Horror Movie Odyssey: Day 3 - Friday the 13th Part VII

Previously On... Camp Crystal Lake

It has been a few years since I sat down to watch a Friday film and I had completely forgotten about the dumb opening montage that they insist on playing at the start of each film. I don’t need a five minute clip parade just so you can explain why Jason is chained to the bottom of Crystal Lake. We’re cool. Seriously.

Carrie Vs. Jason

After six Friday films, Jason had pretty much established that he does not take shit from teenagers. So how do you create tension? Who, you ask, can possibly give Jason a run for his money? Boom - psychic teenager. That sound you just heard was your mind being blown. What good is your over-sized machete when the blond girl can freaking mind-flay you? Tina Shepard is so hardcore that she murdered her own father after he bought her the Tenderheart Care Bear when she had clearly expressed her desire for the Funshine Care Bear. She is such a formidable enemy that the director gave Jason an upgrade. He is now an 8 foot tall monster. No, seriously, an actual monster. He has demon teeth and an evil yellow spine that protrudes from his jumpsuit.

Doctor Crews is an Asshole

That is not a strong enough statement. Here: He greatest asshole ever committed to celluloid. A veritable amalgam of every asshole you have ever met in your entire life. He is so out of control that not even the newly deceased are free from his dickery. When he stumbles across a dead body, he actually picks up the bloody murder weapon and points it menacingly at the dead guy’s face. What an asshole.

Jason Vorhees Cares Deeply About the Environment

Every victim of Jason has one thing in common: they are fucking up his lake. What stops the pothead from unleashing his heinous carbon footprint? Murder. Teens having sex in the van that gets 12 mpg tops? Murder. Naked girl in the lake that disturbs the lake turtle breeding hours? Murder. He is such a conservationist that he drags the girl from the lake after killing her. Waste not, want not. He was raised right. He may throw blood on you for wearing fur, but at least it will be your own blood.

Best. Death. Ever.

Twenty five minutes into the movie, Jason takes a girl in her sleeping bag and beats her to death against a tree. In any other film, this would be the ultimate kill. Jason will not be denied however, and actually manages to kill a poor girl with her own novelty party horn. I can't be certain, but a quick search at the Party Planet website leads me to believe that it may have been a Colorful Foil Party Horn, available in packs of 24 for the very reasonable price of $6.99..