The GiantBomb Zombie Team
by sweep
In yesterdays Bombcast Vinnie raised the important Issue of zombie teams. Seeing as a zombie holocaust is inevitable I think its important to allocate the team roles to the appropriate members of Giantbomb. The Token Black Guy Played By Jeff Gerstmann Every zombie team needs a black dude. He will either be a Cop or a Gangster, and he will definately know how to use a gun. Contrary to popular be...
In yesterdays Bombcast Vinnie raised the important Issue of zombie teams. Seeing as a zombie holocaust is inevitable I think its important to allocate the team roles to the appropriate members of Giantbomb.
The Token Black Guy
Played By Jeff Gerstmann
Every zombie team needs a black dude. He will either be a Cop or a Gangster, and he will definately know how to use a gun. Contrary to popular belief, he will not be the first to die - although he will probably be killed in a slow and painful way.The Porn Star
Played by Brad Shoemaker
The porn star has two jobs. Firstly to run around in a thong with a huge machinegun. Secondly to satisfy the other male survivors. The porn star isnt afraid of getting her hands dirty, and her survival skills will depend entirely on the size of her rack. If she looks good enough, she may even survive until the end.The Geeky Guy
Played By Sweep
This dude reads comic books and plays extensive hours of counter strike - and as a result he knows what should be done, but lacks the charisma to do it. He will probably formulate an awesome survival plan and then promptly get eaten. Nobody will be upset after he is gone.The Middle Eastern Dude
Played By Hamz
Everyone will assume this dude is a terrorist and that he therefore should be a zombie killing machine. After a while it will become aparent he is a dentist, with 2 kids he is determined to save. This guy will be the outcast of the team and will probly bring about the deaths of several other survivors through his actions.The Fat Chick
Played By Lemon
The fat chick acts as zombie cannon fodder, offering her bulk as a human shield. Its an understandable survival tactic as she is unlikely to have any other uses within the team. She may also have a short (but very amusing) relationship with The Geeky Guy.The Vietnam Veteran
Played By Ryan Davis
The vet will be missing a limb, but will compensate by being slightly insane and racially intollerant. He will not trust the Middle Eastern guy until later on when they will be forced to work together to survive. The vet's death is inevitable. He will go down fighting, probably with a shotgun.The Asian Dude
Played By Why_So_Serious
This guy will be the wannabe gangsta, but will ultimately look like a tool. He will try desperately to impress the Token Black Guy, and will ultimately be the only member of the group to not sleep with the Porn Star. However over time he will learn not to be a jackass, and he may even survive.The Gay Guy
Played By Lethal_Ki11ler
The Gay Guy will only declare his sexuality after the Zombie outbreak and will spend several episodes coming to terms with his confession. He will be shunned by the Vietnam Vet and the Electrician but will make friends with all the female members of the group. He will die, defenceless, mid-way through the survival effort.The Electrician
Played By Joseppie
This guy will be a grease monkey called "Cooter" from Alabama. He will know how to fix up cars and will kill zombies using a large wrench. He will also play a harmonica and give names to his favorite zombies. Pet dog is optional. He will be mostly concerned with saving his own hide, but will also help the survivors build a flame thrower.The Single Mom
Played By Vinny Caravella
The only definate survivor of the zombie outbreak, whoever she chooses to have sex with will ultimately be killed. She will have been traumatised watching her kids get eaten and as a result will be out for some zombie blastin' revenge. She will earn the respect of the other survivors by smashing heads with a crowbar, and will also act as the peacekeeper of the group. She may even have a background in first aid, if you are lucky...Anyways thats the ultimate Zombie Team. Some of you may die, but hey - thats what happens after a Zombie Holocaust. Remember, its a team game. So long as one of you survives, your story will live on.
I would also like to add that the characters I chose were (mostly) randomly assigned. I picked people who I have seen frequently around the site, and I hope they are satisfied with the results. The Giant Bomb employees were included by defaul. If you have any complaints please send them to someone who has no eyes. The idea was to entertain, not to offend.
Anyways, remember. There's no "I" in the Giant Bomb Zombie Team!