Hades duology presents a boy band called Snakes 3

A hater’s Japanese cast for possible Metal Gear Solid 4 Guns of the Patriots remake

The cover of 2008’s Metal Gear Solid Guns of the Patriots by the late Satoshi Ito under the pen name Project Itoh. It is just that same picture as that game's cover just with the number “4” removed.  A possible MGS4 remake should unsex the Beast bosses like this book unsexed the Frog grunts if you ask me. The book did smartly let go of the Beauty and Beast corps. My guess is to leave more space for summary of MGS 1 to 3.

Introduction: little new emergers   

During May 2006’s last big boy E3 1.0, a 15 minutes long trailer for MGS4 showed a lot of familiar names with more detailed faces. The trailer played into the nostalgia of people for 1998‘s MGS with little bit MGS2 hints by its end. The little shit that was my 16 years old self had just seen credits roll on MGS2 for the first time shortly before. Despite not being too high on Sons of Liberty, that teenager was interested in how MGS4 would continue on from MGS2’s cliffhanger ending.

More than 8 years later, I finally played through MGS4 on a used PS3 in early July, 2014, just before it went from near future into alternative history. The claim that “MGS4 is for long time fans of the series only” became a clear false statement. I binged through MGS 1 to 3 on Vita shortly before I saw credits roll on 4, yet the game’s “epic” cut scene burnt out my ability to put up with bullshit and then some. The late Ryan Davis went in with limited contact of the series and he liked the game just fine at its launch.

With MGS4 obsessed with tying up loose ends, there are not many new characters in it. I am cutting out all BB bosses out. They do serve some gameplay purpose but too thin characters. They would have been better off as wordless horror monsters, but Kojima’s pettiness about Silent Hill still active back then might be why their shitty backstories got crowbarred in. If Satoshi Ito, a self-proclaimed “Hideo Kojima fundamentalist” thought that shit should not be in the novelization, then I would cut it without a second thought and start the only 2 newcomers.

1 Pay-off for a con of mine

Yui Ishikawa as Sunny

(Ms. Ishikawa’s awkward earnestness performance fits Dusa in Hades well.)

Just that I want to hear Maaya Sakamoto and Yui Ishikawas as a mother-daughter duo, even if the pair would not share any scene together. Sunny repeats the first syllables in any of her lines at the beginning and seems to finally speak well after meeting Naomi. Ms. Ishikawa being a stage actor turned into a voice actor can lack in variety in comparison to many of her peers, but that’s a character arc she can play well.  

2 A guy who knows a guy that shot a guy

Katsuyuki Konishi as Drebin 893

(Mr. Konishi’s main vocal is close to an archetype called “swashbuckling pirate”, just like Uncle “Neptune” in Hades games.)

How Drebin came to be is one of the reasons why Kojima deserves to be called “Hideous Kojackass” by this Youtuber. The idea of a man with close-up magic façade and his pet monkey came the so-called video game auteur because he saw mo-cap actors did so. That sure is so capital w Wank! Nasthasa is right fucking there, pal! Why wouldn’t she provide arms for Snake in this final chapter.

It is not to say that I am against the idea of Drebin, Naked Gun reference or whatnot. Nasthasa can have a partner in arms dealing, and Old Snake needs a familiar face there if the arms provider is to inject him with new nanomachines. It’s going to be more fun with 2 homo sapiens on that APC rather than one with a monkey in diaper. Give us this Tales of Symphosia please, Konami! You are making a Tales like that got people thought that you were back.

On the topics of arms dealing and calling Hideo Kojima names, this is as good as a place as any for any to pick bones with MGS4’s plot. Even since the E3 2007 trailer, I thought “Why the fuck doesn’t Old Snake just snipe Liquid Ocelot from afar?” The man just had to get close and shot his target with a pea shooter. Why couldn’t the whole plot regarding Guns of the Patriots continue with Ocelot dead with a bloody door nail? Faceless conspiracy continues with all conspirators dead is pretty much the story here!

The objectives can be act 1 killing Ocelot, act 2 saving Naomi, act 3 chasing Vamp but not catching him, act 4 catching Vamp and act 5 getting shit done on that stupid ship called “Outer Haven”. Why the obligation to shoehorn in a final boss fight?

