CG shot from the intro FMV
CG shot of Kid in the intro FMV
Chrono Cross with custom shaders applied.
Chrono Cross with custom shaders applied.
Chrono Cross with custom shaders applied.
Chrono Cross with custom shaders applied.
Chrono Cross with custom shaders applied.
Squaresoft - Chrono Cross
The game begins on a note of futility. Huzzah.
Oh, no reason for this beyond "I genuinely like this introduction poem thing."
Never once got this fucking character.
A crystal. This is a JRPG. What else could it possibly be?
Or maybe it's that, random Cockney child.
Fun fact: this is a flash forward, and Kid never once utters this line in the actual event.
"But I'm a silent protagonist."....Is what he WOULD say if he wasn't one.
Hey, you guys. Remember THIS part from Chrono Trigger?
"I greet your day with my cold, motherly judgment."
So he lives with his mom, and he sleeps in until noon. This man's leading the life.
Get it? Like Lucca, but not? (It gets more specific from here, folks.)
"We're here to fuck. Shit. Up."
"You're like, fifteen. And I'm barely a year older." "And your point?"
Why is her fist in the air? And why are all the children hiding underwater?
Surprisingly, this is a viable option. Unsurprisingly, it does nothing to change the direction.
Something. He said something.
Said lecture involves getting the shit beaten out of you by this old codger.
S....sure? What weird tutorialization.
"What made you think you could trust what the game was telling you? Silly lad."
Nothing here but "bitchin' screenshot."
Nothing here but "utter condescension."
You have no goddamn idea.
He finally knows what humor is. (Wish I did.)
"In these exact stupid poses, too. Those were the days..."
This is what happens when you don't give the main character a voice, ladies and gents.
"We'll look back on this day and know when it went all wrong."
Did Serge just stumble on a vicious murder scene? Why are bones locked up in this chest?
You mean this time travel game shares the same universe as Majora's Mask?....Makes sense.
"I really should be paying more attention to them, shouldn't I?"
This is how he introduces himself, by the way.
"I'm just saying that MAYBE if you learned how to swim..." "Just shut up!"
"Makes it real difficult to take her advice."
Looks like we're in for some existential despair, folks!
Goddamn, this game looks amazing.
"Unfortunately, your illiteracy prevents you from going much further than that."
This would be very touching if not for the silent protagonist shtick.
"I could say the same to you, missy!"
Is her Cockney slipping into Cajun? The hell's with this writing?
Take a drink every time she says this stilted line.
A deadly combination of unfunny comic relief and stilted atmospheric tutorialization.
"Like that? Am I doing it right?"
"How could I waste such a perfect opportunity for fun?"
In this one scene alone, she's slipped from Cockney to Cajun and into Canadian. What is this girl?
It's his look that completes the shot.
In Final Fantasy VII, this feature made sense. In Chrono Cross, it doesn't.
After a quick fight ripping off lizard skin, I am now murdering baby pig creatures.
"Kid then proceeded to eat it. Great fucking job, there, Kid."
Still not as terrifying as Chickenhead.
No. I do not. Nobody does.
I feel like the ellipses should be on top. Anybody else?
Apparently, these things are related.
That you can just walk right into for 50% of the game.
"I mean, it's not like there's anybody guarding the manor, right?"
After so much time with Kid, Serge had no choice but to hit the bottle. Hard.
"You mean you want me to eviscerate another squid and cover it in cheap cheese?" "PRECISELY!"
"And my outfit is stupid."
Whatever. If you're floating, you're a worthy stalker, in my book.
"HEY GRANNY WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS SKULL!"
"Now be a good little boy and keep drinking this detergent." "You're not my mommy, though."
What a way to start the day.
That's not a special fortune. That's just what anybody would say to somebody like Kid.
Don't you mean "meself?" Why is Kid's accent so horrible?
I'm still not sure if she can join your party or not, or what use she would be.
So Elements are essentially drugs in this universe.
I will use the hell out of this, probably not.
"Sitting all day in his mansion....drooling....not caring how many people rob him blind."
"This world shall drown in an ocean of flowers. It will be a beautiful end to this world."
German for "one lance." How's that for confusing?
Really, do I need to say anything else?
Killing them in the most gruesome way possible.
What part of this is even remotely female?
"Why didn't we just wait until nightfall to sneak in in the first place?"
Yep, still scary. Have fun sleeping tonight.
I'm not sure that's how....anything, really, works.
Yea, no, I don't see any way three naked guards passed out on the floor will arouse interest.
"I'm not feeling well. Come back later, when I can keep my languages straight."
As blunt as this is, the allusions become MORE blunt.
"WHEN I YELL, I AM CONSIDERATE ENOUGH TO USE COMMAS. MY SPEECH PATTERNS ARE VERY STRANGE."
Kiss 'em. Kiss 'em deep. Kiss 'em hard.
Reaction shot the oh dear shit what is that fucking thing?
".........I'm sorry. Are you asking me how I have knowledge?" "Yea. How do you do that, Serge?"
If your thought processes were randomly generated, yes.
Remember when Final Fantasy VII did this exact same thing? Because I do. Obviously.
"Let's flip a coin. Chances are it will kill you."
"Or ten minutes ago. That kind of thing happens when you reach my age. Probably."
Turns out this is a reference to the beach, which I have to assume is CRAWLING WITH ADOLESCENT SEX.
Who? Who says this? Who is saying such things?
"And you trained her to kill people...why?" "I don't know."
No way THAT will arouse suspicion.
A spell so powerful that it changes people's races. (In a world where race is completely different.)
English accent meets French accent.
.......*breaks out French/English dictionary*......I take offense to that!
Keep in mind this follows hot on the heels of the puce comment.
"It's been two minutes and I still have teeth left. Something's not right!"
"You call those pancakes strapped to your back a pair of cheeks? Don't make me laugh."
"I tell ya, that man's buns are out of this world."
"Don't you DARE go referencin' previous games on my watch!"
I love how our main antagonist looks like something out of a 50s era Disney cartoon.
She's already an imbecile.
"What am I when I'm in the bathroom?"
"WHAT WAS THAT!?" "*slit*"
Really? That's their security plan? This guy comes in and growls at them?
"I mean, what are you gonna do? Jump off the balcony?" "..............." "Fucking hell."
A name that never again becomes even remotely relevant.
Wasn't the Chrono Trigger an egg or something in the original?
"Real men swan dive to their deaths." "Like you?"
Even though we've clearly established such a fall as deadly not two seconds before it.
Just the kind of person you'd trust with your life.
"I mean that there aren't any left. Should I break out the dictionary again?" "The what?"
"Just so we're clear: we're talking about hydras, right?" "..............*slurping noises*......"
Or to save people's lives. Whichever fits your dumb narrative.
"So..........you just lettin' it hang?"
"Uh, Korcha? That's a door."
I've beaten the game and I'm still not sure.
"She won't pee right for a week."
Uh, Kid: you're dying. This is no time for romantic hallucinations.
"That should feed us for about a day, tops."
"Just so we're clear: this is legal, right? Not horrifying or anything, right?"
On looking all kinds of terrifying?
"It contrasts greatly with my aged face and my diseased name."
Very, very stupid reasons.
"It makes me want to puke. Do you even know what you're doing?"
It's a lucky coincidence that it proved useful on his journey. (I'm calling him an alcoholic.)
Great. Even the narration is getting in on these dumb accents.
"Don't tell my mom." "Hey, Widow Lady!"
"Just be prepared to lose a few toes in the process."
YOU KNOW I'M GETTING HIM IN MY PARTY.
"Guess I should have waited more than a few years."
"Because you didn't know to pull the funnel out when he lost consciousness."
("Worked for me in college.")
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard all day."
Sure, keep telling yourself that.
"But now I realize that luchadors aren't exactly common round these parts. Mind if I join you?"
Because killing only one species does exactly that.
Always choose the violent option. Especially when you're dragging a luchador around.
I guess it's time to loot Luccia's shit. With witnesses.
How do you get lost in a CAGE?
Fun fact: we never find out what Homosap means.
Anybody mind explaining why Guile gets the portrait here? I'm still not clear on why.
Luccia, of course, being 50% slime by weight.
"Brutally murder any creature shorter than you. You'll thank me later."
LET'S KILL THIS GODDAMN THING!
Like JarJar Binks, only racist.
Am I playing Chronogon Trail?
Nothing can absolve you of the crime of being you.
Spoiler alert: he's full of shit.
Keep in mind this is in the alternate universe where his family dies.
What I'm saying is he's looting from strangers. Par for the course, I guess.
HOW DO THESE ACCENTS WORK!?
Look at that: the accent actually makes sense, for once!
Anybody who bothered talking around town much earlier in the story?
"I'm going to die here, aren't I?" "Prolly."
I understand the pentapus part; I don't understand the madam part.
She included that "kind of" for a very good reason.
I just remembered that I get to rename her. SHE IS MY SLAVE.
First order of slave business: stop that.
"Are you going to kill it?" "You bet." "LEMME HELP YOU!"
This does nothing to stop us from murdering it. I wish I was kidding.
"Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Die in the depths below!"
Sadly, the story just runs with this logic. It's a major reason why I don't like this game.
"Really? Then how did you guys make that cloth? And that helmet? Is that natural?"
"What could be worse?" "Us."
HOLY SHIT WHAT A FUCKING TWIST.
She DOES realize how pregnancy works, right?
Not that it matters; looks like the still-in-the-womb babies disappeared with her.
"The hell happened to your hair?"
"Not that this was ever a concern of mine. Just thought I'd blurt it out now."
