want a lullaby?) The hissing of a million spiders, almost in unison.
"I just can't take it anymore. Alien chihuahua fetuses, spinning comic relief things..."
I'm pretty sure that Hitler speeches are echoing in the background of this particular screenshot.
What's that red dog thing in the upper right?
What's Chidori doing here?
(Are you a friend, too? Are you with them?) It's best not to speak with the bloated corpse dog child
(I'm Veronica. And you?) There was a friendly but naive King, who played a very nasty game...
(I really hate those guys. Smoky...They oughta die. No doubt you think that, too.) HOW DID YOU KNOW!
(Don't look at him.) It's hard not to. The hell is he supposed to be, anyway?
(What'll ya drink? Eh?) Nope, still not clear.
(Oy! You little snot! Are you strong? Come over here. (?)) Let us zoom in on this madness.
(Venusians? There are Venusians here, too?) Because why not?
(Well, not HERE. They're a power that comes from space.) The translation is awkward.
I can't tell if this is old-timey racist or just terrifying.
I think that sign in the back is Russian for "dollar rate"?
In case you thought my Resident Evil joke was out of line earlier.
(Were they tempted by Mountain?) Why hello there, also floating monster thing.
(Did you come from Earth?) The darkness knows all.
(Your friends were also possessed by the evil of the planet.)
(Do you know the story of the Black Knight?) I don't think Zelgius wants any part of this.
(The Black Knight, who will guide this world into destruction and bring about the end...Is that it?)
(I can only say that they're not bad people. Is there still hope?) Of course there isn't.
(Oh, right! Your friends are suffering!) Of course they are.
(Be careful. Over there, lost memories come back to life.) Oh boy. Can't wait to see THAT.
(That's heresy. We didn't come here to take human faces. Same as you.) Right. "お前たちもそう
Believe me, there's a good reason why I'm not telling you what Chewbacca is looking at.
(It's dance time.) The terrified flailings of a thousand children desperately clinging to life.
(No, I don't know anything. That's right, nothing.) Neither do I.
(I don't know...Superstitions are good if they're superstitions.) So sayeth The Face.
(The Black Knight...Judgment...Quite the Apocalypse, isn't it? It's a pale horse.......)
(Look at the pale horse. The rider's name is called Death.) It is the only name this world knows.
(Mama was always worried.) That explains the first installment.
Is this Mama? I'd believe anything now.
Nope. It's....what the hell is this?....Is it wearing a thong on its head?
Did I mention that her face twitches like crazy throughout this scene?
(People? No, not really people. Well, you should go help your friends right away......)
(Who? Did someone call me?) The voices call out for her, too.
(What's all this then?) You tell me....I can't describe a single thing in this game.
(What's so scary?) Everything, April. Everything.
(It's that world, ahhh, everybody's speaking strangely, like they're all robots.)
(This is the Valley of Memories. Oxygen Stone was mined here...) What's the freezing point of oxygen
It looks very Disney/FF7 until...
There are no monsters that give birth to themselves. This thing is supra-monster.
And his response is a dur face for the ages.
Is this the monster or April? Does it matter?
Oh shit. Chewbacca's transformed into a bad JRPG character!
Oh god. This thing has a presence!
(Chloe...I see...the Captain said...)"I don't quite understand what he said..."
(Laika...Laika!) It's too late, April. It's far too late.
(I AM Y-O-L-A-N-D-A...YOLANDA.) THIS IS WHAT THEY MEANT BY ROBOT SPEAK. ROBOTS ARE LOUD IN JAPANESE.
"What's with the colors in this game?"
(There's nobody like me.) Clearly.
Let that image be burned into your mind.
(Good person...I don't know any...) Gee, you don't say?
It ascends to the bell tower to ring of the end.
(It's finally Christmas, but a certain somebody's making me wander around this place.) Asshole.
Just in case the mood wasn't clear already.
(April...it's you...) Says a very audible female voice for who knows what reason.
(Cute little April...I'm so happy....that you're this close...April...my April...)
(Chloe. Do you think you and I are similar?) Yes and no?
