Hilarity ensues with this man
by red12b
http://www.27bslash6.com/tennis.html This guy is absolutely brilliant. Introduction to Tennis Hello, my name is Holly and welcome to my complete guide to the exciting sport of tennis. Considered by some as a game and others as the terrifying and pointless act of exercising by choice, tennis, invented in 1976, involves fun things to do with racquets and balls. You can swing a racquet. You can hi...
This guy is absolutely brilliant.
Introduction to Tennis
Hello, my name is Holly and welcome to my complete guide to the exciting sport of tennis. Considered by some as a game and others as the terrifying and pointless act of exercising by choice, tennis, invented in 1976, involves fun things to do with racquets and balls. You can swing a racquet. You can hit a ball. Tennis is also an exciting spectator sport which allows people to watch other people swing racquets and hit balls.
Each game lasts for approximately four hours. Three hours of this consists of picking up the balls so that you can hit them again with a racquet. The remaining hour is spent arguing. Variations of tennis include golf, hockey and slip'n'slide.
Scoring
There are only four basic rules to scoring; If David hits the shot in, then it is out and you get a point. If David hits it out, then you get a point. If at any point David asks what the score is, his inability to pay attention means you get three points and one is taken from his.Hitting the balls over the fence gives you not only a few minutes to relax while David collects them, but also two points.
If David questions the validity of the score, this means he is cheating. Display disappointment at his inability to be trusted and point out that you should be used to his lies because of the time two years ago when he told you that he only paid $200 for a leather jacket but you found the receipt for $500.
A standard scoring sequence consists of "Fifteen love, fifteen all, Forty love, I win." It would make more sense to just make it the first to four but the game was invented by the British who only discovered consecutive numeric sequencing following the 1982 release of XTC's single Senses Working Overtime.
If David manages to win a game, point out that cheating wastes everybody’s time and it is the last game you are ever playing with him.
Racquet Selection
It does not matter what brand, price or quality the racquet is, as long as it is pink. It is actually preferable that the racquet is not a recognised brand as this enables you to blame each lost point on it. Reiterate this to David by throwing the racquet in disgust at least forty times during each match and, when failing to return a shot, stare at the racquet with a look of disgust as if to say "What the fuck racquet? What are you doing? That wouldn't have happened if you were the kind of racquet Andre Agassi uses."
After winning a point, point out the fact that not only was it a point won, it was a point won with inferior equipment.
Clothing
Before each game, it is imperative to drive into town and purchase a new outfit. Your top must match the sneakers and shorts must match the socks. If a headband is worn, it must match the racquet which must match the top, sneakers, shorts and socks.
If, before leaving to play, David cannot find his shorts, suggest he wear his yellow swimming trunks with the palm trees and starfish on them because it is just a game of tennis, nobody will be there to see him and he is not Andre Agassi.
Preparation
Prior to each game, an injury should be prepared. It does not matter what the injury is and comes down to personal preference. The severity of the injury does not need to be relative to the outcome as "You only won the game because of my possibly broken leg" works just as well as "I won despite my possibly broken leg."
Serving
Every serve David makes is out. Being closer to the area that the ball was meant to be hit into means your view is the only one that can be trusted and he just thought it was in because he is "looking at it from further away and on the wrong angle." All serves you make are in for exactly the same reason.
Obstruction
Obstruction is an integral part of every tennis match. Basically, when David serves a ball that you simply cannot be bothered attempting to reach, calling out "obstruction" means the shot is void and must be made again.
It doesn't matter what the obstruction is, a stick nearby or a dog that you saw on the side of the road the previous day while driving to work will do. If David questions the validity of this rule, remind him that it is just a friendly game and that he is not Andre Agassi.
Game Play
A winning shot should be accompanied by ridicule, a dance and admonishment if David does not agree the shot was possibly the greatest shot ever made in the history of not only tennis, but all sports.
A winning shot by David should be met with statements such as "The sun was in my eyes" or "Nobody likes you, you do realise that don't you." and a look of disdain such as the one you use when you ask him to drive to the shop to get sour cream for the nachos and he comes back with a twelve pack of Bic lighters and a folding chair.
If you are losing the game, it is important that David realises it is not because he is playing well, it is because you don't care. Standard procedures include:
1.
Hang on, David's serving, I'll put you on hold for a second.2.
Yes, I'm ready. Go ahead and serve.3.
Fuck this, I'm going home to watch Jeopardy.Game, Set, Match
Convention dictates that players shake hands after the match unless you have lost in which case giving the finger is acceptable.
If you have won the match, request another. If you have lost, due to the racquet not being the kind Andre Agassi uses, state that your leg hurts and you wish to leave. Do not speak to David on the drive home.
Play the Dixie Chicks CD.