Dragon Quest V DS box art (cropped)
High Res NTSC-J SNES Cover
When people say not to drink during a pregnancy, they mean it for both parents.
The hell is sugoroku? Anybody have a clue what that means?
You know how monsters in video games carry money on them for no explicable reason? Well, here, it's
Can somebody remind me why I married the other girl in my previous playthroughs?
"Yo wut dis here 'for' word supposed ta mean?"
I think that's the reason WHY he hasn't returned.
Kush Quest V: Herb of the Heavenly Bride.
I can't tell if this monster design is lazy or scary. Sclarzy?
All he needs is a top hat.
"We are here to pray for the loss of Mario."
"Dat don' sound weird, right?"
I think you're premature on the angle launch, game.
"EVEN THOUGH I'M HOLDING THE SWORD DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF MY FACE."
"Wait uh second. Ain't dis here da exact opposite o' what we's be trying ta do?"
Oh, that's right. I didn't trust her around the kids.
Bianca's been going through our shit, hasn't she?
"Why are you collecting this tea set? Who gives a shit?"
And here's our first boss battle. Not too difficult if you're at the right level.
"We saw all the weed addicts and just assumed the best."
"Learned this one from Michael Jackson."
"Yo fuq da lessons dis here game iz trying ta teach us!" (I think I'm starting to understand this.)
Didn't this exact same thing happen midway through Illusion of Gaia? What is it with Enix games?
It might as well be an Assassin's Creed game.
"Papas felt like a real dumbass when he heard."
Because all the other names she offered suck.
"Yo Who needs underwear? don't make me shank ya!" (Or maybe not.)
Certainly explains why he doesn't sell any decent weapons.
I think Andre's the only one in this screenshot who isn't high. And even that's dubious.
Couldn't afford the A, I see.
"You're fired. Like, immediately."
Her name is Bella, asshole.
Have fun sleeping tonight.
"The kid's been messing around with meth. You know what that does to a guy?"
Could've just included a story event where he learns how to read, but this works, too.
"Gay people aren't real, silly boy!"
This is the only spot in town that switches to this angle. No, I don't know why.
"I don't know how to use underwear. Better put it on this feral cat instead." (Also, leather briefs?
The translators seem to have forgotten that this is a game for kids.
"And scrub these damn floors."
So she basically imagined it all? Lazy ass.
The only evidence of the Fairy World.
"And I am the one known as Google, who translates rather literally."
"Could you stop clipping on my back, son? It's putting some stress on the programming."
"You mind if the kid watches?" "That's my son." ".........So that's a no?"
Do people actually laugh like that?
Take a drink every time you hear this phrase. You'll be plastered before you leave the castle.
I'm gonna have to go meet with a marriage councilor after this, aren't I?
"Upon hitting the ground, it became all kinds of macculate."
Drink up. You're going to be seeing this quite a bit. (Or at least I am.)
"........Was that supposed to open the door for us?"
I was trying to capture Papas slapping the shit out of Henry.
"Stop using that word or the boy gets it!"
That's just what he calls his junk.
Emotionally heavy moment in 3, 2...
It's much harder to watch in motion.
"Let's all give a round of applause for Papas!"
"......What do we do now?"
Now we know where Yukari gets it.
Hopefully, I get to use this spell at some point in the game.
That's how I want to go: hugging a giant fireball of death.
"How 'bout we celebrate with some freshly squeezed..."
Andre even cries for his companions in this scene. Let's hope it doesn't get any MORE depressing.
"You'd think ten years of that would put an end to such nightmares. Guess not."
Did their characters do a complete 180 when I wasn't looking?
Presumably BECAUSE she was a true believer.
You, sir, are not Bianca, and will never be Bianca.
"Oh no! A common occurrence for us slaves!"
What a cheery face for such a horrible act.
Well, that explains the....just about everything, really.
"I sure am chipper about this whole 'enslavement' thing, huh?"
How many times would you have to go to prison to refer to prison as a holiday?
"Excuse me....I just have to say goodbye to our cell."
And that guy over there is named Gideon, because this game is Christian as fuck.
"For one, you have unique character models."
Geez, game, could you possibly be more morose?
"He then tripped into the water and drowned, realizing what a shit poor idea this was."
"Can somebody get this damn light out of my eyes? It's making it real hard to sleep."
"And to Sister Agitha for doing her hair and clothes."
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. (Damn the English language and its strange vowel choices for ruining that joke!
Out of one cult and into another.
How kind of the slave masters not to fuck with my money over those ten arduous years.
"I sneak out of this boring dump when the nuns aren't watching and spend the night getting lit up."
"And for your brother and all your friends to be left behind?" "......God works in mysterious ways."
Really REALLY pleased, if you catch my drift.
Not that you can do much about it now.
You've only personally known her for a few days. Move on with your life, Henry.
"About. 16, 18, close enough, right?"
If they're perfectly fine with mid-day underage drinking, just IMAGINE what goes on here at night.
This has to be his business plan: depress anybody who walks in and then charge them out the ass.
Slavery does strange things to a man.
Because that worked so well when Papas tried it out a couple of updates ago.
Anything about clothes, Mr. Monster?
And they taught you how to read, too! Those were some really kind slavemasters you worked under.
Too close for comfort, there, horse.
They weren't just carrying it.
If you can think of a better analogy for the death of childhood, you must lead a sad life.
So that fairy kingdom was a racket. Toward what end, I'm not sure. I'm guessing organ harvesting.
"It's all because that b-" "I've been a slave for ten years, but I doubt it's as bad as your words."
It's a lot better in motion, which makes me question why I take such screenshots in the first place.
KICK ITS ASS INTO OBLIVION.
The best part? It does a little Thriller dance when you confirm. So, of course, I did.
What follows is a lurid description of sexual acts so heinous that I can't post them to the forums.
I told you they were heinous.
You don't want to know what the present is. It's kind of...desperate.
Guess what the closer's going to be?
It's the face in the back that makes it.
When was this? All I remember is him just hanging out in a mine for five minutes before dying.
I can't tell if that's an accent or an actual word.
"It's been ten years, King. Get over it."
Are there even words to describe it? (Besides "soft, grape-scented pillow", obviously.)
And just like that, we've come full circle to a sex joke.
"And how did I know you're flaccid?"
The Mona Lisa, Citizen Kane, Frogs in the Bed.
Because he's the cheapest bastard in the world.
We get it: not everybody likes Tropes vs. Women. Can't we discuss this in a civilized manner?
"Maybe you should re-evaluate your life if corpses are an everyday occurrence."
This happened, like, nine times before he finally got the hint.
The helmet did nothing to hide its tears.
You know, the ordinary guard dragon every castle has.
The translation team all happened to be from Britain?
".....What the fuck does that mean? Is the mafia blackmailing me or something?"
Where books are normally kept.
"The King learned all kinds of personal secrets about Henry."
"It gave me a permanent case of dyscalculia. I had to invent my own calendar system to compensate."
That's just how she greets people.
You're not a very good nun, are you?
For what? It was your brother who saved you; they just kicked slavemaster ass.
If you thought they looked bad in Persona...
HE'S FIGHTING WITH LOVE, YOU GUYS.
"Probably has something to do with you ripping it off a dead body."
"Where's your god now, Maria?"
They're doing the Gene Simmons tongue flick thing all throughout.
"Check back Thursdays on the General Discussion board!"
"I have quite a few spacely ideas, but where would we get a telescope at this hour?"
Also, Dale looks like something out of an early Shining Force game.
"You tell her this and watch her break down into tears."
"You still can't tell which is the real queen."
"Five minutes on my own, and already I'm engulfed in a war. That's got to be some type of record!"
Wait, were they pulling pranks during their slave days? AND I DIDN'T GET TO SEE THIS!?
I'm not even sure if that's a British thing.
I tried going to the church for some help, but it was too late.
Doesn't graffiti usually go on the OUTSIDE of a building?
And then the title card pops up out of nowhere.
"wE do NOt knOw hOW To usE CapITAl lETtERs."
This game was released long after Lords of the Rings, just so you know.
Well, no wonder I keep missing.
WHERE IS THE BIANCA I KNOW AND LOVE!?
For a brief second, it looked as though he was wearing the coolest set of shades.
When did this become Glory of Heracles?
What? The taste of flesh?
Oh, yea. It's a Fire Emblem, alright.
Have you seen this game? I don't God's leaving anytime soon.
The Latin Mysteries of a Chamber Pot.
This is the first draft of the Ten Commandments.
I don't swing that way. Andre might.
"Not much, though. I'm still trapped at the bottom of a well."
Do I even need to say anything? The joke makes itself.
"The cops would see your ass, otherwise."
Smoked the hell out of it and watched the sunrise.
Wait, how do you get a meth lab explosion from marijuana?
"Dude....we need more zoomoon."
Come on. Who hasn't walked around the house in their underwear? Even if it wasn't your house?
Well, that explains what happens in a bit.
"They just sit in this room for hours on end. No talking. Just sitting. For hours on end."
Presumably, the women were just sitting around like Maria up there.
Not at all. I don't even see a ring.
...they had to justify what's coming up next in the narrative.
I wanted to make a condom joke, but then realized the myriad ways it wouldn't make any damn sense.
"Carved on the inside of this treasure chest. Learned that one from our prison days."
When? All I remember is playing hide 'n seek before a kidnapping.
"PS: Want that badge? Eat my ass."
And now you know where I get the music from.
"Wouldn't YOU like to see it?"
This may look like me getting a gander of some cat anus, but there is purpose to this screenshot.
"IT MUST DIE FOR ITS CRIMES!"
What a strange name for a dog. Or anything outside the most esoteric Victorian literature.
"The one game with a dog hero, and it had to be a nightmare. *awoon*"
"She just bites the hell out of anybody else. Kind of a surprise she hasn't been put down, really."
It's the angle that makes it.
So I literally collected their anniversary? Am I a Time Lord?
That's right: no playing this music box. Decoration only.
Seems biting random strangers runs in the family. (Which I guess means Flora is half dog.)
Anybody want to Photoshop The Princess Bride into this?
OK, turns out it wasn't sexual. This is just how she socializes.
"...other than 'you're so fucked'. And not in the way you're probably hoping."
"Tell me, how strong is your stomach lining?"
Just outside his actual house. I wish I was kidding.
Prepare for a lifetime of suffering, little kid.
Did I comment on how "Lancer Army" is a singular enemy name? Or how unsettling Rockbomb is sleeping?
I'm pretty sure Japanese has a word for "pterodactyl".
FUCK THESE GUYS. They can wipe out half your HP with a hit-all move.
Wait, is that an arch? And a bridge? How was any of that built into goddamn lava?
It wouldn't be a Dragon Quest game without some metal murder.
Lord of the Rings reference in 3, 2...
She has life figured out.
"So most of the time, I just split the difference with abject rage."
His companions, however, are still quite near death.
Is the game calling me a hobo?....Well played, Dragon Quest V.
"I know how it is. Why do you think I had that fridge full of cups of urine?"
"I'm good at logic like that."
"Nobody's gonna look over here, right?" - The guy in charge of the graphics.
"I'm too old for jail. They'll eat me alive!"
This goes on for several hours.
Still shorter than you, though. Somehow.
I think that's his only line of dialogue in the entire game.
"Yo Remember me? an don't make me pull mah gat!"
About slavery and how her accent was slowly fading.
Of course not. Have you seen the size of that bed?
"Yo muh motha fuckin laugh motha fuckin sucks, don' it? what the fuck sup now?"
"Yo When we's'd wander around haunted mansions an' git trapped in dark coffins."
Holy shit! Bianca's fucking badass! Why haven't I married her before?
"Yo In retrospect, dat wuz uh bad idea slap mah fro!" "....What?"
Maybe it has something to do with jumping out of a boat to open a watergate?
A lot of people don't command others to remember things. Then again, a lot of people aren't Bianca.
OH DEAR FUCK, WHAT IS THAT FUCKING THING!?
I don't think you know what "landscape" means.
Shouldn't I be saying that? http://youtu.be/WZ7NrApups8
You mean Andre? Yea, he's like that.
Turns out to be a load-bearing ring.
"You watched a grown man burst into tears in public."
I don't want anybody seeing me naked, unless I happen to be wet, too.
"You mean the in-your-face girl everybody's talking about? No idea."
No, people ask that all the time when they meet friends of their friends.
Didn't stop me from doing it twice before.
"I thought you were past bringing dead birds into the house!"
That's the default option, because apparently, I'm a fucking dumbass.
Still having trouble with those night terrors.
"No escaping the story, ol' boy."
"Yo Shortly afta you left, ah decided ta live in da wild, like Andre."
Not the best angle for this screenshot.
"You have confirmed this after several hours of observation."
You're an interesting angle.
Pronouns. They will be the end of me.
"I'm gonna wing it. What's the worst that could happen?"
I think we all know who I'm choosing.
God's attending this? You pulled out all the stops, didn't you, Ludman?
When did my eyes suddenly get so Clannad?
"Wrong game, guy." (Wait, why are the beds facing the wall? Do people actually sleep like that?)
Like I even had a choice.
Didn't we all? Especially since Debora wasn't introduced until the DS version?
"Don't tell my wife, though."
Come to think of it, that IS a very good question.
Now why does this seem familiar?
Hey! That is NOT how we refer to women, Dragon Quest V!
You mean you've been having trouble resting throughout the game? Could've fooled me.
Response graffiti: "Nobody cares."
Finally, I'll be the prettiest King in all the land.
It suddenly got pretty Dragon Ball in here.
Sorry. No Battle Bride Bianca.
"We're still having a doctor examine it. Isn't that right, Henry?"
With Bianca by my side? Never!
Why not go the Soul Blazer route and just eliminate the no altogether?
"Man, was THAT awkward as hell."
Huh? Where was he? I don't remember seeing him in the congregation.
This is the best wedding ever.
And YOU fucked up the pronunciation. Maybe I was premature with the previous declaration.
Who's saying that, again? All the other lines were from actual characters in the story.
How has his life gotten this low?
Those puppy dog eyes + that aggressive posture = absolutely nothing wrong with this screenshot.
"Yo ah'm supposed ta sound like some kind o' awful stereotype or somethin`!"
Your lives will be incredibly short because of it.
