Part 121: The Final Countdown And The Quest To Experience The Stupidest Bullshit In Video Game History

As promised, the final edition of my insanely detailed and introspective blog series on Final Fantasy VII is finally here. One thing worth mentioning is the fact that many of you will notice a very common theme on this edition that was not overtly present in previous episodes. I am of course talking about the side-quests in Final Fantasy VII. With the exception of defeating Emerald and Ruby Weapon, I “attempted” every single side quest in Final Fantasy VII that there was to experience. I do however have my limits. I avoided collecting every single Enemy Skill, level 4 Limit Break, and Ultimate Weapon in the game. I am crazy, but I am not THAT crazy.

As many of you may expect I regret my decision making regarding this issue. 90% of the side quests in Final Fantasy VII are just the honest to goodness worst shit in human existence. Their design as well as structure is oftentimes excruciating, and require a great deal of patience on the part of the player. Under normal circumstances I consider myself an incredibly patient person. However, this is Final Fantasy VII we are talking about so by the time I attempted most of these side quests I was already a hollow husk of a man. Worse yet, the rewards for many of these side quests are questionable at best. It’s great that I was able to acquire a summon that essentially “broke” the entire game, but was it really worth subjecting myself to four hours of the most soul-crushingly terrible minigame in the history of all video games? I think you already know the answer to that question.

The fact that I attempted all of Final Fantasy VII’s side quests may come as a surprise to many of you. During an earlier episode of this very blog series I elicited community input regarding this very issue. The response from my dear readers was almost universal: complete two to possibly three of the side quests unless I wanted to question my humanity. For reasons that are entirely my own I ignored this venerable advice, but rest assured that I did indeed end up questioning my own humanity. Oh dear God...why oh why did I decide to complete the Chocobo Racing sidequest?

Part 122: Getting Tifa’s Level 4 Limit Break, And Fuck You Eidos

I understand that I previously mentioned that I was not going to acquire the Level 4 Limit Breaks for every single character in this game. However, I did feel compelled to acquire the Level 4 Limit Breaks for characters that I enjoyed playing in the game. It bears mentioning that my in-game party in Final Fantasy VII almost always comprised of Cloud and Tifa. The handful of times when the story removed the couple from my disposal were the scant few occasions where I didn’t have them together in combat. As such, it made near universal sense that I should take a few minutes of my time to locate the Level 4 Limit Break for Tifa. Easier said than done, right?

Here’s the context behind that shitshow of a screencap. In order to acquire Tifa’s Level 4 Limit Break you have to go through a Byzantine puzzle that only a madman would have designed. The series of events involve you returning to Nibelheim first and foremost. Then you enter Tifa’s former home, and are expected to locate a seemingly random piano in her room. Finally, you are required to play a melody on the aforementioned piano, but you have no clue as to which melody that may be. When and if you do discover the melody THAT IS THE INTERFACE FOR INPUTTING IT INTO THE PIANO!

I mean...where do I even start with this side-quest? Well right off the bat, as you can hopefully see from the image above, the controls for this “minigame” are beyond fucked. I feel entirely comfortable in decrying that the controls here are borderline incoherent. However, this is “window dressing” in comparison to the ultimate problem that I have with this whole ordeal. First things first, what’s Tifa’s Level 4 Limit Break called? Why it’s called “Final Heaven” dear reader. So what melody do you actually need to play on the piano? Why you need to play Tifa’s theme, which happens to be titled “Final Heaven.” When was the first, and ONLY, time we heard this melody? Why that would be way back in Disc One! THAT’S A BUNCH OF HONEST TO GOODNESS BULLSHIT!

Once you manage to parse all of this nonsense out, you quickly acquire Tifa’s Level 4 Limit Break. We are simultaneously treated to a note from Tifa’s former karate instructor, Zangan. While reading the note we discover that Hojo was responsible for putting Cloud and Zack into the Mako reactors after Sephiroth's massacre. The note also informs us that Shinra somehow rebuilt an exact replica of Nibelheim in an attempt to cover-up what happened there. Well then...if this isn’t a perfect example of trying to write oneself out of a hole, then I don’t know what is. Does this inadvertently mean that Shinra deliberately rebuilt Tifa’s home with a piano? Additionally, if Shinra willingly signed off on Hojo turning the former citizens of Nibelheim into robbed mutants, then why didn’t they pick up on the “Reunion” from earlier?