"No. I never said anything about that. Don't misconstrue my words."
What about Napple in the corner?
See? Even she's calling bullshit.
"Who would want that?" - The writers also.
"That's how medicine works." - The writers again.
"I don't know how time works!"
"You DO realize we're on the fourth floor, right? And we're blocking the only exit?"
"NAMES CANNOT DESCRIBE ME."
Chrono Trigger reference...check.
"Seems like my type of lady. Alright, Glenn. Time to wo-" "It ain't happening, guv."
"That fairy, on the other hand...kk-kk..."
"What was that? You need to stop mumbling."
"I WAS RIGHT HERE, YOU PRICK."
For one of them. That's more a statement of fact.
"Wait, are you saying you want to marry my daughter AND me?" "You fucking know it."
"It all started with an innocent smoke break."
This is the face of a man all too familiar with arson. No reason to bore him with the details.
Again: somebody named a sword "lance." Nobody else batted an eye.
So Chrono Cross operates under Madoka rules? IT'S TOO SOON FOR THIS REFERENCE AGAIN!
And it's just now that I remembered that we never really see Porre in-game. Weird, huh?
"Because it's a REALLY easily answered question. Don't know why he's making such a big deal about it
"How's that work? Do you just drift through the sea, making moaning noises?" ".......Yes?"
Quite the useful reaction shot.
I think this is the only proper dialogue he gets in the whole game. Sort of.
"Don't bow in worship of him! What kind of god would HE be?"
"By which I mean 'he's dead.' Life's like that."
Looking out the window has confirmed her directional abilities.
So is the text box part of the world, or is there a slightly less stupid explanation?
It was in his heart this whole time!
"You only live once." "But aren't you dead in this timeline?" ".....*glug glug glug*"
Which he could've accomplished by sitting at the dock.
Its name must reflect its horrifying nature.
And bounce off it with all one's might. There's not a lot of might involved with this technique.
"Your name is all the qualification I need."
Those who have played the game know this isn't necessarily a good thing.
"........................."
You can't do anything with them. The game just wants you to know about berries.
*disapproving fart noises*
"Also alive. Hard to believe, huh?"
Could I get more electricity?
"I AM GOING TO BE SO GODDAMN PRETTY!"
Wasn't this a boss in Paper Mario? And isn't this game supposed to be sort-of-serious?
Your mad rhymes will not protect the baby hydra from certain death.
"Napple? You mean Ra-" "Shutthefuckup."
She knows what's coming, and it pains her to no end.
"Sup. Bet you were expecting a dragon, right? Nope. You get a frog. Like me. Just chillaxin'."
Is this supposed to be medieval? Because it sounds more like a lisp.
He can now spit cold fire.
Xenoblade Chronicles called: it says it wore it better.
By that logic, Lynx is really to blame here.
What about the fucking dwarves?
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
"I DINE ON THE ENTRAILS OF THE OCTOPUS."
"There's no way they'll resist our stylin' moves!"
"This is in no way 'awkward' or 'stilted' or 'very poorly written.'"
I'm using the hell out of this.
How many non-Bioshock games have used the phrase "would you kindly?" At least one.
Each W is rendered individually. Let that sink in.
Just hope that I don't remember to use this.
Everything about this creature screams death.
He's not yelling. This is just how he normally speaks. (That's not even a joke.)
It goes on like this for a while before she gives up...on that branch of his genealogy.
Again, hope I don't use this.
"Step one: cram your disgusting body into this outfit."
So we've come full circle on the Dragon Ball references. What strange progress.
Does Razzly have to go shopping at the fucking Baby Gap? What a life.
Nothing to say other than "good screenshot."
It was scary in Vagrant Story, and it's scary now.
Still fucking terrifying.
STILL ALL KINDS OF HORRIFYING.
And then he blows his brains out. The end.
Somehow less terrifying than the last guy.
The one question the game dances around for all time.
"Specifically, the part of me that's you."
"Three. There are three sides to every coin." "Enough of your pedantic mind games! Let's dance!"
"Human language is needlessly confusing."
And then Serge became a cat. The end.
"Wait, did you just introduce a random plot element apropos of nothing?"
"This is the Serge you know, right?" "The Serge I know wouldn't SPEAK!"
He's oddly ecstatic for this long-coming plot point.
And then he uses her in his plans. I wish I was kidding.
"What happened to that 'end of the road' business not one minute ago?"
"Which is why I stole it. Because it was so worthless."
From what I can tell, this ISN'T some weird graphical glitch. It's intentional art direction.
OK, what accent is THIS supposed to be?
Always pick the more affirmative option?
Spoiler alert: half the cast.
We are dealing with some heady philosophical themes this game can't support.
Your accent's slipping, there, Harley Quinn.
".......Shit. What's not reality? Help me out here, not-me."
Again with the Madoka references. The final boss is going to be Walpurgisnacht, isn't it?
Also, Escher levels. Makes sense. Kind of.
LADY? I didn't see much that could identify such a creature's gender.
"Is it because you're him? It's because you're him, isn't it?"
How kind of Lynx to give me all his belongings after he switched bodies on me. What a nice guy.
"In death. Forever in death. Because this is a gravestone."
But what about the other moon? And what will he do at the moon? I HAVE TO KNOW.
It makes more sense in Japanese, where spelling and saying are sort of the same.
Japanese in not-Japanese settings always amazes me. (Or maybe this is English, but fantasy English.)
No way THIS could backfire horribly.
NO WAY THIS COULD BACKFIRE HORRIBLY.
"My ignorance haunts me in my sleep."
"I told him to wear a condom, but he said that you can't get pregnant in a thunderstorm."
"We were running low on beer, and the big island celebration was coming up."
"........Are you actually going to listen to this important story I'm telling?"
Apparently not. She chose violence, instead.
This is her full name, by the way.
A.) That's not how rainbows work. B.) That's not how scars work.
"We just asked for your name."
I'd make a drug joke, but knowing what comes up...
.......That's one way of putting it.
Says the man who ate a stranger's mushrooms no questions asked.
Spoiler alert: it doesn't.
What is? You have to be more specific.
"I am going to defy the SHIT out of him. 'Tis my life's calling."
Who wanted to use electricity to kill dingoes?
Desecrate them to no end.
THERE ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS.
This man has no understanding of sarcasm, does he?
Goose bumps can convey a lot, woman. You would do well to remember that.
HOW DO I PRONOUNCE THESE WORDS!?
This line is infinitely more annoying in Japanese.
She's not talking about the magic show.
Chairs: the height of magical entertainment.
Oh. It's that "light as a feather, stiff as a board" mess.
"These are the words I will use in court."
"........................................"
Kind of like everything outside the door.
"Whoever dies first loses. I win every time. (Except for the one time I didn't.)"
You know. In a casino. To attract people to lose their money.
So apparently, this cat can speak English, but it only chooses to do so around other cats.
"(And I thought I looked ridiculous...)"
"Did you loot my mother's house after her death?"
What a crappy slogan. Did you rip that from Digimon?
And I thought Funguy was scary...
Assuming, of course, that a group of part-time laborers have any sort of musical vocation.
"That's how the kids say it these days, right?"
Wasn't the Masamune a good sword all the way back in Chrono Trigger? Or at least morally neutral?
Hmmmm.....where could we find a non-human character?
Must have been real confusing to all the other people who read this message.
Is this Final Fantasy XIII-2? Or Project Horned Owl? Because I like what I see.
I can hear him breathing on every. Single. Screenshot.
OK, so we're shifting into Fragile Dreams territory. Duly noted.
.........That's one way of putting it.
Hopefully, I am cured of my hunger.
What is it with all the Chrono Trigger references in this one specific area?
I love how Chrono Trigger invades Chrono Cross to tell the latter how much it sucks.
"Put 'em up, son!" "........." "Giving up already? You disappoint me."
There's your Latin lesson of the day.
How does that work? What is this man's relation to the area, and why would killing him fix it?
Chrono Cross: havin' its revenge on Chrono Trigger.
Because everything is sentient in Chrono Cross, especially when it makes no sense.
Plot twist that has no relevance to the plot.
Listen to this man. Fucking listen to him.
"HIS DREAMS ARE WEIRD. I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT."
I see no way that could backfire.
"All our resources went into developing him. None into naming him."
OK, how does this work? Is it a stupid translation thing?
Boss battle. Out of nowhere. Why not?
Great. Another -cha'ing party member. As if I didn't have enough of those already.
The SpongeBob of battle mechs.
"That thing's been stinkin' up the room since 94!"
I can't tell if this is a pun or if it's just saucy. Any takers?
Your battle experience being...?
"Not that I would know what she's usually like."
"And I am indeed ridiculous."
Why is the narrator going valley girl on us?
Something's not right about this...
This is the kind of sentence that kills people.
Imports and fan translations.
"Here, strangers. Take these highly volatile explosives. It's the least I can do."
.......This is our Ayla stand-in, isn't she?
What the hell is this thing supposed to be? A frog with chicken wings hot-glued to its back?
Oh, she is definitely our Ayla stand-in.
It has to be its own location? Can't it just be Hydra Marshes?
Ready to have your mind blown?
"And this will bring peace to the island?" "You think I care, me?" "FUCK NO!" "YOU KNOW IT!"
Or maybe it's just forward momentum.
So sayeth David Bowie, whose fans turned against him long ago.
Again, one of those screenshots I just couldn't pass up.
"Point me to a manly mariner."
"I changed the e to a dash. This makes a world of difference."