(I don't have any friends.) Let this depressing statement preface the town that follows.
(I wonder what it is...It's certainly proof that someone was here.) She's talking about that yellow.
(There's a rumor that it appears within the mirror at night, but I have yet to see it.)
(What's wrong? Looking at the wall...it gave me goosebumps...) She is the voice of sanity.
(I'm OK with anything, but what's this "shee-shee" supposed to mean?) Hell if I know.
I spent far too much time just wandering around town and speaking to random NPCs before Yolanda...
Any art majors want to pick apart the symbolism here?
(Mmmhmm. Just like Mom.) Which means it can't possibly be good.
(Noon! Don't hide from us...) Maybe I should just give you the Google Translated ending to this.
(Mama wouldn't die to that type of thing.) I hate how right Ryoji will be much later in my other one
(Shut it! You're not Mama!)
(Hmhm, can you hear it, hmhm!) "Their singing...it is simply glorious..."
(Lately, we've considered that the things we call Martians are not white ant-like creatures.)
Why do these ice statues look like living beings?
Anybody mind translating the Russian in this game? I'm out of my league on this one.
(Mama, stop...Please...Mama...) I'd make a joke, but we're getting an explanation for this exchange.
I don't think I captured it well, but this mirror has an eerie red glow about it.
What objects can you name that are the color red?
IT GETS SO MUCH WORSE THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY FUCKING IMAGINE.
(Don't look at me with those eyes, Mama! They're scary!) "Or that face. Or that filter. Or anything"
And you doubted me about the claws.
Hopefully, this screenshot conveys a sense of the shaky cam effect that's being (ab)used throughout.
After all this time, Windows Movie Maker effects seem almost comforting.
I couldn't capture it too well, but there were a TON of other images just flashing like crazy.
Do I even need to comment?
"Merry Christmas! Here's your father's severed head, courtesy of Satan Claus."
(I) did not need to capture any more.
For the discerning gamer who thought Earthbound was too balanced.
(Everyone is sick!) "And that is why they must burn!"
Earnest is back, and he's ready to fuck up some Mama.
"Now is our chance for an All-Out Insanity."
(It's burning.) CHLOE DESERVES THIS. (Look in the fire. That's Chloe.)
(What's that blue thing?) Hell if I know. Emulation error?
I didn't even notice those eyes when I was taking this picture. DEAR FUCK.
This is the first decently challenging fight in the game. There's also some dialogue floating about.
"You thought fire could kill me? YOU THOUGHT FIRE COULD KILL ME!?"
That's about my response.
It gets slightly weirder from here.
Welcome to the 1970s....again.
We put her out of her misery. Ours still continues.
The transition between these screenshots sure is...something.
Why hello there, testicle dog monster.
SON OF A BITCH! And for a brief second, I thought he was saying that she was no more. Foolish.
I'm still not entirely sure what this giant bug thing was doing wandering around town, but alright.
This isn't a hallucination; it's something that actually happens within the game's reality.
"Or maybe it's this coffee mug. Or this leather handbag. ANYTHING could be the Black Knight!"
After this, the battles pick up in frequency (but only for a bit), so I'll stop taking screenshots.
Turns out he's talking about a white stone among all the blue.
That's about the only purpose this room serves in the entire game.
(Received Beijing.) Nope, still weirder things coming up.
OK, how can the concept of a god even exist in this universe?
Not the Ryan you're thinking of.
As opposed to Plastic Surgery Hell Hole.
(Hurry up. Smear it on him while he's sleeping.)
This could apply to any character in the game, guys included.
OK, maybe you were right about that hypnotism jive, Fey.
Man, this game really loves abusing ellipses, doesn't it?
Then your use of the word カタマリ is quite apt.
Planet Laika Sentence Structure: take a regular sentence and change one word so that nothing makes..
Planet Laika: the hit Broadway play.
It's like Finnegans Wake: The Overdose.
"Dog guy's mother's got a knife. About to end some poor bastard's life."
Nope. Failure as a result of a cutscene.
Good to know that I'm n-wait, what's that thing on the wall?
Do not try to comprehend this. There is no hope.
