Part 90: I Make Predictions That Are Hilarious In Hindsight

Why hello there! It has certainly been awhile since my last update regarding my progress with Final Fantasy VII. That said, here we are at what I fully intend to be the penultimate episode of my extensive examination of Final Fantasy VII. Before we embark on my incredibly long winded extrapolation let’s scribble down some predictions that I had before starting this episode. Now for those of you that may not be aware I have been recording a podcast with thatpinguino related to our adventures with Final Fantasy VII. This provides a possibly more coherent summary of my progress with this game...or at least I think. During the second episode of the podcast I made a series of prophetic predictions that I was convinced would occur during this play-through of the game. As you might expect, a vast majority of these predictions proved to be hilariously incorrect. So without further ado here they are:

1. The reason why Cloud occasionally has no control over his body, especially when confronted by Sephiroth, stems from the fact that he’s some sort of tube baby. Furthermore I suspect that he is related to Jenova in some way.
2. Cloud will be revealed to be one of the robed mutants from Nibelheim but unlike them he “made it,” and evolved to become a higher form of life compared to them.
3. Cloud will be continually haunted by Aeris’s ghost who will act as Cloud’s moral compass throughout the game.
4. The voice in Cloud’s head that has continually interrupted him is actually Zack. There’s no way that the game name dropped Zack earlier and does nothing with him. I am also going to guess that Zack is an Ancient on account of his relationship with Aeris.
5. Tifa will be the key towards revealing what actually happened in Nibelheim. I’m going to increase the “creep factor” and guess that Tifa is Cloud’s biological sister. I’m really going for the Star Wars connection here by the way.
6. We are done with Red XIII and are never going back to Cosmo Canyon.
7. Cid is CLEARLY going to pilot the rocket ship that is rusting away in Rocket Town. Now here’s my “Hail Mary,” we need the rocket ship in order to fight Jenova in space.
8. Cait Sith is being piloted by Rufus. Rufus in reality understands the importance of defeating Sephiroth. This means there will be a Rufus face turn at some point in the story.

Part 91: Let’s Honor Death With Monotony!

For those that don’t remember, we last ended on the scene of Cloud and company mourning the death of Aeris. It was an emotionally taut sequence that was without a doubt one of the game’s strongest moments. How does the game follow up such emotional gravitas you may ask? Why with a monotonous dungeon littered with random encounters that are pointless to the ultimate conclusion of the story! Oh and while we are at it why don’t we add in asinine mountain climbing minigames that are a portent for what is about to plague our existence in the near future?

I understand that any story cannot be a never-ending supply of dramatic plot-twists or action sequences. Moments of levity are always a welcomed addition in any good fantasy romp like this. However, I was honestly chomping at the bit for a clearly established mission objective that wasn’t as vague as “let’s chase after Sephiroth!” Not only that but the game stumbles when trying to build upon the momentum it created from Aeris’s death. Was this honestly the best way to introduce Disc Two? Disc Two of Final Fantasy VII takes its sweet ass time before it decides to get interesting. The main plot doesn’t really progress until a solid two or three set-pieces into it. Furthermore, it is a solid five set-pieces before you experience a level that ISN’T a horribly designed dungeon. Now add to that the fact that you are immediately subjected to a series of terrible minigames, and I think you can sympathize with my grousing.

Oh, and why are there random monsters in the cave next to the Forgotten Capital? There were no monsters in the capital itself, so what happened? Did the Ancients permanently exterminate all life from their former dwellings, but didn’t do anything with the cave right next to them? Did they invent “Raid Fast Kill?” I get that the developers wanted the capital to be free from random encounters for the purposes of the story. So why didn’t they extend that until the next set-piece? Let’s just say that I have a problem with how the game quickly transitions from the gripping death of Aeris to a random battle with a neon pink robot marmoset:

Part 92: The Secrets of Santa’s Workshop

Eventually the player ferrets their way on over to the Icicle Inn which for all intents and purposes is the literal polar opposite to Costa del Sol. Whereas Costa del Sol was a sunny beach paradise; Icicle Inn is a snowy winter wonderland. This just reeks of prototypical 90s era game design, and I honestly wouldn’t put it past this game to have an underwater or lava level at some point. Now all this joshing aside my original belief was that the whole purpose of the Icicle Inn local was to subject you to one of the worst minigames in all of human existence. Now I say “apparently” with a great deal of frustration and exasperation. Now you may be asking why I’m gnashing my teeth regarding an otherwise innocuous level. So, why don’t I show you a transcript of a conversation that I had with thatpinguino about this location? Hopefully this will be an enlightening experience for all involved:

Thatpinguino: Wait did you do everything at the Icicle Inn?

ZombiePie: Yes, including THE FUCKING GODDAMNED SNOWBOARDING MINIGAME!

ZombiePie: Also, FUCK THIS GLACIER LEVEL WHAT THE FUCK?!

Thatpinguino: Did you go to Professor Gast’s lab?

ZombiePie: OH I’M SORRY CLOUD BUT MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU ENTER THE NORTH POLE YOU SHOULD BUY A THERMAL COAT AT THE NEAREST STORE!

ZombiePie: Wait, WHAT?

Thatpinguino: Go back and find Professor Gast’s lab. There is some stuff there.

ZombiePie: But I’m two hours into the Great Glacier….

ZombiePie: ….

ZombiePie: Hold me….

ZombiePie: I’m so alone.

So it turns out that there is an OPTIONAL story important location at the Icicle Inn, and the game never tells you this information! Not only that, but said location can be entirely skipped if you managed to successfully dodge Elena’s punch! Did I also mention that if you miss this location you end up skipping numerous cutscenes that establish the history of the Cetra, as well as who Aeris’s parents are? On top of that, this is the only form of foreshadowing you get regarding the Weapons before their dramatic reveal. Worse yet, in order to view these cutscenes you have to interact with an inauspicious computer terminal that blends in with the background and doesn’t seem interactable in the first place. What a wonderful video game!

Now I feel like we have to discuss how the designers of Final Fantasy VII repeatedly misunderstand the difference between “Easter Eggs,” and “SHIT THAT IS CRITICAL TO THE FUCKING STORY!” It started with Vincent and Yuffie which are characters that add a certain level of depth to the ethos of the world. The same could be applied to the computer terminal at the Icicle Inn. These aren’t Easter Eggs; these are all story moments that I shouldn’t have to worry about missing out on! Now you may be asking for an example of what I consider to be an actual “Easter Egg,” and by God there actually are great examples of them in Final Fantasy VII! Take Junon Harbor as just one example. While Cloud is dressed up as a Shinra soldier if you mosey into some of the surrounding buildings you can locate the Turks just relaxing at a bar. That’s a fun little Easter Egg that adds “flavor” that isn’t entirely necessary to witness in order to enjoy or process the story.

Anyways, let’s get back to brass tax and discuss the actual “worth” of the cutscenes at Professor Gast’s lab. Overall I quite enjoyed them and how they simultaneously provided background information regarding Jenova and the Cetra, as well as enlightened us about Aeris’s early upbringing. Now that isn’t to say that you see a young Aeris playing with a young Zack or Cloud in an orphanage...because that would be terrible. Instead you witness Gast and Ifalna doting over an infant Aeris, and understand that things will eventually turn tragic. When things do turn for the worse it further highlights how Aeris’s death is all the more heartbreaking. Beyond Aeris you also learn more about how Jenova is an alien monster and how significant a risk she poses to all life on the planet. As part of her quest for world domination, Jenova infected the Cetra with a horrible virus that devastated their ranks. In response the planet was forced to summon “Weapons” in order to protect it from further damage. Now I’m going to avoid picking away at the minutia here any further on account of how straightforward the narrative is regarding this bit. What I will remark about is how much more intelligible and cohesive the storytelling here is, versus the exposition dump at the Temple of the Ancients. That’s right everyone, an optional cutscene is far more clear and cohesive than a story required one.

Part 93: The Goddamned Bullshit Snowboarding Minigame

Now that we had a bit of fun learning more about the deeper machinations of the story it’s time for anyone playing Final Fantasy VII to eat a crock of shit! So get this, the Icicle Inn is a snow level. With that in mind the developers decided to sneak in what I can only describe to be the game’s worst minigame yet. I would even hazard a guess and decry it as THE WORST MINIGAME I HAVE EVER PLAYED. That’s right everyone, it’s time for Cloud to snowboard down a perilous mountain cliff. How perilous is this particular mountain cliff? Why it’s populated by white chocobos, snowmen that look like Moogles, and giant rolling snowballs that come from nowhere.

Oh and better yet, you have to contend with some of the most excruciating keyboard controls I have ever seen in my entire life:

So not only is this scene a stupid mess, but it’s also an uncontrollable stupid mess. At some point I honestly stopped caring about running into walls as well as the various obstacles in my way. Despite there being a timer on the screen there’s no reward for clearing the snowboarding level cleanly, or quickly for that matter. This causes me to once again question its necessity. Why can’t I just have another dungeon? What’s so wrong with that? Oh and how the fuck are Cloud’s party members tagging along with him while he snowboards? Are they following him as he crashes into trees and Chocobos?

Now after prompting various community members about this minigame I quickly discovered that there’s really no salvaging this atrocity. To that effect it is one of Final Fantasy VII’s hazing rituals that everyone just stomachs through. This and the marching minigame highlight some real quandaries that the Final Fantasy VII Remake will have to eventually confront. Do you include these minigames, and preserve their narrative shattering glory, or do you try to replace them and jeopardize the intent and tone of the original game? Stuff like Cloud on a motorcycle will be an easy fix, but this and shit like the dolphin minigame really do not do Final Fantasy VII any favors. Need I remind you that less than two hours ago the game practically poured its heart out when Aeris died? Now look at what we are doing! You can call me a hypocrite, but it was wrong to include these minigames in Final Fantasy VII back then, and it would be wrong to include them in the Remake.

Part 94: The Goddamned Bullshit Great Glacier Level

Top on my list of things that I hate in Final Fantasy games is timed missions. So lo’ and behold the game decides to thrust me into an environment that is entirely a timed mission. Oh gee willikers, Disc Two of Final Fantasy VII really does know how to impress a lady! Now I know that it sounds like I’m grousing for the sake of grousing, but at this point Disc Two is whiffing massively regarding its progression of the story. As a result, there are a myriad of issues that I found irksome about the Great Glacier location. Nonetheless, I do wish to capitulate that many of my complaints stem from the era this game was made. Many of my questions simply put did not have easy and viable solutions back during the time in which this game was being developed. With that aside let’s nail my “Ninety-five Theses” about the location.

Firstly, the level design for the Great Glacier is heinous. Not only are the levels the same monotonous monochromatic color palette, but the player is expected to navigate through them using one of the worst maps in video game history:

Another gut punch stems from the fact that whenever the player moves from one location to the next they are treated to a “transitional” level before moving to their intended location. The problem here is that the transitional screen is the exact same level every single time. This causes the player to oftentimes unnecessarily question their navigational decision making and increasing their odds of getting lost. Including these screens also arbitrarily increases the number of steps the party takes while navigating the Great Glacier.

However, the ultimate issue with the Great Glacier has already been mentioned: it is a timed level. Regardless of where the player starts out they have a limited number of steps to make before passing out and then being teleported to Mr. Holzoff’s cabin. How do you know that your ability to forage through the Great Glacier is limited? You don’t. Does the game surface how many steps you can take before passing out? Nope! Do your party members warn the player that they are getting progressively colder, experiencing hypothermia, or should seek out shelter soon? Get out of here with that nonsense!

This is all a shame because there is some good shit to be had at the Great Glacier, but every step of the way the game discourages any notions of exploration. First and foremost the “Added Cut” Materia is AMAZING! Holy shit, the “Added Cut” Materia may well be my favorite Support Materia thus far. Most often I pair it up with the “Deathblow” Materia to whoever does the most physical damage in my party, and overall I have found this combination to be a GODSEND. Oh and you also pick up a “Safety Belt” as well as the Alexander Summon Materia.