Joined what? We will never know.
Somebody's planting something on us, aren't they? It's all a set-up. LUDMAN, YOU BASTARD!
"All of your belongings are now covered in frosting because Ludman never bothered wrapping them."
You know, wedding cupcakes. Cupcakes you make for a wedding. And then collect instead of eat.
Somebody get the stomach pump. AGAIN.
Wait, I thought I was a pothead hobo or something. When did I become a hippie?
And when did they become reverse werewolves?
"Specifically, that one following your girlfriend."
A hero, a gangster, and a mountain lion walk into a bar and get paid a lot of money.
Now we know why he was turning water into wine.
*sigh* I thought I left this behind with Persona 3.
Uh, guys, I think you forgot to translate this text.
Andre hates sequence breaking.
"Yo Excuse me, didn't you just git married da other day? what the fuck sup now?"
"Yo beotch, don' act like ah'm not here ya'll is mad stupid."
She says in the most bitter tone imaginable.
"We get it! Eternal darkness and misery. GOD!"
Is it better than Sir The King? YOU decide!
Because it was such a great time in Dragon Quest VI.
Good thing Bianca's dead in this shot. I'm sure this is the straw that breaks the camel's back.
There's not enough wood on that sign to build a boat. Good luck, stranded peoples!
Security's gone downhill for this place, hasn't it?
"And that over there is my partner, Mr. Skoopz."
What's more confusing: the sudden Cockney accent or anything else about this?
What are those things floating down the river?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj0F2KfCvhg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj0F2KfCvhg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj0F2KfCvhg http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj0F2KfCvhg
"Like that guy you were just talking to."
Just in case you doubted the nationality of the fan translators.
Is this even remotely close to how vegetables are pickled? I'm out of my league on this one.
But how else will I clean this dirty branch?
Apparently, dirty museum items are A-OK with me. Apparently.
Sadly, no choosing the music for yourself.
"Metalshop quartet. Who knew that was even possible?"
Would your last name happen to be Oohashi?
OK, how does that even remotely work?
BURN IT BEFORE IT KILLS US ALL!
"So am I the only one who can see this damn ghost?"
For instance, I'm into cupcakes and sand.
I'd open it, but he's right there.
Plus the game won't let me.
I don't remember hiring her, so I can only assume she was interviewed by a ghost.
It seems to be coming true.
I don't know why. They're incredibly easy to find. I have my museum stacked with the fuckers.
Didn't he go to his home village just outside a bustling town?
She then pukes her guts out at all the horrible things lying in my heart.
"Son, it's time I told you something..."
My Dad The Vampire. Coming this summer to Disney Channel.
If only this applied to Dragon Quest V as a whole.
Where to begin? The shithead mountain hobo or the inbred axolotl?
Only good things can come of this.
ONLY GOOD THINGS CAN COME OF THIS.
What did you think my answer would be?
Says....that mustache to the right? That lady in the back? I don't know where to fire my jokes.
"Yo Who's dis here beotch ta page me ugly, anyway? At least ah gots uh boy toy , wOrd!"
Eventually, all must bow before Generic NPC.
"Then again, the hell do I know? I told you that I'm not a doctor."
Can't say the same for you.
Now I REALLY want to find my badass mom.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kas6akz1jWU
That the translation team was British AND inexperienced?
Suck it, previously established series limits!
This is what happens when a Mimic manages to Thwack your entire party into nothingness.
"Like every other King ever. Nobody ever said he was a creative leader."
Damn it! That mountain man told me this jerky would mask the smell!
HOW FUCKING BIG IS THIS CASTLE!?
How crazy is this place that an angel goes unnoticed? Hopefully, all the crazy.
"I believe you. Andre, however..."
"Yo ah wanted ta travel da world, spitting mad rhymes like uh modern day poet."
Don't fuck with British nannies. I'm speaking from experience.
You may want to shorten that.
My wife. Don't get any ideas.
"Why isn't she bowing to ME!?"
News travels faster than people, apparently.
How? I don't remember ever having sex with her........Has Bianca been cheating on me?
Because you knew it'd be the end of this marriage, right?
Who in the world are YOU?
I'm gonna have a LOT of fun with this name.
Are you sure you want to put it like that?
Maybe ask the dancing penguins if they've seen it.
The Cave of Fairy Farts: a proud Granvanian landmark (that nobody's bothered maintaining).
A maxim realized by making you turn statues until they face each other.
It knows of our rocky marriage.
What the hell are THESE things?
FUCKING BASH ITS BRAINS IN.
"They don't have a good grasp on that there logic thing."
Recurring Dragon Quest villain (probably) and kinda racist hippo thing with glasses (probably).
Not that he needs it. His agility is through the roof.
"Papas, you magnificent bastard."
How long's she been pregnant for? Two months?
Ontological paradox ahoy!
"Yo But why did you bring uh pool o' mercury wif you? ain't dat gonna be bad fo' da kids?"
It's settled, then. We'll call him Numor.
"It was a one time mistake. You know she still loves you."
Don't know why I chose this. She gave birth to two gigantic children without her legs splitting.
If you're gonna fuck with a kid, best to do it from the beginning.
I am gender equal, after all.
"Yo If dis here wasn't uh stupidly Christian game, ah'd git uh divorce. Don' make me come ova there"
He says super sarcastically.
That's to be expected when you give birth to children the size of full grown poodles.
"Confusion and repetition spread throughout the kingdom."
I did it. I became a Triple King.
How? You didn't have any room to sleep.
"Well, we already did, didn't we?"
Like Paladin's Quest without all the suck.
"Kill them all. So sayeth the King."
Usually, you don't attach an exclamation mark to that.
"Ugh....what did we do today?....Screw it. Bianca has it coming."
"Maybe I went a little overboard with this."
Granvania: The Party Kingdom.
She was no the entire time.
Are we dealing with a serial date rapist? Poppin, I'm looking at you.
Oh my god! The Chancellor was Zero this whole time!
The way I play games, that's almost NEVER the case.
So the Chancellor's forced to play time travel sudoku and I'm apparently a vampire. What?
Actually, I think he's just following his heart.
Somehow, this only makes me feel worse about killing them in droves.
A face only a mother could hate. (Why do I feel like this isn't the last time I'll be saying that?)
And I didn't have to blow up any castles to see it.
Somehow, in this universe, clowns are MORE terrifying.
One of two monsters in the entire game to specify their level for no real reason.
Be glad there's no voice acting. Otherwise, this would've sounded all kinds of weird.
"The last five to drop by have been a little dry."
But what about FIRE spells?
You know, I'm not supposed to agree with the villain.
I can't place it, but there's just something about this pose that I love so much.
Bianca, now's not the time to be an absolute badass.
".....Well, this is all kinds of awkward."
Depression incoming in 3, 2...
"I've always preferred existential nightmares like this."
"Wait, how does ice work, again?"
Be glad that she's frozen in that position. Otherwise, you'd probably lose a lot of fingers.
"All hail King and Queen Baby!"
They just learned what those names mean.
"I say in front of the babies."
Apparently, I am worth as much as a pair of Killer Earrings.
I'm pretty sure it gets worse.
"Braaaaiiiiinnnnsssss....." "Look, honey! His first words!"
"I never thought she'd cheat on me with my infant son."
Before Cloud Strife was an eco-terrorist with identity issues, he was a farmer with a Cockney accent
And so the seasons change.
And yet the fountain remains unfrozen.
"Does that count, Gema?" "Not even close."
Did I father Cloud Strife (who apparently became a time traveler between jokes)? Fucking awesome!
Because who wants a cool status effect in battle and a staff to cure it?
Since when did he become Mario?
"Got you to thank for that one."
"................................................"
"You've inhereted your mother's gangster speech? You've done me proud, son."
"Two children are born, and the father abandons them both for eight years. A real laugh riot, right?
Ikutsuki was definitely involved in this game. As writer or translator, though, I cannot say.
Somehow. How much does that thing weigh?
"Could you get him to leave? He's been causing a lot of trouble 'fighting with love'."
"Finally. Something we can agree on."
"The pleasure's all yours."
"Can I talk with you in private for a sec, The King?"
"She insists on keeping us around. Something about looking sexier in comparison. I dunno."
"Swipe their wallet and hope they don't notice?" "That's ma boy!"
He just browsed the Terranigma image gallery.
"........................." "I take it I shouldn't have said that."
"Yea, that's right, DAD. Didn't you have children eight years ago?"
Uh, Henry, he's close enough to see that you're not wearing contacts.
"Seriously, what the hell's going on with that son of yours? It's like you weren't even there."
Maria: a shitty parent first, a shitty nun second.
"....Sancho? That fake queen? I don't follow, sweety." (Wait a minute, how would Maria know this?)
"I would've been put in jail if I wasn't the prince. Guess that slave camp was karmic justice."
It just struck me: how did he develop Bianca's mannerisms if she wasn't there to raise him?
"EXCEPT HOW TO RAISE A CHILD."
Collins might take issue with that.
Why not boost its already high defense even higher?
Why's he spacing it out like that? Has he been lighting up without us?
Bennett doesn't think much of us, does he?
Do I even need to add a caption? The joke just makes itself.
"Finally, something we can agree on." "You already said th-"
"I gotta say, I wasn't expecting your DAUGHTER to inherit this 'stache."
Is there a concept page for this kind of thing? I feel like there should be.
Shin Megami Tensei in a nutshell.
How? He doesn't have hands or the ability to speak.
"Are you high?" "Is this Dragon Quest V?"
Dragon Quest: Christianity if God was a fucking dragon.
How are you still in business?
End celestial segregation!
"You will be consumed by the fire, though."
It's just the same picture of Burt Reynolds repeated endlessly.
Just the funny psalms, which explains why there are only two pages.
"No one to tell us no, or where to go, or say we're only dreaming." "..............." "Oh, right."
Maybe I should hire security better than an old man's ghost.
Why not boost his high agility higher still?
"Just thought you'd want to know that."
After trudging through that labyrinthine hellhole, I can understand.
"Burn it all. Burn it to the Earth."
"I don't want to die first."
Nothing more menacing than a fat cat.
I'd say this is badass if his size didn't bump the textures down to PS1 levels.
Some men just want to watch the world burn. Others bring their kids.
"Seriously? This is what I'm dealing with?....Might as well make the best of it."
Of course he can't. That red nose is a dead giveaway.
"Fuck a white Christmas. I'm going for a red one."
"And sang the most beautiful aria your ears had ever heard."
You know you're fucked when he isn't even phased by giant freezing spikes on his genitals.
"Why do you think I live in this secluded area where law enforcement can't touch me?"
You can never get close to that fucking rock :(.
So Israel and Satan are a palette swap away? Way to get controversial, game.
No, but it is supposed to get you butt deep into a secluded sports shed.
"Speedy, sit this one out. I have a death wish for me and my kids."
HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE!?
Probably as a result of that 20 year cart ride.
Like the Phantom Train, except you don't die.
THIS IS SO GODDAMN AWESOME!
Excuse me. Just wrapping up my latest blog.
Now where are the words "Dragon Quest V"?
How does sepia tone even exist in a world where cameras don't?
I wanna say "Still ignoring what the game's telling me", but how does gangster become Victorian?
Still a fucking klepto, I see.
He looks more like the assassin, after all.
No. Don't make me live through this again.
It's like he knew he'd be in a 19th century sepia tone photo.
Damn, even Andre doesn't want to watch this again.
"Nothing is true; everything is permitted."
"That includes smashing this thing into nothingness."
"Was it made of glass?" ".....Fuck."
Insanity runs in the family. Loveless can't be too far behind.
I end up walking with a knife in the back of my knee for the rest of the game.
If only Bianca didn't disappear immediately after you were born. Maybe then you'd be a good gangster
In this case, it's The King.
Then what the hell are you?.......WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU!?
The creepiest fucking melodies imaginable.
MY SPELLS CAN DEFY SPACETIME ITSELF!
"And it's not something you should be proud of."
"A what?" "I don't know. An electric cake?" "What kind of cake?"
Can this end well? Probably not.
I don't buy it. What part of Heaven could contain anything like her?
"It was technically incest. Because it's a medieval game, you see."
"Because his father certainly hasn't."
Damn it. Why couldn't it be an actual wizard cat? Why must you crush my dreams, Enix?
"See anything you like? Hmmmmmm?"
"PUT IT ON, SON. MAKE YOUR DAD PROUD."
I wanted to show him throwing pots and say something stupid, but that didn't work out, did it?
"Did you hear about the spanking he received for sneaking out for several nights?"
And then burn it to the fucking ground.
That's all he can do: stare in disbelief.
"Don't bring your son on your adventures. Gonna save you a LOT of trouble."
So I've been playing as Jesus the whole time? Hell yes?
"Even when they're completely reasonable and eerily specific in detail."
"I don't normally believe in prophecies, but your feminine eyes tell me otherwise."
Apparently, my character is just oozing sexual appeal. Apparently.
"You're so very fucked, kid."
"Man, was THAT confusing as hell."
"In that cave to the north, where nobody will see us? I see no problems with that."
"Hope your past self is colorblind?"
"Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me."
Notice where everybody's looking.
"I can tell from this completely windowless room."
"Hahaahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa."
"All huddled up in fear, thinking that they'd somehow survive."
From their perspective, flying this thing amounts to standing on a giant SQUARE button. Imagine that
If Link was a kleptomaniac...even moreso than usual.
"Are you dyslexic?" ".......Can you keep a secret?"
Yes. That's what thunder looks like.
OK, so maybe that electricity joke a while back doesn't hold up in a world with rogue robot dragons.
Oh, right. Forgot about that.
On an eight year old girl. Remember that.
"You know, my daughter's still available."
I already have enough psychological issues. Don't need yet another one.
Sadly, this doesn't give me that kickass cape from long ago.
See? I have that shit equipped, but still have this drab purple affair.
Because people tend to SUPPRESS bad experiences.
"Why did I bother asking, again?"
FUCKING FINALLY. I think Nyx went down faster than this guy.
".....What?" "Shut up. It makes sense."
"My PSYCHOLOGIST told me that YELLING THINGS helps me to REMEMBER THEM."
Could've been badass, but just looks kinda stupid here.
"Loveless, are you abusing your levitation powers again?"