"I pulled you out of your body for THIS?"
The power for your hair to grow white for no real reason?
The laughter of children taunts poor Chewbacca.
I think this is one of the few (maybe only) times the game goes FF7 on us.
It's worse than frostbite.
Because prayers go unheeded in this universe.
(Eventually I will face my limits. This planet will become a Kingdom of Misery.)
As shown when Chewbacca....I'm not too sure.
Oh, he wanted us to get our ass kicked by Smokey. Did I mention that this isn't really avoidable?
This is what happens when Smokey bludgeons you to death.
What's the symbolism behind pi here, again? Why does it keep coming up?
I guess this is appropriate. After all, Planet Laika DOES make me feel like I lost my parents.......
I think the only foreshadowing the game gives for this event is a conversation with Old Frostbite.
You know the answer, Yolanda.
Back to Oxygen Town to fight some brain creatures.
You know, as opposed to the other mirrors that simply transform you into completely different people
I don't remember reading that in the Bible.
Planet Laika: where God is Giygas's giant purple cock.
Point to one part of this screenshot that tells me I'm going to live through it.
ALL THE EYE SHOTS YOU COULD EVER NEED.
"Yes. Fight. You shall please your god."
"We could always use more criminals in our face tower."
I'm not even sure what I'm looking at.
I wanted to capture just the fight, but unfortunately got about half a sentence jammed in there, too
If you thought the CGI in Toy Story was horrifying...
Those are his dying thoughts.
Have fun sleeping tonight.
Oh, fuck. They KNOW each other?
A peek into a stalker's mind.
Why. Is. Her. Voice. Punctuated. So. Strangely?
You mean the guy who stole our soul earlier?
Wait, why is his tail outside his space suit?
You know you have a good game on your hands when your characters spend their time in the fetal pos.
"Fuck it. This game's too much, even for me."
Oh, right. Remember April?
She has resigned herself to her fate.
THE GRAPHICAL PROWESS OF THE PLAYSTATION!
The strangest iPod commercial I've yet to see.
OK, so we've got Japanese, Russian, and HEBREW to deal with? It's all too much, Laika!
Yes, this very clearly relates to Jesus.
OH GOD, what the hell happened?
Is a translation even necessary? I imagine you can figure it out yourselves.
What are you doing here, demon dog?
Even on Mars, you can't escape the influence of Devo.
Received Boomer's Night? I've got no fucking clue.
They are getting the space amped straight out of them.
"Do not try to fool me. My green gas flays the skin of the liar."
Look all you want, Chewbacca. Ain't going to find an explanation for this anywhere.
(What you can or cannot see, that is not the question.) [LAIKA SHAKESPEARE QUOTE]
Apparently, this is supposed to be a good thing.
.......OK, what the fuck?
OK, maybe it wasn't such a good thing.
It....it doesn't sound as badass in Japanese.
They're both right just to stare in utter shock.
Notice anything different here?
"I'll let YOU pick out the ice cream this time!"
Nobody tell him it's a mirror.
If that one Animal Crossing LP was turned into a game. (You know the one.)
(Die in Grandpa's bubble!)
I'm guessing this is supposed to say alley or maybe array, because otherwise, I have no goddamn clue
(My arm is a bubble, a pure white bubble.)
Alien possession wasn't bad enough; now you have to throw in blatant pedophilia?
But you died. I SAW YOU FUCKING DIE!
"Silly mortal. Did you think death could kill something like me?"
OK, according to Jisho.org, it's either their Earthern pipe or "with a bang".
You can still talk to them, if you're into that sort of thing.
Our villain, ladies and gentlemen: a space dog terrorist. I think?
You know, こりごり is actually a good way of describing this game.
(It just disappeared right before my eyes! That Earthly woman, she just disappeared right into...)
All you need to know is that the phrase "cute ass" appears in this screenshot. No, I am not kidding.
In case the sexual overtones weren't clear enough already.
You thought I was kidding, didn't you? Also, this means no more transformations for a while.
What's in the door? Does it matter?
Which probably explains why we haven't seen her at all in any of those family flashbacks.
What I do in the tub is between me and the women of my dreams.