Part 95: THE GODDAMNED BULLSHIT MOUNTAIN CLIMBING MINIGAME!

Hooray, we made it out of the Great Glacier in one piece! I hope that means you are prepared for another one-off minigame that has a distinct interface and control scheme that will never be seen again!

Here’s another issue that I have with all of the minigames in Final Fantasy VII. As I suggested earlier in jest, each of these minigames have their own interface and control set-ups. This in turn means that a previous minigame in no way prepares you for the next. There’s no gameplay commonality between the minigames, and instead they all feel like each one was created by a development team isolated from the other. Perfecting the mechanics of the motorcycle minigame in no way prepared me for the Dolphin flinging minigame; thus the snowboarding minigame did nothing to prepare me for the mountain climbing minigame. There’s no sense of cohesion between these moments, and as such they feel more out of place than they normally would.

In this case Cloud and his motley crew are confronted by two sheer cliff faces. In turn Cloud decides to summit them using nothing but his bare hands. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME KIDS! Whenever the player is tasked with summiting a cliff their screen is immediately emblazoned with a temperature gauge that depicts Cloud’s internal body heat. Oh gee...that sounds like it would have been immensely useful to the player in the previous level. Regardless, the player is forced to spend minutes of their precious time mashing on buttons so is that Cloud can avoid succumbing to hypothermia.

By the way you still need to navigate in and out of a perilous cavern system while this is happening. Increasing the “fun levels,” is the fact that the cavern system is populated by some of the hardest monsters in the entire game. Why do I say this? Because the caverns have Marlboros which are always happy to cast “Bad Breath” on every member of your party. These baddies are complemented by the more common, but equally annoying Stilva. The cliffs and caverns are linear enough with a few puzzles interspersed here and there. However the whole affair is made untenable because of these utterly fucked random encounters.

Part 96: The Dumbest Boss Battle In Video Game History

“But ZombiePie,” you squeal! “The Icicle Inn, snowboarding, and mountain climbing must lead to something. This is all in the name of tracking down Sephiroth and bringing him to justice for killing Aeris!” Well yes it is, but the end goal and direction isn’t the issue here; the pacing is what is holding back Disc Two for the most part. The story promises to the player that it is about to showcase its crescendo, but time and time again it fails to make good on that promise. Instead of immediately confronting Sephiroth I am instead climbing cliffs. Instead of offing another Jenova monster I am instead stuck dealing with giant insectoids. I want to share you some art that I whipped up for the purposes of this blog. Below I have the musical symbol that signifies “Crescendo.”

That is ultimately how the plot of Final Fantasy VII should play out at this point. At the very beginning we have a focus point and as the story progresses it slowly but deliberately opens up. There are ascending as well as complementary actions that are adding to the overall drama that the story started with, which in this case would have been Aeris’s death. This is simple “Storytelling 101” so to speak. However, for some reason the people who wrote Final Fantasy VII decided to completely ignore this. Instead of crescendoing the story its structure ends up feeling more like this:

When the story finally kicks into gear it does so like a child that is kicking and screaming in a supermarket. It knows that it should have gotten its act together earlier, but it just didn’t want to. Now as you may have noticed I did not include the cavern as an ascending action on my graph. I feel summarily confident in this placement, and do you want to know why? Because there are a series of boss battles in the cavern that pit you against giant anthropomorphic icicles.

You have to deal with these “masterful” uses of pixels four times...FOUR TIMES! That’s just savage, that's Randy Savage! I get that this game was made in the 1990s but there have been plenty of great looking bosses that blow these horrendous icicles out of the water. So real quick, please raise your hand if you enjoyed the boss battles with the giant anthropomorphic icicles. Okay...keep those hands up...right then. Every single one of you that has their hands raised, including you over there, WE CAN’T BE FRIENDS ANYMORE! Oh and after fighting these icicles you have to deal with a two-headed dragon. Because it’s not like 60% of all of the bosses in this game are dragons!

Part 97: The Promise Land Is A Figurative and Literal Plot Hole

All right so let me get this straight. The lauded and fabled “Promised Land” that Shinra has been attempting to locate since its foundation was actually underneath a gigantic crater. Not only that, but this gigantic crater also happens to glow and eject a massive plume of energy into the atmosphere. Oh and it just so happens to be located near a mostly developed village that serves as the world’s winter resort town.

How did the college educated adults leading Shinra manage to never find this place? Not only is the damned northern crater NOT an innocuous location, but there’s also a literal army of failed Sephiroth clones that are diligently marching towards it. Why didn’t Shinra send a team of Turks to track where the Sephiroth clones were going? Wouldn’t tracking the mutants at least help them in locating Sephiroth? It’s not like Sephiroth has indicated a pro-Shinra stance to everyone involved. What with the pointless murder of the previous President of Shinra and all.

Repeatedly the game indicated that the “Promised Land” was a fabled location that many have attempted and failed to locate. We are led to believe that Shinra has spent millions on their search, and exhausted countless manhours as a result. Now here we see a crater that seems completely impossible to ignore. Oh and speak of the devil! It appears that Shinra managed to actually piece together everything that I just mentioned. How convenient is that?

Part 98: What The Fuck Is Shinra’s Deal?

No really, what the fuck has Shinra been doing for the last hour of so in the game? I get that they have been preparing the Highwind to take them to the crater, but what the fuck have they been doing since? How did they know to explore the crater in their quest to locate the Promised Land? At no point does the game establish the steps towards Shinra’s “discovery!” As such, their accomplishment feels utterly unearned, and another despicable example of “plot by convenience.” Here Shinra found the location of the Promised Land because the story needed them to.

WAAAAELL LAA DE FRICKIN' DA! It’s almost as if Cloud should have killed or incapacitated Hojo back when he had the opportunity to do so at Costa del Sol. Nonetheless, how the fuck did Hojo manage to get his job back in Shinra? Weren’t his “projects” on Jenova dramatically revealed to be a part of his deceit against Shinra’s upper-management? Haven’t all of Hojo’s character moments firmly established him as having his own motivations that are completely contrary to Shinra’s? Why the fuck does Rufus trust Hojo when all of Hojo’s experiments have resulted in failure or the destruction of Shinra’s property?

Wait a minute, let’s go back to Hojo’s motivations for a minute. Doesn’t Hojo know more about Sephiroth and the Jenova Project than any other member of Shinra’s board of directors? Why hasn’t Shinra interrogated, or even tortured, any of that information out of Hojo? Eventually we will witness the executives at Shinra discussing how eliminating Sephiroth is one of their top priorities. All the same in that exact scene they continue to talk about Sephiroth as if he’s this otherworldly being that they know absolutely nothing about! Hey assholes! Your answer is staring you directly at your face and laughing at you!

Part 99: What The Fuck is The Deal With Sephiroth and Jenova?

Okay so this has been bothering me FOREVER, but is Sephiroth under the influence of Jenova, or is it the other way around? I only ask because the game tends to alternate between the two without realizing the immediate contradiction that this poses. In one scene we will bear witness to Jenova taunting Cloud calling him a “puppet.” This will then be complemented with Sephiroth cutting off one of her body parts in order to create a Jenova monster. Which in turn suggests that he is the one manipulating her. Oh and is Hojo working alongside Sephiroth and Jenova? He’s spent so much time rambling on about the two that I honestly do not understand if he’s working for someone, or if he’s an entirely independent force.

Their end goals also seem contradictory, or at least that’s my impressions of them. Sephiroth wishes to summon a giant meteor whose impact will unleash a massive influx of energy. Because Sephiroth is an expert on things that have NEVER HAPPENED he knows that this will turn him into an omnipotent god-like being. Jenova on the other hand wishes to infect everyone with a virus which will allow it to control or kill anyone it manages to infect. So yeah...they don’t exactly have the same end goal, and that’s a problem. If Jenova wasn’t already conveniently Sephiroth’s “mother” of sorts, then there’s no logical reason why these two forces would be working together.

So really, which one is calling the shots? I consistently highlight this as a recurring problem because it means that our two ultimate villains seem ever so aimless for much of the story. Their motivations for working together aren’t firmly established beyond their literal blood relationship. Worse yet, their end goals end up coming across as the most hackneyed anime-esque part of the entire story. What should be a simple unifying raison d'etre comes across as an Akira Toriyama fever dream.

Part 100: Oh Great...It’s Time For The Story to Get Stupid

Well it was bound to happen sooner or later. At some point the story was bound to become an overcomplicated melodrama. It is a Final Fantasy game after all! Now hear me out before I devolve into the nit picky asshole that I am. There are parts and pieces from the crater scene that I think are masterfully done. The problem that I ultimately have is that there was very little foreshadowing and buildup to what is eventually revealed to the audience there. Certainly you develop the hunch that Cloud is being manipulated, and Sephiroth is somehow able to exert some type of control over him. That, and there’s some freaky shit going down with Jenova and her origins. That all aside, I honestly felt that the game’s answers to most of the questions that it posed to its audience to be deflating and unsatisfying...at least initially.

I feel that up to this point while their abilities were certainly framed in a more fantastical context, Sephiroth and Cloud were characters grounded in some form of reality. Instead of honoring this thematic the game decides to become wacky. The dramatic reveals at the crater felt dubious at best. Characters are thrust into drama for the sake of it regardless if it makes narrative sense or not. As I pined about earlier, I have enjoyed Final Fantasy VII the most when it deeply melds the narrative with its cast of characters. Cloud confronting what appeared to be his post-traumatic stress disorder is a compelling concept by itself. There’s no need to complicate that simple but compelling premise with all of this Sephiroth clone nonsense.

The first baffling moment occurs when it is revealed that the Sephiroth you have encountered during your journey wasn’t actually Sephiroth. I get that who/what we fought wasn’t actually Sephiroth, but if it wasn’t a hologram then how was it able to fly and teleport through walls? The first time you see this “fake” Sephiroth is on the cargo ship, and there it manifests through the floor. How was it able to do that? Let’s just say “a wizard did it” and move on.

And don’t even get me started about the “Sephiroth Clones,” because I have no idea what that was all about. So if you inject an alien’s blood into a human-being they can transform into Sephiroth...or that’s what I think. If I got a lady pregnant, and injected Jenova's cells into her fetus, would our baby become Sephiroth? Is the real Sephiroth, actually “Sephiroth?” Did the blood cells make Sephiroth, or was he always himself? Why is it that Jenova’s body parts can easily take the shape of Sephiroth? Is Sephiroth using Jenova’s body parts to create clones of himself? Do these cells want to take the shape of Sephiroth? Why do they want to take the shape of Sephiroth? Can Sephiroth assume control over any of the Sephiroth Clones that we saw earlier? I have to stop asking questions that either don’t have answers, or if they do they have shitty unsatisfying answers I’d rather not know. Speaking of which….

Part 101: I Take It All Back...I Don’t Want To Know Anymore About Cloud’s Backstory

No really, just “ugh!” Alright, so I guess someone at Square really wanted to send Cloud down the deep end so to speak. Whoever that person is they did it in the most heavy-handed fashion possible. The scene where Cloud and Tifa enter the illusion of Nibelheim that Sephiroth created caused me to question my previous enjoyment of Final Fantasy VII. I honestly don’t know how I feel about this game anymore. Certainly in hindsight I can say that the game manages to rectify many of the more problematic aspects of this scene, but then what was it in service of? The game very much loses whatever sense of grounded reality I previously enjoyed in the past, but then it tries to backtrack on its own insanity. It’s almost as if the writers here wanted to provide the audience with a plot twist and then immediately recognized how stupid their plot twist was. The game introduces an insane new direction, but then fails to commit to that new direction, and I don’t know if that’s praiseworthy or open to condemnation.

For the past twenty or so hours Final Fantasy VII has been repeatedly trying to frame Cloud as a “flawed” hero, and also as an unreliable narrator. This in and of itself isn’t off-putting; especially considering that up to this moment the game has done wonders to try to build the audience's sympathy towards Cloud’s trauma and tragedy. When Cloud lost control of his faculties and surrendered the Black Materia to Sephiroth, or as he mourned the death of Aeris, I certainly felt for him to a certain extent. The big looming question then was why any of this happened. At this point I feel confident in saying that I was slightly disappointed by the game’s answer to this looming question.

