The Life of a Showgirl review + ranking every Taylor Swift album.

Hi there! I’m going to continue avoiding writing about my NJPW LA Dojo experiences so I can write about someone I have been a fan of since I first heard “Picture to Burn” way back in middle school. The Lord-Empress of pop music herself has put out a brand new album and as a big time fan, I’m here to let you know what I think of the album as a whole, as well as each individual track. So far I have listened to the album twice, once from my phone speaker in a car that doesn’t have very good acoustics and in a movie theater for the Release Party of a Showgirl. This third time, I will be at home with my kitty, some ice cream, and my noise cancelling headphones. Let’s get into it! Before we do, it is my duty as a fan of both Taylor Swift and Def Leppard to inform you that they have a fantastic CMT Crossroads performance that you should absolutely check out. Anyway, let's get to the new album!

1. The Fate of Ophelia: In this song, Taylor writes about how lucky she is that someone saved her from meeting an end similar to Ophelia from William Shakespeare’s Hamlet. I’ve never been a big fan of his, because as far as I know, Ol’ Willie Shakes never wrote about space aliens, cyberpunk dystopias, or alligators that fly fighter jets. Are we sure he was actually any good? Much like The Tortured Poets Department, this song starts off hot with a similar lo-fi/synthwave vibe. The baseline that runs throughout this song is sooooooo good. I have also been OBSESSED with how the second half of the chorus flows since I first heard it. This is easily one of her best track 1’s. I’m too lazy to copy past my stars like I do for my wrestling ppv reviews so here’s a numerical rating. 8/10

2. Elizabeth Taylor: This one starts out with a reserved piano in the background before shooting the chorus out of a Reputation coded canon. Then in the second verse, a bass and some drums are added to bring a Midnights kind of vibe. This is a phenomenal song to listen to while going for a chill drive. 7/10

3. Opalite: This song starts off with an almost dreamlike electric guitar before the drums and bass storm their way in. I am fully obsessed with the electric guitar/bass riff that lives on the far end of the low E and A strings while it runs through the chorus. Once again this song just brings fantastic vibes. 8/10

4. Father Figure: According to Taylor, she took a George Michael line and wrote an entire song around that. Now I just want Taylor to do full covers of his solo songs and more Wham songs (like Last Christmas for example). This was when I first realized that the release party movie was censored in some fun ways. I’ll let you decide if “I can make deals with the devil because my dick’s bigger” or “check’s bigger” is better. After reading some discussions, this song appears to be about her ordeal with her masters. Go off queen! Anyway there are more lo-fi vibes throughout this song and that bass groove is just fantastic. There is some fun flow through the bridge as well. Very good song. 7/10.

5. Eldest Daughter: Here comes my big hot take. I can appreciate her slower stuff, but it’s not my favorite of her stuff. The piano/acoustic guitar combo is quite good and she uses internet lingo in some fun ways. Few people can write love songs like Taylor. 7/10 but also the only song from this album that wasn’t added to my playlist. I know, I’m a terrible person. Drown me.

6. Ruin the Friendship: In the intro from the movie, she talks about how this song is about the regret of not shooting your shot in fear of ruining the friendship. That sentiment rolls throughout the song. There is also a rather shocking twist at the end. However, this is one of those rare Tay-Sway songs that I can speak to. I once did the thing she suggests doing in this song. It ruined the friendship. Thanks for reminding me Taylor. Real cool. Anyway the bass groove throughout this song is fantastic. 7/10.

7. Actually Romantic: We’ve got a diss track coming in hot. From the discussions I’ve seen, this is seemingly about Charli XCX, who I really enjoyed as an opener on the Reputation tour. I'm not picking sides on this one. I can’t speak much on the specifics of that drama, but there are some lines I would absolutely rip if I were cutting a wrestling promo on someone. The vibe I get from this one reminds me of one of the 3 Weezer songs I’ve ever heard. I don’t remember which one. This is one of the songs that would sound incredible echoing throughout a stadium on her next tour. 7/10

8. Wi$h Li$t: The vibe I get from the lyrics is that this is a significantly less good version of “Fortune” by Krewella. This song is about how she hopes everyone gets their fancy cars, money, and whatever else they want, but she just wants her guy. Very chill, Reputation vibes. This is a song that I feel will be the most relatable for the vast majority of people out there. 7/10.