Old Snake versus Liquid Ocelot fist fight is a pointless final boss even comparted to YOKO TARO joints. Compared to previous MGS, one is about a hostage, two has McGaffin attached and three is the target not going gently into that good night. MGS4 has bugger all for those 2 to fight for, it’s a final boss just for the sake of it! So, what if it refers the previous games, that only highlights how shallow the whole thing truly is.

Interlude 1 Policenauts back on Earth

Being among those who were cursed with playing Policenauts, I got beef with Hideo Kojima beyond the Metal Gear franchise. 1994’s future noir visual novel has the potential of complicated villains, but it went for the most predictable and cartoonish bullshit possible. There is not even a method to the bad guy’s madness for crying out. Yet Kojima and crew already started to preach about some random facts they just saw even back then.

Still there is some commentary to be have about having the Policenauts duo in Guns of Patriots. In the 1994 game’s near future of the 2010s, humanity has thought about space long enough have cops involved, but in the 2008 games, the military industrial complex is sucking up most of the resource in 2014. So, the finest of Los Anglos are military police rather than space cops.

3 Youthful energy

Shunsuke Takeuchi as Jonathan

(Mr. Takeuchi is the youngest listed here like swift-footed Achilles in Hades.)

Okay, here is a lad so young that he was born between MGS1’s showing during E3 1997 and its release. I am pretty much sure Kojima already had him in mind for some roles in games yet to be made, like player character in that probably PS6 game started with letter P. Playing a straight-up solider man in MGS4 can be good warm-up for that.

4 Fist of the North Star battle buddies!

Takaya Kuroda as Ed

(Patroclus, Achilles’ battle buddy being older always feels more faithful to the myth.)

Doing research through IMDB is always fun because one can always find better segways through the cast listing there. Like how both aforementioned Mr. Takeuchi and Mr. Kuroda here have voiced Kenjiro in Fist of the North, the former in a re-adaption airing in 2026, and the latter in a Fist of the North themed Yakuza spin-off. Kuroda is no stranger to viewers of Giantbomb’s Beast in the East series as he is THE voice of Kazuma Kiryu. Guess who did RGR studio cast as player character for their Fist of the North game?

Why did I spend words on that bullshit? Well, does any of you remember Ed, the token black guy under Meryl’s command? No? Me neither. At least Policenauts’ Ed is closer to a typical sad dad in video games. Some might call that ahead of its time. I would never! MGS4’s Ed is only there as a Kojima deep cut still unknown to many English speaking worshippers of the so-called video game auteur. That I would call masturbatory on any day when I do not feel compelled to be nice.

Interlude 2 Snake eaters are back

As former Giantbomb staff members Vinny Caravella and Drew Scanlon can tell, Metal Gear Saga was made up as it went on. No point is more obvious than mapping the Snake Eater lot onto the Patriots. To be fair to Kojima, he was not sole to blame as Portable Ops did a large portion of the set-up. But it’s not like this had been the plan since MGS2’s cliffhanger ending. That ending was just building vibes rather than setting up mystery that can be solved. Still this is my chance to bring the fantasy booking last September back into the fold.

5 Afte a journey’s end

Astumi Tanesaki as Eve/Big Mama

(Ms. Tanesaki can has a little cameo as the 3 Fates in Hades II.)

There are 2 ways for Ms. Tanesaki to dump lore as the smoking hot grandma here. She can mimic the bit she played a smoking hot grandma with big tits in 13 Sentinels Aegis Rim. But she did not put up that rather convincing old lady for long in the Vanillaware game so there is another way I would love to call the Frieren method.

Frieren Beyond Journey’s End is among the most well-regarded animated adaption of a comic book in recent years. The story’s generic high-fantasy setting is actually its strength, with Dragon Quest players seeing it a world they saved and Tolkien heads seeing it as the Fourth Age of Middle-earth. Ms. Tanesaki voiced the titular thousands years old elven lady, and I think her dry yet sweet performance conveyed the character’s seniority just fine. So, Eve can do long monologue with such a pitch.

6 Turning throw-on into an embrace

Takuya Eguchi as Big Boss

(Mr. Eguchi’s performance can be quite Apollon if you get my drift.)