What occurs in the crater with the crystallized Sephiroth serves a very clear purpose. However, I found that purpose to be very heavy-handed and painfully transparent. I knew that when Sephiroth started to play out the events of the Nibelheim Incident that the story was going to get bonkers, and lo’ and behold it did. Sephiroth espouses that Cloud is not only a Sephiroth Clone himself, but a reject that Hojo discarded as trash. As the evidence begins to mount that Sephiroth is correct Cloud loses his will to resist his influence. This is the moment when things begin to “break” for me. Firstly, what ends up causing Cloud’s breakdown is never clearly established within the game. Repeatedly Cloud assures himself and Tifa that he is ignoring everything that Sephiroth is saying and is “fine.” But then it’s revealed that he isn’t and he just surrenders to Sephiroth’s deceit without any real warning. Additionally, Tifa has the ability to prevent Cloud’s downfall but elects not to.

In fact, let’s discuss that last point in greater detail. It bears mentioning that while all of this is happening Tifa is the vessel to assuaging and preventing Cloud’s breakdown. She is Cloud’s only genuine key to his past. So what does she do? She does absolutely nothing and allows Sephiroth to exert complete control over Cloud. Why does she let that happen? Because the story needed Cloud to have a redemptive story arc where Tifa and Cloud work together to discover Cloud’s true origins together. Does this redemptive story arc work? Absolutely, and it almost redeems the game from many of my previously mentioned criticisms. Is this messy as FUCK storytelling? Oh you bet your ass it is, but at least the spectacle is nice to look at.

Part 102: Everyone Sucks at Preventing the Apocalypse

Now I have had my fill of picking on Tifa for not doing her part in preventing the Apocalypse, but she’s not the only one that bears some brunt of the blame! Whoever you elect to pass the Black Materia to, which in my case was Barret, royally fucks their job up! Because SURPRISE, Sephiroth manages to re-acquire the magical MacGuffin that he relinquished to our troupe of heroes five minutes ago! Then why did Sephiroth hand over the MacGuffin in the first place? Because the game needed to have a heavy-handed moment where Cloud hands over the MacGuffin to Sephiroth personally, and thus sending him into an emotional abyss. This is the crux of my distaste for everything that occurs in the northern crater. The story is set into motion not via a natural flow, but instead brutally blunt necessity. The intent of every occurrence here is horribly transparent, and thus lacking any sense of surprise or emotional gravitas.

Somehow Sephiroth is able to take the form of Tifa in order to deceive Barret into surrendering the Black Materia to Cloud. Using his illusory magic skills he’s also able to knock-out everyone else in your party without lifting so much as a finger. F..fine, let’s just accept that Sephiroth has magical powers at the northern crater and move on. Oh but wait there’s more! Both Tifa and Barret are in the same room where Cloud surrenders the Black Materia to a crystallized Sephiroth! They just sit there as this happens and do nothing to stop Cloud.

Then there’s Shinra...which does nothing to apprehend Cloud, or any of his party members. A few scenes ago we were lead to believe that our company of heroes where among the most wanted criminals in the world. Here Rufus and Scarlet act non-plussed at seeing them. In fact, it looks like Rufus is just accompanied to the Promised Land with just Scarlet and Hojo. WAIT WHAT, WHY? Why would you trust the creepy doctor who has been doing science experiments behind your back? Where are the Turks or at least Shinra’s levies? Rufus just happens to be the president of the most hated and reviled corporation in the world. Yet here he is waltzing into the scene with no form of security. What the fuck is that shit all about? Why did Rufus and Scarlet just let Cloud surrender the Black Materia to Sephiroth? To be honest, the same could be asked of Tifa and Barret. Did Tifa and Barret just all of the sudden forget the importance of the Black Materia? There’s a painfully obvious answer to all of these questions, but it brings me great discomfort to say it: the script needed them to.

Part 103: Someone Please Make It Stop...This Game is About to Give Me An Aneurysm

Okay fine, so let’s just assume that I was able to accept the “spectacle,” and turned off my neurotic tendency to hyper-analyze this game’s story structure. Even if I accomplished that I still find it difficult to stomach through the story revelation that Cloud is a clone of Sephiroth. I understand that the game will eventually “rectify” this revelatory moment, but that’s an insane proposition in and of itself. As I have already mentioned before, the sheer absurdity that this game scaffolds itself towards one story direction, and then immediately scraps that scaffold in order to go in a completely new direction, is beyond baffling.

The fact that the game completely trashes everything that happens in the northern crater makes it more difficult for me to truly grasp what happened there. Like how is the crystallized Sephiroth able to control the apparition of Sephiroth that we have encountered earlier in our journey? Is he able to just transfer his consciousness into any Sephiroth clone? Or is he controlling Jenova’s body parts? Speaking of Sephiroth, what’s the deal with Hojo? How does he know so much about Sephiroth? Are his allegiances aligned with Sephiroth’s? When he babbles on about the “Reunion Experiment” was that conducted while he was a scientist at Shinra? What does Hojo gain from conducting this experiment? Why does the game pose all of these questions to the player, and then waits for three hours to answer all of them? Why are some of the answers to these questions hidden behind secret cutscenes that you have to find in locations you have already been to?

I’m honestly grasping at straws here in trying to understand the intent of adding all of this bullshit to the story. I mean this both figuratively and literally. Foremost, why does Cloud just immediately buy into Sephiroth’s deceit? Doesn’t the fact that Tifa has longstanding childhood memories of Cloud immediately place Sephiroth’s tale into question? I really do need to stop asking these questions. As mentioned before this set-piece is all about providing a spectacle that sets up a succeeding scene. Additionally there are moments at the northern crater that I quite enjoyed. For example, the scene where Cloud apologizes to the cast before he succumbs to Sephiroth’s influence is impeccable. As the viewer you really do sense a feeling of resignation on the part of Cloud as he apologizes for what is about to happen. Beyond moments like those where the inner drama feels genuine the crater is an otherwise messy and hilariously transparent story moment that does the game no favors.

Part 104: Oh Hey There Are Giant Monsters in This Story...Sure Why Not

Hold the presses...you mean to tell me that there’s ANOTHER collection of enemies in this game that act independently from the pre-existing factions in this game?

So level with me for one minute as we break down what the “Weapons” are. The planet of Final Fantasy VII recognizes that it’s getting fucked up, and just summons an army of gigantic monsters in order to stop its suffering. As a result, the monsters just end up making a beeline for the most advanced cities on the planet. This is despite the fact that Sephiroth is very clearly the reason why they were summoned in the first place, and the most pressing threat to the planet. Yet, for reasons that are beyond the audience they just start attacking and killing innocent civilians that have no idea what’s going on. In defiance of all reasonable logic the player is still expected to sympathize with the planet and it’s dire situation.

The planet and Lifestream are an amorphous concept in Final Fantasy VII. It exerts significant control over the flow of the story on some occasions, and on other occasions it seems utterly helpless. Worse yet, the “Weapons,” as they are referred to as in the game, are simply terrible at their jobs. Some can be found wandering aimlessly in certain environments, and others are defeated with relative ease within a cutscene that you have no control over. Boy that sure sounds like a great use of my goddamned precious time.

It’s a real shame how poorly utilized the Weapons are because I genuinely relished how intricately designed they were. Each weapon represents a different era or aesthetic of Japanese Kaiju design. It’s clear that a great deal of time and care went into these monsters, but that time and care is all for naught. You have a somewhat clear idea what their raison d'etre is, but no understanding as to how their actions are accomplishing their reason for being. These nitpicks are dancing around the empyreal issue that I have with them. Does the game honestly need yet another faction to impede the progress of the primary cast? Did this game really need another batch of hostile enemies with a half-baked storyline? Thus, my final impression of the Weapons is depressingly pessimistic. They are most likely here because someone at Square wanted to create some impressive CGI cutscenes in the game. Nothing more, nothing less.

Part 105: Oh Shut the Fuck Up Tifa

Now that the fireworks show has subsided we can get back to Final Fantasy VII trying to convince us that its story is a character drama. To the game’s defense it’s “character moments” are usually the high points in its story. Unfortunately the expositional scene that occurs on the Highwind between Tifa and Barret is not one of those high-points. Here Barret summarizes what has happened while Tifa was afflicted by a story convenient Tolstoy-esque coma. Meanwhile you witness Tifa recalling how she met up with Cloud in Midgar for the first time. The problem that I have with this scene is how it inadvertently casts Tifa under the specter of neglect. On multiple occasions she knew that something was afflicting Cloud, but never once worked with him to address this issue.

This problem is only partially addressed in a pending scene that the player is about to witness, but its existence has multiple reasons for existing. Firstly, throughout Disc One players are thrust into a “dating” mechanic that effectively blocks the player from interacting with any of the possible romance options extensively. If Tifa had surfaced her feelings and memories to Cloud this would have moved the audience to feel obligated to view her has the “canon” romance option, when oddly enough the game wants Aeris to fill that role. The second reason stems from Final Fantasy VII’s detestable pacing. It almost feels as if the developers very much had five story based scenes mapped out from the very beginning. The awkward juxtapositions from the Forgotten Capital, northern crater, Mideel, and finally Cloud’s subconsciousness suggests that the developers had a clear vision for where they wanted to go with story. However, they struggled to naturally lead the story to their envisioned locations.

What I found especially groan inducing is when Tifa repeatedly asks about Cloud’s status, and expresses regret on having not done enough to protect him. I just...I just can’t even. I can’t even begin to describe how angry this dialogue made me. To make matters worse Tifa continually justifies her inaction by saying she wasn’t ready to surface the truth to Cloud. What the fuck are you talking about Tifa? You clearly knew from the very beginning that Cloud was afflicted by some sort of trauma, and did nothing to redress this. PLUS you had weeks and months to re-acclimate yourself to Cloud! So what is this Tifa, a Dave Pelzer book? But AGAIN, once we accept the spectacle for what it is, and ignore its superficiality, we can enjoy it in a more positive context. That said, I’m growing tired of having to ignore Final Fantasy VII’s more perfunctory elements in order to appreciate its inner drama.

Part 106: Shinra is Back to Being Evil...Again

It appears that yet again my prophetic predictions pontificating upon what I thought would occur in Final Fantasy VII have proven to be positively false. I still honestly believe that Shinra and Rufus would have better served the story if they underwent a face turn. Rufus indicating that the actions of himself, as well as his father, were all in the name of preparing the planet would have added depth and context to Shinra’s behavior. Instead, what the game does is have Shinra continue to serve as its moustache twirling villain even though this role is woefully redundant. We have an assortment of monsters running amok and somehow Shinra is going to continue to tow the line of being this maniacally evil corporation.

I can only assume that the men and women running Shinra are college educated social elites, but goodness do they behave like complete morons in this game. They are only maybe a step above Zorg from The Fifth Element. To their credit at least Shinra attempts to do something about the meteor and giant monsters devastating their Mako reactors. Beyond that it’s downright laughable how they refuse to recognize the ills of their ways. You sure can’t enjoy being the king of the mountain if the world is on fire and everyone is dead! To that note it is just painful that we need to subject ourselves to another wacky and ridiculous Shinra scene. We have now had multiple scenes where the party members need to beat a hasty retreat from Shinra’s clutches. Every single time that this has happened the story has delved into its more zanier elements, and this scene is no exception.

Now I call this entire scene into question for a very specific reason. In Advent Children the film attempts to provide Rufus with a redemptive story arc where it is even suggested that his actions were “misunderstood.” Right then...here’s a screencap of him ordering Tifa to be executed via gas chamber:

Now here is a screencap of Rufus referring to the everyday citizenry on the planet as “ignorant”:

Finally, here’s a screencap of him mockingly teasing Barret and Tifa as they are being transported to the gas chamber:

Part 107: SURPRISE! A Dramatic Set Piece is Ruined By Hokey Anime Storytelling!