"And I thought Dan Brown was a bad storyteller..."
BULLSHIT! THAT'S BULLSHIT!
Why is he shouting that as a question? None of this punctuation makes sense!
Are we reciting a Count Duckula bit? Really?
"The sound that we insulted not two seconds ago."
That's called an illusion. 'Tis very common.
More like futile and poetic.
Because man is separate from nature. *GROAN*
"God, what a shitfest of a play."
"I am going to fuck Lynx UP." "WAITIMN-*dead*"
Managing to sink it to the ocean bottom in the process.
As if blindly murdering them didn't make you enough of an asshole already.
Seasick? That makes no biological sense.
"..........Aren't you intimidated?" "Uh-huh. Yea, later."
Does it have eyes on its chest, or does it have four discolored nipples?
Which one will die first? Taking all bets!
So of course, it's my duty to use this bad boy immediately and end the game here.
"We don't want any prolonged boss battles at our expense, right?"
"This one flower. You shall fight to the death for it."
This kid eats snakes like he eats churros. Let that sink in.
"Because you've spent the last ten years staring at that fucking flower."
"No need for dumb comic relief on this journey. Or ever."
Yea, why DO we have to fight them? They've never put up a fight; why start now?
Or is it Peppor? Whatever; DIE!
"Because I've spent the last ten years trying to figure it out. Still no answer."
("Maybe if he knows there are witnesses, he won't be so willing to kill him.")
Also, Lynx is here. Why not, I guess?
She ends up doing so, anyway. Gameplay and narrative integration, folks!
NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE DISTRACTED BY NATURE, RIDDEL!
"We thought this would be easier than programming in a new weapon." - The developers.
"Shit. Lemme try that again."
Finally! Now she can stop looking so ridiculous.
"What was that mouse doing there in the first place? Ahahahahaaha..."
"I've done what you never could: develop a sick fashion sense."
That's how evolution works, right?
Lamarck called; he's telling you he's long since been discredited.
I guess we're ignoring the part where time travelers and cave people beat them senseless.
That explains why it's always daytime in Chrono Trigger.
Yes. That's how complex biological processes work.
"Are you listening, Serge?" "Yea, no, I'm listening. So fish lizards got transformed by sky fire."
"Isn't this irresponsible, honey?" "Well, how else is my band supposed to make a sick album cover?"
Did I wander into obscure black British cinema by accident?
Where he got the clothes is anybody's guess.
Not that there was much testing him beyond shitty science lessons.
Is she Lynx, too? Is that how this works?
Which accent is it that lacks TH sounds, again?
Look at that: they even write in their dumb accents.
Also being an underrated unit in Seisen no Keifu.
One of the better special ability thingies.
Thanks, Irenes. As always, you were such a big help.
At first, I thought it was Chrono Trigger, only to realize it was Chrono Cross.
Is this game explaining save points? What the hell?
"Under not completely insane circumstances, this would brutally murder any user."
How? How are they anything like music? They don't even make audible noise.
Bacon and sausage. See? I, too, can make completely nonsensical comparisons.
Sure. Why the fucking fuck not?
Because the planet is sentient.
Unfortunately, you can't use a single one.
Are you saying that Kid was some sort of science conspiracy? What?
At the tail end of the game.
"So you killed her?" "Pretty much."
Except you're not human. And I'm still not sure what FATE is.
How. How do you fucking use an umlaut like that?
This game has no idea how science works, does it?
"Is this new model good enough, sir?" "NOT ENOUGH LOGIC! ADD MORE LOGIC!"
Anybody else hear it making an "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH" sound?
That's just how she wakes up in the morning.
Is that a smile, or is it.....does a thing like that even HAVE a word?
And this is clearly howling, yes.
"Wait, how do I know what Terra Tower is?"
Maybe the Cockney comic relief wasn't the best character to reveal important plot details like this.
Oh, yea, remember them? Enslaving the humans, building their evil castles and shit?
She's been tripping balls this entire time, hasn't she?
Why is this cavern made of angry faces?
HOLY SHIT! THE CHRONO CROSS!
Not that I remember (you).
Why is Lucca's house such a hotbed of tragedy?
Well, at least her fashion sense survived the fire.
Did Lucca draw this as an adult?
Not that it matters, for they shall all BURN TO THE GROUND.
"You think we can pin this on that cat guy?" "You know it."
"Oh, yea. What DID happen to that thing?"
"How do I remember this? I don't remember."
What reputation? As an OK party member people ditched when Frog came into the picture?
Which she apparently knows for....reasons.
She signed the letter "Dr. Lucca Ashtear." That should say everything.
Also, Rainbow Shells. Why not?
More Chrono Trigger shout-outs. Go ahead.
Every last one of them is female. Do not question it.
THESE ACCENTS MAKE NO SENSE!
Spinning to your horrible death the whole way there.
And then they died. The end.
Probably because of these crossed eyes navigating the helm.
Not as implausible as you make it out to be.
Look at the sadness they now suffer.
"Was that supposed to be a twist? Because you already knew my name. Remember?"
Seems like a pretty big thing to gloss over.
Let's just say this very specific thing.
Yea, that makes a kind of sense.
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?
So you're saying that this a lot like The After Years? Yea, I can live with that.
And was promptly crushed into a singularity.
"Which one?" "All of us."
And so we finally meet Lavos. I guess.
("Gotta work on those speech malfunctions. They might catch on.")
At this point, it just feels like the game is referencing its predecessor.
What a teeny wittle head.
Oh, they're real this time? Not some illusion shit?
Oh my god! That's....really, REALLY stupid!
"FATE's kind of an asshole like that."
That doesn't.....that's just......ngh.
About a week ago, when I thought this game was much shorter.
Because panthers are poisonous.
"She's kind of an asshole like that."
Creating a time paradox that renders this completely null.
Wasn't Schala blue-haired in, like, every instance of her?
"Eh, screw this. I'm out."
EVOLUTION. IS NOT. A MORAL. IMPERATIVE. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR SKULL.
Does anybody have even the remotest clue what Zurvan is?
Wait, Kid was narrating this?
But the future refused to change. Just like we refused to give up.
"Sounds stupid. That's stupid. Stop being so stupid."
"I might not realize that I am me. I will be so very confused."
Why are his eyes hidden? And why is he wearing claw shoes?
Guess that explains why I don't remember much of it.
Kenji Ito? The guy behind the Romancing SaGa music? In charge of motion design?
Wait a minute, what's this?
Isn't this just the Illusion of Gaia ending, with a hint of FF6 commercial?
Look at that: Kid looking feminine. (And also a little shine-through on her dress.)
No fancy picture or anything. Just fin.
The game begins on a note of futility. Huzzah.
Oh, no reason for this beyond "I genuinely like this introduction poem thing."
Never once got this fucking character.
A crystal. This is a JRPG. What else could it possibly be?
Or maybe it's that, random Cockney child.
Fun fact: this is a flash forward, and Kid never once utters this line in the actual event.
"But I'm a silent protagonist."....Is what he WOULD say if he wasn't one.
Hey, you guys. Remember THIS part from Chrono Trigger?
"I greet your day with my cold, motherly judgment."
So he lives with his mom, and he sleeps in until noon. This man's leading the life.
Get it? Like Lucca, but not? (It gets more specific from here, folks.)
"We're here to fuck. Shit. Up."
"You're like, fifteen. And I'm barely a year older." "And your point?"
Why is her fist in the air? And why are all the children hiding underwater?
Surprisingly, this is a viable option. Unsurprisingly, it does nothing to change the direction.
Something. He said something.
Said lecture involves getting the shit beaten out of you by this old codger.
S....sure? What weird tutorialization.
"What made you think you could trust what the game was telling you? Silly lad."
Nothing here but "bitchin' screenshot."
Nothing here but "utter condescension."
You have no goddamn idea.
He finally knows what humor is. (Wish I did.)
"In these exact stupid poses, too. Those were the days..."
This is what happens when you don't give the main character a voice, ladies and gents.
"We'll look back on this day and know when it went all wrong."
Did Serge just stumble on a vicious murder scene? Why are bones locked up in this chest?
You mean this time travel game shares the same universe as Majora's Mask?....Makes sense.
"I really should be paying more attention to them, shouldn't I?"
This is how he introduces himself, by the way.
"I'm just saying that MAYBE if you learned how to swim..." "Just shut up!"
"Makes it real difficult to take her advice."
Looks like we're in for some existential despair, folks!
Goddamn, this game looks amazing.
"Unfortunately, your illiteracy prevents you from going much further than that."
This would be very touching if not for the silent protagonist shtick.
"I could say the same to you, missy!"
Is her Cockney slipping into Cajun? The hell's with this writing?
Take a drink every time she says this stilted line.
A deadly combination of unfunny comic relief and stilted atmospheric tutorialization.
"Like that? Am I doing it right?"
"How could I waste such a perfect opportunity for fun?"
In this one scene alone, she's slipped from Cockney to Cajun and into Canadian. What is this girl?
It's his look that completes the shot.
In Final Fantasy VII, this feature made sense. In Chrono Cross, it doesn't.
After a quick fight ripping off lizard skin, I am now murdering baby pig creatures.
"Kid then proceeded to eat it. Great fucking job, there, Kid."
Still not as terrifying as Chickenhead.
No. I do not. Nobody does.
I feel like the ellipses should be on top. Anybody else?
Apparently, these things are related.
That you can just walk right into for 50% of the game.
"I mean, it's not like there's anybody guarding the manor, right?"
After so much time with Kid, Serge had no choice but to hit the bottle. Hard.
