Operation: Watch All the James Bonds: Episode 2: Goldfinger

Episode 1: Dr. No and FRWL

After thoroughly enjoying the first two of Bond’s outings in Dr. No and From Russia With Love, I was eagerly ready to see the legendary Goldfinger. No, definitely not the 90s skater punk band. I’m talking double oh muthafuckin’ SEVEN. Prior to watching, my dad told me that this was where he really felt like the series started to come into its own and develop into what most people think of when they imagine a 007 movie. After watching it, I’m definitely inclined to agree. Goldfinger is fucking batshit crazy compared to those other two. There is definitely a logical progression over the arc of the first three films, however. Dr. No introduces us to the spy, James Bond, and shows us how he works with few distractions to get in the way. From Russia With Love expands the world a little more, giving new characters with more distinct personalities room to breathe, and also brings in the gadgets in a minor way. Some silliness is there, but it never goes that far over-the-top. Then Goldfinger bursts into the room and says, no, YELLS into your dumb face, “Hey, remember all that other shit? Yeah, fuck that. THIS IS WHERE IT GETS REAL.” Everything is turned up to 11 suddenly, and the movie is all the better for it.

It’s safe to say that, thus far, I’ve had the most fun watching Goldfinger by a large margin. The sheer amount of goofiness on display definitely had a lot to do with that, but I also think it’s a better paced and better produced film than the two before it. The further-increased budget definitely shows. It’s not better in every respect, because Bond himself actually does very little for a good portion of the movie. He spends a large chunk of time being captured, but this does not deter dumb/cool shit from happening on a regular basis.

The film really starts off strong. It opens with Bond screwing another woman. I'm just as surprised as you are, I know. An assassin sneaks into their room to take Bond out, but Bond, being the sly motherfucker he is, sees the assassin coming, and suddenly uses his woman as a shield for the assassin’s attack. He really just straight up does not give a flying F about her, and proceeds to electrocute the assassin in a bathtub with a small electric fan, after which the super spy utters “Shocking”. I mean, if this is not the definition of badass cool-guy stuff, I just don’t know what is.

It’s not long before we meet the eccentric titular villain known as Goldfinger. He’s quite a dude, and by far the most developed and fleshed out of the Bond baddies so far. I mean, I felt like I really empathized with him in some strange sociopathic way. He was a man of simple needs, and went to absurd lengths to fulfill them, but goddamnit, his plan (almost) worked! Make no mistake, this guy is a fat, ugly, greasy slime ball, but actor Gert Frobe plays the part so well that it’s impossible not to love the guy. He makes his evilness known when he kills the girl Bond stole from him and paints her dead body gold, his "calling card", as it were. Nearly as notable as Goldfinger himself was his main henchman, the infamous Oddjob. I loved this dude to death, I really did. He speaks nary a word, and has a deadly hat that can apparently cut the head off a stone statue but has a much tougher time doing the same thing to a human head. His stoicism doesn’t amount to much in the end, as Bond inevitably kicks his ass in a humorously bad fight scene (which is all the more disappointing coming hot off the heels of the awesome train fight in FRWL). Luckily we get to see a good amount of him before he bites it.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the Bond girl this time around. The cleverly and subtly named Pussy Galore. GET IT, GUYS? IT’S A DOUBLE ENTENDRE FOR A COPIOUS AMOUNT OF VAGINA. Seriously, that’s not even innuendo, it’s a blatantly lazy sexual reference, and I love it. She gets an interesting role at least, originally siding with Goldfinger until later realizing the error of her ways. The best part involving her is when Bond is making his trademark scummy and rapey advances on her, and she proves to be the first woman that immediately rejects his most generous offer. Bond is understandably taken aback by her unwillingness to plunge herself atop his hairy form, but never fear! Our hero is never one to just give up. Before long, she submits like the proper woman she’s supposed to be (only because he forces himself on top of her and rams his tongue down her throat until she gives in. No, really. That’s what happens) and becomes his fuck-puppet until sometime between the ending credits of this film and the opening credits of the next. Actually, the worst part of her being in the film is having to listen to Sean Connery say "pussy". It's almost gag-inducing.

Let’s go through some of the other dumbness abound, the kind that I absolutely revel in. I was consistently smiling or laughing throughout much of the movie. In one scene, Bond encounters another woman, Tilly, who is also out to kill Goldfinger as revenge for killing her sister. They meet on the road, before Bond knows her or her intentions, where they clash cars as she drives like a maniacal bitch to try and get around him. Bond deploys wheel spikes that not only shreds her tire but creates a huge gash down the entire length of her car. Bond stops to “help” her, and when she gets out, she’s somehow completely oblivious to the massive amount of damage done to her vehicle other than the tire, and chalks the whole thing up to bad luck. Similar to most female characters written back then, she's clearly a complete dumbass.. They briefly team up to try and get Goldfinger together, and end up in a sweet car chase as a bunch of nameless uniformed Asian henchmen comically stuff themselves half-a-dozen each to a car and attempt to take them down. All with the help of an adorable little old lady as she charges out of a guard shack with a goddamn machinegun and straight dumps on the Aston Martin. You know, THAT old cliché. Needless to say, her brief and totally random appearance may have been my favorite part of the entire movie.

After this scene, Bond gets captured and spends basically the rest of the movie being so. I guess I felt it took a slight dive, but I don’t think I was ever bored. After all, we get the classic scene of Bond tied to a table as laser beam moves painfully slow towards him and threatens to strip him of his most prized possession: his own penis. We get the legendary exchange of “Do you expect me to talk?” “No, Mister Bond. I expect you to die!” An exchange I’m sure most of us have heard a thousand times. This was my first time ever hearing it in context, though. And to be honest, it was a little underwhelming, because I never felt that Goldfinger was really that mad at Bond. He didn't really have trouble letting him live after that. Another scene that really tickled my loins was Goldfinger explaining his plan to break into Fort Knox to a room full of gangsters with highly stereotypical Italian New Yorker accents. As pieces of the room moved to reveal a concealed space, or the lights went out, or anything else happened that might’ve confused their simple gangster brains, they all looked around the room wildly and shouted variations of “What’s goin’ on here?” and “Hey, what is this?” on several occasions. And then it turns out that Goldfinger kills them all anyway and that entire scene didn’t need to happen at all, but boy am I sure glad it did!

Finally, the climactic assault on Fort Knox was very silly, but still kinda cool. I liked how all of the soldiers pulled the ol’ switcheroo by only pretending to be dead from the poisonous gas sprayed on them from the sky. The ensuing firefight between the soldiers and Goldfinger’s men was like an indoor Battlefield match come to life, as legions of dudes just piled up in doorways and shot at each other for a good long while, and everyone is a terrible shot. Then we have the final encounter between the hero and villain aboard a plane. OH MY GOD, Goldfinger’s death…it’s incredible. Trust me. I’m not sure if it was actually supposed to be funny, but I was nearly pissing myself laughing.

So yeah, Goldfinger is a fairly fantastic film. It’s easily the best, and also the “best”, of the first three. The heightened quality of the oddball characters, action, espionage, and strangeness made for something I felt was truly fun from beginning to end. It’s easy to see how this one set the standard for much of the rest of the franchise for the next couple decades. It can only get better from here! Right guys?! …right?