I don't know what this is. She just stands here for a while.
(I can't breathe...it hurts...)
I am not kidding: http://jisho.org/kanji/details/%E6%98%A5
(Hey, have dream and reality switched places on this planet?)
"OH DEAR GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY TEXTURES!?"
"Sup. It's been a while, man."
That's about my reaction, too.
Now I know why she was saying "warning warning warning" in that damn song.
Despite being a recurring theme in the game, I STILL don't get it.
Not you, too, Harold (or whatever your name is).
THE POWER OF HEBREW TEXT!
"I haven't bathed a day in my life!"
Again, my response to all this.
"And that fills me with abject rage."
(Nobody can save you, Yolanda.)
Why does this look familiar?
Only good things can come of this.
Did the budget run out for textures at some point? Why so many blank models all of the sudden?
The truth is actually far fucking stranger. I don't even remember all of it.
That thing in the middle appears courtesy of a scare chord.
Aren't they just constructs of Laika's mind or something? Since when were they real people?
I give up. I fucking give up.
Fuck Jeremiah; REM were the REAL prophets.
Oh, he hasn't left. He's still in this scene, everyone.
LOOK AT THIS GAME! LOOK AT THIS FUCKING GAME!
Deductive reasoning would later go on to slit its throat in a dark, cold alley.
"He was the best, just....lying on the ground in horrible pain. Wishing to die."
(Aha, it seems my head is strange; it seems I forget numbers! I grasped a shining stone!)
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!?
I honestly have no goddamn clue what exactly I'm choosing; I pick one of these faces......
Isn't that Agata's thing?
I think there's somebody floating in the lower left picture taken from the Holocaust?
It's....a new character. One you don't control for terribly long.
Why, yes, it CAN get worse.
I'll improve my attitude when this game stops being so goddamn terrifying.
At first, I though that's what the green meant, but it turns out it's always like that.
Not you, drunk comic relief!
This happens whenever I talk to somebody with Phoenix.
"Turns out I can contact you in this mad dream world. Who knew?"
Like Final Fantasy VI? God, I hope not.
All you really need to take out of this is the phrase "historic history."
"Must....kill...drunkard..."
You do not want to know what happens to this goddamn cat.
In case you forgot about Laika's mom killing herself.
"This is just how I greet people."
(IS that you? Is that your you?)
Even outside Nightmare Hellhole, Phoenix's conversation skills can kill.
"You shouldn't have spoken to me and....what the hell happened? I'm not entirely clear on that."
Is that Elvis in the back?
And any semblance of gameplay along with it.
YOU THOUGHT IT WOULDN'T GET WORSE.
He gets a bad case of the hiccups as a result of this transformation. No, I don't know why.
"Good luck getting your money back, asshole."
Yep, that ice sure is dissolved.
The power of Holocaust-looking images haunts him still.
"Killllllllll meeeeeeee....."
Here's some more of the exact same Hebrew text. Why not?
I have to admit, that does sound prophetic.
Sepia-to-monochrome conversion 84% complete.
This line is impossible to translate faithfully.
To make up for the lack of December.
For whatever reason, he gets one of Jeremiah's prophecies, too.
You mean there are MORE of these things?
(All those guys at the Colony, they're gonna die!)
I think he's a bad guy now? Who the hell knows?
Wasn't he dead or something? Or frozen in a ceiling?
Because that's not the dumbest thing in the world.
What's that shit in the back? Is it Elvis again?
"But I'm Laika." "Same dif."
Oh, what the fuck happened here?
THIS IS YOUR HELL, LAIKA.
A weird fucking laugh (or something; hell if I know) permeates the room.
How terrifying is it that I've met somebody in real life who vaguely looks like this?
That's how you know this is a nightmare.
No, you're fine. Everybody talks about dead cats.
Oh, don't worry. All the characters are missing their legs, for some reason.
"Pay attention, class. This lesson will be your last."
"Laika! What did I tell you about existing?"
"Who dragged me into this?"
Somehow, they're more horrifying dead than alive.
"When did I become a geisha?"
Represented here, apparently.