We got back just in time to see an angelic mugging. Huzzahs are in order.
I have obtained the ultimate power.
"Those twenty years on the cart have worked up my appetite."
"I felt like I was just going in circles over and over again."
Only so I can do a live reading of one of my blogs.
"And I shall rain heavenly fire upon your foes."
Turns out to be even better. (Wait, isn't this the third flying vehicle I've gotten in this game?)
Like Rocky with more cults.
Forgot a couple of S's there, Guard Who is Apparently Part Snake.
When you see something like this, you just HAVE to capture it for future generations.
How many other developers would put the armor you're about to get in the battle background?
"I AM THE DRAGON QUEST!" "You mean Dragon WARRIOR?" "....I guess?"
".................You disappoint me, son."
Maybe post some guards outside, too. I don't even remember any random encounters out there.
"Funny. That's the same as my mom's."
I'd make a Star Wars joke if that didn't end up being exactly the case.
Can't think of a genuine compliment, can you?
"Yea, he was a badass warrior king, but what else did he have going for him? Jack shit; that's what.
It's bound to be long and boring and all other kinds of things.
I think this is actually necessary to proceed. Doesn't stop her from cursing me.
He doesn't have a good memory, does he?
Go back to the last screenshot so you can appreciate how poorly hidden this thing was.
"Man, this takes me back. All those whippings and nightmares...Those were...those...the d..."
Fuck respecting the dead; just think of all the juicy gossip that lies within!
Now I know why they wouldn't let me marry Maria.
"If I had another, it would be to not die." (And why's he stuttering? He WROTE THIS DOWN.)
AFTER ALL THIS TIME, that Prayer Ring FINALLY breaks down.
"That old fairy angel whatever guy ain't got shit on me!"
The wagon that Master Dragon agreed to carry on his back.
"And sentient puddle of mercury! (Is that what that thing is?)"
Kinda wish I had a robot party member so that previous joke actually made sense.
"Turns out that previous fight was completely meaningless."
"There are children here, for Mildarth's sake!....(Meet me later behind the dumpster.)"
"On second thought, alligator men aren't really my type. They just don't listen to 'no teeth'."
That's Dragon Quest for you!
"You're looking uncomfortable. Don't you want to slip out of those robes and into mine?"
Oh, and I guess a ring starts floating down from the ceiling.
Thermodynamics can go to Hell. (Guess where we're going next?)
The meds are helping with that.
"Don't ask how. Just trust me: I know my shit."
That thing in the back is sneezing on my wife, isn't it?
Or maybe just coughing. Hard to tell, really.
That's just what she says whenever she wakes up.
"Last tyme ah challenge an entire bar ta uh drinking contest all ye damn hood ratz."
"Who would've thought? Certainly not you, dumbass."
Time flies when you're grinding like crazy. (Or at least I wish it did.)
"Wait, why be ah da one sayin` dis here? Shouldn't it be one o' da kids?"
"At least ONE OF YOU remembered us."
"Why did you give us such horrible names?" (Take note of the typo. Who WOULDN'T want Bianca mom?)
"Would you mind changing your name or something? It's needlessly confusing."
"You were screaming about it in your sleep. Woke up the entire castle."
Bianca: ready for absolutely anything. Was there ever any doubt?
Most people say LOVE, Bianca.
You think he'd have figured that out by now.
This is too late for you to just be learning these things, Loveless.
"That's because they refuse to speak to me."
"After a while, you just get used to the stench of vomit and corpses." "Tell me about it."
You could've just said "booze" and gotten the same result.
But she does serve children, apparently.
This was my first battle after bringing her back from the dead. Her first instinct? Wreck some shit.
By the end of this battle, that guy on the right looks worse than the guys on the left. FAR worse.
All that's left is Cortana freaking the hell out.
"And beaned him straight in the skull."
Fantasy as....not quite fuck. Maybe just fantasy, really.
You know how most RPGs have NPCs that say "Welcome to [TOWN NAME]"? Well, Dragon Quest V has this.
400 gold!? There better be a jacuzzi in my room for that price, lady.
But what about Ice spells?
So when did I enter the first season of Digimon?
"In the Room of Moral Ambiguity, tucked away in the Maliciousness Wing."
It's even stranger than any joke I could make about it.
Told you. And no, it isn't a haiku (or if it is, it's definitely a translated version).
The strange thing here is that the Inn part is a still image rather than models and stuff.
"Did you have to steal the chest, too?" "Of course! Where else am I supposed to store all my crap?"
The hood's designed like that to hide his shame. His horrible, sweaty shame.
Hooray! Now I can go and revive Bianca several updates ago!
Museums will do that to a kid.
At first, I was going to point out the shitty sky texture.
I see the flare; I don't see the dragon.
Well, you can fuck about with the camera on those stairs to get it back to what is should be.
Prepare to rip your arms in two, Snake Guy.
You know you're awesome when God provides a spotlight for your introduction.
"I'm, like, level 35." "Seriously? How did you even make it this far?"
OH, COME ON. I spent 20 hours searching for you, Martha. Why do you have to end it all in 5 minutes?
Jazz hands count as praying, right?
"Thought you couldn't hate my character more?"
"That line probably would've made more sense eight years ago, now that I think about it."
Again, he takes forever. This turns out to be a recurring theme among these end-game bosses.
Well, at least he gets a kickass death animation.
NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO TOKE UP, MOTHER.
"I guess that runs in the family. Isn't that right, dad?"
"I've got enough explosives to nuke a small country."
That's right. She's still gonna die :(.
"...killing me instead of him. Let him live with the agony."
"(This is some really good shit.)"
"Stop disappearing for his entire life and forcing him to chase after you."
"You will never have a moment of peace for the rest of your life."
As opposed to all the other swords you've seen.
"I told you: always watching over you. Always."
Finally, I can complete the ensemble.
Kamikaze by what? Master Dragon? Magic carpet?
"Honey, we've been here for two hours. When are we going to leave?" "In a minute. I just......j....u
Sadly, I am not sexy enough for it.
It's beginning to look a lot like Earthbound.
"Man, this place has some really weird gang problems."
It's not a cloak or anything. You just gain the ability to shrug in battle.
YOU KNOW IT. NOW GIMME THAT EXP.
Those statues in the back track your position throughout this hall. It's all kinds of creepy.
".....You thinking about putting that back anytime soon?"
It'll go great with my adamantium skeleton.
Rifling through this man's personal belongings is off limits.
It only gets more badass from here, folks.
I wasn't even aware there was an identity issue going on here.
Let's beat the shit out of Jesus!
"...in this economy, it's tough to make ends meet."
I will never mature enough to stop pointing out typos.
Enix: Our Games End With You Beating Up Piccolo Christ.
I should mention that this guy never changes position in any of these story scenes. It's off-putting
"No, seriously, I'm gonna need you to die, though."
OK, which one of you stole Mildarth from my screenshots?
This is what we're fighting. Kinda dumb, but I'll t-
OK, scratch that. THIS is what we're fighting.
FUCKING PICK SOMETHING ALREADY.
That tail's gonna sprout nine other tails, isn't it?
Not as menacing with the tongue sticking out, is it?
What oddly specific numbers.
But enough about marriage. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CdVTCDdEwI
"(Plain bitch.)" "What was that?" "Nothing. Nothing at all."
"Say, whatever DID happen to that Mildarth fellow?" "........Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit...."
If only medieval art was this badass.
"I also work as a disco ball, somehow. I told you how tough it is out there, right?"
"That doesn't include the demon realm. I'm honestly clueless as to how you even got here."
Sexist dragon dick. (Is coincidentally the name of this underground porno I'm making.)
I can imagine what The King has sacrificed, somewhat, but for everybody else, I'm kind of at a loss.
"How about we get rid of these sentries and just go wild?" "Come on, man! My kids are right here!"
Twaddle? Gotta remember to use that word.
"Oh, honey, it wasn't that much of a shock. We both know Collins won't really amount to anything."
"Nahh, it's perfectly fine. Ah lost count uh while ago, too in the hood."
"Honey, have you been drinking again? I told you that we were having company!"
There are some really lax nuns in this universe, aren't there?
HOLD UP A SECOND. What happened to this place being burned to the ground?
Just look at how ecstatic this fucker is.
Watching his McLudman's empire collapse into the dust.
You're right that you better not. I've already had enough Debora talk to deal with.
What astute powers of observation.
"I needed an excuse to lie down, anyway."
"Spousal abuse is hilarious, especially when it's happening to my daughter."
Because I don't have enough already.
I love how casual religion is in this universe. Just full of laughing priests and lustful nuns.
"I asked him to change your name because holy shit, this is confusing."
"And who are you, again?"
"This is a weird kingdom we rule over." "It sure is."
Master Dragon became a human once again just to get his groove on.
No idea who those other two people are.
"We bestow upon thee the ability to create Mildarth, the ultimate form of the Judgment Arcana."
"OUR children? How many men did you fuck behind my back?"
"Now why couldn't WE dance in our throne room like that?"
Who left the fucking window open?
When they raise their hands, the women just spin in place. The Dance of Granvania.
"That's what we call foreshadowing....sort of."
This would be a phone number if not for the medieval universe.
"But dolls don't have that down there."
Remember when your dad escaped to some cave and died right before your eyes? What sweet memories.
Remember how that didn't open the door? Well, I have no problems telling the same joke twice.
"The only happy day of our marriage. Right, Bianca?"
She then spends the night crying into her pillow and breaking everything in sight.
"But you only compose the m-" "I WANT FULL OWNERSHIP."
"Look, you didn't even write anything new for this. It was only arran-" "I'LL SUE THE ASS OFF YOU!"
When people say not to drink during a pregnancy, they mean it for both parents.
The hell is sugoroku? Anybody have a clue what that means?
You know how monsters in video games carry money on them for no explicable reason? Well, here, it's
Can somebody remind me why I married the other girl in my previous playthroughs?
"Yo wut dis here 'for' word supposed ta mean?"
I think that's the reason WHY he hasn't returned.
Kush Quest V: Herb of the Heavenly Bride.
I can't tell if this monster design is lazy or scary. Sclarzy?
All he needs is a top hat.
"We are here to pray for the loss of Mario."
"Dat don' sound weird, right?"
I think you're premature on the angle launch, game.
"EVEN THOUGH I'M HOLDING THE SWORD DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF MY FACE."
"Wait uh second. Ain't dis here da exact opposite o' what we's be trying ta do?"
Oh, that's right. I didn't trust her around the kids.
Bianca's been going through our shit, hasn't she?
"Why are you collecting this tea set? Who gives a shit?"
And here's our first boss battle. Not too difficult if you're at the right level.
"We saw all the weed addicts and just assumed the best."
"Learned this one from Michael Jackson."
"Yo fuq da lessons dis here game iz trying ta teach us!" (I think I'm starting to understand this.)
Didn't this exact same thing happen midway through Illusion of Gaia? What is it with Enix games?
It might as well be an Assassin's Creed game.
"Papas felt like a real dumbass when he heard."
Because all the other names she offered suck.
"Yo Who needs underwear? don't make me shank ya!" (Or maybe not.)
Certainly explains why he doesn't sell any decent weapons.
I think Andre's the only one in this screenshot who isn't high. And even that's dubious.
Couldn't afford the A, I see.
"You're fired. Like, immediately."
Her name is Bella, asshole.
Have fun sleeping tonight.
"The kid's been messing around with meth. You know what that does to a guy?"
Could've just included a story event where he learns how to read, but this works, too.
"Gay people aren't real, silly boy!"
This is the only spot in town that switches to this angle. No, I don't know why.
"I don't know how to use underwear. Better put it on this feral cat instead." (Also, leather briefs?
The translators seem to have forgotten that this is a game for kids.
"And scrub these damn floors."
So she basically imagined it all? Lazy ass.
The only evidence of the Fairy World.
"And I am the one known as Google, who translates rather literally."
"Could you stop clipping on my back, son? It's putting some stress on the programming."
"You mind if the kid watches?" "That's my son." ".........So that's a no?"
Do people actually laugh like that?
Take a drink every time you hear this phrase. You'll be plastered before you leave the castle.
I'm gonna have to go meet with a marriage councilor after this, aren't I?
"Upon hitting the ground, it became all kinds of macculate."
Drink up. You're going to be seeing this quite a bit. (Or at least I am.)
"........Was that supposed to open the door for us?"
I was trying to capture Papas slapping the shit out of Henry.
"Stop using that word or the boy gets it!"
That's just what he calls his junk.
Emotionally heavy moment in 3, 2...
It's much harder to watch in motion.
"Let's all give a round of applause for Papas!"
"......What do we do now?"
Now we know where Yukari gets it.
Hopefully, I get to use this spell at some point in the game.
That's how I want to go: hugging a giant fireball of death.
"How 'bout we celebrate with some freshly squeezed..."
Andre even cries for his companions in this scene. Let's hope it doesn't get any MORE depressing.
"You'd think ten years of that would put an end to such nightmares. Guess not."
Did their characters do a complete 180 when I wasn't looking?
Presumably BECAUSE she was a true believer.
You, sir, are not Bianca, and will never be Bianca.
"Oh no! A common occurrence for us slaves!"
What a cheery face for such a horrible act.
Well, that explains the....just about everything, really.
"I sure am chipper about this whole 'enslavement' thing, huh?"
How many times would you have to go to prison to refer to prison as a holiday?
"Excuse me....I just have to say goodbye to our cell."
And that guy over there is named Gideon, because this game is Christian as fuck.
"For one, you have unique character models."
Geez, game, could you possibly be more morose?
"He then tripped into the water and drowned, realizing what a shit poor idea this was."
"Can somebody get this damn light out of my eyes? It's making it real hard to sleep."
"And to Sister Agitha for doing her hair and clothes."
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. (Damn the English language and its strange vowel choices for ruining that joke!
Out of one cult and into another.
How kind of the slave masters not to fuck with my money over those ten arduous years.
"I sneak out of this boring dump when the nuns aren't watching and spend the night getting lit up."
"And for your brother and all your friends to be left behind?" "......God works in mysterious ways."
Really REALLY pleased, if you catch my drift.
Not that you can do much about it now.
You've only personally known her for a few days. Move on with your life, Henry.
"About. 16, 18, close enough, right?"