Part 123: Some Bullshit With Giant Robots In It

The party is then whisked away to Junon once again. Luckily this time the player is only subjected to one terrible minigame. Additionally, the submarine minigame pales in comparison to the atrocities that are the marching and snowboarding minigame. That said, it is still A BAD THING! However, we are getting ahead of ourselves now aren’t we? Before I was subjected to minigame based flagellation there was one more soul crushing confrontation for me to deal with. What could I possibly be referencing? Why this asshole to be specific:

The robotic monstrosity seen in the image above is called “Carry Armor,” and he’s a real fucker to say the least. Do not let his goofy looks deceive you. Beneath this horribly impractical design lies one of the most difficult bosses you will ever face in Final Fantasy VII. What could this robotic nightmare possibly have up its sleeve for me to feel comfortable exclaiming this? First off, Carry Armor has two claws which each have the ability to latch onto any of your party members whenever it fucking feels like it.

This poses a problem to the player for two major reasons. Once a character has been snatched by one of Carry Armor’s claws they are essentially dead. When this does happen your choices are to simply wait for Carry Armor to crush the character to death, or to kill the character immediately with one of your own attacks. Do you want to know about something completely awesome that happened to me? During one of my confrontations with Carry Armor it managed to kill one of my characters before it picked up anyone. Realizing that it had the “high ground” Carry Armor proceeded to have its next two attacks be picking up the remaining two characters with its claws. I then had to watch it slowly crush Yuffie and Cloud to death until I received my game over.

The second issue that you have to contend with regarding Carry Armor is its high damage attack that it magically develops once it reaches low health. Now I have no idea who at Squaresoft thought that this was a wonderful idea, but I’ll just say that I hope that they are not making video games anymore. This is the fifth or sixth time this has happened in this game alone, and it is still a beastly problem to contend with. Not only that, but I recall this happening during my Final Fantasy VIII playthrough as well! So let’s all just come together and agree that this shit needs to stop because it results in needless frustration that no one deserves subjecting themselves to.

Part 124: Will The Real Villain of Final Fantas...Oh Wait I’ve Already Done That Joke Before.

Beyond the soul crushing difficulty associated with Carry Armor the sequence in the submarine bay is yet another case of wasted potential. The game, as well as its developers, could have provided audiences with an espionage infused infiltration sequence that pined for what was accomplished during the initial reactor sequence. However, here the party’s infiltration is played mostly for yucks and that is a hard pill to swallow to say the least. It is important to note that the last legitimate story sequence saw Cloud come to terms with his own identity and humanity. Providing Cloud with the opportunity to showcase his newfound confidence in a spectacular fashion not only would have reinforced his characterization, but it would have also reinvigorated the player at this point.

Alright, so let’s address something that occurs while you are exploring the Junon Harbor during this sequence that I found beyond baffling. In a variety of in-game scenarios Final Fantasy VII provides scenes where it attempts to humanize Shinra’s everyday soldiers within the underwater submarine dock. The first of these incredibly awkward confrontations occurs when your motley crew commanders an elevator. Immediately they notice, predictably I might add, that the elevator is populated by two Shinra grunts. You witness these two soldiers flirting with a female compatriot, and then exclaiming exasperation over their hapless luck when they notice Cloud:

After you off the two it is heavily implied that you unnecessarily murdered these two helpless levy men. Worse yet, the female compatriot in the elevator indicates that she consented to their flirtations from earlier.

This spotty characterization of Shinra continues as you progress through the harbor. When you finally commandeer the last Shinra submarine you encounter your old Shinra peers that taught you how to march. To make matters worse they still act like their old goofy personalities from before, and even exclaim “I still have so much to live for!”

I do not have an aversion towards a story attempting to place a face on their villains. I do however feel the need to question why Final Fantasy VII has waited until now to do so. Not only that, but how Final Fantasy VII goes about putting a face on Shinra is beyond off-putting, and downright contradictory. Certainly you developed the sense that the soldiers within Shinra have no idea of the company’s inner machinations. What with the tomfoolery during the marching sequence, and color guard minigame, I already developed a sense that the soldiers that populated Shinra were just everyday people. Needless to say those sequences occurred hours ago, and the game has failed to reinforce such characterization since then. Furthermore, since that hilarious minigame of contemptible quality graced our existence we have already witnessed Shinra’s grunts commit multiple acts of genocide. So honestly, why is any of this here?

