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I Propose New Christmas Related Laws!

by machofantastico

I PROPOSE NEW CHRISTMAS RELATED LAWS! So I switch on the television, sit down on a nice comfy chair and surf the channels to see if there's anything of interest on the TV. As expected there's bugger all to watch and I'm left feeling deflated by the total crap we see on television nowadays. I shan't start ranting about my dislike for the big box of moving pictures, but when I find myself switchi...


I PROPOSE NEW CHRISTMAS RELATED LAWS!

So I switch on the television, sit down on a nice comfy chair and surf the channels to see if there's anything of interest on the TV. As expected there's bugger all to watch and I'm left feeling deflated by the total crap we see on television nowadays. I shan't start ranting about my dislike for the big box of moving pictures, but when I find myself switching on my DAB Digital radio to listen to some BBC Radio 7, rather then flick through the endless list of channels at my disposal, I know then that things aren't looking good. But that's not my topic of discussion, oh no. For I wish to talk about Christmas. 
 
Not even the Sesame Street Christmas CD could cheer me up.Now Christmas is apparently a time of joy and wonderment, while there are aspects of the winter celebration that are indeed a joy to behold. To much of what 'makes' Christmas is fake, dull and actually somewhat depressing. I should mention that if I appear to be acting like a young humbug of sorts, it's because I am. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas for some of it's purer morals still in practice. For one I love spending time with family, plus watching all those Wallace and Gromit episodes every year never gets old. But I hate with pure deep passion, the way Christmas starts earlier and earlier each year.  
 
Even writing this, I realize I might come across rather rude and grumpy. Plus to be totally honest I have been in a rather depressed mood this past week, but why oh why do we need to see Christmas decorations put up in October, surely even you dear reader can see the madness in that. Plus I'm not even going to talk about the never ending horrid, purely vile Christmas music repeated every year on TV. Adverts playing the same damn Christmas tune you heard when you were five. It's driving me mad thinking about it. Now this as led me to think about a dream-like scenario where I am King of this Earth and everyone must obey the laws of Sir Lord King Joseph. 
 
So here are a few of those new laws that I shall hopefully one day pass: 
  • There must be NO Christmas decorations placed upon the household until the passing of the 1st of December. Households found to be displaying Christmas decorations will be destroyed and it's occupants sent to Mars to mine for precious materials.
  • Households containing young children, are permitted to play Christmas CD's as much as parents wish. But only if they feature the wonderful voices of Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street. (Sir Lord King Joseph highly recommends letting your kids listen to this fine Bert and Ernie tune).
  • All News Channels, News broadcasts and Newspapers will be suspended from Christmas Eve, to New Years Day. Instead, the rather attractive female newsreaders will perform a special dedication to the King of Earth himself, me!
  • Bert and Ernie (from Sesame Street) will be given their own show that every man, women and child of mother Earth MUST watch. If anyone is found not watching, they will also be sent to Mars to mine for precious materials.
 
On Mars, there's no such thing as Christmas. That's why I intend to move there one day. Now I realize there's some odd additions in there, it's an early draft after all. Plus there are some rather selfish inclusions, but when your the King of the Earth you'd probably be a bit selfish to. Anyway, I stick to my feelings on Christmas. While I do not hate Christmas, I think it needs a huge re-imagining and while I still believe Christmas should be the most wonderful of times for young children. I do believe that once you reach a certain age, you can skip the whole festival if you wish. If I were King, I would allow folk to travel to Mars so they could mine for precious materials and forget Christmas all together. Doesn't that sound fun. (as long as the miners don't ask what the materials are for).


I tried my absolute best not to sound like the total grump I am, but I failed miserably. I hope you understand that dear reader, I can be happy and I can smile (sometimes, though it hurts my face when I do so). I'm not a bad person, I hope everyone as a great Christmas, I also hope that this wonderful thrill wave of festival joy will take over me as we near Christmas. It seems to have already taken over most of the United Kingdom, all I've catched lately is a cold. I shan't apologise for acting a total grump though, it's what we British do best (the only thing we do best now) and it's a birth right I shall keep to the day I die.  
 
Maybe I'll cheer up in a few days and no longer dream of taking over the Earth so folks can be miserable with me. There was some enjoyment had lately, even while I suffered from my damn Rheumatoid Arthritis I enjoyed a second playthrough of Ratchet and Clank Future: Tools of Destruction . A fine game I might had, and at some point I'll hopefully be downloading a Quest for Booty and picking up the final instalment  Ratchet and Clank Future: A Crack in TIme . But for now I leave you more depressed then you were when you began reading my endless ramblings about absolute nonsense. Remember folks, while you play cheerfully around the Christmas tree this year, think of those less fortunate. Think of those who don't have a Sesame Street Christmas CD to listen to.   
 
If you were King or Queen of Earth (which you shall never be, for I am King). What Christmas related laws would you pass?
  
Thanks for Reading, Joseph.