If they're perfectly fine with mid-day underage drinking, just IMAGINE what goes on here at night.
This has to be his business plan: depress anybody who walks in and then charge them out the ass.
Slavery does strange things to a man.
Because that worked so well when Papas tried it out a couple of updates ago.
Anything about clothes, Mr. Monster?
And they taught you how to read, too! Those were some really kind slavemasters you worked under.
Too close for comfort, there, horse.
They weren't just carrying it.
If you can think of a better analogy for the death of childhood, you must lead a sad life.
So that fairy kingdom was a racket. Toward what end, I'm not sure. I'm guessing organ harvesting.
"It's all because that b-" "I've been a slave for ten years, but I doubt it's as bad as your words."
It's a lot better in motion, which makes me question why I take such screenshots in the first place.
KICK ITS ASS INTO OBLIVION.
The best part? It does a little Thriller dance when you confirm. So, of course, I did.
What follows is a lurid description of sexual acts so heinous that I can't post them to the forums.
I told you they were heinous.
You don't want to know what the present is. It's kind of...desperate.
Guess what the closer's going to be?
It's the face in the back that makes it.
When was this? All I remember is him just hanging out in a mine for five minutes before dying.
I can't tell if that's an accent or an actual word.
"It's been ten years, King. Get over it."
Are there even words to describe it? (Besides "soft, grape-scented pillow", obviously.)
And just like that, we've come full circle to a sex joke.
"And how did I know you're flaccid?"
The Mona Lisa, Citizen Kane, Frogs in the Bed.
Because he's the cheapest bastard in the world.
We get it: not everybody likes Tropes vs. Women. Can't we discuss this in a civilized manner?
"Maybe you should re-evaluate your life if corpses are an everyday occurrence."
This happened, like, nine times before he finally got the hint.
The helmet did nothing to hide its tears.
You know, the ordinary guard dragon every castle has.
The translation team all happened to be from Britain?
".....What the fuck does that mean? Is the mafia blackmailing me or something?"
Where books are normally kept.
"The King learned all kinds of personal secrets about Henry."
"It gave me a permanent case of dyscalculia. I had to invent my own calendar system to compensate."
That's just how she greets people.
You're not a very good nun, are you?
For what? It was your brother who saved you; they just kicked slavemaster ass.
If you thought they looked bad in Persona...
HE'S FIGHTING WITH LOVE, YOU GUYS.
"Probably has something to do with you ripping it off a dead body."
"Where's your god now, Maria?"
They're doing the Gene Simmons tongue flick thing all throughout.
"Check back Thursdays on the General Discussion board!"
"I have quite a few spacely ideas, but where would we get a telescope at this hour?"
Also, Dale looks like something out of an early Shining Force game.
"You tell her this and watch her break down into tears."
"You still can't tell which is the real queen."
"Five minutes on my own, and already I'm engulfed in a war. That's got to be some type of record!"
Wait, were they pulling pranks during their slave days? AND I DIDN'T GET TO SEE THIS!?
I'm not even sure if that's a British thing.
I tried going to the church for some help, but it was too late.
Doesn't graffiti usually go on the OUTSIDE of a building?
And then the title card pops up out of nowhere.
"wE do NOt knOw hOW To usE CapITAl lETtERs."
This game was released long after Lords of the Rings, just so you know.
Well, no wonder I keep missing.
WHERE IS THE BIANCA I KNOW AND LOVE!?
For a brief second, it looked as though he was wearing the coolest set of shades.
When did this become Glory of Heracles?
What? The taste of flesh?
Oh, yea. It's a Fire Emblem, alright.
Have you seen this game? I don't God's leaving anytime soon.
The Latin Mysteries of a Chamber Pot.
This is the first draft of the Ten Commandments.
I don't swing that way. Andre might.
"Not much, though. I'm still trapped at the bottom of a well."
Do I even need to say anything? The joke makes itself.
"The cops would see your ass, otherwise."
Smoked the hell out of it and watched the sunrise.
Wait, how do you get a meth lab explosion from marijuana?
"Dude....we need more zoomoon."
Come on. Who hasn't walked around the house in their underwear? Even if it wasn't your house?
Well, that explains what happens in a bit.
"They just sit in this room for hours on end. No talking. Just sitting. For hours on end."
Presumably, the women were just sitting around like Maria up there.
Not at all. I don't even see a ring.
...they had to justify what's coming up next in the narrative.
I wanted to make a condom joke, but then realized the myriad ways it wouldn't make any damn sense.
"Carved on the inside of this treasure chest. Learned that one from our prison days."
When? All I remember is playing hide 'n seek before a kidnapping.
"PS: Want that badge? Eat my ass."
And now you know where I get the music from.
"Wouldn't YOU like to see it?"
This may look like me getting a gander of some cat anus, but there is purpose to this screenshot.
"IT MUST DIE FOR ITS CRIMES!"
What a strange name for a dog. Or anything outside the most esoteric Victorian literature.
"The one game with a dog hero, and it had to be a nightmare. *awoon*"
"She just bites the hell out of anybody else. Kind of a surprise she hasn't been put down, really."
It's the angle that makes it.
So I literally collected their anniversary? Am I a Time Lord?
That's right: no playing this music box. Decoration only.
Seems biting random strangers runs in the family. (Which I guess means Flora is half dog.)
Anybody want to Photoshop The Princess Bride into this?
OK, turns out it wasn't sexual. This is just how she socializes.
"...other than 'you're so fucked'. And not in the way you're probably hoping."
"Tell me, how strong is your stomach lining?"
Just outside his actual house. I wish I was kidding.
Prepare for a lifetime of suffering, little kid.
Did I comment on how "Lancer Army" is a singular enemy name? Or how unsettling Rockbomb is sleeping?
I'm pretty sure Japanese has a word for "pterodactyl".
FUCK THESE GUYS. They can wipe out half your HP with a hit-all move.
Wait, is that an arch? And a bridge? How was any of that built into goddamn lava?
It wouldn't be a Dragon Quest game without some metal murder.
Lord of the Rings reference in 3, 2...
She has life figured out.
"So most of the time, I just split the difference with abject rage."
His companions, however, are still quite near death.
Is the game calling me a hobo?....Well played, Dragon Quest V.
"I know how it is. Why do you think I had that fridge full of cups of urine?"
"I'm good at logic like that."
"Nobody's gonna look over here, right?" - The guy in charge of the graphics.
"I'm too old for jail. They'll eat me alive!"
This goes on for several hours.
Still shorter than you, though. Somehow.
I think that's his only line of dialogue in the entire game.
"Yo Remember me? an don't make me pull mah gat!"
About slavery and how her accent was slowly fading.
Of course not. Have you seen the size of that bed?
"Yo muh motha fuckin laugh motha fuckin sucks, don' it? what the fuck sup now?"
"Yo When we's'd wander around haunted mansions an' git trapped in dark coffins."
Holy shit! Bianca's fucking badass! Why haven't I married her before?
"Yo In retrospect, dat wuz uh bad idea slap mah fro!" "....What?"
Maybe it has something to do with jumping out of a boat to open a watergate?
A lot of people don't command others to remember things. Then again, a lot of people aren't Bianca.
OH DEAR FUCK, WHAT IS THAT FUCKING THING!?
I don't think you know what "landscape" means.
Shouldn't I be saying that? http://youtu.be/WZ7NrApups8
You mean Andre? Yea, he's like that.
Turns out to be a load-bearing ring.
"You watched a grown man burst into tears in public."
I don't want anybody seeing me naked, unless I happen to be wet, too.
"You mean the in-your-face girl everybody's talking about? No idea."
No, people ask that all the time when they meet friends of their friends.
Didn't stop me from doing it twice before.
"I thought you were past bringing dead birds into the house!"
That's the default option, because apparently, I'm a fucking dumbass.
Still having trouble with those night terrors.
"No escaping the story, ol' boy."
"Yo Shortly afta you left, ah decided ta live in da wild, like Andre."
Not the best angle for this screenshot.
"You have confirmed this after several hours of observation."
You're an interesting angle.
Pronouns. They will be the end of me.
"I'm gonna wing it. What's the worst that could happen?"
I think we all know who I'm choosing.
God's attending this? You pulled out all the stops, didn't you, Ludman?
When did my eyes suddenly get so Clannad?
"Wrong game, guy." (Wait, why are the beds facing the wall? Do people actually sleep like that?)
Like I even had a choice.
Didn't we all? Especially since Debora wasn't introduced until the DS version?
"Don't tell my wife, though."
Come to think of it, that IS a very good question.
Now why does this seem familiar?
Hey! That is NOT how we refer to women, Dragon Quest V!
You mean you've been having trouble resting throughout the game? Could've fooled me.
Response graffiti: "Nobody cares."
Finally, I'll be the prettiest King in all the land.
It suddenly got pretty Dragon Ball in here.
Sorry. No Battle Bride Bianca.
"We're still having a doctor examine it. Isn't that right, Henry?"
With Bianca by my side? Never!
Why not go the Soul Blazer route and just eliminate the no altogether?
"Man, was THAT awkward as hell."
Huh? Where was he? I don't remember seeing him in the congregation.
This is the best wedding ever.
And YOU fucked up the pronunciation. Maybe I was premature with the previous declaration.
Who's saying that, again? All the other lines were from actual characters in the story.
How has his life gotten this low?
Those puppy dog eyes + that aggressive posture = absolutely nothing wrong with this screenshot.
"Yo ah'm supposed ta sound like some kind o' awful stereotype or somethin`!"
Your lives will be incredibly short because of it.
Joined what? We will never know.
Somebody's planting something on us, aren't they? It's all a set-up. LUDMAN, YOU BASTARD!
"All of your belongings are now covered in frosting because Ludman never bothered wrapping them."
You know, wedding cupcakes. Cupcakes you make for a wedding. And then collect instead of eat.
Somebody get the stomach pump. AGAIN.
Wait, I thought I was a pothead hobo or something. When did I become a hippie?
And when did they become reverse werewolves?
"Specifically, that one following your girlfriend."
A hero, a gangster, and a mountain lion walk into a bar and get paid a lot of money.
Now we know why he was turning water into wine.
*sigh* I thought I left this behind with Persona 3.
Uh, guys, I think you forgot to translate this text.
Andre hates sequence breaking.
"Yo Excuse me, didn't you just git married da other day? what the fuck sup now?"
"Yo beotch, don' act like ah'm not here ya'll is mad stupid."
She says in the most bitter tone imaginable.
"We get it! Eternal darkness and misery. GOD!"
Is it better than Sir The King? YOU decide!
Because it was such a great time in Dragon Quest VI.
Good thing Bianca's dead in this shot. I'm sure this is the straw that breaks the camel's back.
There's not enough wood on that sign to build a boat. Good luck, stranded peoples!
Security's gone downhill for this place, hasn't it?
"And that over there is my partner, Mr. Skoopz."
What's more confusing: the sudden Cockney accent or anything else about this?
What are those things floating down the river?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj0F2KfCvhg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj0F2KfCvhg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj0F2KfCvhg http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj0F2KfCvhg
"Like that guy you were just talking to."
Just in case you doubted the nationality of the fan translators.
Is this even remotely close to how vegetables are pickled? I'm out of my league on this one.
But how else will I clean this dirty branch?
Apparently, dirty museum items are A-OK with me. Apparently.
Sadly, no choosing the music for yourself.
"Metalshop quartet. Who knew that was even possible?"
Would your last name happen to be Oohashi?
OK, how does that even remotely work?
BURN IT BEFORE IT KILLS US ALL!
"So am I the only one who can see this damn ghost?"
For instance, I'm into cupcakes and sand.
I'd open it, but he's right there.
Plus the game won't let me.
I don't remember hiring her, so I can only assume she was interviewed by a ghost.
It seems to be coming true.
I don't know why. They're incredibly easy to find. I have my museum stacked with the fuckers.
Didn't he go to his home village just outside a bustling town?
She then pukes her guts out at all the horrible things lying in my heart.
"Son, it's time I told you something..."
My Dad The Vampire. Coming this summer to Disney Channel.
If only this applied to Dragon Quest V as a whole.
Where to begin? The shithead mountain hobo or the inbred axolotl?
Only good things can come of this.
ONLY GOOD THINGS CAN COME OF THIS.
What did you think my answer would be?
Says....that mustache to the right? That lady in the back? I don't know where to fire my jokes.
"Yo Who's dis here beotch ta page me ugly, anyway? At least ah gots uh boy toy , wOrd!"
Eventually, all must bow before Generic NPC.
"Then again, the hell do I know? I told you that I'm not a doctor."
Can't say the same for you.
Now I REALLY want to find my badass mom.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kas6akz1jWU
That the translation team was British AND inexperienced?
Suck it, previously established series limits!
This is what happens when a Mimic manages to Thwack your entire party into nothingness.
"Like every other King ever. Nobody ever said he was a creative leader."
Damn it! That mountain man told me this jerky would mask the smell!
HOW FUCKING BIG IS THIS CASTLE!?
How crazy is this place that an angel goes unnoticed? Hopefully, all the crazy.
"I believe you. Andre, however..."
"Yo ah wanted ta travel da world, spitting mad rhymes like uh modern day poet."
Don't fuck with British nannies. I'm speaking from experience.
You may want to shorten that.
My wife. Don't get any ideas.
"Why isn't she bowing to ME!?"
News travels faster than people, apparently.
How? I don't remember ever having sex with her........Has Bianca been cheating on me?
Because you knew it'd be the end of this marriage, right?
Who in the world are YOU?
I'm gonna have a LOT of fun with this name.
Are you sure you want to put it like that?
Maybe ask the dancing penguins if they've seen it.
The Cave of Fairy Farts: a proud Granvanian landmark (that nobody's bothered maintaining).
A maxim realized by making you turn statues until they face each other.
It knows of our rocky marriage.
What the hell are THESE things?
FUCKING BASH ITS BRAINS IN.
"They don't have a good grasp on that there logic thing."
Recurring Dragon Quest villain (probably) and kinda racist hippo thing with glasses (probably).
Not that he needs it. His agility is through the roof.
"Papas, you magnificent bastard."
How long's she been pregnant for? Two months?
Ontological paradox ahoy!
"Yo But why did you bring uh pool o' mercury wif you? ain't dat gonna be bad fo' da kids?"