Allow me to talk about 2019’s Death Stranding first. As Sam Porter Bridge is tasked to stop his mother/sister Amy from ending the world, he is given a useless gun. Empty the clip and she is still walking towards to doom days device activation point. Getting in her way and she would push Sam aside. Finally, there is a prop for melee so player pull the right trigger without the left one and Sam gives Amy a hug to continue the story. This, my dear readersm, is the overt long mid credit cut scene in MGS4 all over again.

After Johnny marrying Meryl, Raiden meeting his son for the first time and reuniting with said son’s mother, credits roll then stop. Old Snake has a failed suicide attempt at a graveyard because somehow Big Boss has returned to stop him. The 2 men engaged in close quarter combat that could have injured at least one of them severely. But it ends in a father warmly embracing his son for the first and last time. Then the father tells the son a bedtime story. Said “bed” being the father’s death bed.

So, my dear Kojima Defense Force troopers, when people say that Hideo Kojima is “an one-note wanking son of a bitch”, just remember how uncanny the 2 scenes described above are to each other. Base your defense on the differences you lot see rather than “How dare you!”, would you kindly?

 And also remember that the man’s attempt at interaction somehow made Death Stranding even worse during mid-credits. I paused and put together supper during MGS4’s ending, couldn’t do the same in DS.

7 Graveyard shift

Kazuhiro Yamaji as Major Zero

(This is only fitting to list the voice for Hade II’s final boss Chronos at the end here.)

Well, Mr. Yamaji would not have much to do here even if he got cast. Just one long exhalation to indicate that Zero is dead as well. Instead, I am continuing from the last segment, more on what Big Boss says there. Playing through MGS4 after 5 years of constant gaming on Xbox 360 then 3DS and Vita gave the 24-year-old some reasoning capability. So even thought the Epilogue already felt overtly long, I can see why the Debriefing was needed.

MGS4 promised to answer everything with its TGS 2007 trailer yet it had yet to answer shit as the credits roll. So Big Boss is here to cover up the coffin and put in more nails to close it shut. Describing how Ocelot is practically the mastermind behind all the convoluted plots, who and who are really on the same side, and all that jazz. Real desperate “we would not make any sequel” energy. Anyway, I would love to hear all that with Eguchi’s Clint Eastwood voice.

And to re-enforce my “Solid Snake should not smoke in the remake” point, Old Snake should try to finish Big Boss’ cigar and find out that it’s terrible in the post-credits gag bit,

Epilogue: Stranded in Greek

With fewer ones to cover in this final installment, there is space to put up all the IMDB pages for the rest of people I would love to hear in Hades games’ Japanese dub. Don’t worry, “#Fuckojima” is not going anywhere. Guess I am mimicking MGS4’s actual epilogue it calls “debriefing” I had just been writing about.

Group 1 the mother-son duo staying in the Snake Diner

Both Hades and Hades II: Saori Hayami as Artemis

Hades II only: Kensho Ono as Moros

But let’s not start the fryer fo the so-called video game auteur just yet. Ms. Hayami as the Boss being dead is more of less the whole “point” of this so-called Metal Gear Saga. Mr. Ono as young Ocelot is simply “recasting” with the character aged up. I don’t know why, but I can imagine aforementioned Ms. Tanesaki and Mr. Eguchi playing their MGS3 characters at the later part of their lives, while Revolver Ocelot just requires a whole new level of narrator worthy gravitas than young Mr. Ono can manage.

Group 2 Dual wielding naked guns in Elysium, flying towards the sun and running errands for the gods

Hades only: Nobuyuki Hiyama as Theseus and Tomakazu Seki as Asterius

Hades II only: Akira Ishida as Icarus

Both: Koki Uchiyama as Hermes

The frying is on hold again with just four men who could be Derbin if Mr. Konishi would not be available. If Konami Digital Entertainment can be so bold, the Japanese counterpart to “What’re you buying?” should be the try out line and see wo can do it with more comedic flair. And I guess that last one can be backup for Raiden, Uchiyama and Toyama starred together in a rom-com after all, but he clearly has less sauce than Hanae's stage experience.