So what stupid ass cartoony shit does the game manage to pull off this time around? Well first off we have Cait Sith bursting his way to our rescue after revealing that he was dressed up as a reporter! The Shinra guards have certainly always been incompetent, but this is a new low even for them. It is also worth mentioning that Yuffie is able to sneak into the Shinra base dressed as a reporter, but at least she’s a ninja AND human. The overall absurdity of all of this is complimented with how Tifa eventually breaks out of the gas chamber, because OF COURSE a guard dropped the key to her shackles!

The minigame wherein Tifa is tasked with squirming around in order to ferret the key to her shackles is simply excruciating and not worth talking about. What is worth discussing is how Tifa could beat Guybrush Threepwood in a breath holding contest. She practically is able to hold her breath for what I can only assume is at least half an hour. When she finally does exit the gas chamber she simply nonchalantly brushes off her possible universe shattering accomplishment as if nothing significant has occurred. That right there is the mark of a true champion. All the while Barret and Cait Sith attempt to break Tifa out of her chamber once, but after their attempt fails they decide to just leave her in order to hitch a ride on the Highwind.

While all of this cartoony shit is happening the station where Tifa and Barret are set to be executed is under attack by one of the Weapons. As you attempt to exit the base you watch as guns and rockets clatter against the impenetrable armor on this monstrosity. The game establishes a sense of fear that these Weapons are not to trifled with and do pose an immediate threat to your progress. I found all of these cutscenes to be awe inspiring and effective in establishing the awesome threat that the weapons present to the surrounding world and your party. That is until the game decides to kill said weapon without nary a care in the world.

Part 108: QUIZ TIME! What Would You Do?

As I mentioned the game does a lot to establish these monsters as being enormous threats that will eventually require immediate intervention. Then like clockwork the game manages to emasculate the Weapons of this awesome terror. Let’s play a quick game before we move onto picking apart Final Fantasy VII’s story. Now for the purposes of this game I want you to role play as a giant amphibious monster. Oh let’s say something that looks like this:

Now here’s the predicament that you have found yourself in. As this giant monster you REALLY want to destroy this giant artillery cannon that has a conveniently long reload time. For convenience sake let’s call this enormous cannon “Big Bertha.” Back to the subject at hand, you really want to destroy Big Bertha for personal reasons. As you know it’s a rather large phallic weapon that has the possibility of killing you. So needless to say it needs to go, but my question to you is simple: how would you go about destroying Big Bertha? Would you:

Option A.) Doge Big Bertha’s latest salvo by swimming in a serpentine direction and destroy it as it is re-loading.

Option B.) Move two or three soccer fields to the left or right of Big Bertha and take advantage of its inability to shift its aim in those directions, and then destroy it from a distance.

Option C.) Charge up your atomic breath underwater and pop out of the water in the opposite direction Big Bertha is facing before blowing it away.

Option D.) Charge Big Bertha directly before standing up in front of it and open your mouth, which is the only weak part of your body, onto its muzzle.

So which of these choices did you pick? My personal pick would be Option C, but Option A sounds good as well.

Part 109: Scarlet is Terrible At Her Job

I have essentially accused every Shinra executive of being incompetent at their job, and now it is time to pick on Scarlet again. After getting chloroform sprayed on her face by Cait Sith good old Scarlet decides to make it her life's mission to apprehend Tifa. It goes without saying that Scarlet’s commitment towards executing Tifa is a wee bit short sighted. Firstly, we have to consider that a giant monster has essentially wrecked the Shinra base Scarlet was just located in. Secondly there are a handful of Cloud’s party members running amok on this Shinra base relatively unimpeded. Finally we have to recognize that while Scarlet is busy chasing after Tifa the rest of Cloud’s party, led by Cid, manage to organize a mutiny aboard the Highwind. With that all considered I suspect that it would have been in Scarlet’s best interest to give up chasing after Tifa. Especially when we consider that the Highwind is one of Shinra’s most prized possessions. We have to remember that way back on Disc One it was plainly clear to the audience that Shinra had been repairing the Highwind for months. So why in the world do they just let it get stolen? Why doesn’t Shinra ever attempt to take back the Highwind?

We are then treated to what I can only describe to be one of the most ridiculous slap fights in video game history. Scarlet manages to force Tifa into a dead-end which just happens to be precariously on top of “Big Bertha.” Despite being accompanied by fully-armed Shinra soldiers Scarlet decides to try and confront Tifa physically...one-on-one. That sounds like an excellent idea Scarlet! You are a high-heel wearing business executive, and Tifa is an expert in karate whose only attack happens to involve punching things with her fists. Oblivious of this fact the game plays out the confrontation between Scarlet and Tifa as a duel between equals that is completed by mashing buttons.

After knocking some sense into Scarlet she just ends up fleeing from the scene...despite the fact that she had two fully-armed Shinra guards right next to her. If defeating and executing Tifa was so important to her then why didn’t she just order the Shinra soldiers by her side to open fire? Before anyone has the opportunity to apply logic, Tifa hears a voice that advocates that she jump off of the cannon. As she does so the Highwind rises to the scene and Tifa grabs hold of a cable that Barret is towing from its deck.

Part 110: OH BOY! IT’S TIME FOR A DEUS EX MACHINA! WHAT A WONDERFUL STORY!

Not only does Tifa have the ability to hold her breath for hours upon end, but she also appears to have unfathomable upper body strength. She climbs the cable she latched onto with relative ease without so much as breaking a sweat. We enter the Highwind to discover that Cid has complete control in captaining the Highwind. There are no issues to report of; nor are there any Shinra sympathizers on the Highwind. All of the former Shinra employees are just shiny happy people ready to support our party in their journey to stop whatever comes in their way. Boy, where do I even begin with my nitpicking?

Okay...so I guess it was really convenient that Barret somehow knew exactly where Tifa was in order to rescue her. It’s entirely plausible that he knew that the giant monster from earlier would blow a hole in her cell, and she would be chased by Scarlet to the end of the giant cannon. That seems well within the purview of reasonable logic. It’s equally reasonable that Shinra treated the staff of the Highwind so poorly that they were all universally willing to commit treason against the most powerful corporation in the world. Speaking of which I guess we can count our stars that Shinra didn’t place any of their elite guards on the Highwind.

It doesn’t help that the game fails to surface what it wants you to do next in order to progress the story. There are rampaging monsters, an ominously descending meteor, a brooding Sephiroth, and the ever maniacal Shinra exerting influence over the populace. Boy, what’s a JRPG protagonist to do? Disregarding that the preponderance of evidence suggests tackling one of these aforementioned issues; Tifa decides that the party must relocate Cloud. You know what? Fine, I’ll accept that as our next directive, but where am I going to accomplish this mission objective? What am I looking for? How do I know if I am at the right location? Well it turns out that the game just wants you to pilot the Highwind and check out all of the available locations on the planet until you find Mideel. As I have stated before, Final Fantasy VII is a directionless nightmare when it comes to funneling the player to new locations.

Oh and the controls for the Highwind are completely and totally fucked. I mean what decent human being thought this was a good idea?

Part 111: Some Bullshit With Ninjas and Shit

One fun consequence of revisiting much of the world was that I completed Yuffie’s final side-quest where she beats the shit out of her own father. Now I understand that different cultures have different attitudes regarding their “rites of passage.” That said the Pagoda challenge seems arbitrarly difficult to serve as a rite of passage. You have to fight FIVE bosses in order to become an adult in Wutai culture. How’s that fair to any hormone driven teenager? This joshing aside I’m not entirely confident that this was worth my time. The character moment here felt very one-note, and it lacked any interpersonal drama. During their previous meeting I was under the impression that Yuffie had some bad-blood with her father, and when they meet at the pagoda that dissipated to respect for no reason whatsoever.

Why in the world would I find the final confrontation between Yuffie and her father to be anticlimactic? While I did find Godo’s transformation to be one of the most visually stunning boss designs it all ended up feeling like window dressing. The pagoda challenge was certainly difficult in parts, but it also didn’t really reward me with any new or interesting story beats. Godo trying to justify his capitulation to Shinra is intended to resonate with the audience, but it just doesn’t. You see no evidence that Wutai is suffering under Shinra’s influence as Yuffie suggested, and simultaneously you witness no scars of war that Godo mentions. It’s almost magical how the game manages to pull the rug from underneath two of its own characters all at once! Certainly one could argue that Wutai serves as a bit of a critique on Japan during the late 1990s, but even that element cannot save it from feeling flat. There’s no visual sense of a malaise to become disgruntled about! Tonaly Yuffie’s character moment is in a league of its own as it is played up mostly for laughs. This is especially the case when Yuffie has a comedic aside with her father where she promises to steal everyone’s Materia in order to help Wutai’s supposedly neglected status.

One quick nitpick directed a Square before we move on. Don’t think that I didn’t notice that you “transformed” the first four bosses into standard enemies! I know that you did this to so you wouldn’t have to design extra character models you cheap fucks!

Part 112: Oh Great! The Game Just Took My Two Strongest Characters Away From Me!

Finding Mideel is a goddamned nightmare. The diminutive “resort town” just blends into the tropical forest that it is placed next to. Similar to previous moments in the game the player is only provided with a very basic conceit in order to figure out what to do next. In this case the primary conceit is “find Cloud.” However, the game does nothing to assist you in your journey. Once again players are roped into using brute force just to progress the story. This resulted in me wasting hours upon hours of my precious time trying to locate Mideel.

Grousing aside when we finally do locate Cloud we discover that he is a babbling vegetable pulled directly from a Tolstoy novel. It is theorized that after the events at the north crater that Cloud must have fallen into the Lifestream. The doctor at the clinic informs us that prolonged exposure to the Lifestream results in a type of poisoning that is currently afflicting Cloud. Overcome with what I can only assume to be grief Tifa asks to remain by Cloud’s side until he recovers. This results in her being removed from your party until further notice. As you might expect I condemned this decision on account of it removing my two most leveled up characters. Now admittedly, what ensues in the next couple of set-pieces isn’t difficult from a gameplay perspective. With the exception of one story based confrontation, oh we’ll get to that in a bit, the next couple of scenarios see Cid commanding the party to victory which proves...nothing. It was already established that Cid is a well known captain so essentially nothing was accomplished in terms of building up his character or anyone else for that matter. Well at least the scenarios were fun to look at from a distance and added some much needed brevity to the story.

What I do feel the need to decry is the fact that the story thrusts us into a series of adventures in order to collect ANOTHER batch of magical MacGuffins. This is the third fucking time this has happened in the story. At this point the idea that there is ANOTHER batch of magical items to prevent the apocalypse is comical at best. By having us chase after the Huge Materia the story plays out in the most derivative manner possible. Isn’t there ANY OTHER WAY to structure a role-playing story that isn’t based around trying to locate magical MacGuffins?

Part 113: I Hated the Train Sequence in North Corel

Well at least the game has the common decency of making it incredibly transparent where it wants us to go in order to progress the story. In this case we are off to the North Corel Mako reactor. All I want to know is why do we get that sort of direction here, but not for any of the missions that call for us to explore new locations? How is that fair?

The mission at the North Corel reactor is pure action window dressing. Leaping across the train carts as the timer ticks down leads to a mostly riveting experience. There’s a sense of desperation on the part of the player as they attempt to acquire their first Huge Materia, and hopefully preventing North Corel from experiencing another disaster. I didn’t find the battles here to be especially difficult on account of most of them being with random Shinra soldiers and the various robotic monstrosities that they fight alongside. However, the true fight that you have to worry about is making sense of what the game wants you to do in order to stop the train. The reason for this is simple, Shinra’s train cart is on a collision course to North Corel. As you may have predicted the controls once again bungled this cinematic experience. This is the screen that you are prompted with when the mission begins on the initial train that you need to crash into Shinra’s:

Yup, they are simple enough that even I was able to get through the initial sequence without nary a care. However, sensing that they may have created a vehicle mission that was coherent and understandable the fine men and women at Square decided to add an unnecessary level of difficulty to the mix! These are the controls for the train that you need to prevent from crashing into North Corel:

Can you see my issue? The game fucking adds in a new level of complexity to the controls without indicating what order they need to be inputted in order to complete the mission. Now the game does eventually suggest that you try different combinations, but that’s only after you have less than two or three minutes left with the mission! FUCK THAT SHIT! In fact, the train before this one is a bit of a red-herring as attempting to mimic its simple right-then-left pattern ISN’T THE SOLUTION! As you might expect I ended up crashing the train into North Corel TWICE! Poor Barret was forced to watch his dreams of redemption boil away right before his eyes. Eventually with tears in mine I just started banging my fucking fists on my keyboard, and somehow I magically completed the mission without committing a war crime.