It's settled, then. We'll call him Numor.
"It was a one time mistake. You know she still loves you."
Don't know why I chose this. She gave birth to two gigantic children without her legs splitting.
If you're gonna fuck with a kid, best to do it from the beginning.
I am gender equal, after all.
"Yo If dis here wasn't uh stupidly Christian game, ah'd git uh divorce. Don' make me come ova there"
He says super sarcastically.
That's to be expected when you give birth to children the size of full grown poodles.
"Confusion and repetition spread throughout the kingdom."
I did it. I became a Triple King.
How? You didn't have any room to sleep.
"Well, we already did, didn't we?"
Like Paladin's Quest without all the suck.
"Kill them all. So sayeth the King."
Usually, you don't attach an exclamation mark to that.
"Ugh....what did we do today?....Screw it. Bianca has it coming."
"Maybe I went a little overboard with this."
Granvania: The Party Kingdom.
She was no the entire time.
Are we dealing with a serial date rapist? Poppin, I'm looking at you.
Oh my god! The Chancellor was Zero this whole time!
The way I play games, that's almost NEVER the case.
So the Chancellor's forced to play time travel sudoku and I'm apparently a vampire. What?
Actually, I think he's just following his heart.
Somehow, this only makes me feel worse about killing them in droves.
A face only a mother could hate. (Why do I feel like this isn't the last time I'll be saying that?)
And I didn't have to blow up any castles to see it.
Somehow, in this universe, clowns are MORE terrifying.
One of two monsters in the entire game to specify their level for no real reason.
Be glad there's no voice acting. Otherwise, this would've sounded all kinds of weird.
"The last five to drop by have been a little dry."
But what about FIRE spells?
You know, I'm not supposed to agree with the villain.
I can't place it, but there's just something about this pose that I love so much.
Bianca, now's not the time to be an absolute badass.
".....Well, this is all kinds of awkward."
Depression incoming in 3, 2...
"I've always preferred existential nightmares like this."
"Wait, how does ice work, again?"
Be glad that she's frozen in that position. Otherwise, you'd probably lose a lot of fingers.
"All hail King and Queen Baby!"
They just learned what those names mean.
"I say in front of the babies."
Apparently, I am worth as much as a pair of Killer Earrings.
I'm pretty sure it gets worse.
"Braaaaiiiiinnnnsssss....." "Look, honey! His first words!"
"I never thought she'd cheat on me with my infant son."
Before Cloud Strife was an eco-terrorist with identity issues, he was a farmer with a Cockney accent
And so the seasons change.
And yet the fountain remains unfrozen.
"Does that count, Gema?" "Not even close."
Did I father Cloud Strife (who apparently became a time traveler between jokes)? Fucking awesome!
Because who wants a cool status effect in battle and a staff to cure it?
Since when did he become Mario?
"Got you to thank for that one."
"................................................"
"You've inhereted your mother's gangster speech? You've done me proud, son."
"Two children are born, and the father abandons them both for eight years. A real laugh riot, right?
Ikutsuki was definitely involved in this game. As writer or translator, though, I cannot say.
Somehow. How much does that thing weigh?
"Could you get him to leave? He's been causing a lot of trouble 'fighting with love'."
"Finally. Something we can agree on."
"The pleasure's all yours."
"Can I talk with you in private for a sec, The King?"
"She insists on keeping us around. Something about looking sexier in comparison. I dunno."
"Swipe their wallet and hope they don't notice?" "That's ma boy!"
He just browsed the Terranigma image gallery.
"........................." "I take it I shouldn't have said that."
"Yea, that's right, DAD. Didn't you have children eight years ago?"
Uh, Henry, he's close enough to see that you're not wearing contacts.
"Seriously, what the hell's going on with that son of yours? It's like you weren't even there."
Maria: a shitty parent first, a shitty nun second.
"....Sancho? That fake queen? I don't follow, sweety." (Wait a minute, how would Maria know this?)
"I would've been put in jail if I wasn't the prince. Guess that slave camp was karmic justice."
It just struck me: how did he develop Bianca's mannerisms if she wasn't there to raise him?
"EXCEPT HOW TO RAISE A CHILD."
Collins might take issue with that.
Why not boost its already high defense even higher?
Why's he spacing it out like that? Has he been lighting up without us?
Bennett doesn't think much of us, does he?
Do I even need to add a caption? The joke just makes itself.
"Finally, something we can agree on." "You already said th-"
"I gotta say, I wasn't expecting your DAUGHTER to inherit this 'stache."
Is there a concept page for this kind of thing? I feel like there should be.
Shin Megami Tensei in a nutshell.
How? He doesn't have hands or the ability to speak.
"Are you high?" "Is this Dragon Quest V?"
Dragon Quest: Christianity if God was a fucking dragon.
How are you still in business?
End celestial segregation!
"You will be consumed by the fire, though."
It's just the same picture of Burt Reynolds repeated endlessly.
Just the funny psalms, which explains why there are only two pages.
"No one to tell us no, or where to go, or say we're only dreaming." "..............." "Oh, right."
Maybe I should hire security better than an old man's ghost.
Why not boost his high agility higher still?
"Just thought you'd want to know that."
After trudging through that labyrinthine hellhole, I can understand.
"Burn it all. Burn it to the Earth."
"I don't want to die first."
Nothing more menacing than a fat cat.
I'd say this is badass if his size didn't bump the textures down to PS1 levels.
Some men just want to watch the world burn. Others bring their kids.
"Seriously? This is what I'm dealing with?....Might as well make the best of it."
Of course he can't. That red nose is a dead giveaway.
"Fuck a white Christmas. I'm going for a red one."
"And sang the most beautiful aria your ears had ever heard."
You know you're fucked when he isn't even phased by giant freezing spikes on his genitals.
"Why do you think I live in this secluded area where law enforcement can't touch me?"
You can never get close to that fucking rock :(.
So Israel and Satan are a palette swap away? Way to get controversial, game.
No, but it is supposed to get you butt deep into a secluded sports shed.
"Speedy, sit this one out. I have a death wish for me and my kids."
HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE!?
Probably as a result of that 20 year cart ride.
Like the Phantom Train, except you don't die.
THIS IS SO GODDAMN AWESOME!
Excuse me. Just wrapping up my latest blog.
Now where are the words "Dragon Quest V"?
How does sepia tone even exist in a world where cameras don't?
I wanna say "Still ignoring what the game's telling me", but how does gangster become Victorian?
Still a fucking klepto, I see.
He looks more like the assassin, after all.
No. Don't make me live through this again.
It's like he knew he'd be in a 19th century sepia tone photo.
Damn, even Andre doesn't want to watch this again.
"Nothing is true; everything is permitted."
"That includes smashing this thing into nothingness."
"Was it made of glass?" ".....Fuck."
Insanity runs in the family. Loveless can't be too far behind.
I end up walking with a knife in the back of my knee for the rest of the game.
If only Bianca didn't disappear immediately after you were born. Maybe then you'd be a good gangster
In this case, it's The King.
Then what the hell are you?.......WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU!?
The creepiest fucking melodies imaginable.
MY SPELLS CAN DEFY SPACETIME ITSELF!
"And it's not something you should be proud of."
"A what?" "I don't know. An electric cake?" "What kind of cake?"
Can this end well? Probably not.
I don't buy it. What part of Heaven could contain anything like her?
"It was technically incest. Because it's a medieval game, you see."
"Because his father certainly hasn't."
Damn it. Why couldn't it be an actual wizard cat? Why must you crush my dreams, Enix?
"See anything you like? Hmmmmmm?"
"PUT IT ON, SON. MAKE YOUR DAD PROUD."
I wanted to show him throwing pots and say something stupid, but that didn't work out, did it?
"Did you hear about the spanking he received for sneaking out for several nights?"
And then burn it to the fucking ground.
That's all he can do: stare in disbelief.
"Don't bring your son on your adventures. Gonna save you a LOT of trouble."
So I've been playing as Jesus the whole time? Hell yes?
"Even when they're completely reasonable and eerily specific in detail."
"I don't normally believe in prophecies, but your feminine eyes tell me otherwise."
Apparently, my character is just oozing sexual appeal. Apparently.
"You're so very fucked, kid."
"Man, was THAT confusing as hell."
"In that cave to the north, where nobody will see us? I see no problems with that."
"Hope your past self is colorblind?"
"Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me."
Notice where everybody's looking.
"I can tell from this completely windowless room."
"Hahaahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa."
"All huddled up in fear, thinking that they'd somehow survive."
From their perspective, flying this thing amounts to standing on a giant SQUARE button. Imagine that
If Link was a kleptomaniac...even moreso than usual.
"Are you dyslexic?" ".......Can you keep a secret?"
Yes. That's what thunder looks like.
OK, so maybe that electricity joke a while back doesn't hold up in a world with rogue robot dragons.
Oh, right. Forgot about that.
On an eight year old girl. Remember that.
"You know, my daughter's still available."
I already have enough psychological issues. Don't need yet another one.
Sadly, this doesn't give me that kickass cape from long ago.
See? I have that shit equipped, but still have this drab purple affair.
Because people tend to SUPPRESS bad experiences.
"Why did I bother asking, again?"
FUCKING FINALLY. I think Nyx went down faster than this guy.
".....What?" "Shut up. It makes sense."
"My PSYCHOLOGIST told me that YELLING THINGS helps me to REMEMBER THEM."
Could've been badass, but just looks kinda stupid here.
"Loveless, are you abusing your levitation powers again?"
We got back just in time to see an angelic mugging. Huzzahs are in order.
I have obtained the ultimate power.
"Those twenty years on the cart have worked up my appetite."
"I felt like I was just going in circles over and over again."
Only so I can do a live reading of one of my blogs.
"And I shall rain heavenly fire upon your foes."
Turns out to be even better. (Wait, isn't this the third flying vehicle I've gotten in this game?)
Like Rocky with more cults.
Forgot a couple of S's there, Guard Who is Apparently Part Snake.
When you see something like this, you just HAVE to capture it for future generations.
How many other developers would put the armor you're about to get in the battle background?
"I AM THE DRAGON QUEST!" "You mean Dragon WARRIOR?" "....I guess?"
".................You disappoint me, son."
Maybe post some guards outside, too. I don't even remember any random encounters out there.
"Funny. That's the same as my mom's."
I'd make a Star Wars joke if that didn't end up being exactly the case.
Can't think of a genuine compliment, can you?
"Yea, he was a badass warrior king, but what else did he have going for him? Jack shit; that's what.
It's bound to be long and boring and all other kinds of things.
I think this is actually necessary to proceed. Doesn't stop her from cursing me.
He doesn't have a good memory, does he?
Go back to the last screenshot so you can appreciate how poorly hidden this thing was.
"Man, this takes me back. All those whippings and nightmares...Those were...those...the d..."
Fuck respecting the dead; just think of all the juicy gossip that lies within!
Now I know why they wouldn't let me marry Maria.
"If I had another, it would be to not die." (And why's he stuttering? He WROTE THIS DOWN.)
AFTER ALL THIS TIME, that Prayer Ring FINALLY breaks down.
"That old fairy angel whatever guy ain't got shit on me!"
The wagon that Master Dragon agreed to carry on his back.
"And sentient puddle of mercury! (Is that what that thing is?)"
Kinda wish I had a robot party member so that previous joke actually made sense.
"Turns out that previous fight was completely meaningless."
"There are children here, for Mildarth's sake!....(Meet me later behind the dumpster.)"
"On second thought, alligator men aren't really my type. They just don't listen to 'no teeth'."
That's Dragon Quest for you!
"You're looking uncomfortable. Don't you want to slip out of those robes and into mine?"
Oh, and I guess a ring starts floating down from the ceiling.
Thermodynamics can go to Hell. (Guess where we're going next?)
The meds are helping with that.
"Don't ask how. Just trust me: I know my shit."
That thing in the back is sneezing on my wife, isn't it?
Or maybe just coughing. Hard to tell, really.
That's just what she says whenever she wakes up.
"Last tyme ah challenge an entire bar ta uh drinking contest all ye damn hood ratz."
"Who would've thought? Certainly not you, dumbass."
Time flies when you're grinding like crazy. (Or at least I wish it did.)
"Wait, why be ah da one sayin` dis here? Shouldn't it be one o' da kids?"
"At least ONE OF YOU remembered us."
"Why did you give us such horrible names?" (Take note of the typo. Who WOULDN'T want Bianca mom?)
"Would you mind changing your name or something? It's needlessly confusing."
"You were screaming about it in your sleep. Woke up the entire castle."
Bianca: ready for absolutely anything. Was there ever any doubt?
Most people say LOVE, Bianca.
You think he'd have figured that out by now.
This is too late for you to just be learning these things, Loveless.
"That's because they refuse to speak to me."
"After a while, you just get used to the stench of vomit and corpses." "Tell me about it."
You could've just said "booze" and gotten the same result.
But she does serve children, apparently.
This was my first battle after bringing her back from the dead. Her first instinct? Wreck some shit.
By the end of this battle, that guy on the right looks worse than the guys on the left. FAR worse.
All that's left is Cortana freaking the hell out.
"And beaned him straight in the skull."
Fantasy as....not quite fuck. Maybe just fantasy, really.
You know how most RPGs have NPCs that say "Welcome to [TOWN NAME]"? Well, Dragon Quest V has this.
400 gold!? There better be a jacuzzi in my room for that price, lady.
But what about Ice spells?
So when did I enter the first season of Digimon?
"In the Room of Moral Ambiguity, tucked away in the Maliciousness Wing."
It's even stranger than any joke I could make about it.
Told you. And no, it isn't a haiku (or if it is, it's definitely a translated version).
The strange thing here is that the Inn part is a still image rather than models and stuff.
"Did you have to steal the chest, too?" "Of course! Where else am I supposed to store all my crap?"
The hood's designed like that to hide his shame. His horrible, sweaty shame.
Hooray! Now I can go and revive Bianca several updates ago!
Museums will do that to a kid.
At first, I was going to point out the shitty sky texture.
I see the flare; I don't see the dragon.
Well, you can fuck about with the camera on those stairs to get it back to what is should be.
Prepare to rip your arms in two, Snake Guy.
You know you're awesome when God provides a spotlight for your introduction.