How are his feet being reflected?
Out of nowhere, as always.
(Big bro, this guy won't shut up. Ahaha, make him dance, big bro!)
Why is that thing coloring up...?
For a boss battle, of course!
Quite the fucking upgrade. Keep in mind my health until that point was around 140.
Like eating sushi off a naked woman's body, only infinitely more horrifying.
Welcome to his Kingdom, April. You probably won't enjoy it for too long.
Apparently, this is his reaction to the event.
We've got worse things than foot fetishes coming up, you guy.
It has to end soon. It just has to.
Yea, that would be my reaction to this scene, too: just disappear from it all.
"Oh no! The womb....it's too much!"
What a bad case of fire crotch.
For some reason, this isn't comforting.
Where is this coming from? WHERE IS ANY OF THIS COMING FROM!?
"This one, to be specific."
Oh, he has VERY good reason to think we're a monster. Just you fucking wait.
Like Burt Reynolds if he wasn't even close to sexually attractive.
IT GETS SO MUCH GODDAMN WORSE.
Because tentacle rape wasn't bad enough already.
Have fun sleeping tonight.
I have to imagine this would be a good twist if the plot made any fucking sense.
"Have fun with the rest of this game, asshole!"
And then Phoenix gets squished into a million little pieces.
I think that this is supposed to mean that Laika is dead? I don't fucking know.
"We kill him. Right now. Nobody has to know."
If only it were that simple.
I think these are the only humans to appear anywhere in the game.
At first, I thought this was supposed to be Jesus being crucified. Turns out it's slightly worse.
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, how do you manage to appall?"
"Kill him, my children. Your mother demands it."
Aprils' mom, what are you doing here?
Yea, why not just have a boss battle in the middle of whatever the hell this is?
"I'll get you, my pretty. And your...oh, well, I guess you're already a dog."
You know what this game could use more of? Piss yellow filters.
Just when I thought you were the one good character in all this.
It's a small world after all!
(Almond smell, hmhmhm, you're a soldier, a real fine soldier...)
The update of a billion random plot twists.
Just like this one, apparently.
Yea, sure, why not just randomly break out into song and dance while the planet kills you?
It's crazier in motion. AS ALWAYS.
What a dignified climax, everyone.
Journey? What are YOU doing here?
"Hey, you mind if I watch the final fight?"
Bad 1950s sci-fi movies called; they told you to end it all.
Which one's the good guy in all this?
For what, I'm not entirely sure. I think he just popped up in random dream land.
"All this. You get to have all this, baby."
Hell if I know. The plot just does whatever the hell it wants.
Does he get squished now? (Actually, I have to collect three black splotches.)
Attack of the piss yellow filter.
Again, crazier in motion.
Philemon, you traitorous bastard!
Actually, he has three forms. One for each of my forms.
"What's going on? My eyes can't handle all this color!"
That's right. Feel the pain I felt, Galir.
This was a fucking Epcot ride.
Good. Destroy it all. Destroy any chance of a sequel.
"THIS IS SO GODDAMN AWESOME, YOU GUYS! WOOOOOOH!"
About my response to this game, too.
It was...the Windows logo!
I don't have a clue. I never have a clue.
Oh, god, what the hell's that thing on the bottom? Why is it smiling?
It just fucking freezes on this picture during the CG scene.
Let us dive forth unto the life stream!
Are we going to watch them fuck?
It's not much better WITHOUT the eyes, is it?
Job well done, Nakaji. I couldn't follow a single word of this thing.
"Why, yes, I do believe I should fund your video game project about dog nightmares."
The madman behind it all.
Kouki Inoue: Crafter of Nightmares.
There were a couple of good songs, you guys, but the rest was nonsense.
You mean Amanda? Or April's mom? There were a couple of voices in the game, you know.
They just tossed dead pigs from the rooftops and hoped people would get the message.
Notice the lack of a Psychological Support Dept.
"Without any of you, this monstrosity wouldn't have been possible."
Oh, hey, remember him? Remember how relevant HE was to the plot?
"I, too, am a creature of the dark."
Alfred Hitchcock, you bastard.
