In which I discuss family gatherings and parades

I’m not a big fan of parades.  I don’t care if that statement is completely plausible, ridiculous, unpatriotic, or whatever.  I.  Hate.  Parades.  The whole idea of a parade is completely foreign to me.  Who was the guy that was just stoned enough to say to his buddy, “You know what I like?  Tractors, marching bands, crappy floats, and Santa Claus.  Let’s make them all clog our streets and watch them travel at a snail’s pace through the downtown district.”?  Whoever he is, I hope he died painfully and alone.

The whole point of a parade is for it to get over.  The only reason anybody goes is for candy and, depending on the parade and season, to see Santa Claus.  Here’s an idea:  GO TO THE MALL.  There are candy stores, or at least those quarter candy and gumball machines, and Santa will be there.  And your spoiled, disinterested kid can INTERACT with Santa while he/she cries his/her little eyes out, as opposed to just seeing him cross 14th and Main while he/she cries his/her little eyes out.  Wanna see fancy cars?  Go to an auto dealer or car auction.  Tractors more your thing?  Go to ANY field in the fine state of Iowa.  There is NOTHING in a parade you can’t see at any time that is a convenience to you on any given day.  The only difference is the parade allows all of these boring, mundane things to come together at 2.3 MPH.  And you get to stand on the sidewalk, which you can do ANY DAY YOU WANT, and watch the traffic jam.  99% of the time people hate just standing around doing nothing, or being stuck in stop and go traffic.  But when it comes to Thanksgiving or the 4th of July, you’re suddenly willing to give up 2 and a half hours of your time to watch these exact things.  
  
Ridiculous.

The only reason I can think of to justify this utter waste of time is to be with family.  Thats great and I get that.  However, I came to a realization today that takes away this argument.  I was looking at a picture in my house today of me with some of my extended family.  The picture was taken by a professional photographer, and shows the big happy family enjoying each other’s company.  There’s only one problem.

 
My cousin Jared.

 
Don’t get me wrong, he’s there and enjoying the presence of his aunts and uncles as much as I am!  30 years from now, our families will look at that picture and smile at the memories we shared.

Or almost shared.  Jared was in Wisconsin.  He was Photoshopped into the portrait.

That kid is a GENIUS.  Instead of sitting around awkwardly with distant family members you don’t remember and listening to them call you the wrong name for the duration of a conversation, he gets to do his thing in another STATE.  No crappy cold cut sandwiches.  No forcing conversation.  No lack of internet.  No waiting for the hell on earth to end.  He is busy living his life.  And duping the future versions of us forever.  People will look at photographs from the family gathering and see how much he’s grown and how happy he is.  He gets the positive association with the family without putting up with all the crap that goes with it.

I propose that we NEVER have another family gathering.  They suck, and anybody under the age of 35 that says they truly enjoy spending time with that one lady that’s related to your aunt’s cousin ramble on and on about her labradoodle “Dutchess” and her nephew’s new data entry job at some factory somewhere making $12,000 a year is a COMPLETE liar.  Instead of hanging around that lingering old people smell for 7 hours followed by the 3 and a half hour drive home, let’s just all submit pictures of ourselves posing in certain angles.  Then pay some photographer to professionally Photoshop them all together.  BETTER YET!  Every family has either a) a tech geek kid in it that already can Photoshop like a beast, or b) some 14 year old girl that sort of knows how to Photoshop, because she makes all of her pictures black and white to be “moody and deep”, and somehow digitally drags her breasts out to make them seem bigger.  Family reunion without spending a dime.  And nobody has the urge to kill themselves after wasting a day of their lives “catching up”.  Win friggin win.