"You mean you want me to eviscerate another squid and cover it in cheap cheese?" "PRECISELY!"
"And my outfit is stupid."
Whatever. If you're floating, you're a worthy stalker, in my book.
"HEY GRANNY WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS SKULL!"
"Now be a good little boy and keep drinking this detergent." "You're not my mommy, though."
What a way to start the day.
That's not a special fortune. That's just what anybody would say to somebody like Kid.
Don't you mean "meself?" Why is Kid's accent so horrible?
I'm still not sure if she can join your party or not, or what use she would be.
So Elements are essentially drugs in this universe.
I will use the hell out of this, probably not.
"Sitting all day in his mansion....drooling....not caring how many people rob him blind."
"This world shall drown in an ocean of flowers. It will be a beautiful end to this world."
German for "one lance." How's that for confusing?
Really, do I need to say anything else?
Killing them in the most gruesome way possible.
What part of this is even remotely female?
"Why didn't we just wait until nightfall to sneak in in the first place?"
Yep, still scary. Have fun sleeping tonight.
I'm not sure that's how....anything, really, works.
Yea, no, I don't see any way three naked guards passed out on the floor will arouse interest.
"I'm not feeling well. Come back later, when I can keep my languages straight."
As blunt as this is, the allusions become MORE blunt.
"WHEN I YELL, I AM CONSIDERATE ENOUGH TO USE COMMAS. MY SPEECH PATTERNS ARE VERY STRANGE."
Kiss 'em. Kiss 'em deep. Kiss 'em hard.
Reaction shot the oh dear shit what is that fucking thing?
".........I'm sorry. Are you asking me how I have knowledge?" "Yea. How do you do that, Serge?"
If your thought processes were randomly generated, yes.
Remember when Final Fantasy VII did this exact same thing? Because I do. Obviously.
"Let's flip a coin. Chances are it will kill you."
"Or ten minutes ago. That kind of thing happens when you reach my age. Probably."
Turns out this is a reference to the beach, which I have to assume is CRAWLING WITH ADOLESCENT SEX.
Who? Who says this? Who is saying such things?
"And you trained her to kill people...why?" "I don't know."
No way THAT will arouse suspicion.
A spell so powerful that it changes people's races. (In a world where race is completely different.)
English accent meets French accent.
.......*breaks out French/English dictionary*......I take offense to that!
Keep in mind this follows hot on the heels of the puce comment.
"It's been two minutes and I still have teeth left. Something's not right!"
"You call those pancakes strapped to your back a pair of cheeks? Don't make me laugh."
"I tell ya, that man's buns are out of this world."
"Don't you DARE go referencin' previous games on my watch!"
I love how our main antagonist looks like something out of a 50s era Disney cartoon.
She's already an imbecile.
"What am I when I'm in the bathroom?"
"WHAT WAS THAT!?" "*slit*"
Really? That's their security plan? This guy comes in and growls at them?
"I mean, what are you gonna do? Jump off the balcony?" "..............." "Fucking hell."
A name that never again becomes even remotely relevant.
Wasn't the Chrono Trigger an egg or something in the original?
"Real men swan dive to their deaths." "Like you?"
Even though we've clearly established such a fall as deadly not two seconds before it.
Just the kind of person you'd trust with your life.
"I mean that there aren't any left. Should I break out the dictionary again?" "The what?"
"Just so we're clear: we're talking about hydras, right?" "..............*slurping noises*......"
Or to save people's lives. Whichever fits your dumb narrative.
"So..........you just lettin' it hang?"
"Uh, Korcha? That's a door."
I've beaten the game and I'm still not sure.
"She won't pee right for a week."
Uh, Kid: you're dying. This is no time for romantic hallucinations.
"That should feed us for about a day, tops."
"Just so we're clear: this is legal, right? Not horrifying or anything, right?"
On looking all kinds of terrifying?
"It contrasts greatly with my aged face and my diseased name."
Very, very stupid reasons.
"It makes me want to puke. Do you even know what you're doing?"
It's a lucky coincidence that it proved useful on his journey. (I'm calling him an alcoholic.)
Great. Even the narration is getting in on these dumb accents.
"Don't tell my mom." "Hey, Widow Lady!"
"Just be prepared to lose a few toes in the process."
YOU KNOW I'M GETTING HIM IN MY PARTY.
"Guess I should have waited more than a few years."
"Because you didn't know to pull the funnel out when he lost consciousness."
("Worked for me in college.")
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard all day."
Sure, keep telling yourself that.
"But now I realize that luchadors aren't exactly common round these parts. Mind if I join you?"
Because killing only one species does exactly that.
Always choose the violent option. Especially when you're dragging a luchador around.
I guess it's time to loot Luccia's shit. With witnesses.
How do you get lost in a CAGE?
Fun fact: we never find out what Homosap means.
Anybody mind explaining why Guile gets the portrait here? I'm still not clear on why.
Luccia, of course, being 50% slime by weight.
"Brutally murder any creature shorter than you. You'll thank me later."
LET'S KILL THIS GODDAMN THING!
Like JarJar Binks, only racist.
Am I playing Chronogon Trail?
Nothing can absolve you of the crime of being you.
Spoiler alert: he's full of shit.
Keep in mind this is in the alternate universe where his family dies.
What I'm saying is he's looting from strangers. Par for the course, I guess.
HOW DO THESE ACCENTS WORK!?
Look at that: the accent actually makes sense, for once!
Anybody who bothered talking around town much earlier in the story?
"I'm going to die here, aren't I?" "Prolly."
I understand the pentapus part; I don't understand the madam part.
She included that "kind of" for a very good reason.
I just remembered that I get to rename her. SHE IS MY SLAVE.
First order of slave business: stop that.
"Are you going to kill it?" "You bet." "LEMME HELP YOU!"
This does nothing to stop us from murdering it. I wish I was kidding.
"Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Die in the depths below!"
Sadly, the story just runs with this logic. It's a major reason why I don't like this game.
"Really? Then how did you guys make that cloth? And that helmet? Is that natural?"
"What could be worse?" "Us."
HOLY SHIT WHAT A FUCKING TWIST.
She DOES realize how pregnancy works, right?
Not that it matters; looks like the still-in-the-womb babies disappeared with her.
"The hell happened to your hair?"
"Not that this was ever a concern of mine. Just thought I'd blurt it out now."
"No. I never said anything about that. Don't misconstrue my words."
What about Napple in the corner?
See? Even she's calling bullshit.
"Who would want that?" - The writers also.
"That's how medicine works." - The writers again.
"I don't know how time works!"
"You DO realize we're on the fourth floor, right? And we're blocking the only exit?"
"NAMES CANNOT DESCRIBE ME."
Chrono Trigger reference...check.
"Seems like my type of lady. Alright, Glenn. Time to wo-" "It ain't happening, guv."
"That fairy, on the other hand...kk-kk..."
"What was that? You need to stop mumbling."
"I WAS RIGHT HERE, YOU PRICK."
For one of them. That's more a statement of fact.
"Wait, are you saying you want to marry my daughter AND me?" "You fucking know it."
"It all started with an innocent smoke break."
This is the face of a man all too familiar with arson. No reason to bore him with the details.
Again: somebody named a sword "lance." Nobody else batted an eye.
So Chrono Cross operates under Madoka rules? IT'S TOO SOON FOR THIS REFERENCE AGAIN!
And it's just now that I remembered that we never really see Porre in-game. Weird, huh?
"Because it's a REALLY easily answered question. Don't know why he's making such a big deal about it
"How's that work? Do you just drift through the sea, making moaning noises?" ".......Yes?"
Quite the useful reaction shot.
I think this is the only proper dialogue he gets in the whole game. Sort of.
"Don't bow in worship of him! What kind of god would HE be?"
"By which I mean 'he's dead.' Life's like that."
Looking out the window has confirmed her directional abilities.
So is the text box part of the world, or is there a slightly less stupid explanation?
It was in his heart this whole time!
"You only live once." "But aren't you dead in this timeline?" ".....*glug glug glug*"
Which he could've accomplished by sitting at the dock.
Its name must reflect its horrifying nature.
And bounce off it with all one's might. There's not a lot of might involved with this technique.
"Your name is all the qualification I need."
Those who have played the game know this isn't necessarily a good thing.
"........................."
You can't do anything with them. The game just wants you to know about berries.
*disapproving fart noises*
"Also alive. Hard to believe, huh?"
Could I get more electricity?
"I AM GOING TO BE SO GODDAMN PRETTY!"
Wasn't this a boss in Paper Mario? And isn't this game supposed to be sort-of-serious?
Your mad rhymes will not protect the baby hydra from certain death.
"Napple? You mean Ra-" "Shutthefuckup."
She knows what's coming, and it pains her to no end.
"Sup. Bet you were expecting a dragon, right? Nope. You get a frog. Like me. Just chillaxin'."
Is this supposed to be medieval? Because it sounds more like a lisp.
He can now spit cold fire.
Xenoblade Chronicles called: it says it wore it better.
By that logic, Lynx is really to blame here.
What about the fucking dwarves?
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
"I DINE ON THE ENTRAILS OF THE OCTOPUS."
"There's no way they'll resist our stylin' moves!"
"This is in no way 'awkward' or 'stilted' or 'very poorly written.'"
I'm using the hell out of this.
How many non-Bioshock games have used the phrase "would you kindly?" At least one.
Each W is rendered individually. Let that sink in.
Just hope that I don't remember to use this.
Everything about this creature screams death.
He's not yelling. This is just how he normally speaks. (That's not even a joke.)