"I'm, like, level 35." "Seriously? How did you even make it this far?"
OH, COME ON. I spent 20 hours searching for you, Martha. Why do you have to end it all in 5 minutes?
Jazz hands count as praying, right?
"Thought you couldn't hate my character more?"
"That line probably would've made more sense eight years ago, now that I think about it."
Again, he takes forever. This turns out to be a recurring theme among these end-game bosses.
Well, at least he gets a kickass death animation.
NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO TOKE UP, MOTHER.
"I guess that runs in the family. Isn't that right, dad?"
"I've got enough explosives to nuke a small country."
That's right. She's still gonna die :(.
"...killing me instead of him. Let him live with the agony."
"(This is some really good shit.)"
"Stop disappearing for his entire life and forcing him to chase after you."
"You will never have a moment of peace for the rest of your life."
As opposed to all the other swords you've seen.
"I told you: always watching over you. Always."
Finally, I can complete the ensemble.
Kamikaze by what? Master Dragon? Magic carpet?
"Honey, we've been here for two hours. When are we going to leave?" "In a minute. I just......j....u
Sadly, I am not sexy enough for it.
It's beginning to look a lot like Earthbound.
"Man, this place has some really weird gang problems."
It's not a cloak or anything. You just gain the ability to shrug in battle.
YOU KNOW IT. NOW GIMME THAT EXP.
Those statues in the back track your position throughout this hall. It's all kinds of creepy.
".....You thinking about putting that back anytime soon?"
It'll go great with my adamantium skeleton.
Rifling through this man's personal belongings is off limits.
It only gets more badass from here, folks.
I wasn't even aware there was an identity issue going on here.
Let's beat the shit out of Jesus!
"...in this economy, it's tough to make ends meet."
I will never mature enough to stop pointing out typos.
Enix: Our Games End With You Beating Up Piccolo Christ.
I should mention that this guy never changes position in any of these story scenes. It's off-putting
"No, seriously, I'm gonna need you to die, though."
OK, which one of you stole Mildarth from my screenshots?
This is what we're fighting. Kinda dumb, but I'll t-
OK, scratch that. THIS is what we're fighting.
FUCKING PICK SOMETHING ALREADY.
That tail's gonna sprout nine other tails, isn't it?
Not as menacing with the tongue sticking out, is it?
What oddly specific numbers.
But enough about marriage. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CdVTCDdEwI
"(Plain bitch.)" "What was that?" "Nothing. Nothing at all."
"Say, whatever DID happen to that Mildarth fellow?" "........Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit...."
If only medieval art was this badass.
"I also work as a disco ball, somehow. I told you how tough it is out there, right?"
"That doesn't include the demon realm. I'm honestly clueless as to how you even got here."
Sexist dragon dick. (Is coincidentally the name of this underground porno I'm making.)
I can imagine what The King has sacrificed, somewhat, but for everybody else, I'm kind of at a loss.
"How about we get rid of these sentries and just go wild?" "Come on, man! My kids are right here!"
Twaddle? Gotta remember to use that word.
"Oh, honey, it wasn't that much of a shock. We both know Collins won't really amount to anything."
"Nahh, it's perfectly fine. Ah lost count uh while ago, too in the hood."
"Honey, have you been drinking again? I told you that we were having company!"
There are some really lax nuns in this universe, aren't there?
HOLD UP A SECOND. What happened to this place being burned to the ground?
Just look at how ecstatic this fucker is.
Watching his McLudman's empire collapse into the dust.
You're right that you better not. I've already had enough Debora talk to deal with.
What astute powers of observation.
"I needed an excuse to lie down, anyway."
"Spousal abuse is hilarious, especially when it's happening to my daughter."
Because I don't have enough already.
I love how casual religion is in this universe. Just full of laughing priests and lustful nuns.
"I asked him to change your name because holy shit, this is confusing."
"And who are you, again?"
"This is a weird kingdom we rule over." "It sure is."
Master Dragon became a human once again just to get his groove on.
No idea who those other two people are.
"We bestow upon thee the ability to create Mildarth, the ultimate form of the Judgment Arcana."
"OUR children? How many men did you fuck behind my back?"
"Now why couldn't WE dance in our throne room like that?"
Who left the fucking window open?
When they raise their hands, the women just spin in place. The Dance of Granvania.
"That's what we call foreshadowing....sort of."
This would be a phone number if not for the medieval universe.
"But dolls don't have that down there."
Remember when your dad escaped to some cave and died right before your eyes? What sweet memories.
Remember how that didn't open the door? Well, I have no problems telling the same joke twice.
"The only happy day of our marriage. Right, Bianca?"
She then spends the night crying into her pillow and breaking everything in sight.
"But you only compose the m-" "I WANT FULL OWNERSHIP."
"Look, you didn't even write anything new for this. It was only arran-" "I'LL SUE THE ASS OFF YOU!"
When people say not to drink during a pregnancy, they mean it for both parents.
The hell is sugoroku? Anybody have a clue what that means?
You know how monsters in video games carry money on them for no explicable reason? Well, here, it's
Can somebody remind me why I married the other girl in my previous playthroughs?
"Yo wut dis here 'for' word supposed ta mean?"
I think that's the reason WHY he hasn't returned.
Kush Quest V: Herb of the Heavenly Bride.
I can't tell if this monster design is lazy or scary. Sclarzy?
All he needs is a top hat.
"We are here to pray for the loss of Mario."
"Dat don' sound weird, right?"
I think you're premature on the angle launch, game.
"EVEN THOUGH I'M HOLDING THE SWORD DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF MY FACE."
"Wait uh second. Ain't dis here da exact opposite o' what we's be trying ta do?"
Oh, that's right. I didn't trust her around the kids.
Bianca's been going through our shit, hasn't she?
"Why are you collecting this tea set? Who gives a shit?"
And here's our first boss battle. Not too difficult if you're at the right level.
"We saw all the weed addicts and just assumed the best."
"Learned this one from Michael Jackson."
"Yo fuq da lessons dis here game iz trying ta teach us!" (I think I'm starting to understand this.)
Didn't this exact same thing happen midway through Illusion of Gaia? What is it with Enix games?
It might as well be an Assassin's Creed game.
"Papas felt like a real dumbass when he heard."
Because all the other names she offered suck.
"Yo Who needs underwear? don't make me shank ya!" (Or maybe not.)
Certainly explains why he doesn't sell any decent weapons.
I think Andre's the only one in this screenshot who isn't high. And even that's dubious.
Couldn't afford the A, I see.
"You're fired. Like, immediately."
Her name is Bella, asshole.
Have fun sleeping tonight.
"The kid's been messing around with meth. You know what that does to a guy?"
Could've just included a story event where he learns how to read, but this works, too.
"Gay people aren't real, silly boy!"
This is the only spot in town that switches to this angle. No, I don't know why.
"I don't know how to use underwear. Better put it on this feral cat instead." (Also, leather briefs?
The translators seem to have forgotten that this is a game for kids.
"And scrub these damn floors."
So she basically imagined it all? Lazy ass.
The only evidence of the Fairy World.
"And I am the one known as Google, who translates rather literally."
"Could you stop clipping on my back, son? It's putting some stress on the programming."
"You mind if the kid watches?" "That's my son." ".........So that's a no?"
Do people actually laugh like that?
Take a drink every time you hear this phrase. You'll be plastered before you leave the castle.
I'm gonna have to go meet with a marriage councilor after this, aren't I?
"Upon hitting the ground, it became all kinds of macculate."
Drink up. You're going to be seeing this quite a bit. (Or at least I am.)
"........Was that supposed to open the door for us?"
I was trying to capture Papas slapping the shit out of Henry.
"Stop using that word or the boy gets it!"
That's just what he calls his junk.
Emotionally heavy moment in 3, 2...
It's much harder to watch in motion.
"Let's all give a round of applause for Papas!"
"......What do we do now?"
Now we know where Yukari gets it.
Hopefully, I get to use this spell at some point in the game.
That's how I want to go: hugging a giant fireball of death.
"How 'bout we celebrate with some freshly squeezed..."
Andre even cries for his companions in this scene. Let's hope it doesn't get any MORE depressing.
"You'd think ten years of that would put an end to such nightmares. Guess not."
Did their characters do a complete 180 when I wasn't looking?
Presumably BECAUSE she was a true believer.
You, sir, are not Bianca, and will never be Bianca.
"Oh no! A common occurrence for us slaves!"
What a cheery face for such a horrible act.
Well, that explains the....just about everything, really.
"I sure am chipper about this whole 'enslavement' thing, huh?"
How many times would you have to go to prison to refer to prison as a holiday?
"Excuse me....I just have to say goodbye to our cell."
And that guy over there is named Gideon, because this game is Christian as fuck.
"For one, you have unique character models."
Geez, game, could you possibly be more morose?
"He then tripped into the water and drowned, realizing what a shit poor idea this was."
"Can somebody get this damn light out of my eyes? It's making it real hard to sleep."
"And to Sister Agitha for doing her hair and clothes."
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. (Damn the English language and its strange vowel choices for ruining that joke!
Out of one cult and into another.
How kind of the slave masters not to fuck with my money over those ten arduous years.
"I sneak out of this boring dump when the nuns aren't watching and spend the night getting lit up."
"And for your brother and all your friends to be left behind?" "......God works in mysterious ways."
Really REALLY pleased, if you catch my drift.
Not that you can do much about it now.
You've only personally known her for a few days. Move on with your life, Henry.
"About. 16, 18, close enough, right?"
If they're perfectly fine with mid-day underage drinking, just IMAGINE what goes on here at night.
This has to be his business plan: depress anybody who walks in and then charge them out the ass.
Slavery does strange things to a man.
Because that worked so well when Papas tried it out a couple of updates ago.
Anything about clothes, Mr. Monster?
And they taught you how to read, too! Those were some really kind slavemasters you worked under.
Too close for comfort, there, horse.
They weren't just carrying it.
If you can think of a better analogy for the death of childhood, you must lead a sad life.
So that fairy kingdom was a racket. Toward what end, I'm not sure. I'm guessing organ harvesting.
"It's all because that b-" "I've been a slave for ten years, but I doubt it's as bad as your words."
It's a lot better in motion, which makes me question why I take such screenshots in the first place.
KICK ITS ASS INTO OBLIVION.
The best part? It does a little Thriller dance when you confirm. So, of course, I did.
What follows is a lurid description of sexual acts so heinous that I can't post them to the forums.
I told you they were heinous.
You don't want to know what the present is. It's kind of...desperate.
Guess what the closer's going to be?
It's the face in the back that makes it.
When was this? All I remember is him just hanging out in a mine for five minutes before dying.
I can't tell if that's an accent or an actual word.
"It's been ten years, King. Get over it."
Are there even words to describe it? (Besides "soft, grape-scented pillow", obviously.)
And just like that, we've come full circle to a sex joke.
"And how did I know you're flaccid?"
The Mona Lisa, Citizen Kane, Frogs in the Bed.
Because he's the cheapest bastard in the world.
We get it: not everybody likes Tropes vs. Women. Can't we discuss this in a civilized manner?
"Maybe you should re-evaluate your life if corpses are an everyday occurrence."
This happened, like, nine times before he finally got the hint.
The helmet did nothing to hide its tears.
You know, the ordinary guard dragon every castle has.
The translation team all happened to be from Britain?
".....What the fuck does that mean? Is the mafia blackmailing me or something?"
Where books are normally kept.
"The King learned all kinds of personal secrets about Henry."
"It gave me a permanent case of dyscalculia. I had to invent my own calendar system to compensate."
That's just how she greets people.
You're not a very good nun, are you?
For what? It was your brother who saved you; they just kicked slavemaster ass.
If you thought they looked bad in Persona...
HE'S FIGHTING WITH LOVE, YOU GUYS.
"Probably has something to do with you ripping it off a dead body."
"Where's your god now, Maria?"
They're doing the Gene Simmons tongue flick thing all throughout.
"Check back Thursdays on the General Discussion board!"
"I have quite a few spacely ideas, but where would we get a telescope at this hour?"
Also, Dale looks like something out of an early Shining Force game.
"You tell her this and watch her break down into tears."
"You still can't tell which is the real queen."
"Five minutes on my own, and already I'm engulfed in a war. That's got to be some type of record!"
Wait, were they pulling pranks during their slave days? AND I DIDN'T GET TO SEE THIS!?
I'm not even sure if that's a British thing.
I tried going to the church for some help, but it was too late.
Doesn't graffiti usually go on the OUTSIDE of a building?
And then the title card pops up out of nowhere.
"wE do NOt knOw hOW To usE CapITAl lETtERs."
This game was released long after Lords of the Rings, just so you know.
Well, no wonder I keep missing.
WHERE IS THE BIANCA I KNOW AND LOVE!?
For a brief second, it looked as though he was wearing the coolest set of shades.
When did this become Glory of Heracles?
What? The taste of flesh?
Oh, yea. It's a Fire Emblem, alright.
Have you seen this game? I don't God's leaving anytime soon.
The Latin Mysteries of a Chamber Pot.
This is the first draft of the Ten Commandments.
I don't swing that way. Andre might.
"Not much, though. I'm still trapped at the bottom of a well."
Do I even need to say anything? The joke makes itself.
"The cops would see your ass, otherwise."
Smoked the hell out of it and watched the sunrise.
Wait, how do you get a meth lab explosion from marijuana?
"Dude....we need more zoomoon."
Come on. Who hasn't walked around the house in their underwear? Even if it wasn't your house?
Well, that explains what happens in a bit.
"They just sit in this room for hours on end. No talking. Just sitting. For hours on end."
Presumably, the women were just sitting around like Maria up there.
Not at all. I don't even see a ring.
...they had to justify what's coming up next in the narrative.
I wanted to make a condom joke, but then realized the myriad ways it wouldn't make any damn sense.
"Carved on the inside of this treasure chest. Learned that one from our prison days."
When? All I remember is playing hide 'n seek before a kidnapping.
"PS: Want that badge? Eat my ass."
And now you know where I get the music from.
"Wouldn't YOU like to see it?"
This may look like me getting a gander of some cat anus, but there is purpose to this screenshot.
"IT MUST DIE FOR ITS CRIMES!"
