G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Note: To be clear, this story is NOT TRUE. It's just fictional. 
 
It is August 13, 2009. Developers of GI Joe: The Rise or Cobra were accused of "License Abuse in the First Degree", with many haters stating that the game GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra is "a get-rich scheme which injures the integrity of electronic entertainment and is an insult to the videogame community." Millions of bucks were at stake, and the court case went back and forth, back and forth until there is a final showdown at the International Court of Gaming in The Link, Hyrule. Whoever wins the case here will win 100 trillion Zennies and could send either accuser or the accused into jail with a life sentence! 

After the lawyer for EA completed his summation, RayCarter, lawyer of the accuser, quietly stood up and walked to the center of the stage. He was a fin below 23, only into the business of law for about a couple of months. But he has raw talent, and the suers (seeing that they have a low budget to hire a lawyer) chosen him. He was circling, glasses steeped in sweat, around the center until the court was completely silent. When it was, he checked into his notes for brief moment, and began: 
 
"Gentlegamers, Grand Jurite, I shall use the remaining time to remind you that this case should not have been under stalement for 3 summers long. Backed by substantial evidence and encounters from witnesses, it is clear that the suspects has indeed been guilty of License Abuse in the First Degree." 
 
"The Rise of Cobra, our subject of debate, took place after the movie, although one might never suspect it. But even if it isn't, the story is shallow, confusing and difficult to understand. All you know is that the Cobra is up to trouble, and it's up to the GI Joe team to stop them...again. The game puts up no attempt to create any character development as well, let alone trying to fix up the mumble-jumble which the suspects call the plot." 
 
"Now, one could argue that the game shouldn't be under scrutiny if it could provide decent action. However, Rise of Cobra also fails in that regard as well. It's a 3rd person shooter with flawed basics and flawed basics only. You are holding the right trigger most of the time, blasting your way through dozens of soldiers, tanks and robots. Therefore the action is boring to begin with. Probably the only things that are fun is launching your enemy into the air and then shooting him while he is up there, or putting on the Accelerator Suits and dealing satanic hell to the opposition."
 
"There are other objects that aren't done correctly. For example, the camera seemed to be run by a monkey because no matter where you go, the camera always gives the worst possible perspective, as players always seem to be attacked by off-screen enemies and can't see what's in front of them. You are also given a targeting system which believes that a box is far more dangerous than a charging-at-you Storm Shadow because the player always seems to attack a bonus box first before attacking any REAL enemies (thank God you CAN switch targets). Then finally, the controls to take cover and to dodge-roll is also an abomination. You usually take cover when you want to roll and vice-versa, resulting in unneeded frustration and casualties on the battlefield." 
 
"The presentation in this game is also hurting bad. Characters look awful, environments look bland and voice-acting is a pain. The soundtrack is mediocre (the music while being in an accelerator suit is the high point), but you can't usually hear them since your guns are screaming and Cobra dudes keep on screaming or grunting." 
 
"The game attempts to hide its weaknesses by allowing the player to play as 10 characters (6 GI, 4 Cobra) and it has alot of unlockables, from near-laughable PSA announcements, 3 different difficulty levels, and concept art. But even so, gamers aren't stupid to bite the same awful bullet after they know what they will being doing for the majority of the game. In fact, the gaming community has expressed outrage on The Rise of Cobra. Kevin VanOrd, associate editor for Gamespot, gave the game a 4/10. IGN gave 5.8, and the average for the game from all reviews is a repulsive 5.1/10." 
 
"So it isn't just the proof that backs up the awfulness of this game, but it's also from the gamers who played it. The proof is clear. The arrows all point to the same thing: The fundamentals are screwed up, the graphics are awful, and overall the game is a mess. Gentlegamers, Grand Jurite, carpe diem, do your duty, and jail the suspects for the injustice they have done!" 
 
RayCarter coldly stared at the Gentlegamers (comprised of Cloud, Link, Zelda, Samus and Chrono) and the Grand Jurite (a PONG paddle), then went back to his seat and calmly sat down.  
 
Here's the Breakdown: 
Story: 1/5 
Not only is the story unineteresting, but it is also hard to understand. Talk about two flies on the soup... 
Gameplay: 1.5/5 
A game which doesn't even do the basics right: Poor controls, simple/boring gameplay, bad targeting system and arguably the worst camera ever in the history of video games. Also, no real checkpoints.
Presentation: 1.5/5 
Plastic characters that don't sound right, texture-less environments. Music that you can't hear and you won't really care to hear. Need I say more? 
Bonuses, alternatives, and replay value: 3.5/5 
The game does do something here, as you have 3 difficulty levels, 10 characters, PSA announcements, and concept art. Probably the only reasons why you should stay around such a bad game. 
Overall: 1.5 (not an average)  
A game which is near impossible to recommend. Only for absolute GI Joe fanatics and people who enjoy a twisted challenge.