It goes on like this for a while before she gives up...on that branch of his genealogy.
Again, hope I don't use this.
"Step one: cram your disgusting body into this outfit."
So we've come full circle on the Dragon Ball references. What strange progress.
Does Razzly have to go shopping at the fucking Baby Gap? What a life.
Nothing to say other than "good screenshot."
It was scary in Vagrant Story, and it's scary now.
Still fucking terrifying.
STILL ALL KINDS OF HORRIFYING.
And then he blows his brains out. The end.
Somehow less terrifying than the last guy.
The one question the game dances around for all time.
"Specifically, the part of me that's you."
"Three. There are three sides to every coin." "Enough of your pedantic mind games! Let's dance!"
"Human language is needlessly confusing."
And then Serge became a cat. The end.
"Wait, did you just introduce a random plot element apropos of nothing?"
"This is the Serge you know, right?" "The Serge I know wouldn't SPEAK!"
He's oddly ecstatic for this long-coming plot point.
And then he uses her in his plans. I wish I was kidding.
"What happened to that 'end of the road' business not one minute ago?"
"Which is why I stole it. Because it was so worthless."
From what I can tell, this ISN'T some weird graphical glitch. It's intentional art direction.
OK, what accent is THIS supposed to be?
Always pick the more affirmative option?
Spoiler alert: half the cast.
We are dealing with some heady philosophical themes this game can't support.
Your accent's slipping, there, Harley Quinn.
".......Shit. What's not reality? Help me out here, not-me."
Again with the Madoka references. The final boss is going to be Walpurgisnacht, isn't it?
Also, Escher levels. Makes sense. Kind of.
LADY? I didn't see much that could identify such a creature's gender.
"Is it because you're him? It's because you're him, isn't it?"
How kind of Lynx to give me all his belongings after he switched bodies on me. What a nice guy.
"In death. Forever in death. Because this is a gravestone."
But what about the other moon? And what will he do at the moon? I HAVE TO KNOW.
It makes more sense in Japanese, where spelling and saying are sort of the same.
Japanese in not-Japanese settings always amazes me. (Or maybe this is English, but fantasy English.)
No way THIS could backfire horribly.
NO WAY THIS COULD BACKFIRE HORRIBLY.
"My ignorance haunts me in my sleep."
"I told him to wear a condom, but he said that you can't get pregnant in a thunderstorm."
"We were running low on beer, and the big island celebration was coming up."
"........Are you actually going to listen to this important story I'm telling?"
Apparently not. She chose violence, instead.
This is her full name, by the way.
A.) That's not how rainbows work. B.) That's not how scars work.
"We just asked for your name."
I'd make a drug joke, but knowing what comes up...
.......That's one way of putting it.
Says the man who ate a stranger's mushrooms no questions asked.
Spoiler alert: it doesn't.
What is? You have to be more specific.
"I am going to defy the SHIT out of him. 'Tis my life's calling."
Who wanted to use electricity to kill dingoes?
Desecrate them to no end.
THERE ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS.
This man has no understanding of sarcasm, does he?
Goose bumps can convey a lot, woman. You would do well to remember that.
HOW DO I PRONOUNCE THESE WORDS!?
This line is infinitely more annoying in Japanese.
She's not talking about the magic show.
Chairs: the height of magical entertainment.
Oh. It's that "light as a feather, stiff as a board" mess.
"These are the words I will use in court."
"........................................"
Kind of like everything outside the door.
"Whoever dies first loses. I win every time. (Except for the one time I didn't.)"
You know. In a casino. To attract people to lose their money.
So apparently, this cat can speak English, but it only chooses to do so around other cats.
"(And I thought I looked ridiculous...)"
"Did you loot my mother's house after her death?"
What a crappy slogan. Did you rip that from Digimon?
And I thought Funguy was scary...
Assuming, of course, that a group of part-time laborers have any sort of musical vocation.
"That's how the kids say it these days, right?"
Wasn't the Masamune a good sword all the way back in Chrono Trigger? Or at least morally neutral?
Hmmmm.....where could we find a non-human character?
Must have been real confusing to all the other people who read this message.
Is this Final Fantasy XIII-2? Or Project Horned Owl? Because I like what I see.
I can hear him breathing on every. Single. Screenshot.
OK, so we're shifting into Fragile Dreams territory. Duly noted.
.........That's one way of putting it.
Hopefully, I am cured of my hunger.
What is it with all the Chrono Trigger references in this one specific area?
I love how Chrono Trigger invades Chrono Cross to tell the latter how much it sucks.
"Put 'em up, son!" "........." "Giving up already? You disappoint me."
There's your Latin lesson of the day.
How does that work? What is this man's relation to the area, and why would killing him fix it?
Chrono Cross: havin' its revenge on Chrono Trigger.
Because everything is sentient in Chrono Cross, especially when it makes no sense.
Plot twist that has no relevance to the plot.
Listen to this man. Fucking listen to him.
"HIS DREAMS ARE WEIRD. I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT."
I see no way that could backfire.
"All our resources went into developing him. None into naming him."
OK, how does this work? Is it a stupid translation thing?
Boss battle. Out of nowhere. Why not?
Great. Another -cha'ing party member. As if I didn't have enough of those already.
The SpongeBob of battle mechs.
"That thing's been stinkin' up the room since 94!"
I can't tell if this is a pun or if it's just saucy. Any takers?
Your battle experience being...?
"Not that I would know what she's usually like."
"And I am indeed ridiculous."
Why is the narrator going valley girl on us?
Something's not right about this...
This is the kind of sentence that kills people.
Imports and fan translations.
"Here, strangers. Take these highly volatile explosives. It's the least I can do."
.......This is our Ayla stand-in, isn't she?
What the hell is this thing supposed to be? A frog with chicken wings hot-glued to its back?
Oh, she is definitely our Ayla stand-in.
It has to be its own location? Can't it just be Hydra Marshes?
Ready to have your mind blown?
"And this will bring peace to the island?" "You think I care, me?" "FUCK NO!" "YOU KNOW IT!"
Or maybe it's just forward momentum.
So sayeth David Bowie, whose fans turned against him long ago.
Again, one of those screenshots I just couldn't pass up.
"Point me to a manly mariner."
"I changed the e to a dash. This makes a world of difference."
"And I thought Dan Brown was a bad storyteller..."
BULLSHIT! THAT'S BULLSHIT!
Why is he shouting that as a question? None of this punctuation makes sense!
Are we reciting a Count Duckula bit? Really?
"The sound that we insulted not two seconds ago."
That's called an illusion. 'Tis very common.
More like futile and poetic.
Because man is separate from nature. *GROAN*
"God, what a shitfest of a play."
"I am going to fuck Lynx UP." "WAITIMN-*dead*"
Managing to sink it to the ocean bottom in the process.
As if blindly murdering them didn't make you enough of an asshole already.
Seasick? That makes no biological sense.
"..........Aren't you intimidated?" "Uh-huh. Yea, later."
Does it have eyes on its chest, or does it have four discolored nipples?
Which one will die first? Taking all bets!
So of course, it's my duty to use this bad boy immediately and end the game here.
"We don't want any prolonged boss battles at our expense, right?"
"This one flower. You shall fight to the death for it."
This kid eats snakes like he eats churros. Let that sink in.
"Because you've spent the last ten years staring at that fucking flower."
"No need for dumb comic relief on this journey. Or ever."
Yea, why DO we have to fight them? They've never put up a fight; why start now?
Or is it Peppor? Whatever; DIE!
"Because I've spent the last ten years trying to figure it out. Still no answer."
("Maybe if he knows there are witnesses, he won't be so willing to kill him.")
Also, Lynx is here. Why not, I guess?
She ends up doing so, anyway. Gameplay and narrative integration, folks!
NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE DISTRACTED BY NATURE, RIDDEL!
"We thought this would be easier than programming in a new weapon." - The developers.
"Shit. Lemme try that again."
Finally! Now she can stop looking so ridiculous.
"What was that mouse doing there in the first place? Ahahahahaaha..."
"I've done what you never could: develop a sick fashion sense."
That's how evolution works, right?
Lamarck called; he's telling you he's long since been discredited.
I guess we're ignoring the part where time travelers and cave people beat them senseless.
That explains why it's always daytime in Chrono Trigger.
Yes. That's how complex biological processes work.
"Are you listening, Serge?" "Yea, no, I'm listening. So fish lizards got transformed by sky fire."
"Isn't this irresponsible, honey?" "Well, how else is my band supposed to make a sick album cover?"
Did I wander into obscure black British cinema by accident?
Where he got the clothes is anybody's guess.
Not that there was much testing him beyond shitty science lessons.
Is she Lynx, too? Is that how this works?
Which accent is it that lacks TH sounds, again?
Look at that: they even write in their dumb accents.
Also being an underrated unit in Seisen no Keifu.
One of the better special ability thingies.
Thanks, Irenes. As always, you were such a big help.
At first, I thought it was Chrono Trigger, only to realize it was Chrono Cross.
Is this game explaining save points? What the hell?
"Under not completely insane circumstances, this would brutally murder any user."
How? How are they anything like music? They don't even make audible noise.
Bacon and sausage. See? I, too, can make completely nonsensical comparisons.
Sure. Why the fucking fuck not?
Because the planet is sentient.
Unfortunately, you can't use a single one.
Are you saying that Kid was some sort of science conspiracy? What?
At the tail end of the game.
"So you killed her?" "Pretty much."
Except you're not human. And I'm still not sure what FATE is.
How. How do you fucking use an umlaut like that?