Part 114: The Final Fort Condor Mission is The Fucking Worst Thing Ever

The Fort Condor mission sucks ass. It is...without a doubt one of the worst tower defense games I have ever played in my life. I feel rather confident in saying that as I have played numerous Flash based tower defense games on my browser. All of which were immensely better than the Fort Condor mission. If any of you groan about “pay-to-win” games on forum posts that no one reads, then you should be grousing about the Fort Condor missions in Final Fantasy VII. In these missions you have to use your in-game money to pay for mercenaries in order to protect an animal sanctuary. Where the fuck is PETA and the Animal Liberation Front when you need them?

As you may be able to guess I did not like this “minigame.” It’s a waste of both my money as well as my precious time. The most painful part of this mission is how slowly the tower defense mechanics play out. The enemies saunter ever so slowly, even if you increase their movement speed. Every time one of your units gets attacked you have to dismiss an alert that pops up on your screen. Worse yet, the combat is just BLEH! There’s some form of a rock-paper-scissors element to the units that you are intended to pick up and master. However, the polygonal character models for the enemies, as well as your own units, is so abstract that I struggled to understand what I was dealing with on every occasion. Not only that, but I “failed” the tower defense portion of the minigame because I had no idea that there was a pathway to the right that you had to pan the camera to in order to see. Well whatever, you can still succeed at the Fort Condor mission as you are thrust into a boss battle with some sort of Shinra robot. Offing this robot essentially allows you succeed at the mission no differently than completing the bullshit tower defense minigame. So what the fuck was the point of completing the minigame in the first place?

Now here’s what I thought was the most hilarious aspect of this mission. It actually benefits you the most if you fail the tower defense portion of this mission, and defeat the boss as I did. Not only do you acquire some helpful items, but you also are awarded XP! If you go about this mission as intended you are awarded neither of these. Not only that, but you don’t have to waste any money on mercenaries. So long as you are able to defeat the boss you end up seeing the same exact cutscene as you would if you won at the tower defense shit, so FUCK IT! Oh you want me to discuss the metaphor that the phoenix at Fort Condor represents?

Part 115: It’s Raining Monsters! Hallelujah!

For reasons that I cannot even begin to fathom Cid decides that collecting the magical MacGuffins can wait. Even if they are the key towards preventing the apocalypse. INSTEAD, he figures that it's time to pay Cloud and Tifa a visit. Hey Cid! Why the fuck didn’t you just give Tifa a cell phone and ask her to call you when Cloud gets better? Why does Cid just assume that Shinra is going to stop attempting to locate the other pieces of Huge Materia while we go faff about with Tifa and Cloud? Why does Cid just assume that the meteor will not crash into the planet while he’s playing pass the pudding with Tifa? Why is any of this happening?

After popping into the clinic you discover that Cloud’s condition has not improved in any way, shape, or form. To ensure that this journey wasn’t a waste of time the game conveniently decides to proactively progress the story towards its eventual conclusion. Tremors cause the Lifestream to erupt from the ground, and Ultima Weapon bursts onto the scene thrusting Cid and company into a boss battle that ends with the monster flying away. Wait a minute, did the tremors summon Ultima Weapon; is it the other way around; or did they both just happen to occur at the same time?

Whatever the answers to those questions may be, Mideel is being torn asunder. Tifa being Cloud’s caregiver is tasked with moving Cloud away from the carnage. Because this is a video game Tifa fails at her simple job spectacularly. Unable to see a massive fissure in the ground she plummets the both of them into the Lifestream.

Part 116: I Guess We Are “In” Cloud’s Subconscious...WAIT WHAT?

Tifa and Cloud fall into what is essentially the mantle of the planet. This somehow transports them both into Cloud’s subconsciousness. Wh...why? What? How is any of this happening? Did the planet recognize that Cloud is the key towards saving the world? Does the Lifestream have a horrible sense of humor? Why does entering the Lifestream cause Tifa to enter Cloud’s subconsciousness, but not the other way around? If entering the Lifestream this time around caused Cloud to enter a lucid dream, then why did it cause him to enter a comatose state prior to this?

Now I have harped about the constant need to accept Final Fantasy VII’s “spectacles” in order to appreciate its inner beauty. The scene in Cloud’s subconsciousness is no exception. The pacing, scaffolding, and logic of the moment are absolutely absurd. However, once you are able to disregard those points you can appreciate a tender and touching moment between Tifa and Cloud. This moment highlights what Final Fantasy VII is best at, and that’s allowing its cast of characters to shine above an otherwise questionable story. Cloud and Tifa’s inner drama feels genuine as its is based on feelings and emotions that we can all relate to.

Now if only everything surrounding these moments was better. I am quickly coming to a startling conclusion as I play more of Final Fantasy VII. I enjoy the characters of the game far more than the overall story. Characters such as Cloud and Tifa will remain with me far longer than what I accomplished in-between their character moments. For as much as I just griped about the Fort Condor mission I can only assume that it will exit the hemispheres of my brain. What will not elude my memories will be Barret’s moment with Dyne, or Aeris’s death. When the story centers itself on its characters alone it shines more than ever. The only trip ups with these character moments occurs when the writing attempts to blur science fiction with fantasy, or purport to include an environmental overtone.

Part 117: Cloud’s Mental Trauma

Bravo to the writers of Final Fantasy VII for depicting Cloud’s mental and emotional trauma in a sincere and respectful manner. Kudos to the writers for also resolving Cloud’s trauma in the manner that they did, and establishing that Cloud is working to deal with his demons with the support of his social network. Such a depiction of mental illness and/or trauma should be the industry standard rather than the exception. More so, Cloud’s trauma comes across as the most genuine and tangible aspect of the entire story. Tifa also shines during this moment as she is finally able to recognize the need to be as transparent as possible to Cloud.

During a flashback to when they were kids it is surfaced that one of Cloud’s greatest fears is that of being alone and rejected. It is eventually exposed that Cloud and Tifa were not the chummy childhood friends as was suggested earlier. In fact, it is revealed during one of the flashbacks that Tifa refused to allow Cloud to enter her social clique. It is even suggested that this rejection motivated him to seek out new opportunities to prove himself. After Cloud fails to rescue Tifa from a dramatic fall he becomes further convinced that he must explore life goals which will make him stronger. As a result he joined Shinra, and after failing to enter SOLDIER he became a grunt with a chip on his shoulder. Sephiroth’s deceit is revealed to be just that, a “deceit,” as it is divulged that Cloud was in fact at Nibelheim when Sephiroth committed his massacre.

I honestly believe that all of this works far greater than anything related to Jenova, Shinra, and Sephiroth. Part of this stems from how impalpable all of those elements end up coming across in the game. This on the other is something that love and respect. Cloud’s embarrassment of being honest of his personal failures, as well as the origins of his insecurities, is something we can relate to as an audience. His failure to become a SOLDIER is a wonderful vessel for any of our own personal failures, and increases our investment in Cloud twofold. Some might accuse Cloud’s insecurities as being childish, but they would be missing the point entirely. The childish nature of Cloud’s insecurities provides a justification as to why he wasn’t forthcoming about them in the first place. Now this is the “naturalistic” storytelling that I have been asking for! Now if only someone at Square understood the whole point of “Chekhov's Gun!”

When it’s finally established that Cloud isn’t in fact a full Sephiroth clone you honestly do feel like something major has happened in the game. Discovering his identity is the exact panacea that Cloud needed to wake up from his stupor. With Cloud’s identity assured one of the more troublesome story arcs in Final Fantasy VII has finally been resolved. It was a messy journey as I have indicated before, and I remain unconvinced that this was the best direction for the story to go. However, once the pieces to the puzzle finally come together you are able to at least see the intent, and the pure sincerity of the entire affair.

Part 118: Cloud is The “Hero with a Thousand Faces”

So before I delve into comparative mythology there are a few questions that I want to ask. Firstly, did Sephiroth already know that Cloud wasn’t a Sephiroth clone? When Sephiroth directly confronts Cloud at the northern crater he seemed absolutely convinced that Cloud was a Sephiroth clone pieced together by Hojo. Did he deliberately lie to Cloud, or is our villain mistaken? Now my next couple of point are nitpicks that really fucking pissed me off. After Cloud has re-discovered his identity Tifa asks that they return to the surface...then they just miraculously get teleported to the ruins of Mideel. How the fuck did that happen? Does the Lifestream take requests as to when people can enter and exit it? If that’s the case then why didn’t Sephiroth exit the Lifestream earlier? Oh and here’s another thing that annoyed me immensely. Tifa and Cloud exit the Lifestream and somehow don’t have Mako poisoning. Wasn’t the whole reason why Cloud was in a comatose state for two hours because he fell into the Lifestream? Why aren’t the two of them dead? They were practically in the Lifestream for an hour! Did the Lifestream read the script?

Now that the funny stuff is complete let’s burrow into my ill conceived notion of comparative mythology. Wait I SWEAR, it’s going to work this time! Me trying to apply Joseph Campbell’s “Hero with a Thousand Faces,” to a Final Fantasy game is FINALLY going to work this time! Seriously, just read the descriptions for “Rescue from Without,” and “Crossing the Return Threshold!” Cloud is very literally a hero in a modern monomyth! The format for a monomyth is as simple as it gets! The hero goes on an adventure that forces them to enter an unknown world after a supernatural act. Ding, that sounds exactly like what happened at the Shinra HQ way back when Sephiroth took Jenova’s body. Next our hero wins a victory amidst a desperate crisis, which to me sounds a lot like Cloud fighting Jenova after Sephiroth killed Aeris. Then we have our present situation, where the hero is subjected to a revelation that flings them into the “abyss.” After this a powerful guide helps the hero out from the abyss. I mean COME ON! That practically SCREAMS what we just witnessed in the Lifestream!

Now why am I mentioning all of this other than to falsely purport my knowledge of mythological structure? Because this proves that even at its worst Final Fantasy VII has some form of a narrative pattern or structure. This structure means that I am able to follow the action within the game far easier than any story that lacks this structure. Certainly there are still burning questions that I have, but at no point am I left with my hands in the air, and jaw agape...unlike a certain Final Fantasy game that I played....

Part 119: Some Secret Story Stuff That SHOULDN’T BE HIDDEN!

Before moving on with the plot Cloud has a moment where he reveals his past to the entirety of the crew. Here he repeats his weaknesses while the remaining cast affirm their confidence in Cloud. It’s small moments like these that I appreciate in Final Fantasy VII the most. The writing works tirelessly to justify all of the characters working together as a team. This is vastly superior than assuming the team working together is an inevitability. The story works so much more as a result of these small touches, and it makes my ability to related to the character far easier.

At the behest of a number of users, and penguinman, I moseyed along to the Shinra Mansion. There I descended into the inner sanctum within the mansion’s basement, and located the abandoned laboratory. From a vantage point to where Cloud could see a couple of glowing green test tubes I was treated to a story critical cutscene. This cutscene provides the only concrete information related to Zack’s background. In the meantime you discover fun tidbits about Zack before he is murdered in cold blood by Shinra soldiers.

Now I will indeed admit that this cutscene is great. First and foremost it provides some much needed exposition related to Zack. Not only that, but it reveals how why Cloud was convinced he was a member of SOLDIER in the first place. Here we discover that Cloud was thrown into a vat of Mako energy and Jenova cell...by someone. This once again resulted in Cloud being subjected to Maoko poisoning. As Zack has one-sided conversations with Cloud it’s heavily implied that Cloud absorbed this information and thought that Zack’s life experiences were his own.