Did the writers realize how inconsistent its characterization of Shinra is? God I hope so! It bears repeating that a few scenes ago we witnessed Shinra soldiers commit acts of genocide, as well as crimes against humanity. Now here we are, and Shinra is being depicted as some sort of brotherhood of friends and like-minded individuals. I mean honestly what the fuck is this nonsense all about? As they oftentimes say “you can't have your cake and eat it,” and here we are once again left to our own devices to try and piece together a coherent narrative within Final Fantasy VII. The fact that I have to is a sore point to say the least.

Part 126: What The Fuck Is Up With Cloud’s Animation in the Submarine

No really, what the fuck is up with this animation:

All joshing aside, I genuinely appreciated what was attempted in this scene, even if the end results were hilarious to look at. Cloud, who has previously been established as having claustrophobia, experiences a panic attack when he finally enters the bowels of the submarine. Cloud then has to have his fellow team members recalibrate him in order to bring him back to his senses, and able to function as their leader. It is a fun call back as well as a nice little character moment in an otherwise contemptible sequence. It once again highlights that the supporting cast truly do care for Cloud, and support him as their leader on this journey. You have to love it when a story takes the time to put in small details like this.

What this scene does highlight is something that I think Final Fantasy VII’s fandom, as well as Square Enix themselves, have completely forgotten: Cloud has emotional range in Final Fantasy VII. Time and time again people forget that in Final Fantasy VII Cloud is continually depicted as being both comedic, as well as open about his vulnerabilities. For the purposes of the story I think this does wonders for the player, as they are then able to see the world from his perspective more easily. However, this aspect of Cloud has been entirely forgotten, and that’s a damn shame. In Advent Children Cloud is a brooding and incredibly “angsty” protagonist that practically needs to be begged to get involved in the story. Remember when Cloud took the time to try and comfort Yuffie as she was suffering her motion sickness with a sense of compassion? Remember when Cloud started cracking jokes with Barret, and even adopted his slang in an attempt to inspire the crew?

Anyways, I ended up sparing the Shinra soldiers that you confront inside the submarine. They were goofy characters that I didn’t exactly feel compelled to murder. That said, I found it hilarious that they remain in the submarine for the rest of the game. By saving them you get to watch cutscenes that feature a couple of Shinra blokes just aimlessly standing in the background. Here’s what I am talking about:

Part 125: Oh Boy! It’s Time For Another Vehicle Minigame!

Are you ready for me to grouse about yet another minigame that seems entirely out of place, and controls like hot garbage? Well I sure do hope so, because it is time to talk about the submarine minigame. Now the mouse and keyboard controls for the submarine were NOT as horrid as the controls for the snowboarding minigame, but they sure weren’t what the doctor ordered! Once again I was forced to tolerate a control scheme that was either designed by someone intoxicated, or better yet, someone who has never actually seen a QWERTY keyboard:

Now I could moan and groan about how firing the torpedoes is located on the [Insert]-key, or how the arrow keys are inverted, but that would be ignoring the elephant in the room. The simple truth is that this minigame is just not a lot of fun to play. Admittedly, it is far from being the most egregious folly that the game has subjected me to, but it is far from being praiseworthy. Players are tossed into a cyberpunk inspired ocean floor, and are expected to know exactly what all of the flashing sprites on the screen signify. Yes, there is an actual manual that explains what the mission objective was, but the manual failed to properly prepare me for the visual diarrhea that I was about to witness. It’s another case of Squaresoft having a team of developers work on a minigame in isolation from the proper game, as well as the previous minigames preceding this one.