This game has no idea how science works, does it?
"Is this new model good enough, sir?" "NOT ENOUGH LOGIC! ADD MORE LOGIC!"
Anybody else hear it making an "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH" sound?
That's just how she wakes up in the morning.
Is that a smile, or is it.....does a thing like that even HAVE a word?
And this is clearly howling, yes.
"Wait, how do I know what Terra Tower is?"
Maybe the Cockney comic relief wasn't the best character to reveal important plot details like this.
Oh, yea, remember them? Enslaving the humans, building their evil castles and shit?
She's been tripping balls this entire time, hasn't she?
Why is this cavern made of angry faces?
HOLY SHIT! THE CHRONO CROSS!
Not that I remember (you).
Why is Lucca's house such a hotbed of tragedy?
Well, at least her fashion sense survived the fire.
Did Lucca draw this as an adult?
Not that it matters, for they shall all BURN TO THE GROUND.
"You think we can pin this on that cat guy?" "You know it."
"Oh, yea. What DID happen to that thing?"
"How do I remember this? I don't remember."
What reputation? As an OK party member people ditched when Frog came into the picture?
Which she apparently knows for....reasons.
She signed the letter "Dr. Lucca Ashtear." That should say everything.
Also, Rainbow Shells. Why not?
More Chrono Trigger shout-outs. Go ahead.
Every last one of them is female. Do not question it.
THESE ACCENTS MAKE NO SENSE!
Spinning to your horrible death the whole way there.
And then they died. The end.
Probably because of these crossed eyes navigating the helm.
Not as implausible as you make it out to be.
Look at the sadness they now suffer.
"Was that supposed to be a twist? Because you already knew my name. Remember?"
Seems like a pretty big thing to gloss over.
Let's just say this very specific thing.
Yea, that makes a kind of sense.
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?
So you're saying that this a lot like The After Years? Yea, I can live with that.
And was promptly crushed into a singularity.
"Which one?" "All of us."
And so we finally meet Lavos. I guess.
("Gotta work on those speech malfunctions. They might catch on.")
At this point, it just feels like the game is referencing its predecessor.
What a teeny wittle head.
Oh, they're real this time? Not some illusion shit?
Oh my god! That's....really, REALLY stupid!
"FATE's kind of an asshole like that."
That doesn't.....that's just......ngh.
About a week ago, when I thought this game was much shorter.
Because panthers are poisonous.
"She's kind of an asshole like that."
Creating a time paradox that renders this completely null.
Wasn't Schala blue-haired in, like, every instance of her?
"Eh, screw this. I'm out."
EVOLUTION. IS NOT. A MORAL. IMPERATIVE. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR SKULL.
Does anybody have even the remotest clue what Zurvan is?
Wait, Kid was narrating this?
But the future refused to change. Just like we refused to give up.
"Sounds stupid. That's stupid. Stop being so stupid."
"I might not realize that I am me. I will be so very confused."
Why are his eyes hidden? And why is he wearing claw shoes?
Guess that explains why I don't remember much of it.
Kenji Ito? The guy behind the Romancing SaGa music? In charge of motion design?
Wait a minute, what's this?
Isn't this just the Illusion of Gaia ending, with a hint of FF6 commercial?
Look at that: Kid looking feminine. (And also a little shine-through on her dress.)
No fancy picture or anything. Just fin.
The game begins on a note of futility. Huzzah.
Oh, no reason for this beyond "I genuinely like this introduction poem thing."
Never once got this fucking character.
A crystal. This is a JRPG. What else could it possibly be?
Or maybe it's that, random Cockney child.
Fun fact: this is a flash forward, and Kid never once utters this line in the actual event.
"But I'm a silent protagonist."....Is what he WOULD say if he wasn't one.
Hey, you guys. Remember THIS part from Chrono Trigger?
"I greet your day with my cold, motherly judgment."
So he lives with his mom, and he sleeps in until noon. This man's leading the life.
Get it? Like Lucca, but not? (It gets more specific from here, folks.)
"We're here to fuck. Shit. Up."
"You're like, fifteen. And I'm barely a year older." "And your point?"
Why is her fist in the air? And why are all the children hiding underwater?
Surprisingly, this is a viable option. Unsurprisingly, it does nothing to change the direction.
Something. He said something.
Said lecture involves getting the shit beaten out of you by this old codger.
S....sure? What weird tutorialization.
"What made you think you could trust what the game was telling you? Silly lad."
Nothing here but "bitchin' screenshot."
Nothing here but "utter condescension."
You have no goddamn idea.
He finally knows what humor is. (Wish I did.)
"In these exact stupid poses, too. Those were the days..."
This is what happens when you don't give the main character a voice, ladies and gents.
"We'll look back on this day and know when it went all wrong."
Did Serge just stumble on a vicious murder scene? Why are bones locked up in this chest?
You mean this time travel game shares the same universe as Majora's Mask?....Makes sense.
"I really should be paying more attention to them, shouldn't I?"
This is how he introduces himself, by the way.
"I'm just saying that MAYBE if you learned how to swim..." "Just shut up!"
"Makes it real difficult to take her advice."
Looks like we're in for some existential despair, folks!
Goddamn, this game looks amazing.
"Unfortunately, your illiteracy prevents you from going much further than that."
This would be very touching if not for the silent protagonist shtick.
"I could say the same to you, missy!"
Is her Cockney slipping into Cajun? The hell's with this writing?
Take a drink every time she says this stilted line.
A deadly combination of unfunny comic relief and stilted atmospheric tutorialization.
"Like that? Am I doing it right?"
"How could I waste such a perfect opportunity for fun?"
In this one scene alone, she's slipped from Cockney to Cajun and into Canadian. What is this girl?
It's his look that completes the shot.
In Final Fantasy VII, this feature made sense. In Chrono Cross, it doesn't.
After a quick fight ripping off lizard skin, I am now murdering baby pig creatures.
"Kid then proceeded to eat it. Great fucking job, there, Kid."
Still not as terrifying as Chickenhead.
No. I do not. Nobody does.
I feel like the ellipses should be on top. Anybody else?
Apparently, these things are related.
That you can just walk right into for 50% of the game.
"I mean, it's not like there's anybody guarding the manor, right?"
After so much time with Kid, Serge had no choice but to hit the bottle. Hard.
"You mean you want me to eviscerate another squid and cover it in cheap cheese?" "PRECISELY!"
"And my outfit is stupid."
Whatever. If you're floating, you're a worthy stalker, in my book.
"HEY GRANNY WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS SKULL!"
"Now be a good little boy and keep drinking this detergent." "You're not my mommy, though."
What a way to start the day.
That's not a special fortune. That's just what anybody would say to somebody like Kid.
Don't you mean "meself?" Why is Kid's accent so horrible?
I'm still not sure if she can join your party or not, or what use she would be.
So Elements are essentially drugs in this universe.
I will use the hell out of this, probably not.
"Sitting all day in his mansion....drooling....not caring how many people rob him blind."
"This world shall drown in an ocean of flowers. It will be a beautiful end to this world."
German for "one lance." How's that for confusing?
Really, do I need to say anything else?
Killing them in the most gruesome way possible.
What part of this is even remotely female?
"Why didn't we just wait until nightfall to sneak in in the first place?"
Yep, still scary. Have fun sleeping tonight.
I'm not sure that's how....anything, really, works.
Yea, no, I don't see any way three naked guards passed out on the floor will arouse interest.
"I'm not feeling well. Come back later, when I can keep my languages straight."
As blunt as this is, the allusions become MORE blunt.
"WHEN I YELL, I AM CONSIDERATE ENOUGH TO USE COMMAS. MY SPEECH PATTERNS ARE VERY STRANGE."
Kiss 'em. Kiss 'em deep. Kiss 'em hard.
Reaction shot the oh dear shit what is that fucking thing?
".........I'm sorry. Are you asking me how I have knowledge?" "Yea. How do you do that, Serge?"
If your thought processes were randomly generated, yes.
Remember when Final Fantasy VII did this exact same thing? Because I do. Obviously.
"Let's flip a coin. Chances are it will kill you."
"Or ten minutes ago. That kind of thing happens when you reach my age. Probably."
Turns out this is a reference to the beach, which I have to assume is CRAWLING WITH ADOLESCENT SEX.
Who? Who says this? Who is saying such things?
"And you trained her to kill people...why?" "I don't know."
No way THAT will arouse suspicion.
A spell so powerful that it changes people's races. (In a world where race is completely different.)
English accent meets French accent.
.......*breaks out French/English dictionary*......I take offense to that!
Keep in mind this follows hot on the heels of the puce comment.
"It's been two minutes and I still have teeth left. Something's not right!"
"You call those pancakes strapped to your back a pair of cheeks? Don't make me laugh."
"I tell ya, that man's buns are out of this world."
"Don't you DARE go referencin' previous games on my watch!"
I love how our main antagonist looks like something out of a 50s era Disney cartoon.
She's already an imbecile.
"What am I when I'm in the bathroom?"
"WHAT WAS THAT!?" "*slit*"
Really? That's their security plan? This guy comes in and growls at them?
"I mean, what are you gonna do? Jump off the balcony?" "..............." "Fucking hell."
A name that never again becomes even remotely relevant.
Wasn't the Chrono Trigger an egg or something in the original?
"Real men swan dive to their deaths." "Like you?"
Even though we've clearly established such a fall as deadly not two seconds before it.
Just the kind of person you'd trust with your life.
"I mean that there aren't any left. Should I break out the dictionary again?" "The what?"