But WHY in the world is this hidden away in a location we have already visited, and have no reason to re-visit? I cannot even begin to fathom why a developer would hide entire cutscenes during an era when 3D character designs were difficult and expensive to create. So seriously, why hide those characters behind a secret wall? At no point do you ever have a reason to go to the basement of the Shinra Mansion once you get Cloud back on the team. How was I supposed to know to go there in the first place? Didn’t Square end up creating an off-shoot game wherein Zack is the main character? So they made a game based around a character you can completely miss entirely? If Square thought so highly of Zack then why didn’t they have his flashback be a requirement in the story? All of these questions are perplexing, but in no way impact the power of the scene in question.

AND I STILL HAVE GENERAL QUESTIONS ABOUT THE STORY! So wait a minute...is Zack the voice that would talk to Cloud in Disc One? I’m not talking about Sephiroth and Jenova, but the voice that would direct Cloud on his journey and tell him not to mess around with the ladies at the Honey Bee Inn. Now is that voice talking to Cloud directly via the Lifestream, or are they imprinted memories of Zack that Cloud recalls. Or was that the baby Cloud that talked to Tifa while she was in the Lifestream?

Part 120: I Found Aeris’s Ghost...I Think

Speaking of secret shit that I have a lot of questions for let’s talk about re-entering Midgar. When you re-enter Midgar and re-explore the church you witness this:

Was this some weird glitch or an intentional Easter Egg? Cloud doesn’t mention anything when you see this apparition, nor does this scene result in any significant lines of dialogue. So what the fuck just happened? Am I slowly losing my grasp with reality? Whatever the reason for this “encounter” may well be let’s wrap up what I can only hope is my penultimate magnum opus on Final Fantasy VII.

Can't wait to read this tonight!

I've never played a FF game before, do I need to play from the brginning or would this all make sense if I jumped in on VII?

God I love it when FFVII gets trippy.

The slap fight between some bitchy woman and a highly skilled martial artist on the barrel of a massive cannon is just ?. Legendary moment.

None of them are related. Each FF (save for stuff like FFX-2 or FFXIII-2/3) are unique universes and stories. As for them making sense...well, that's a subjective term here.

So what I'm gathering here is: you don't like anime?

I find the title very apropos. You really are fighting the game and pushing back against what it's trying to give you more than anything else, and I feel like a great number of your questions can be answered with: because it's a video game. Why is there an awful skateboarding minigame? Because someone thought a 3D snowboarding segment would've been totally rad back in the PS1 era. Why do giant monsters emerge from the lifestream and attack towns and get blown up by giant cannons? Because it's a JRPG and there was a budget to spend on CG. Why do they wander around doing nothing until you go fight them? Because it's a video game and hard superbosses are a thing.

But I know you know this.

I struggle to decide if I think this game is "good" or not as I've been moseying through it again on PS4. It's obviously highly overrated, but its impact on the western market and the Rpg genre as a whole cannot be overstated. I think it suffers from a poor translation and a lot of moments, explanations, and motivations are lost because of it. The hiding of somewhat critical plot points in places you have no reason to explore is a major detriment as well. I recall playing this a number of years back, finishing it, then immediately looking up a wiki because I still did not understand the whole story behind Sephiroth, Cloud, Zack, and so on. At the same time, I think FFVII is a fantastic, meaty, and satisfying RPG to play.

Oh, and I say this with all the kindness in the world, your nitpicking is INTENSE.

@zombiepie: The maddening thing is that they created two games based off of optional things: Crisis Core (Zack) and Dirge of Cerberus (Vincent). VII is just a weird thing. Honestly, and I know you'll question my sanity, I still greatly prefer VIII. Sure, it's insane, but I appreciate how balls-out nuts it gets. Plus, I think it's a better game.

Everything around nabbing Alexander is among the biggest pains in the ass of that game. It's so annoying.

Great blog, Zeep.

No ZP, they made two games about FFVII characters you could completely miss. Every time I think about that I realize just how big a phenomenon this game was in the West.

Like FF VIII before, I'm glad you're subjecting yourself to this, because I'm not sure if I'd want to. If you ever get sick of Final Fantasy and wanna go down a dark hole on the other side of the pacific (or perhaps have @thatpinguino play something he's not familiar with for the viewing public's pleasure, like that time he played Riven), I can think of a couple of things I'd be willing to inflict and coach you on in a similar way. I'm not sure how familiar you are with that stuff, but it turns out old CRPGs from that era are incomprehensible from entirely different angles than their Japanese counterparts!

I think it's fair to say that a lot of long-running, fond memories of Final Fantasy VII perhaps gloss over a lot of the weird plot-holes, bad translation, and occasional awkwardness you've showcased, even if some of those things can be waved away as "Because video game" or "Because Japan" or "Because 1997." But then there's stuff like Zack's entire backstory being optional, and that seems baffling.

The moment when Cloud (with no special Mako or Jenova powers) throws Sephiroth off a bridge using the sword he is currently stabbed with is to this day one of my all time favorite scenes from a video game. It isn't as flashy or dramatic as something like that would be done today, but my god is it not just the most epic thing ever. That Cloud guy isn't all failures in his past.

@kid_gloves: That is indeed an awesome moment.

The nitpicking could be apply to all other games, all movies, nearly all form of story telling medium to be honest. Deus ex machina or convenient timing in story telling exist since ancient times all the way to the so called "classical literature" or whatever "modern classics" are considered. For a video games (especially one from the 90s) NOT having would have been stranger.

Some tidbits about the more confusing points:

Sephiroth clones: this is a weird one, perhaps more of a mis-translation or lacking of a better term kind of deal. It should be clear by now that the so called clones are the black hooded figures you met during the journey muttering about Reunion, in fact the first one you met was probably the tattooed person back in Midgar. If I recall correctly these are people who underwent Mako treatment and was injected with Jenova cells, similar to what Cloud underwent. You should check out yet another optional event to find out more about Sephiroth :p

Cloud is a failure because he escaped his "treatment." That's why he was never tattooed. Something which might not be as apparent is that the clones were suppose to bring the Black Materia to Sephiroth to the crater, and the irony is that Cloud, the "failure" is the one who actually manage to do it. It could be view that Cloud's entire journey to track down Sephiroth from the beginning to him showing up at crater was him submitting to Reunion all along. Handing over the Black Materia was Cloud completing his purpose as a puppet for Jenova/Sephiorth.

The Jenova and Sephiroth connection: keep playing for the time being, but try not to think about it too much. Although something to keep in mind is that Jenova is previously thought to be an Ancient, recall Sephiroth's monologue in the basement of Shinra mansion. The true nature of Jenova isn't reveal until viewing the tapes in Icicle Inn. Go to Cosmo Canyon and talk to a NPC (in the "bar"?) he might have one interesting dialog regarding Gast.

The Crater scene might seem weird, what should be obvious is that it is meant to be Cloud's world comes crashing down. Again it could be viewed as he didn't seek Sephiroth on his own, but was subconsciously and occasionally heavy handed controlled to deliver the Black Materia. Sephiroth's version of the flash back shown is technically more correct than Cloud's Kalm version, in fact it is the version Tifa knows about. Therefore Tifa and Sephiorth are actually in agreement. That's why Tifa can't do anything for Cloud because as far as she knows Sephiroth is right. All she could do is tell Cloud not to think about it or to avoid confrontation, also Cloud tends to have breakdown whenever his memory is challenged. I believe Tifa has a line somewhere (could be Gold Saucer date) that mention something about Cloud knows things that he shouldn't have, but doesn't know things that he should.

Cloud/Zack, Zack is of course Aeris' boyfriend from the past, the actual Soldier who Tifa met, and Cloud's friend and the persona he somehow partially adapted, he probably underwent the same mako/Jenova treatment similar to Cloud. If you take Aeris on the Gold Saucer date she would mention Cloud is so much like "him"(Zack) down to his manner of speech and gestures, yet Aeris also mention she wants to meet the real Cloud. In hindsight it is clear why Aeris was the disc 1 love interest, but at the same time we can also see that as not even Cloud's love interest is completely real. I believe in an earlier blog entry of this series there was criticism about Cloud having inconsistent characterization swinging between two different characters...something to think about :p

Oh Zack is also the guy from Gongaga, when you visited Gongaga it was probably the first time you heard Scarlet talk about Huge materia.

Weapons, I don't remember if the game say it explicitly or when, but it isn't that much of a spoiler, Weapons are created by the planet to fight against threats to the planet itself, Mako reactors, Shinra, humans are possible threat to the planet.

Aeris' ghost is just an easter egg, nothing comes out of it, but since you are seeing it I guess you found a way back to Midgar, hunting for ultimate weapon? Don't forget to hunt for some limit break also who knows there might be some story tidbits ;)

Gameplay wise, might want to stay in Disc 2 and explore as much and as long as you can if you are still in it. There's a point of no return in disc 2, might want to make a separate save just in case. You can do most of the ultimate weapon and level 4 limit breaks in disc 2.

Interesting that you take FF7 as more of a characters drama, personally I enjoyed the twists, mysteries, and process of discovering who Cloud is the most, but at the same time I won't say I like Cloud in particular as a character. Mideel reveal is probably the high point of FF7 story for me, seeing all the foreshadowing, tidbits, and half truths spanning over nearly two disc finally fit together is both satisfying in the moment and makes me realize they really put some thoughts into this. Sure 20 years later it might look a bit aged, looking at it closely there are definitely flaws, there are parts that aren't up to the modern standards, but the overall story arc and the steps they took to present it I think it still surpasses many games of today and one that they can't seem to recreate in other titles.

Aeris appearing there is supposed to be an easter egg, I'm pretty sure. If it's a bug, then it's a very consistent one.

For as much as I just griped about the Fort Condor mission I can only assume that it will exit the hemispheres of my brain.

It really does. I only played the game a few years ago, and reading through these always incites multiple "holy shit was there a stupid minigame here?" or "there was a timed snow dungeon there?" comments.

Honestly though, I'm starting to wonder if I ever played this game. I never even considered that the stuff at the Crater might've been Sephiroth bullshitting Cloud, and thought it was just a result of shoddy localization or something. I missed all the stuff about Jenova infecting people, and definitely missed that optional scene about Aeris's childhood.

I've never really read any kind of analysis or wiki for the game, so it'll be interesting to see if I actually understand anything about the story by the end of your adventure.

Great read and I agree that Cloud's realization of who he is was a powerful moment indeed.

In regards to Zack, it's not that simple. While they only showed 3 ShinRa troops in the scene, he was in fact facing a much larger squadron of enemies. It's perhaps not made clear enough in this game, which you can blame Square for, but wow did they make that an extremely powerful moment in Crisis Core. You think you're prepared when you go into a game where you already know the protagonist is gonna eat it, but somehow they subvert your expectations in both gameplay and story to deliver that final blow.

@soimadeanaccount: all of this. It's a shame so many people miss the subtle story bits about Reunion. It's probably the best crafted beat / twist from a narrative perspective as it explains not only the nature of Jenova's powers (and "Sephiroths" relationship with it) but also gives clarity as to why a lot of the weirder, out of character stuff happens during disk 1 and 2.

There's admittedly some clunky stuff surrounding a lot of the delivery but to delicately hint at these greater narravtive pulls for the span of 20 or so hours I feel is the games biggest strength. It's fun slowly coming to the realisation (although it took me a fair few playthroughs to fully understand) that what you're narratively going through isn't what you thought initially.

This all seemed less stupid when I was 13...

What you just experienced is why a remake of FFVII could be really neat. The core of the story is really solid, and startlingly human given how bonkers these games tend to get. With the benefit of hindsight the developers could smooth out some of the rough edges you've noticed -- though I'm sure you're very aware that some of your points are granular to the point of absurdity -- to bring its high points into greater relief.

But then, it's equally possible, looking at most of the rest of the VII Compilation, that Square's modern style is no longer compatible with what this game was trying to achieve. Either way, it'll be interesting to see.

