We like our bad boys/girls, but there is a point where we must admit some game protagonists are bad people. So, here is my list, my Naughty Nine, of game Protagonists who are simply the worst people.
Let us be clear, he sucks people, objects, air in; and either eats or blows them out. Sure, all soft and pink, but don’t be fooled - only a crazy person would do such things. Being a pink vacuum cleaner, even in a ‘wooly world’ in no excuse for such disgusting behavior. If you put it in your mouth keep it there, don’t blow it out! Eww! We think we are playing this cute game, but Kirby is into some really weird stuff.
He is whiney and angsty, with a chip on his shoulder, and he has a poor attitude. He treats people around him poorly, but his only excuse is amnesia. What is the first thing this dude shows us - him blowing up a Mako plant. Isn’t Mako bad, don’t we learn Mako is poison? Mako is the stuff our EPA would say you can never dump in a river or bury in a land fill. And Cloud blows up a processing power plant full of the stuff! Wait, that means he is a domestic terrorist too. He is an angsty industrial saboteur. Oh, boo-hoo Aerith/Aeris died, but Cloud, we all saw you had Tifa on the side!
Oh, sure the game keeps making ist LOOK like the Princess is 'getting lost', but is she really running away? We can’t know, but you have to admit it raises some good questions. And, that sarcastic way he says, "Thanks Princess” as if he is not saying thanks at all…Insubordinate and Churlish! Link is douche-elf and we all know it.
Travis is a sexist, weird killer. His motel room (domicile) is decorated with professional wrestling and anime collectibles...need I say more? He doesn't earn his weapon, the beam katana, he wins it on an internet auction! Travis is like most of the dudes you meet a at college frat; he thinks he is cool and clever, but he really just a jacked up jerk. If there were a contest of douche bags Travis Touchdown would win hands down.
Okay, a lot of you never played "Enslaved: Odyssey to the West, but Trip (Tripitaka) is pretty bad. Right away in the first scene, Monkey just wants to get away and be free. But, she doesn’t want to get followed so she KEEPS trying to kill Monkey. Through his own effort, Monkey escapes and what does he get for his trouble? That Trip enslaves him! She puts a control collar on his neck and makes him fight robots! “Oh, Monkey, you are so big and strong and might hurt me” she says, but really she is just using him. And, slavery…that’s is just wrong...yes I said it she ‘enslaved’ him just like the game said. That is pretty low if you ask me.
Cole Phelps is worst cop ever. Cole was a lieutenant in the Unites States Marine Corps and je did something so terrible it even keeps him up at night. Then he becomes a cop, because of course he did, right? . And throughout the game Cole treats his wife pretty bad, and by pretty bad I mean bad by 1940s standards. And, what is his job like as a cop? Well he shooting perps in the back or flys-off-the-handle during interrogations. Also, his partners on the LAPD are pretty gross; they are sexist, racist, and crooked to the core. In video games, there are a lot of ‘bad cop’ characters, but Cole is not even good at catching bad guys. He is a very un-sympathetic protagonist.
Lara Croft went from killing animals in the first game – what does she have against bats - to killing people in the current games. And, this young woman seems to get off on torturing herself – she a cutter. I saw 1 foot of rebar goes through her liver, not an issue for this insane chick, she goes off to murder people. She does from seemingly a delightful young women to cold hearted killer in the span of 30 min of game. Lara Croft is one scary ‘lady’ for a Lady Croft!
John joined a gang that was led by a man named Dutch van der Linde - his first mistake in life. With friends like that, they of course shoot him in the back – pick better friends John! He then torture kills everyone else left alive in that gang over the course of that game for “The Feds”. And, folks, what he does to dead animals - it will turn you damn stomach. Moreover, we learn he is literally 1 mile away from his wife for the first half of the game and never sees her. What he does with his time is instead to make a plain faced women who owns a ranch fall in love with him. John Marston is more crooked than straight I tell ya!
We all know Nat's kink: Nathan Drake mass murders seemingly entire 3rd world countries. He’s a bad boyfriend too! But, damn it, everyone loves him. He kills so many people, with bullets, grenades, stuff he finds on the floor; but the son-of-a-bitch is smooth because everyone loves him. He even make witty quips while gunning people down. And, what is really his mission in these games? Well, it seems, he tries to steal priceless archaeological objects, but in doing so leads world class despots to these archaeological sites. Nate is a clumsy thief; but worse, in my book, a bad boyfriend.