"Just so we're clear: we're talking about hydras, right?" "..............*slurping noises*......"
Or to save people's lives. Whichever fits your dumb narrative.
"So..........you just lettin' it hang?"
"Uh, Korcha? That's a door."
I've beaten the game and I'm still not sure.
"She won't pee right for a week."
Uh, Kid: you're dying. This is no time for romantic hallucinations.
"That should feed us for about a day, tops."
"Just so we're clear: this is legal, right? Not horrifying or anything, right?"
On looking all kinds of terrifying?
"It contrasts greatly with my aged face and my diseased name."
Very, very stupid reasons.
"It makes me want to puke. Do you even know what you're doing?"
It's a lucky coincidence that it proved useful on his journey. (I'm calling him an alcoholic.)
Great. Even the narration is getting in on these dumb accents.
"Don't tell my mom." "Hey, Widow Lady!"
"Just be prepared to lose a few toes in the process."
YOU KNOW I'M GETTING HIM IN MY PARTY.
"Guess I should have waited more than a few years."
"Because you didn't know to pull the funnel out when he lost consciousness."
("Worked for me in college.")
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard all day."
Sure, keep telling yourself that.
"But now I realize that luchadors aren't exactly common round these parts. Mind if I join you?"
Because killing only one species does exactly that.
Always choose the violent option. Especially when you're dragging a luchador around.
I guess it's time to loot Luccia's shit. With witnesses.
How do you get lost in a CAGE?
Fun fact: we never find out what Homosap means.
Anybody mind explaining why Guile gets the portrait here? I'm still not clear on why.
Luccia, of course, being 50% slime by weight.
"Brutally murder any creature shorter than you. You'll thank me later."
LET'S KILL THIS GODDAMN THING!
Like JarJar Binks, only racist.
Am I playing Chronogon Trail?
Nothing can absolve you of the crime of being you.
Spoiler alert: he's full of shit.
Keep in mind this is in the alternate universe where his family dies.
What I'm saying is he's looting from strangers. Par for the course, I guess.
HOW DO THESE ACCENTS WORK!?
Look at that: the accent actually makes sense, for once!
Anybody who bothered talking around town much earlier in the story?
"I'm going to die here, aren't I?" "Prolly."
I understand the pentapus part; I don't understand the madam part.
She included that "kind of" for a very good reason.
I just remembered that I get to rename her. SHE IS MY SLAVE.
First order of slave business: stop that.
"Are you going to kill it?" "You bet." "LEMME HELP YOU!"
This does nothing to stop us from murdering it. I wish I was kidding.
"Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Die in the depths below!"
Sadly, the story just runs with this logic. It's a major reason why I don't like this game.
"Really? Then how did you guys make that cloth? And that helmet? Is that natural?"
"What could be worse?" "Us."
HOLY SHIT WHAT A FUCKING TWIST.
She DOES realize how pregnancy works, right?
Not that it matters; looks like the still-in-the-womb babies disappeared with her.
"The hell happened to your hair?"
"Not that this was ever a concern of mine. Just thought I'd blurt it out now."
"No. I never said anything about that. Don't misconstrue my words."
What about Napple in the corner?
See? Even she's calling bullshit.
"Who would want that?" - The writers also.
"That's how medicine works." - The writers again.
"I don't know how time works!"
"You DO realize we're on the fourth floor, right? And we're blocking the only exit?"
"NAMES CANNOT DESCRIBE ME."
Chrono Trigger reference...check.
"Seems like my type of lady. Alright, Glenn. Time to wo-" "It ain't happening, guv."
"That fairy, on the other hand...kk-kk..."
"What was that? You need to stop mumbling."
"I WAS RIGHT HERE, YOU PRICK."
For one of them. That's more a statement of fact.
"Wait, are you saying you want to marry my daughter AND me?" "You fucking know it."
"It all started with an innocent smoke break."
This is the face of a man all too familiar with arson. No reason to bore him with the details.
Again: somebody named a sword "lance." Nobody else batted an eye.
So Chrono Cross operates under Madoka rules? IT'S TOO SOON FOR THIS REFERENCE AGAIN!
And it's just now that I remembered that we never really see Porre in-game. Weird, huh?
"Because it's a REALLY easily answered question. Don't know why he's making such a big deal about it
"How's that work? Do you just drift through the sea, making moaning noises?" ".......Yes?"
Quite the useful reaction shot.
I think this is the only proper dialogue he gets in the whole game. Sort of.
"Don't bow in worship of him! What kind of god would HE be?"
"By which I mean 'he's dead.' Life's like that."
Looking out the window has confirmed her directional abilities.
So is the text box part of the world, or is there a slightly less stupid explanation?
It was in his heart this whole time!
"You only live once." "But aren't you dead in this timeline?" ".....*glug glug glug*"
Which he could've accomplished by sitting at the dock.
Its name must reflect its horrifying nature.
And bounce off it with all one's might. There's not a lot of might involved with this technique.
"Your name is all the qualification I need."
Those who have played the game know this isn't necessarily a good thing.
"........................."
You can't do anything with them. The game just wants you to know about berries.
*disapproving fart noises*
"Also alive. Hard to believe, huh?"
Could I get more electricity?
"I AM GOING TO BE SO GODDAMN PRETTY!"
Wasn't this a boss in Paper Mario? And isn't this game supposed to be sort-of-serious?
Your mad rhymes will not protect the baby hydra from certain death.
"Napple? You mean Ra-" "Shutthefuckup."
She knows what's coming, and it pains her to no end.
"Sup. Bet you were expecting a dragon, right? Nope. You get a frog. Like me. Just chillaxin'."
Is this supposed to be medieval? Because it sounds more like a lisp.
He can now spit cold fire.
Xenoblade Chronicles called: it says it wore it better.
By that logic, Lynx is really to blame here.
What about the fucking dwarves?
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
"I DINE ON THE ENTRAILS OF THE OCTOPUS."
"There's no way they'll resist our stylin' moves!"
"This is in no way 'awkward' or 'stilted' or 'very poorly written.'"
I'm using the hell out of this.
How many non-Bioshock games have used the phrase "would you kindly?" At least one.
Each W is rendered individually. Let that sink in.
Just hope that I don't remember to use this.
Everything about this creature screams death.
He's not yelling. This is just how he normally speaks. (That's not even a joke.)
It goes on like this for a while before she gives up...on that branch of his genealogy.
Again, hope I don't use this.
"Step one: cram your disgusting body into this outfit."
So we've come full circle on the Dragon Ball references. What strange progress.
Does Razzly have to go shopping at the fucking Baby Gap? What a life.
Nothing to say other than "good screenshot."
It was scary in Vagrant Story, and it's scary now.
Still fucking terrifying.
STILL ALL KINDS OF HORRIFYING.
And then he blows his brains out. The end.
Somehow less terrifying than the last guy.
The one question the game dances around for all time.
"Specifically, the part of me that's you."
"Three. There are three sides to every coin." "Enough of your pedantic mind games! Let's dance!"
"Human language is needlessly confusing."
And then Serge became a cat. The end.
"Wait, did you just introduce a random plot element apropos of nothing?"
"This is the Serge you know, right?" "The Serge I know wouldn't SPEAK!"
He's oddly ecstatic for this long-coming plot point.
And then he uses her in his plans. I wish I was kidding.
"What happened to that 'end of the road' business not one minute ago?"
"Which is why I stole it. Because it was so worthless."
From what I can tell, this ISN'T some weird graphical glitch. It's intentional art direction.
OK, what accent is THIS supposed to be?
Always pick the more affirmative option?
Spoiler alert: half the cast.
We are dealing with some heady philosophical themes this game can't support.
Your accent's slipping, there, Harley Quinn.
".......Shit. What's not reality? Help me out here, not-me."
Again with the Madoka references. The final boss is going to be Walpurgisnacht, isn't it?
Also, Escher levels. Makes sense. Kind of.
LADY? I didn't see much that could identify such a creature's gender.
"Is it because you're him? It's because you're him, isn't it?"
How kind of Lynx to give me all his belongings after he switched bodies on me. What a nice guy.
"In death. Forever in death. Because this is a gravestone."
But what about the other moon? And what will he do at the moon? I HAVE TO KNOW.
It makes more sense in Japanese, where spelling and saying are sort of the same.
Japanese in not-Japanese settings always amazes me. (Or maybe this is English, but fantasy English.)
No way THIS could backfire horribly.
NO WAY THIS COULD BACKFIRE HORRIBLY.
"My ignorance haunts me in my sleep."
"I told him to wear a condom, but he said that you can't get pregnant in a thunderstorm."
"We were running low on beer, and the big island celebration was coming up."
"........Are you actually going to listen to this important story I'm telling?"
Apparently not. She chose violence, instead.
This is her full name, by the way.
A.) That's not how rainbows work. B.) That's not how scars work.
"We just asked for your name."
I'd make a drug joke, but knowing what comes up...
.......That's one way of putting it.
Says the man who ate a stranger's mushrooms no questions asked.
Spoiler alert: it doesn't.
What is? You have to be more specific.
"I am going to defy the SHIT out of him. 'Tis my life's calling."
Who wanted to use electricity to kill dingoes?
Desecrate them to no end.
THERE ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS.
This man has no understanding of sarcasm, does he?
Goose bumps can convey a lot, woman. You would do well to remember that.
HOW DO I PRONOUNCE THESE WORDS!?
This line is infinitely more annoying in Japanese.
She's not talking about the magic show.
Chairs: the height of magical entertainment.
Oh. It's that "light as a feather, stiff as a board" mess.
