One Last Song...

Yesterday did not go according to plan. I came home to a horrible piece of news that totally blindsided me. The unthinkable happened. I'm still having trouble wrapping my brain around Ryan's death. It's really weird that this made me realize how much I cared about Ryan, and care about everyone at GB, really. For the past 4 years, they've been my primary source of entertainment, laughter, and all-around joy. Even though this site, like all other websites, has its fair share of bullshit, the sense of comradery in the Giant Bomb community is like nothing else, and one of the things that makes this place special. I stuck around for probably the same reason everyone else has: the personalities that run this crazy place are profoundly endearing and addicting.

Ryan, in particular, was extremely intelligent and had this amazingly quick-witted snark. This, coupled with the fact that he was ridiculously funny in just about every way made me love him instantly. He was a gracious and masterful host of everything Giant Bomb did. This kind of made him the face and voice of GB even a little more than Jeff for me.

Giant Bomb has been more meaningful to me in the last year and half than before. I've gone through some terrifying and turbulent depression that has been the worst part of my life, and there was a time when new GB content was the only thing I was looking forward to. It was the only thing to keep me going, the only thing to put a smile on my face and make me forget about how fucked up I was for a few minutes at a time. It was awful beyond words and I'm scared to death of going through it again. But I've always felt that I would be at least a little bit alright if Giant Bomb was there for me. This place has become about so much more than just video games. It's become one of the reasons I love living, because it just reminds me of how much happiness there is to find in life.

The sting of Ryan's passing is a pain I haven't felt in a long time, or really ever. People I've loved have died, sure, but I wasn't as emotionally mature as I am now, and it didn't impact me the same way as death does now. In a way, it's a more comforting pain than the shit I've gone through during my depression. I know why I'm crying, instead of just coming home and bawling my eyes out for hours and not understanding why. I find solace in knowing that this wonderful community cares about this place and its staff as much as I do, as weird as it may sound.

The amount of joy I've gotten from this site, and Ryan especially, cannot be properly expressed through words. As someone who is going to college for journalism right now, Ryan is a significant influence on me. Not even just from a professional viewpoint, but from a personal one, too. It's not hard to tell that he loved life and wasn't afraid to be himself 24/7. He had an infectious personality and an even more infectious laugh. Hearing a man talk and watching on camera for hours every week for over four years, you feel like you really get to know him. Losing Ryan is like losing my best friend I've never met. I even stole his tattoo. I was heavily contemplating getting a tattoo last year, and just when I thought I had it figured out, I discovered what Ryan's tattoo meant (for those who don't know, it's "mom" in binary) and I thought it was a brilliant idea. I pitched it to my own mother and she really liked it, and I ended up getting it last October as part of her birthday present. Now it has taken on another meaning, serving as a sort of memorial for Ryan. I was looking forward to meeting him one day and thanking him in person, but I'll never have that chance...

Ryan, I never met you, but I know you were an amazing person just from how much happiness you brought me. You were a world-class motherfucker and stone-cold pimp. The impact you and the rest of Giant Bomb have had on my life can't be overstated. If there's another side, I know you're there right now and that your presence made it a whole lot more fucking awesome, just like it did here. I'll miss you. Rest in peace, brother. This one's for you.