Group 3 Rest of the women

Hades only: Shizuka Ishigami as Alecto, just one

Hades II only: Yoshiko Sakakibara as Hecate, Haruka Tomatsu as Dora, Sumie Uesaka as Arachne, Kotone Miishi as Selene, Ikumi Hasekawa as Scylla, Mamiko Noto as Echo, Chika Anazi as Iris, Rie Tanaka as Medea and Noriko Hidaka as Circe. Nine

Both: Rumi Okubo as Aphorodite and Junko Minagawa as Demeter. Two

12 women of various ages voicing 12 female characters in Greek Myth, yet I cannot find a place for any of them in “Hideo Kojima’s” Metal Gear Saga. Holy Hera! This is how bad the so-called video game auteur wrote women.

Had BB corps be closer to a fun anime sicko squad, I would have agonized over the dozen to select 4 to represent. You know the types: the first one pure homicidal id, the second keen on helping their leader Uncle Ocelot, the third stoic and the fourth apologetic to the point of nearly nice. It’s not exactly the best ways to show women, but if Kojima could not even lead a crew to do that, what does that say about him?

Debriefing: a worse liar than them corporate type

To follow MGS4’s form, I am finished the quest of having my (intended for now) final words on Hideo Kojima’s bullshit. April, 2026 did give me a sliver bullet I need as IO Interactive’s marketing for 007 First Light kicked into high gear. Who would have thought that 20 years after “Daniel Craig as Ian Fleming’s James Bond 007 in Casino Royale”, we got the first new bloke playing Bond credited so in a video game.

Regardless of the final product’s quality, First Light would be IO’s most ambitious title to date. “Patrick Gibson as Ian Fleming’s James Bond 007 in First Light” did tempt me who once got a PC just in time for 2018’s Hitman 2. Several other SAG members lent both their voices and likeness to it. Lana Del Rey’s First Light is a pretty good Bond ballad with creative input from David Arnold, who composed for the film franchise between 1997 and 2008. This Commander James Bond’s bomber jacket look does tell his story as IO made him into a member of naval air crew.

In short, First Light got “look, story, theme, cast, acting, fashion and sound” and will be judged on all those aspects. So, do pray tell, Kojima and Kojima worshippers, why would the yet-to-be-made Physint “breach the wall between game and movie” while polygonal extravaganzas had been dipped in such cinematic flair for three whole decades? Neither IO nor Amazon MGM came out and called First Light anything other than a video game, so what’s so fucking special about your product?

One would imagine they just call it a game “for good luck”, as all those “new media form attempts” made by Xbox went nowhere. There was Peter Jackson’s Halo Chronicles in the 360 days that never got made. Quantum Break on One ate so much shit that Sam Lake called it a flop. Even though this 2016 game is Remedy tried to pivot towards the most mass appeal. So-called show within the game is just live-action cut scene requiring internet to watch, which is a hustle.

In the roaring twenties, Kojima and crew’s very own OD for “Xbox what’s its name” is very ill fated. It had already experienced delay due to the double strikes of SAG and WGA in 2023. Then one cast member past at a ripen age but untimely point, requiring reshoot. Until informed otherwise, I am more willing to believe that Microsoft had already canceled it without telling anyone.

But it does not stop Kojima from hyping up the likely PS6 game as some new shit while throw the last three decades under the bus, does it? The man is a compulsive liar worse even than automation chasing corporate bastards. Or are you just as willing as many of us to forget Metal Gear Solid 4 Guns of the Patriots, Kojima? You were exposed as a one-trick pony by the PS3 exclusive after all.

18 years are half of my life time as the time of writing. As MGS4 seemingly nailed the coffin of its saga back in 2008, yours truly once thought Hideo Kojima would finally shed that “one-trick pony” skin and make something newer and more appealing. Then I saw credits roll more than once on both Phantom Pain and Death Stranding, the man and his crew did not improve on that one trick they have at all. Worsened even, in a “the maker made more bullshit as a consumer’s tolerance for bullshit went down” manner.

Death Stranding was the last straw for me regarding “A Hideo Kojima Game”, then I found out that Policenauts has no sauce either. Replaying MGS2 still did not me like more. In fact, I only found out about the bullshit regarding the bridge between Shell 1 and 2 relaying it in 2023. I got many issues with this beloved franchise, so if Konami Digital Entertainment would be so bold to address those while casting the assemble listed above, I would be very willing to give them the benefit of doubt.

(The End. Thanks for reading.)