"These are the words I will use in court."
"........................................"
Kind of like everything outside the door.
"Whoever dies first loses. I win every time. (Except for the one time I didn't.)"
You know. In a casino. To attract people to lose their money.
So apparently, this cat can speak English, but it only chooses to do so around other cats.
"(And I thought I looked ridiculous...)"
"Did you loot my mother's house after her death?"
What a crappy slogan. Did you rip that from Digimon?
And I thought Funguy was scary...
Assuming, of course, that a group of part-time laborers have any sort of musical vocation.
"That's how the kids say it these days, right?"
Wasn't the Masamune a good sword all the way back in Chrono Trigger? Or at least morally neutral?
Hmmmm.....where could we find a non-human character?
Must have been real confusing to all the other people who read this message.
Is this Final Fantasy XIII-2? Or Project Horned Owl? Because I like what I see.
I can hear him breathing on every. Single. Screenshot.
OK, so we're shifting into Fragile Dreams territory. Duly noted.
.........That's one way of putting it.
Hopefully, I am cured of my hunger.
What is it with all the Chrono Trigger references in this one specific area?
I love how Chrono Trigger invades Chrono Cross to tell the latter how much it sucks.
"Put 'em up, son!" "........." "Giving up already? You disappoint me."
There's your Latin lesson of the day.
How does that work? What is this man's relation to the area, and why would killing him fix it?
Chrono Cross: havin' its revenge on Chrono Trigger.
Because everything is sentient in Chrono Cross, especially when it makes no sense.
Plot twist that has no relevance to the plot.
Listen to this man. Fucking listen to him.
"HIS DREAMS ARE WEIRD. I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT."
I see no way that could backfire.
"All our resources went into developing him. None into naming him."
OK, how does this work? Is it a stupid translation thing?
Boss battle. Out of nowhere. Why not?
Great. Another -cha'ing party member. As if I didn't have enough of those already.
The SpongeBob of battle mechs.
"That thing's been stinkin' up the room since 94!"
I can't tell if this is a pun or if it's just saucy. Any takers?
Your battle experience being...?
"Not that I would know what she's usually like."
"And I am indeed ridiculous."
Why is the narrator going valley girl on us?
Something's not right about this...
This is the kind of sentence that kills people.
Imports and fan translations.
"Here, strangers. Take these highly volatile explosives. It's the least I can do."
.......This is our Ayla stand-in, isn't she?
What the hell is this thing supposed to be? A frog with chicken wings hot-glued to its back?
Oh, she is definitely our Ayla stand-in.
It has to be its own location? Can't it just be Hydra Marshes?
Ready to have your mind blown?
"And this will bring peace to the island?" "You think I care, me?" "FUCK NO!" "YOU KNOW IT!"
Or maybe it's just forward momentum.
So sayeth David Bowie, whose fans turned against him long ago.
Again, one of those screenshots I just couldn't pass up.
"Point me to a manly mariner."
"I changed the e to a dash. This makes a world of difference."
"And I thought Dan Brown was a bad storyteller..."
BULLSHIT! THAT'S BULLSHIT!
Why is he shouting that as a question? None of this punctuation makes sense!
Are we reciting a Count Duckula bit? Really?
"The sound that we insulted not two seconds ago."
That's called an illusion. 'Tis very common.
More like futile and poetic.
Because man is separate from nature. *GROAN*
"God, what a shitfest of a play."
"I am going to fuck Lynx UP." "WAITIMN-*dead*"
Managing to sink it to the ocean bottom in the process.
As if blindly murdering them didn't make you enough of an asshole already.
Seasick? That makes no biological sense.
"..........Aren't you intimidated?" "Uh-huh. Yea, later."
Does it have eyes on its chest, or does it have four discolored nipples?
Which one will die first? Taking all bets!
So of course, it's my duty to use this bad boy immediately and end the game here.
"We don't want any prolonged boss battles at our expense, right?"
"This one flower. You shall fight to the death for it."
This kid eats snakes like he eats churros. Let that sink in.
"Because you've spent the last ten years staring at that fucking flower."
"No need for dumb comic relief on this journey. Or ever."
Yea, why DO we have to fight them? They've never put up a fight; why start now?
Or is it Peppor? Whatever; DIE!
"Because I've spent the last ten years trying to figure it out. Still no answer."
("Maybe if he knows there are witnesses, he won't be so willing to kill him.")
Also, Lynx is here. Why not, I guess?
She ends up doing so, anyway. Gameplay and narrative integration, folks!
NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE DISTRACTED BY NATURE, RIDDEL!
"We thought this would be easier than programming in a new weapon." - The developers.
"Shit. Lemme try that again."
Finally! Now she can stop looking so ridiculous.
"What was that mouse doing there in the first place? Ahahahahaaha..."
"I've done what you never could: develop a sick fashion sense."
That's how evolution works, right?
Lamarck called; he's telling you he's long since been discredited.
I guess we're ignoring the part where time travelers and cave people beat them senseless.
That explains why it's always daytime in Chrono Trigger.
Yes. That's how complex biological processes work.
"Are you listening, Serge?" "Yea, no, I'm listening. So fish lizards got transformed by sky fire."
"Isn't this irresponsible, honey?" "Well, how else is my band supposed to make a sick album cover?"
Did I wander into obscure black British cinema by accident?
Where he got the clothes is anybody's guess.
Not that there was much testing him beyond shitty science lessons.
Is she Lynx, too? Is that how this works?
Which accent is it that lacks TH sounds, again?
Look at that: they even write in their dumb accents.
Also being an underrated unit in Seisen no Keifu.
One of the better special ability thingies.
Thanks, Irenes. As always, you were such a big help.
At first, I thought it was Chrono Trigger, only to realize it was Chrono Cross.
Is this game explaining save points? What the hell?
"Under not completely insane circumstances, this would brutally murder any user."
How? How are they anything like music? They don't even make audible noise.
Bacon and sausage. See? I, too, can make completely nonsensical comparisons.
Sure. Why the fucking fuck not?
Because the planet is sentient.
Unfortunately, you can't use a single one.
Are you saying that Kid was some sort of science conspiracy? What?
At the tail end of the game.
"So you killed her?" "Pretty much."
Except you're not human. And I'm still not sure what FATE is.
How. How do you fucking use an umlaut like that?
This game has no idea how science works, does it?
"Is this new model good enough, sir?" "NOT ENOUGH LOGIC! ADD MORE LOGIC!"
Anybody else hear it making an "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH" sound?
That's just how she wakes up in the morning.
Is that a smile, or is it.....does a thing like that even HAVE a word?
And this is clearly howling, yes.
"Wait, how do I know what Terra Tower is?"
Maybe the Cockney comic relief wasn't the best character to reveal important plot details like this.
Oh, yea, remember them? Enslaving the humans, building their evil castles and shit?
She's been tripping balls this entire time, hasn't she?
Why is this cavern made of angry faces?
HOLY SHIT! THE CHRONO CROSS!
Not that I remember (you).
Why is Lucca's house such a hotbed of tragedy?
Well, at least her fashion sense survived the fire.
Did Lucca draw this as an adult?
Not that it matters, for they shall all BURN TO THE GROUND.
"You think we can pin this on that cat guy?" "You know it."
"Oh, yea. What DID happen to that thing?"
"How do I remember this? I don't remember."
What reputation? As an OK party member people ditched when Frog came into the picture?
Which she apparently knows for....reasons.
She signed the letter "Dr. Lucca Ashtear." That should say everything.
Also, Rainbow Shells. Why not?
More Chrono Trigger shout-outs. Go ahead.
Every last one of them is female. Do not question it.
THESE ACCENTS MAKE NO SENSE!
Spinning to your horrible death the whole way there.
And then they died. The end.
Probably because of these crossed eyes navigating the helm.
Not as implausible as you make it out to be.
Look at the sadness they now suffer.
"Was that supposed to be a twist? Because you already knew my name. Remember?"
Seems like a pretty big thing to gloss over.
Let's just say this very specific thing.
Yea, that makes a kind of sense.
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?
So you're saying that this a lot like The After Years? Yea, I can live with that.
And was promptly crushed into a singularity.
"Which one?" "All of us."
And so we finally meet Lavos. I guess.
("Gotta work on those speech malfunctions. They might catch on.")
At this point, it just feels like the game is referencing its predecessor.
What a teeny wittle head.
Oh, they're real this time? Not some illusion shit?
Oh my god! That's....really, REALLY stupid!
"FATE's kind of an asshole like that."
That doesn't.....that's just......ngh.
About a week ago, when I thought this game was much shorter.
Because panthers are poisonous.
"She's kind of an asshole like that."
Creating a time paradox that renders this completely null.
Wasn't Schala blue-haired in, like, every instance of her?
"Eh, screw this. I'm out."
EVOLUTION. IS NOT. A MORAL. IMPERATIVE. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR SKULL.
Does anybody have even the remotest clue what Zurvan is?
Wait, Kid was narrating this?
But the future refused to change. Just like we refused to give up.
"Sounds stupid. That's stupid. Stop being so stupid."
"I might not realize that I am me. I will be so very confused."
Why are his eyes hidden? And why is he wearing claw shoes?
Guess that explains why I don't remember much of it.
Kenji Ito? The guy behind the Romancing SaGa music? In charge of motion design?
Wait a minute, what's this?
Isn't this just the Illusion of Gaia ending, with a hint of FF6 commercial?
Look at that: Kid looking feminine. (And also a little shine-through on her dress.)
No fancy picture or anything. Just fin.