9. Wood: We’re getting funky up in here. Sort of. We're not in the Parliament, Rick James, Gap Band, Dazz, Zapp & Roger, or Ronnie Hudson pantheon, but I've heard The Jackson 5 being brought up in the discussions about this song. In the intro from the movie, she says this song is about superstitions before staring into the camera as a wink and a nod. Riiiiiiight… I’m fucking sure it is Taylor. Also the censored version replaces “open up my thighs” with "open up my skies” which got plenty of lighthearted laughs from the adults in the theater. Even though Travis Kelce is already a multiple time Super bowl winner and a surefire hall of famer, the ego boost that comes with having one of the biggest pop stars of all time write a song about how good your dick game is has to be unimaginable. Fuck the Chiefs. 8/10

10. CANCELLED!: This song is about how when her friends get heat on the internet, she gravitates towards them because of her experiences with the whole #TaylorSwiftIsOverParty thing. This is probably the best song on the album (is my Reputation bias showing again?). It’s made even better with the sound system in a movie theater, the bass line during the chorus hits like a black truck with snakes painted all over it. Taylor, if you’re reading this, PLEASE MAKE REPUTATION 2 PLEASE. 8/10 but this song will absolutely be used by certain groups of people with no self awareness whenever they get push back on their garbage ass beliefs. But that’s not Taylor’s fault.

11. Honey: This song is about how after having people calling her things like “sweetheart” and “honey” derogatorily her whole life, having someone say those things in earnest is a completely different experience. Also be ready to see the phrase “Forever-night stand” EVERYWHERE for a while. Anyway, another very good song on an album of very good songs. 7/10

12. The Life of a Showgirl (feat Sabrina Carpenter): This song is about a showgirl named Kitty. Taylor’s character is a big fan and finally gets to meet Kitty. Kitty then tells her that the life of a showgirl isn’t the life that Taylor’s character wants. The rest of the song follows Taylor's character as she becomes the showgirl she was warned not to become. Weirdly enough the line about someone’s father whoring around wasn’t censored. I’m not too familiar with Sabrina Carpenter, but she brings a good energy to her parts of this song. A very good way to close the album. 7/10

When I first listened to The Tortured Poet’s Department, my first thought was “I should make a Tortured Pilot’s Department shirt to sell at wrestling shows”. After finishing it, my main thoughts were that the first 4 songs set an expectation that the rest of the album fails to reach. With The Life of a Showgirl, I had similar worries after Opalite, but man I’m glad I was wrong. This whole album is the most consistently good thing she has done since Reputation, which is the only album of hers where every song is on my playlist. The Life of a Showgirl may not reach the highs of some of her previous albums, but it is easily her second most consistently good album.

Top 3:

1. CANCELLED!

2. The Fate of Ophelia

3. Opalite

Album rankings and links to best 3 songs (includes From the Vault tracks if applicable):

1. Reputation ( ...Ready for it, Call it What You Want, Dancing with Our Hands Tied)
2. Speak Now (Timeless, Mean, Sparks Fly)
3. 1989 (Style, Shake It Off, New Romantics)
4. Fearless (The Other Side of the Door, Fearless, Today Was A Fairytale)
5. Folklore (The 1, Invisible String, Exile)
6. Red (Holy Ground, The Very First Night, All Too Well)
7. The Life of a Showgirl (CANCELLED!, The Fate of Ophelia, Opalite)
8. Lover (Cornelia Street live version, Cruel Summer, Lover,)
9. Midnights (Karma, Lavender Haze, You're On Your Own Kid)
10. Evermore (Willow, No Body No Crime, Ivy)
11. Debut (Should've Said No, Picture to Burn, Tim McGraw)
12. The Tortured Poets Department (Fortnight, Guilty as Sin?, Down Bad)

The Life of a Showgirl is in the middle, not because it’s mid or anything, but because everything above it has some of the highest highs of Taylor’s career. I will say that in a few years, it may find its way above Red, but that’s a conversation to have in the future. Also putting Debut that low hurts because I adore the second half of that album. But with someone as good as Taylor, you have to make those sacrifices.

I hope you enjoyed reading all of these reviews and I hope if you aren't a fan of Taylor's, you'll give all of these songs an honest listen. Thanks for reading and, as always, don't let the bastards grind you down.