@zombiepie You may already know this, but if you go to the arcade in the Golden Saucer, you can replay a lot of these hot minigames whenever you want! Not the Fort Condor or Ice Climbing games, but the motorcycle game, the snowboarding game, and one other minigame that you've yet to encounter.

I won't say what that other minigame is (for people who've played, I'm referring to the submarine battle game), but I will say that when I played this in 4th grade, even I thought this other game was kind of bullshit. And I had low enough standards to play the shit out of the snowboarding game and chocobo races.

So you've got that to look forward to :P

*edit: I also didn't think the Fort Condor battles were that bad, but again, I was in 4th grade*

@arbitrarywater: I've promised ZP I would play a game of his choosing after we finish FFIX... which we should be starting in the next few weeks! I just wrapped up FFVII last week and ZP should be done with it any day now. So one more blog, one more podcast, and we'll be on to playing the best FF game. I'm even cooking up some more FFIX related goodies since that game might be a touch important to me.

@zombiepie: When I finished FFVII I noticed that each of the minigames HAVE THEIR OWN SEPARATE FUCKING DESIGN TEAM! WITH MULTIPLE PEOPLE! So of course they feel like disjointed messes, they were made by subteams working in silos.

I find it hard to provide critique on your critique of this game as it has been so long since I last played it and all but the major story beats are now just a jumbled mess of different scenes and distant memories. They possibly were always that way, but my 13 year old self did not possess the ability to distinguish jumbled from complex, and wonky from deep, but at the time I loved every moment of it.

However. I do remember distinctly how engrossed I was in the game from the end of Disc One and the Temple of the Ancients all the way until the end of Midgar being attacked by Weapon. I read all of what you wrote about this section and of course I understand that validity of it all, but for me my experience was entirely different. It almost felt like a stretch of penitence for the guilt that I imagined Cloud must be feeling for having been, in many ways, responsible for Aeris' death. The struggle through the cold and the snow, the super tough enemies, the angry fight with Jenova, and then this climactic scene where Cloud finally caves in. The journey until that point was to find and punish Sephiroth, but when it came down to it Cloud was looking to punish himself.

I appreciate how the snowboarding section feels completely out of place, but at the time at least it was little more than just a moment's respite from the seriousness of that whole section.

To then have this capped off by, in my view, the most atmospheric bit of the game where the Weapons are released and the whole section in Midgar under attack was just a perfect stretch of engrossing story for me. Again, I understand your criticisms, but it is still a scene which I occasionally look up on YouTube just to soak myself in all its eerie goodness.

But yeah look, I can't disagree with your criticisms. Even if I wanted to I couldn't. I just don't remember enough about the minutae to form logical arguments. Either way, I always enjoy reading this blog. Since I started reading it, I have re-downloaded FF7 to my Vita twice, only to promptly delete it again when it stops me from downloading whatever PS+ offering there is this month.

Keep it up anyway! It's a great read!

Great read as always! I have to admit, seeing you lose your mind over the ridiculous turns FF takes really makes me wish you had a way to play Xenogears. Boy, I'd love to see what you'd make of that one.

I wholeheartedly second this motion.

On the FF7 front the more I read about the game's story the more I begin to hate it even more. I said this in the last post though if you have connection to Zack and want to see that portion of a game I highly recommend Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII. The game definitely takes some anime leaps of faith but the final 2 hours of that game are the best thing any Final Fantasy 7 game has done.

ALSO FUCK FF7 SNOWBOARDING

I always thought the moment in the crater where the Weapon wakes up and opens its eyes to reveal itself inside the wall was pretty cool.

Also DON'T do what I did and have Final Fantasy VIII...or maybe you should.

I don't even know anymore.

GOOD SIR! I will have you know that I enjoy anime quite a bit. However, as @dochaus or anyone from our anime thread will testify, I have a "mixed" relationship with the current state of the anime industry. If you want your story to be weird wacky anime adventures then you should clearly establish the story as being that. Beyond that I think it bears repeating that I love parts of Final Fantasy VII's story. Mechanically it is sound and fun to play. When its story hits its marks it is also a marvel to watch over. That said there is a ton of fat to chew through.

Well there is that terrible Chocobo minigame that comes bundled with the steam version of VIII for some reason. You can't spell "WASTED MY GODDAMNED TIME," quite like Chocobo related garbage. VII...really doesn't know what it wants to be a lot of the time, and I suspect that the men and women at Square have only recently decided what direction they wanted to take the game. The spin-off games are further evidence of this in my opinion.

Everything you warned me about the Great Glacier level was as bad if not worse than what you warned me about. And what was it all in the name of? Getting a summon that I will most likely NEVER USE!

I regret my life choices.

When this is all over @thatpinguino and myself will attempt to answer the very complicated question: "Should people like ZombiePie play the original version of Final Fantasy VII?"

I don't know what the answer to this question is right now, but my gut reaction right now is "Ehhhhhhhh...maybe?"

It is without a doubt the most SAVAGE moment in the entire game! Man I wish he did more stuff like that in the game!

It surprised penguinman how unrelenting the minigames are in Final Fantasy VII. For much of Disc One and the first half of Disc Two the transitions between one major location to the next features at least one. 80% of them are just straight up terrible. All of the optional information is great if you see it, but I have a fundamental issue with all of that being secret in the first place. I will warn you and say that these secret scenes are not worth it if they are the only reason why you want to go back to Final Fantasy VII.

@zombiepie: As a side note, despite the seeming insanity of what I'm about to say, you should maybe play Crisis Core after you beat VII. Considering the character stuff is what you've enjoyed the most, Crisis Core would probably appeal to you more. It's also just actually good. It's the best thing in the entire VII franchise, including the base game of VII itself. It's quality is what gives me some hope about the remake.

I don't know how supported by the canon this is, but my take on the promised land was always it was not on the same planet as Shinra at all, and the idea that the northern crater was it was a mistake on their part. The books Sephiroth is reading in the mansion early in the game make it seem that the Cetra were a race who traveled from planet to planet, searching the promised land. A few settled on the planet, but then the race moved on. It sounds very much to me like the promised land was in fact a planet, and not the one FF7 is set on.

Queue me screaming the entire game about how anyone could have known this if they had read the book in the library. I guess Shinra should have stuck with the rocket plan after all, huh?

Crisis Core is probably the best game of the "Compilation of Final Fantasy 7" stuff. Plays fairly well for its control scheme (PSP, eugh), and the plot is all right. Has a lot of nonsense in it, but at least it's better translated nonsense.

Zombiepie vs Final Fantasy 7:

quit slapping me! you old $*&^%!!!

Apparently (according to the Final Fantasy Wikia, anyway), the Promised Land is a little more Heaven-ish. Essentially, when you return to the Lifestream and fully unify with it, you are in the place of eternal and supreme happiness, AKA: the Promised Land.

I thought the snowboarding was kind of good.

There is at least one more dialog about the Promised Land left in the game.

Spoiler?: The game never really sits you down and talk to you about what the Promised Land is, but the heaven analogy is probably the closest parallel. Shinra probably thought the Promised Land is a physical location with lots of Mako which is why they are interested in it and believe the Ancients will lead them there, therefore their interests in Aeris. They also eventually link the Crater to the Promised Land, to them the true nature of the Promised Land doesn't matter they only want Mako, which the Crater does have.

The mythological background of the Promised Land is where the Ancients return to the planet after following their nomadic ways of healing the planet which is very akin to the whole "do good and go to heaven" line of thinking. Things get slightly more interesting when we take into account of the "all lives eventually returns to the planet" statement from Cosmo Canyon and Sephiroth's point of the splitting off between the nomadic Ancients vs the modern settling humans from the same ancestors. Finally there's also, ending spoiler, one of Cloud's final line regarding "he understands now...and will meet her(Aeris) again in the Promised Land."

TL:DR: FF7 is hippy and tree huggy as fuck

@kmfrob: That was a far more professional and eloquent breakdown of the first portion of Disc Two than I could have ever managed to write. That said...I think you are giving the developer a bit more credit than they deserve. I think the structure and design of the levels, and this is going to sound shitty, are typical of what you would see out of any game from the 1990s. Every game had a snow level in the 1990s, and Final Fantasy VII is just honoring a tradition that has existed for well over a decade.

But I will say this, I HOPE you are correct and I am incorrect.

@soimadeanaccount: Let's just pretend that this music is playing as you read my next batch of questions:

1. So does the Mako Energy make the clone a "clone," or is it the Jenova blood?
2. But all that shit about Cloud being "pieced together" by Hojo was bullshit, right? He grew up with Tifa and thus was born a normal person.
3. Is Jenova dead? Will anything about how she's being manipulated or used by Sephiroth be dicussed in a clear or cohesive manner?
4. Then why doesn't Tifa just say "Hey asshole, don't give the Black Materia to Sephiroth because that's going to cause the Apocalypse?" Does she secretly want the meteor to be summoned? Is she a secret asshole?
5. If Zack is a SOLDIER does that mean that Zack already has had Mako and Jenova cells injected into him? Then why did they toss him into the Mako vat in the Shinra mansion? Why was there no security to prevent Zack and Cloud from escaping the Shinra Mansion?
6. Why are the Weapons so terrible at their job? Ultima Weapon just seems to disappear and only reappears when it's convenient to the plot.
7. If I do the Chocobo Racing sidequest will I end up hating myself?

NO! NO NO NO!

Don't try to convince me that I need to play some throwaway spin-off game on the PSP! I'm not buying a PSP just to play some sidequest nonsense that makes an optional character worth more than a bucket of spit. In other news, Zack's an interesting character.

I guess at some point I'm going to be playing Crisis Core and Dirge of Cerebus...fuck the pain away.

If the game hints about this prior to the reveal then I still stand by belief that it's beyond stupid. There's nothing subtle about it. It just happens and then the game backtracks and attempts to undo all of that insanity which is itself insane. It is the complete antithesis of Chekhov's Gun and for that I feel it worthy of condemnation.

Let's at least agree that the translation does a terrible job in trying to convey any of this information in a clear and cohesive manner.

I'm really debating if I ever want to go back to the Golden Saucer again. I'm still going to try and complete the Chocobo racing sidequest...because I hate myself and I want this to be as painful as possible.

I should medidate about this matter:

Square Soft is the worst developer in the history of all video games.

After I had completed Final Fantasy VIII there were a couple of proposals on what I should play next. One of those proposals was Chrono Cross because penguin had it on good authority that the game would melt my hyper-critical brain. Penguin informed me that I would "never" be properly prepared for that game's ending.

In regards to me playing Xenogears...this is my response:

Zombie I will fucking buy you Final Fantasy 9 on steam if that's what it takes!

1. Clone is probably not the term to use, I don't think there's actually any cloning of the real world sense in FF7 proper. Crisis Core likely get into more nitty-gritty details or have more prototypical experiment, I haven't play that, so let's put that aside for the time being. All SOLDIERS are enhanced by Mako to make them stronger, some (or maybe even all) are also injected with either Jenova or Sephiroth cells in an attempt to create another SOLDIER as strong as Sephiroth, that is Shinra's goal, think of the "cloning" aspect as trying to recreate that with what's available. Familiar with Metal Gear Solid :p?

2. Pieced together likely meant kept alive/brought back from the brink of death with the help of Mako and Jenova/Sephiroth cells treatment. Cloud was born a normal person, also he wasn't SOLIDER so he probably didn't get Mako treatment until that time.

3. Likely not dead completely I believe the game mention Jenova was sealed off by the Ancients. As for if the game gets into the relationship between Sephiroth and Jenova, might be spoiler: Now this might be debatable, but no, they game does not really get into exact details of rather their relationship is one of one tricking the other, one controlling the other, or mutually symbiotic. Jenova is into consuming the planet and infecting prey to get close to them, that much we know for certain from Icicle Inn, so the actions of Sephiroth is inline with what Jenova would have done. Now it is possible that since Sephiroth has Jenova cells in him he is "infected," "tricked," or "controlled" much like Cloud is. It is also possible that Sephiroth actually did turn crazy and believes in what he does and Jenova power serves as a tool for him to achieve that goal. It is also possible that their goals align and they share a close enough body already so why not just roll with it. Plus there's another layer of did Sephiroth ever figure out Jenova isn't actually a Cetra or if he even cares by this point? Also familiar with Bloodborne?