What a strange name for a dog. Or anything outside the most esoteric Victorian literature.
"The one game with a dog hero, and it had to be a nightmare. *awoon*"
"She just bites the hell out of anybody else. Kind of a surprise she hasn't been put down, really."
It's the angle that makes it.
So I literally collected their anniversary? Am I a Time Lord?
That's right: no playing this music box. Decoration only.
Seems biting random strangers runs in the family. (Which I guess means Flora is half dog.)
Anybody want to Photoshop The Princess Bride into this?
OK, turns out it wasn't sexual. This is just how she socializes.
"...other than 'you're so fucked'. And not in the way you're probably hoping."
"Tell me, how strong is your stomach lining?"
Just outside his actual house. I wish I was kidding.
Prepare for a lifetime of suffering, little kid.
Did I comment on how "Lancer Army" is a singular enemy name? Or how unsettling Rockbomb is sleeping?
I'm pretty sure Japanese has a word for "pterodactyl".
FUCK THESE GUYS. They can wipe out half your HP with a hit-all move.
Wait, is that an arch? And a bridge? How was any of that built into goddamn lava?
It wouldn't be a Dragon Quest game without some metal murder.
Lord of the Rings reference in 3, 2...
She has life figured out.
"So most of the time, I just split the difference with abject rage."
His companions, however, are still quite near death.
Is the game calling me a hobo?....Well played, Dragon Quest V.
"I know how it is. Why do you think I had that fridge full of cups of urine?"
"I'm good at logic like that."
"Nobody's gonna look over here, right?" - The guy in charge of the graphics.
"I'm too old for jail. They'll eat me alive!"
This goes on for several hours.
Still shorter than you, though. Somehow.
I think that's his only line of dialogue in the entire game.
"Yo Remember me? an don't make me pull mah gat!"
About slavery and how her accent was slowly fading.
Of course not. Have you seen the size of that bed?
"Yo muh motha fuckin laugh motha fuckin sucks, don' it? what the fuck sup now?"
"Yo When we's'd wander around haunted mansions an' git trapped in dark coffins."
Holy shit! Bianca's fucking badass! Why haven't I married her before?
"Yo In retrospect, dat wuz uh bad idea slap mah fro!" "....What?"
Maybe it has something to do with jumping out of a boat to open a watergate?
A lot of people don't command others to remember things. Then again, a lot of people aren't Bianca.
OH DEAR FUCK, WHAT IS THAT FUCKING THING!?
I don't think you know what "landscape" means.
Shouldn't I be saying that? http://youtu.be/WZ7NrApups8
You mean Andre? Yea, he's like that.
Turns out to be a load-bearing ring.
"You watched a grown man burst into tears in public."
I don't want anybody seeing me naked, unless I happen to be wet, too.
"You mean the in-your-face girl everybody's talking about? No idea."
No, people ask that all the time when they meet friends of their friends.
Didn't stop me from doing it twice before.
"I thought you were past bringing dead birds into the house!"
That's the default option, because apparently, I'm a fucking dumbass.
Still having trouble with those night terrors.
"No escaping the story, ol' boy."
"Yo Shortly afta you left, ah decided ta live in da wild, like Andre."
Not the best angle for this screenshot.
"You have confirmed this after several hours of observation."
You're an interesting angle.
Pronouns. They will be the end of me.
"I'm gonna wing it. What's the worst that could happen?"
I think we all know who I'm choosing.
God's attending this? You pulled out all the stops, didn't you, Ludman?
When did my eyes suddenly get so Clannad?
"Wrong game, guy." (Wait, why are the beds facing the wall? Do people actually sleep like that?)
Like I even had a choice.
Didn't we all? Especially since Debora wasn't introduced until the DS version?
"Don't tell my wife, though."
Come to think of it, that IS a very good question.
Now why does this seem familiar?
Hey! That is NOT how we refer to women, Dragon Quest V!
You mean you've been having trouble resting throughout the game? Could've fooled me.
Response graffiti: "Nobody cares."
Finally, I'll be the prettiest King in all the land.
It suddenly got pretty Dragon Ball in here.
Sorry. No Battle Bride Bianca.
"We're still having a doctor examine it. Isn't that right, Henry?"
With Bianca by my side? Never!
Why not go the Soul Blazer route and just eliminate the no altogether?
"Man, was THAT awkward as hell."
Huh? Where was he? I don't remember seeing him in the congregation.
This is the best wedding ever.
And YOU fucked up the pronunciation. Maybe I was premature with the previous declaration.
Who's saying that, again? All the other lines were from actual characters in the story.
How has his life gotten this low?
Those puppy dog eyes + that aggressive posture = absolutely nothing wrong with this screenshot.
"Yo ah'm supposed ta sound like some kind o' awful stereotype or somethin`!"
Your lives will be incredibly short because of it.
Joined what? We will never know.
Somebody's planting something on us, aren't they? It's all a set-up. LUDMAN, YOU BASTARD!
"All of your belongings are now covered in frosting because Ludman never bothered wrapping them."
You know, wedding cupcakes. Cupcakes you make for a wedding. And then collect instead of eat.
Somebody get the stomach pump. AGAIN.
Wait, I thought I was a pothead hobo or something. When did I become a hippie?
And when did they become reverse werewolves?
"Specifically, that one following your girlfriend."
A hero, a gangster, and a mountain lion walk into a bar and get paid a lot of money.
Now we know why he was turning water into wine.
*sigh* I thought I left this behind with Persona 3.
Uh, guys, I think you forgot to translate this text.
Andre hates sequence breaking.
"Yo Excuse me, didn't you just git married da other day? what the fuck sup now?"
"Yo beotch, don' act like ah'm not here ya'll is mad stupid."
She says in the most bitter tone imaginable.
"We get it! Eternal darkness and misery. GOD!"
Is it better than Sir The King? YOU decide!
Because it was such a great time in Dragon Quest VI.
Good thing Bianca's dead in this shot. I'm sure this is the straw that breaks the camel's back.
There's not enough wood on that sign to build a boat. Good luck, stranded peoples!
Security's gone downhill for this place, hasn't it?
"And that over there is my partner, Mr. Skoopz."
What's more confusing: the sudden Cockney accent or anything else about this?
What are those things floating down the river?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj0F2KfCvhg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj0F2KfCvhg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj0F2KfCvhg http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj0F2KfCvhg
"Like that guy you were just talking to."
Just in case you doubted the nationality of the fan translators.
Is this even remotely close to how vegetables are pickled? I'm out of my league on this one.
But how else will I clean this dirty branch?
Apparently, dirty museum items are A-OK with me. Apparently.
Sadly, no choosing the music for yourself.
"Metalshop quartet. Who knew that was even possible?"
Would your last name happen to be Oohashi?
OK, how does that even remotely work?
BURN IT BEFORE IT KILLS US ALL!
"So am I the only one who can see this damn ghost?"
For instance, I'm into cupcakes and sand.
I'd open it, but he's right there.
Plus the game won't let me.
I don't remember hiring her, so I can only assume she was interviewed by a ghost.
It seems to be coming true.
I don't know why. They're incredibly easy to find. I have my museum stacked with the fuckers.
Didn't he go to his home village just outside a bustling town?
She then pukes her guts out at all the horrible things lying in my heart.
"Son, it's time I told you something..."
My Dad The Vampire. Coming this summer to Disney Channel.
If only this applied to Dragon Quest V as a whole.
Where to begin? The shithead mountain hobo or the inbred axolotl?
Only good things can come of this.
ONLY GOOD THINGS CAN COME OF THIS.
What did you think my answer would be?
Says....that mustache to the right? That lady in the back? I don't know where to fire my jokes.
"Yo Who's dis here beotch ta page me ugly, anyway? At least ah gots uh boy toy , wOrd!"
Eventually, all must bow before Generic NPC.
"Then again, the hell do I know? I told you that I'm not a doctor."
Can't say the same for you.
Now I REALLY want to find my badass mom.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kas6akz1jWU
That the translation team was British AND inexperienced?
Suck it, previously established series limits!
This is what happens when a Mimic manages to Thwack your entire party into nothingness.
"Like every other King ever. Nobody ever said he was a creative leader."
Damn it! That mountain man told me this jerky would mask the smell!
HOW FUCKING BIG IS THIS CASTLE!?
How crazy is this place that an angel goes unnoticed? Hopefully, all the crazy.
"I believe you. Andre, however..."
"Yo ah wanted ta travel da world, spitting mad rhymes like uh modern day poet."
Don't fuck with British nannies. I'm speaking from experience.
You may want to shorten that.
My wife. Don't get any ideas.
"Why isn't she bowing to ME!?"
News travels faster than people, apparently.
How? I don't remember ever having sex with her........Has Bianca been cheating on me?
Because you knew it'd be the end of this marriage, right?
Who in the world are YOU?
I'm gonna have a LOT of fun with this name.
Are you sure you want to put it like that?
Maybe ask the dancing penguins if they've seen it.
The Cave of Fairy Farts: a proud Granvanian landmark (that nobody's bothered maintaining).
A maxim realized by making you turn statues until they face each other.
It knows of our rocky marriage.
What the hell are THESE things?
FUCKING BASH ITS BRAINS IN.
"They don't have a good grasp on that there logic thing."
Recurring Dragon Quest villain (probably) and kinda racist hippo thing with glasses (probably).
Not that he needs it. His agility is through the roof.
"Papas, you magnificent bastard."
How long's she been pregnant for? Two months?
Ontological paradox ahoy!
"Yo But why did you bring uh pool o' mercury wif you? ain't dat gonna be bad fo' da kids?"
It's settled, then. We'll call him Numor.
"It was a one time mistake. You know she still loves you."
Don't know why I chose this. She gave birth to two gigantic children without her legs splitting.
If you're gonna fuck with a kid, best to do it from the beginning.
I am gender equal, after all.
"Yo If dis here wasn't uh stupidly Christian game, ah'd git uh divorce. Don' make me come ova there"
He says super sarcastically.
That's to be expected when you give birth to children the size of full grown poodles.
"Confusion and repetition spread throughout the kingdom."
I did it. I became a Triple King.
How? You didn't have any room to sleep.
"Well, we already did, didn't we?"
Like Paladin's Quest without all the suck.
"Kill them all. So sayeth the King."
Usually, you don't attach an exclamation mark to that.
"Ugh....what did we do today?....Screw it. Bianca has it coming."
"Maybe I went a little overboard with this."
Granvania: The Party Kingdom.
She was no the entire time.
Are we dealing with a serial date rapist? Poppin, I'm looking at you.
Oh my god! The Chancellor was Zero this whole time!
The way I play games, that's almost NEVER the case.
So the Chancellor's forced to play time travel sudoku and I'm apparently a vampire. What?
Actually, I think he's just following his heart.
Somehow, this only makes me feel worse about killing them in droves.
A face only a mother could hate. (Why do I feel like this isn't the last time I'll be saying that?)
And I didn't have to blow up any castles to see it.
Somehow, in this universe, clowns are MORE terrifying.
One of two monsters in the entire game to specify their level for no real reason.
Be glad there's no voice acting. Otherwise, this would've sounded all kinds of weird.
"The last five to drop by have been a little dry."
But what about FIRE spells?
You know, I'm not supposed to agree with the villain.
I can't place it, but there's just something about this pose that I love so much.
Bianca, now's not the time to be an absolute badass.
".....Well, this is all kinds of awkward."
Depression incoming in 3, 2...
"I've always preferred existential nightmares like this."
"Wait, how does ice work, again?"
Be glad that she's frozen in that position. Otherwise, you'd probably lose a lot of fingers.
"All hail King and Queen Baby!"
They just learned what those names mean.
"I say in front of the babies."
Apparently, I am worth as much as a pair of Killer Earrings.
I'm pretty sure it gets worse.
"Braaaaiiiiinnnnsssss....." "Look, honey! His first words!"
"I never thought she'd cheat on me with my infant son."
Before Cloud Strife was an eco-terrorist with identity issues, he was a farmer with a Cockney accent
And so the seasons change.
And yet the fountain remains unfrozen.
"Does that count, Gema?" "Not even close."
Did I father Cloud Strife (who apparently became a time traveler between jokes)? Fucking awesome!
Because who wants a cool status effect in battle and a staff to cure it?
Since when did he become Mario?
"Got you to thank for that one."
"................................................"
"You've inhereted your mother's gangster speech? You've done me proud, son."
"Two children are born, and the father abandons them both for eight years. A real laugh riot, right?
Ikutsuki was definitely involved in this game. As writer or translator, though, I cannot say.
Somehow. How much does that thing weigh?
"Could you get him to leave? He's been causing a lot of trouble 'fighting with love'."
"Finally. Something we can agree on."
"The pleasure's all yours."
"Can I talk with you in private for a sec, The King?"
"She insists on keeping us around. Something about looking sexier in comparison. I dunno."
"Swipe their wallet and hope they don't notice?" "That's ma boy!"
He just browsed the Terranigma image gallery.
"........................." "I take it I shouldn't have said that."
"Yea, that's right, DAD. Didn't you have children eight years ago?"
Uh, Henry, he's close enough to see that you're not wearing contacts.
"Seriously, what the hell's going on with that son of yours? It's like you weren't even there."
Maria: a shitty parent first, a shitty nun second.
"....Sancho? That fake queen? I don't follow, sweety." (Wait a minute, how would Maria know this?)
"I would've been put in jail if I wasn't the prince. Guess that slave camp was karmic justice."
It just struck me: how did he develop Bianca's mannerisms if she wasn't there to raise him?
"EXCEPT HOW TO RAISE A CHILD."
Collins might take issue with that.
Why not boost its already high defense even higher?
Why's he spacing it out like that? Has he been lighting up without us?
Bennett doesn't think much of us, does he?
Do I even need to add a caption? The joke just makes itself.
"Finally, something we can agree on." "You already said th-"
"I gotta say, I wasn't expecting your DAUGHTER to inherit this 'stache."
Is there a concept page for this kind of thing? I feel like there should be.
Shin Megami Tensei in a nutshell.
How? He doesn't have hands or the ability to speak.
"Are you high?" "Is this Dragon Quest V?"
Dragon Quest: Christianity if God was a fucking dragon.
How are you still in business?
End celestial segregation!
"You will be consumed by the fire, though."
