The Wheel of Dubious FPSes Episode 19-20: Nosferatu Wrath of Malachi and Perfect Dark Zero

Nosferatu: Wrath of Malachi

Developer: Idol FX

Release Date: October 21, 2003

Time Played: A little under two hours

Troubleshooting: Fan-made widescreen patch

Dubiosity: 5 out of 5

Questions I have for the people who made this: Several

Would I play more? ... maybe.

From the developers of noted Xbox disasterpiece Drake of the 99 Dragons (no, seriously) comes what might well be the most obscure game on this wheel? Nosferatu: Wrath of Malachi is, um. It’s… uh. It’s “interesting?” Vaguely based on the silent movie of the same name? Apparently made in something like six months? It’s definitely unique. In what can generously be termed a “run-based game,” Nosferatu tasks you with exploring a haunted castle, rescuing your extended family, and murdering the vampires therein all in exactly two hours of real time. Oh did I mention the castle layout is randomized? Is it a roguelite? No, because you can make hard saves. Then… does it really have enough stuff to warrant replays? I wouldn’t say so.

With that in mind, this game is a weird platypus that reflects the ways procedural generation is, on its own merits, not an inherent good. The various wings of Castle Malachi may have randomized layouts of rooms, items, and enemies, but it sure does all look the same. You can generally assume that some sort of ghoul or hell hound is going to ambush you before you even open a door, thanks in part to the game’s “special” sense of audio design, in which a very loud public domain horror stinger will play right before you’re ambushed by a creature of the night, giving one enough time to react, point their flintlock pistol (eventually you get good guns too) at it, and pull the trigger. Did I mention that, for some ungodly reason, all of the animations are like 15 FPS, which makes the whole thing feel more unstable than it is?

Anyway, some of the family members are guarded by bosses, some of them are just hanging out in random rooms, at some point they’ll eventually die so you’ve gotta hustle (or save scum) your way to victory and escort them back to the main courtyard. While you technically don’t *need* to do this, saving everyone is required for the true ending (which I sure didn’t reach) and you also get some powerful items for doing so. Like a machine gun. Or, um, a chalice you can fill up with holy water and sprinkle upon the denizens of Satan? The shooting is odd, made odder by the chance that you’ll find a ton of ammo for the more useful guns (the musket, the revolver) in some runs and will be dry in others. When in doubt, stakes out. That’s not a goof, the stake is a pretty good melee weapon.

That said, Wrath of Malachi has that all important je ne se quois that defines that of a truly quality dubious video game: there’s nothing else quite like it. It’s a memorably weird construct of the purest uncut jank, combining a real-time clock like it was a Majora’s Mask with escort missions, bad animations, and just the most dubious sound design. It’s a hall of fame candidate for sure, and for whatever it’s worth it’s still somehow not the worst thing I’ve played. A ringing endorsement!

Perfect Dark Zero

Developer: Rare

Release Date: November 18, 2005

Time Played: A little under two hours

Troubleshooting: I mean, I had trouble shooting, but that has more to do with how weird the aim sensitivity and assist is than anything else. It’s in Rare Replay. It didn’t require any troubleshooting.

Dubiosity: 3 out of 5

Chances my friend and I play through this entire game cooperatively on stream: High

Would I play more? See above.

Despite knowing its reputation, I don’t think I was prepared for how much of a mess Perfect Dark Zero is. I mean, I probably should’ve guessed, given the troubled development cycle that only comes from being shifted between three consoles (Gamecube -> Xbox -> 360), being shoved out as a launch title, and being a prequel to a N64 game I already don’t particularly care for. Unsurprisingly, it feels more like a bridge between the SD and HD era of console shooters than just about anything else I’ve played; somehow trying to split the difference between the original Perfect Dark and like… Halo 2, or something. It does not succeed.

It’s a weird misshapen mass of a single player first person shooter campaign, with limited loadout slots and regenerating health like a post-halo (although in a move I think more games should consider, guns take up a different amount of slots depending on how big they are) but a mission structure that is far closer to the objective-based stuff of the first game. There’s also perfunctory stealth (like the first game), but also a dodge roll and a cover system (not in the first game,) both of which pull the camera out to third person, inexplicably. In a better game that’d probably mash together better. Unfortunately, given that this is, in fact, a 360 launch game before the standardization of FPS controls on console, it’s not that.

Instead it’s mostly just clunky, weird and just absolutely wretched with eye-searing light bloom. In my two hours with the game, I did an escort mission, struggled against surprisingly bad visual readability (see: Light Bloom), and did some bad lockpicking and hacking minigames. The shooting feels… off? There’s a weird thing where the horizontal aim sensitivity is significantly more than the vertical, which gives the whole thing an almost Killzone-esque swimmy momentum. The weapons themselves are neat, I guess, with numerous alternate fires and alternate modes. I imagine you’ll see more of it soon enough…

And that’s it for me for today, though there’s still ONE MORE write-up I have to throw out before I’m entirely done with the Wheel of Dubious FPSes. On a more serious note, it’s been a bit rough the last few days with the whole “watching a country get invaded in real-time, over the internet” thing. So, in a slight against the powerlessness I currently feel and a reflection of my own personal brand, I’ve decided this next wheel is going to celebrate video games from Ukrainian developers. Did you know that most of the work for Darkened Skye, "The Skittles Game" was outsourced to a Ukrainian team? I do now! I’m also going to include a donation link to the Ukrainian Red Cross in every stream and blog for this reason, because at some point I’d like to say I did something, anything, to help.