4. Because the fiction demands it! :p Asking for fictional characters to behaves in a "logical" manner or in a manner the player/viewer agrees with is always an issue. But if we really want to get down to it Tifa mention she wanted to keep watch on Cloud (offering him to work for Avalanche) because she was curious and puzzled by why Cloud's memory is strange compared to her own. Remember she doesn't know Cloud was actually in Nibelheim when it was burned down, but Cloud's version of him being there was actually a mix of his own and Zack's memory. Tifa also tend to be protective of Cloud when he is having a fit rather than questions him.

5. Zack most likely have Mako in him, Jenova I can't say for certain (Crisis Core might go into it more?) But after being "rescued" from Nibelheim he should have either Jenova or Sephiroth cells in him by then. The tank could be part of the rescuing process since he was injured also. Didn't Zack etched in the tank to tell Cloud they will bust out during feeding time? I guess there was some form of security and they manage to get out. Again Crisis Core might have more details?

6. Because the fiction demands it again! If you want I can tell you exactly when each Weapon trigger from a gameplay perspective to optimize getting their reward, but that's hardly story relevant :p. Emerald and Ruby don't even show up in the original Japanese version... Weapons show up and leave whenever they feel like sort of like Godzilla, also a series about being nice to the planet. Weapons are guardians of the planet, but they aren't exactly humanity's friend.

7. If you hate the racing you have done so far, which you should, imagine you need to do more and more of them, and occasionally the game will decide to say Fuck you! you aren't winning this one, and pins you again Joe. Unless you really want to get Knights of the Round or want to use it against Ruby and Emerald there are probably better use of your time. Hell I don't even know if chocobo racing is the most time efficient way to get a gold chocobo.

Chrono Cross is a weird game. It is definitely more directionless than FF7, there are also a lot of one offs oddity that sort of went no where, but at the same time I feel like that is probably one of its weird charm. The story is an absolute mess I will rank it even messier than Xenogears and way messier than FF7. Its gameplay is...interesting, some of its NG+ features are pretty nice. Not necessarily a bad game, but even I have difficulty wrapping my head around it and question just what exactly I see in it.

Xenogears is straight up an incomplete mess, translation is weird, some its dungeon designs are confusing and repetitive, there are frustrating platform moments, battle system while interesting feels like it is missing pointers and explanations along with inconsistent difficulty spikes, and then there's Disc 2... Depending on the days of the week, it might be my favorite game. Don't play that game unless you are really willing to look past nearly everything and is willing to just let its madness and majesty consume you. Although I am very interested in people's reaction to disc 2.

FF6 or 9 might be more fitting

This is exactly why I'd love to see someone tear apart every fine detail of that game. It has so many uniquely bizarre moments and ideas that I can't help but absolutely love it even if it becomes an incomprehensible mess at times. The game's opening cutscene literally makes no sense until around 40 hours in.

@zombiepie said:

I honestly wouldn't bother with either of those unless you really care about the lore and history of Sephiroth, Zack, Vincent, and some characters and events you haven't seen yet. Even if you do, the ending of Crisis Core might be the only thing worth watching on Youtube as it gives more context to why Cloud is the way he is at the start of VII (as cheesy as it is.)

Far be it from me to convince you to play any other games in the FF universe, though I would still really love for you to play through XIII at some point, but there are some worthwhile story beats in Crisis Core. Although a lot of the story is pretty dumb, as are some of the Crisis Core exclusive characters, I did appreciate its unique gameplay mechanics and how it actually made me care about Zack as a tragic character.

I just went back and watched the ending sequence for Crisis Core and it still resonated. Cheesy as it may be, it showed the kind of selfless guy Zack was and showed why he had such a powerful effect on Cloud's psyche, to the point where Cloud essentially took Zack's personality as his own. If anything, a lot of the story in Crisis Core is totally ancillary and won't help you really understand VII anymore than if you didn't play it, but at the very least I think it'd be worth watching the ending sequence just to see what Zack was up against. It might not resonate quite as much since you didn't accompany him through an entire game, but at the very least you'll see he wasn't a wussy SOLDIER who couldn't beat 3 regular ShinRa dudes.

Just a couple points of my own to add:

I've had girlfriends (plural) who had prolonged trouble exposing critical truths to me, so TIfa's failure at the crater (and up to that point) was frustrating, of course, but not necessarily inconceivable. And while I'm thinking about it, why should Tifa be so sure that Cloud's a real boy, so to speak? Maybe he's recognizable as the guy she grew up with, but PTSD is not the only explanation for why he has such mixed up memories - wouldn't a made up human being be another explanation?

No one has really shared my interpretation of Sephiroth/Jenova, so I will go for it. After the scene in Nibelheim, Sephiroth reveals his new philosophy - humans fucked over his mother, and now he's on her side and against ours. That means he's basically taking on her malevolent life's work of destroying the planet. I don't think Jenova has any independent will at this stage in the story - she probably didn't come out of the box headless, you know? But being a mystical superbeing or whatever her body retains an echo of her former power and Sephiroth employs it to serve his own ends. So it could be said that Sephiroth is subordinate to Jenova, but only in the way that Republicans are subordinate to Reagan.

@dudeglove: I regret my life choices.

Fine...I'll look into putting in at least one spin-off game on a docket that consists of every numbered Final Fantasy game ever made...and that includes the MMOs. Let's all at least agree that I wont be obligated to play any of the mobile Final Fantasy games. I have a high tolerance for bollocks, but there's a limit to everything.

I'm practically going to lose an entire year of my life to Finaol Fanatasy once all of this is done.

The next game after this is Final Fantasy IX and that is because I NEED to see a Final Fantasy game with a tonally consistent and coherent storythat at least accomplishes most of what it sets out to do. I need this more than ever. After IX...I think I have the Final Fantasy X/X-2 HD Remaster on the docket, but I am more than willing to bump it down if everyone would be more interested to see something different. But hey...I think it's best if I continue to ride the Final Fantasy Pain Train.

Choo choo....

This all sounds amazing and something that would make me hate myself more than I could ever imagine. So of course penguin will name drop one of these games instead of something that would bring me joy or pleasure. If I wanted to play just overall "good" JRPGs I wouldn't even know where to start. My pessimism and cynicism have thoroughly warped my brain.

So if he's trying to honor his mother then why does Sephiroth have one of his clones run around the world chopping off bits of her body in order to summon giant horrible Eldritch abominations? Why doesn't he try to bring her back to life, or immediately merge himself with her? Isn't the whole point of Jenova that she's some sort of parasitic alien monster from a meteor?

Here's a fun fact, one of @thatpinguino's close friends considers Dirge of Cerebus, and I am not bullshitting you, to be "one of the best first person shooters on the PlayStation 2." I have no idea how this opinion is possible.

@zombiepie:

Here's a fun fact, one of @thatpinguino's close friends considers Dirge of Cerebus, and I am not bullshitting you, to be "one of the best first person shooters on the PlayStation 2." I have no idea how this opinion is possible.

To be fair, no one holds that person's opinion in very high esteem. He argued that Until Dawn was one of the worst games he's played and he really likes Phantasy Star online-style single player games.

Given how clunky this game seems, I'm now really interested in how that remake will turn out. Maybe the reason they're doing it in episodes is because VII tries to fit so many different gameplay segments and disjointed scenes together. At least, that's what it looks like from the outside looking in.

@sparky_buzzsaw: @jesna: @kid_gloves: @zirilius: @mechamarshmallow: @mikachops: @hassun: @quarters: @onemanarmyy: @beforet: @soimadeanaccount: @teddie: @dudeglove: @mgalchemist: @theblue: @wchigo: @veektarius:

Oh will you look at that, it appears that I am stuck on another portion of the game! It's almost as if the tail end of this game was intended to be the hardest portion of the game...what a shock. Anyways I am going to ask help/advice related to a boss battle. Surprisingly this is the first time I have done so, at least from what I can recall. Anyways let's talk about this asshole:

So Carry Armor is no joke. His opening move has always involved picking up one of my party members and crushing them to death. Do I fight the arms first, even if there is a party member trapped there? I really like it when there are two party members left, and it picks them up and I just have to watch and wait until it kills them both. That's a TON of fun. I feel like I'm doing something wrong here, because thus far this has been the hardest boss in the entire game for me.

lol, I don't know how that happened. It was almost as if you convinced yourself in my place, but I'm not going to complain if I get to experience more of your blogs.

I actually really enjoy IX to a large degree and it's probably my favourite and most replayed of the PS1-era FF games. There's some non-sensical stuff in there as well but not nearly to the degree that you've been exposed to in VII and VIII, but some stuff near the end of the game still doesn't make a whole lotta sense to me. I'll leave it at that to avoid spoilers and I guess that's not saying much anyways consider how little of these games seems to make sense to you. I'd be all for bumping X/X-2 to a later date and slotting in XIII for right after you finish IX. ;D

That seems like an extremely flawed opinion since, as far as I can remember, Dirge is a third-person shooter... o_O;;

@zombiepie: Each arms holds and damages a character until the character dies, the arm is destroyed or until you destroy the main body. (If the main body dies the entire thing dies.) If a character being held is near death it might be worth just letting it die and reviving them afterwards.

Tips:

• It's a machine so it's weak to lightning. Bolt or summons like the Bahamut family, Alexander or that Kjata bull thing will do wonders. Magic Breath will also work. Anything that does lightning damage really.
• Its most devastating attack is the laser beam but it does require MP to use it so if you can deplete its MP there will be no more lasers.
• If you don't have the health to handle his (laser) attacks you can try using Tranquillizers on yourself. This will make your Limit Break fill slower but also reduces physical and magical damage.
• As usual, if you have the Big Guard Enemy Skill then you can make the whole thing very easy. No need for the Tranquilizers in that case because the Mbarrier effect will mitigate the laser's damage while you also get regular Barrier and Haste. A truly OP spell.
• Enemy Skills in general are great. Magic Hammer, Magic Breath, White Wind and Big Guard can make this entire fight (and indeed pretty much any fight) trivial.

@wchigo: You can play Dirge in first person mode. It isn't a good idea, but you can.

You can kill his arms without killing your party members at the same time, but they have around 10k HP according to sources online so that might take awhile. I can't vouch for the validity of the statement but apparently if you damage the arms a little bit, the chances they will pick up one of your party members is vastly reduced (it was said <2.5k damage will reduce the chance to 1/128); take that with a large grain of salt.

Big Guard will be very useful to reduce damage and get your team more actions. If you managed to get the Magic Hammer enemy skill, you can apparently use that twice to deplete his MP, leaving him unable to use his laser move. Otherwise, use anything you have that does Lightning damage, like Bolt+All, Bolt+Elemental, Bolt+MP Turbo, etc. and rush him down.

@zombiepie said:

@sparky_buzzsaw: @jesna: @kid_gloves: @zirilius: @mechamarshmallow: @mikachops: @hassun: @quarters: @onemanarmyy: @beforet: @soimadeanaccount: @teddie: @dudeglove: @mgalchemist: @theblue: @wchigo: @veektarius:

Oh will you look at that, it appears that I am stuck on another portion of the game! It's almost as if the tail end of this game was intended to be the hardest portion of the game...what a shock. Anyways I am going to ask help/advice related to a boss battle. Surprisingly this is the first time I have done so, at least from what I can recall. Anyways let's talk about this asshole:

So Carry Armor is no joke. His opening move has always involved picking up one of my party members and crushing them to death. Do I fight the arms first, even if there is a party member trapped there? I really like it when there are two party members left, and it picks them up and I just have to watch and wait until it kills them both. That's a TON of fun. I feel like I'm doing something wrong here, because thus far this has been the hardest boss in the entire game for me.