It's just the same picture of Burt Reynolds repeated endlessly.
Just the funny psalms, which explains why there are only two pages.
"No one to tell us no, or where to go, or say we're only dreaming." "..............." "Oh, right."
Maybe I should hire security better than an old man's ghost.
Why not boost his high agility higher still?
"Just thought you'd want to know that."
After trudging through that labyrinthine hellhole, I can understand.
"Burn it all. Burn it to the Earth."
"I don't want to die first."
Nothing more menacing than a fat cat.
I'd say this is badass if his size didn't bump the textures down to PS1 levels.
Some men just want to watch the world burn. Others bring their kids.
"Seriously? This is what I'm dealing with?....Might as well make the best of it."
Of course he can't. That red nose is a dead giveaway.
"Fuck a white Christmas. I'm going for a red one."
"And sang the most beautiful aria your ears had ever heard."
You know you're fucked when he isn't even phased by giant freezing spikes on his genitals.
"Why do you think I live in this secluded area where law enforcement can't touch me?"
You can never get close to that fucking rock :(.
So Israel and Satan are a palette swap away? Way to get controversial, game.
No, but it is supposed to get you butt deep into a secluded sports shed.
"Speedy, sit this one out. I have a death wish for me and my kids."
HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE!?
Probably as a result of that 20 year cart ride.
Like the Phantom Train, except you don't die.
THIS IS SO GODDAMN AWESOME!
Excuse me. Just wrapping up my latest blog.
Now where are the words "Dragon Quest V"?
How does sepia tone even exist in a world where cameras don't?
I wanna say "Still ignoring what the game's telling me", but how does gangster become Victorian?
Still a fucking klepto, I see.
He looks more like the assassin, after all.
No. Don't make me live through this again.
It's like he knew he'd be in a 19th century sepia tone photo.
Damn, even Andre doesn't want to watch this again.
"Nothing is true; everything is permitted."
"That includes smashing this thing into nothingness."
"Was it made of glass?" ".....Fuck."
Insanity runs in the family. Loveless can't be too far behind.
I end up walking with a knife in the back of my knee for the rest of the game.
If only Bianca didn't disappear immediately after you were born. Maybe then you'd be a good gangster
In this case, it's The King.
Then what the hell are you?.......WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU!?
The creepiest fucking melodies imaginable.
MY SPELLS CAN DEFY SPACETIME ITSELF!
"And it's not something you should be proud of."
"A what?" "I don't know. An electric cake?" "What kind of cake?"
Can this end well? Probably not.
I don't buy it. What part of Heaven could contain anything like her?
"It was technically incest. Because it's a medieval game, you see."
"Because his father certainly hasn't."
Damn it. Why couldn't it be an actual wizard cat? Why must you crush my dreams, Enix?
"See anything you like? Hmmmmmm?"
"PUT IT ON, SON. MAKE YOUR DAD PROUD."
I wanted to show him throwing pots and say something stupid, but that didn't work out, did it?
"Did you hear about the spanking he received for sneaking out for several nights?"
And then burn it to the fucking ground.
That's all he can do: stare in disbelief.
"Don't bring your son on your adventures. Gonna save you a LOT of trouble."
So I've been playing as Jesus the whole time? Hell yes?
"Even when they're completely reasonable and eerily specific in detail."
"I don't normally believe in prophecies, but your feminine eyes tell me otherwise."
Apparently, my character is just oozing sexual appeal. Apparently.
"You're so very fucked, kid."
"Man, was THAT confusing as hell."
"In that cave to the north, where nobody will see us? I see no problems with that."
"Hope your past self is colorblind?"
"Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me."
Notice where everybody's looking.
"I can tell from this completely windowless room."
"Hahaahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa."
"All huddled up in fear, thinking that they'd somehow survive."
From their perspective, flying this thing amounts to standing on a giant SQUARE button. Imagine that
If Link was a kleptomaniac...even moreso than usual.
"Are you dyslexic?" ".......Can you keep a secret?"
Yes. That's what thunder looks like.
OK, so maybe that electricity joke a while back doesn't hold up in a world with rogue robot dragons.
Oh, right. Forgot about that.
On an eight year old girl. Remember that.
"You know, my daughter's still available."
I already have enough psychological issues. Don't need yet another one.
Sadly, this doesn't give me that kickass cape from long ago.
See? I have that shit equipped, but still have this drab purple affair.
Because people tend to SUPPRESS bad experiences.
"Why did I bother asking, again?"
FUCKING FINALLY. I think Nyx went down faster than this guy.
".....What?" "Shut up. It makes sense."
"My PSYCHOLOGIST told me that YELLING THINGS helps me to REMEMBER THEM."
Could've been badass, but just looks kinda stupid here.
"Loveless, are you abusing your levitation powers again?"
We got back just in time to see an angelic mugging. Huzzahs are in order.
I have obtained the ultimate power.
"Those twenty years on the cart have worked up my appetite."
"I felt like I was just going in circles over and over again."
Only so I can do a live reading of one of my blogs.
"And I shall rain heavenly fire upon your foes."
Turns out to be even better. (Wait, isn't this the third flying vehicle I've gotten in this game?)
Like Rocky with more cults.
Forgot a couple of S's there, Guard Who is Apparently Part Snake.
When you see something like this, you just HAVE to capture it for future generations.
How many other developers would put the armor you're about to get in the battle background?
"I AM THE DRAGON QUEST!" "You mean Dragon WARRIOR?" "....I guess?"
".................You disappoint me, son."
Maybe post some guards outside, too. I don't even remember any random encounters out there.
"Funny. That's the same as my mom's."
I'd make a Star Wars joke if that didn't end up being exactly the case.
Can't think of a genuine compliment, can you?
"Yea, he was a badass warrior king, but what else did he have going for him? Jack shit; that's what.
It's bound to be long and boring and all other kinds of things.
I think this is actually necessary to proceed. Doesn't stop her from cursing me.
He doesn't have a good memory, does he?
Go back to the last screenshot so you can appreciate how poorly hidden this thing was.
"Man, this takes me back. All those whippings and nightmares...Those were...those...the d..."
Fuck respecting the dead; just think of all the juicy gossip that lies within!
Now I know why they wouldn't let me marry Maria.
"If I had another, it would be to not die." (And why's he stuttering? He WROTE THIS DOWN.)
AFTER ALL THIS TIME, that Prayer Ring FINALLY breaks down.
"That old fairy angel whatever guy ain't got shit on me!"
The wagon that Master Dragon agreed to carry on his back.
"And sentient puddle of mercury! (Is that what that thing is?)"
Kinda wish I had a robot party member so that previous joke actually made sense.
"Turns out that previous fight was completely meaningless."
"There are children here, for Mildarth's sake!....(Meet me later behind the dumpster.)"
"On second thought, alligator men aren't really my type. They just don't listen to 'no teeth'."
That's Dragon Quest for you!
"You're looking uncomfortable. Don't you want to slip out of those robes and into mine?"
Oh, and I guess a ring starts floating down from the ceiling.
Thermodynamics can go to Hell. (Guess where we're going next?)
The meds are helping with that.
"Don't ask how. Just trust me: I know my shit."
That thing in the back is sneezing on my wife, isn't it?
Or maybe just coughing. Hard to tell, really.
That's just what she says whenever she wakes up.
"Last tyme ah challenge an entire bar ta uh drinking contest all ye damn hood ratz."
"Who would've thought? Certainly not you, dumbass."
Time flies when you're grinding like crazy. (Or at least I wish it did.)
"Wait, why be ah da one sayin` dis here? Shouldn't it be one o' da kids?"
"At least ONE OF YOU remembered us."
"Why did you give us such horrible names?" (Take note of the typo. Who WOULDN'T want Bianca mom?)
"Would you mind changing your name or something? It's needlessly confusing."
"You were screaming about it in your sleep. Woke up the entire castle."
Bianca: ready for absolutely anything. Was there ever any doubt?
Most people say LOVE, Bianca.
You think he'd have figured that out by now.
This is too late for you to just be learning these things, Loveless.
"That's because they refuse to speak to me."
"After a while, you just get used to the stench of vomit and corpses." "Tell me about it."
You could've just said "booze" and gotten the same result.
But she does serve children, apparently.
This was my first battle after bringing her back from the dead. Her first instinct? Wreck some shit.
By the end of this battle, that guy on the right looks worse than the guys on the left. FAR worse.
All that's left is Cortana freaking the hell out.
"And beaned him straight in the skull."
Fantasy as....not quite fuck. Maybe just fantasy, really.
You know how most RPGs have NPCs that say "Welcome to [TOWN NAME]"? Well, Dragon Quest V has this.
400 gold!? There better be a jacuzzi in my room for that price, lady.
But what about Ice spells?
So when did I enter the first season of Digimon?
"In the Room of Moral Ambiguity, tucked away in the Maliciousness Wing."
It's even stranger than any joke I could make about it.
Told you. And no, it isn't a haiku (or if it is, it's definitely a translated version).
The strange thing here is that the Inn part is a still image rather than models and stuff.
"Did you have to steal the chest, too?" "Of course! Where else am I supposed to store all my crap?"
The hood's designed like that to hide his shame. His horrible, sweaty shame.
Hooray! Now I can go and revive Bianca several updates ago!
Museums will do that to a kid.
At first, I was going to point out the shitty sky texture.
I see the flare; I don't see the dragon.
Well, you can fuck about with the camera on those stairs to get it back to what is should be.
Prepare to rip your arms in two, Snake Guy.
You know you're awesome when God provides a spotlight for your introduction.
"I'm, like, level 35." "Seriously? How did you even make it this far?"
OH, COME ON. I spent 20 hours searching for you, Martha. Why do you have to end it all in 5 minutes?
Jazz hands count as praying, right?
"Thought you couldn't hate my character more?"
"That line probably would've made more sense eight years ago, now that I think about it."
Again, he takes forever. This turns out to be a recurring theme among these end-game bosses.
Well, at least he gets a kickass death animation.
NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO TOKE UP, MOTHER.
"I guess that runs in the family. Isn't that right, dad?"
"I've got enough explosives to nuke a small country."
That's right. She's still gonna die :(.
"...killing me instead of him. Let him live with the agony."
"(This is some really good shit.)"
"Stop disappearing for his entire life and forcing him to chase after you."
"You will never have a moment of peace for the rest of your life."
As opposed to all the other swords you've seen.
"I told you: always watching over you. Always."
Finally, I can complete the ensemble.
Kamikaze by what? Master Dragon? Magic carpet?
"Honey, we've been here for two hours. When are we going to leave?" "In a minute. I just......j....u
Sadly, I am not sexy enough for it.
It's beginning to look a lot like Earthbound.
"Man, this place has some really weird gang problems."
It's not a cloak or anything. You just gain the ability to shrug in battle.
YOU KNOW IT. NOW GIMME THAT EXP.
Those statues in the back track your position throughout this hall. It's all kinds of creepy.
".....You thinking about putting that back anytime soon?"
It'll go great with my adamantium skeleton.
Rifling through this man's personal belongings is off limits.
It only gets more badass from here, folks.
I wasn't even aware there was an identity issue going on here.
Let's beat the shit out of Jesus!
"...in this economy, it's tough to make ends meet."
I will never mature enough to stop pointing out typos.
Enix: Our Games End With You Beating Up Piccolo Christ.
I should mention that this guy never changes position in any of these story scenes. It's off-putting
"No, seriously, I'm gonna need you to die, though."
OK, which one of you stole Mildarth from my screenshots?
This is what we're fighting. Kinda dumb, but I'll t-
OK, scratch that. THIS is what we're fighting.
FUCKING PICK SOMETHING ALREADY.
That tail's gonna sprout nine other tails, isn't it?
Not as menacing with the tongue sticking out, is it?
What oddly specific numbers.
But enough about marriage. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CdVTCDdEwI
"(Plain bitch.)" "What was that?" "Nothing. Nothing at all."
"Say, whatever DID happen to that Mildarth fellow?" "........Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit...."
If only medieval art was this badass.
"I also work as a disco ball, somehow. I told you how tough it is out there, right?"
"That doesn't include the demon realm. I'm honestly clueless as to how you even got here."
Sexist dragon dick. (Is coincidentally the name of this underground porno I'm making.)
I can imagine what The King has sacrificed, somewhat, but for everybody else, I'm kind of at a loss.
"How about we get rid of these sentries and just go wild?" "Come on, man! My kids are right here!"
Twaddle? Gotta remember to use that word.
"Oh, honey, it wasn't that much of a shock. We both know Collins won't really amount to anything."
"Nahh, it's perfectly fine. Ah lost count uh while ago, too in the hood."
"Honey, have you been drinking again? I told you that we were having company!"
There are some really lax nuns in this universe, aren't there?
HOLD UP A SECOND. What happened to this place being burned to the ground?
Just look at how ecstatic this fucker is.
Watching his McLudman's empire collapse into the dust.
You're right that you better not. I've already had enough Debora talk to deal with.
What astute powers of observation.
"I needed an excuse to lie down, anyway."
"Spousal abuse is hilarious, especially when it's happening to my daughter."
Because I don't have enough already.
I love how casual religion is in this universe. Just full of laughing priests and lustful nuns.
"I asked him to change your name because holy shit, this is confusing."
"And who are you, again?"
"This is a weird kingdom we rule over." "It sure is."
Master Dragon became a human once again just to get his groove on.
No idea who those other two people are.
"We bestow upon thee the ability to create Mildarth, the ultimate form of the Judgment Arcana."
"OUR children? How many men did you fuck behind my back?"
"Now why couldn't WE dance in our throne room like that?"
Who left the fucking window open?
When they raise their hands, the women just spin in place. The Dance of Granvania.
"That's what we call foreshadowing....sort of."
This would be a phone number if not for the medieval universe.
"But dolls don't have that down there."
Remember when your dad escaped to some cave and died right before your eyes? What sweet memories.
Remember how that didn't open the door? Well, I have no problems telling the same joke twice.
"The only happy day of our marriage. Right, Bianca?"
She then spends the night crying into her pillow and breaking everything in sight.
"But you only compose the m-" "I WANT FULL OWNERSHIP."
"Look, you didn't even write anything new for this. It was only arran-" "I'LL SUE THE ASS OFF YOU!"