The absolutely most bizarre aspect of this minigame is without a doubt the visual design of the level. The ocean depths that you navigate through during this sequence bear no resemblance to how the sea floor is depicted latter. In fact, I would hazard a guess and postulate that whoever designed this minigame read William Gibson’s “Neuromancer” one too many times. I say this because rather than looking like the depths of an ocean the environment here looks like a 90s era hacking minigame. Instead of worrying about enemy subs part of my subconscious was prepared to deal with SHODAN or Master Control Program. As you finally realize that the floating prisms are NOT power ups, and instead are mines, your target is fathoms away from you. I ended up wasting approximately four to five minutes on this minigame just needlessly trying to navigate the ocean depths. This was all in a desperate attempt to try and relocate the Red Shinra Submarine. Once I had I quickly discovered that you simply need to mash on the “Fire” button in order to win this mission.

Part 126: Hey What’s This Giant Green Thing Floating in the Ocean?

THIRTY SECONDS LATTER

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Okay then...I lost about two hours worth of in-game progress thanks to Emerald Weapon. That’s not great. In fact, I feel rather comfortable in calling this a “DICK MOVE” on the part of the developers! Now certainly not saving inside the submarine when I had the chance was me being a dumbass, but how the fuck was I supposed to know what Emerald Weapon was? You come back down to the ocean floor to pick up the shit you were supposed to pick up in the first place, but lo and behold, there’s a giant green robot that can kill you in twenty seconds! FUCK THAT! That’s a BUNCH OF BULLSHIT!

Don’t even get me started about Emerald Weapon’s spawn points! One of these spawn points blocks an actual location that you really should take the time to explore, and another features Emerald Weapon roaming the ocean aimlessly. This in turn means that Emerald Weapon could bump into you without you even knowing it. Considering the fact that Emerald Weapon is the second hardest boss battle in the entire game, I feel self-assured in saying that is FUCKED! This entire situation is a crock of shit that Squaresoft tried to convince me was a chocolate sundae.

Wait a minute, isn’t Emerald Weapon supposed to be protecting the planet from irreparable harm, as well as irreversible environmental damage? So why is it wasting its time roaming the ocean, and in effect waiting for threats to come to it? At least Ultimate and Diamond Weapon actively seek out humanity! Isn’t Shinra trying to install a giant laser cannon in Midgar? Why don’t all of the remaining Weapons work together and attack the Sister Ray from multiple directions? That fucking cannon takes forever to reload, and it isn’t exactly installed on the most responsive pivot. What about Sephiroth? Why aren’t these abominations seeking out and attempting to eliminate Sephiroth, and/or JENOVA? Isn’t JENOVA the sole reason why they were summoned two thousand years ago? What the fuck are Ruby and Emerald Weapon doing for the entirety of the game? Oh I know what they did! They set my in-game progress back another two hours! Whatever, Emerald Weapon and Ruby Weapon can go fuck themselves, and I can confidently say that I have no aspirations in attempting to legitimately defeat them.

Part 127: Lucrecia's Crystal Cave And Window Dressing For a Nothing Character

So we are now off to provide an optional character, that is ultimately pointless to the completion of the plot, with their character moment! My cynicism aside, at least Vincent has a better story arc than Yuffie. Yuffie’s appeal comes from her quips during cutscenes and pre-battle moments. Vincent at the very least has a backstory that justifies his gothic wardrobe. However, much like Yuffie, I can’t help but feel that the game could have done more to develop Vincent as a truly memorable member of the cast.

Once the player has a submarine at their disposal they essentially have almost all of the overworld at their fingertips...key word on “almost.” One of the first new locations that I set out to explore was “Lucrecia’s Cave,” and boy howdy is there a lot to talk about this location. Firstly, it is a pain in the ass to get to. You have to pilot the submarine to a far off corner of the ocean floor in order to locate a crevice that practically blends into the environment.

Once you navigate through the crevice you shuttle the submarine back to the surface in order to continue your journey. Here you immediately see a waterfall that is predictably concealing a cave that the player is expected to spelunk through. With Vincent in tow you discover that his former squeeze is alive...and has been waiting for him for what I can only believe has been years. Wait, what the fuck? So Lucrecia got Jenova cells injected into her fetus, and somehow that is preventing her from dying. Either the Lifestream is rejecting her, or Jenova is secretly the fountain of youth. Yes, I get that the fetus turned out to be Sephiroth, but that ends up making this whole ordeal even more confusing.

This grousing aside the flashback that you promptly witness is well done. It is a quick little moment that sheds new light on both Vincent, as well as Sephiroth. Here you watch Vincent come to terms with Lucrecia falling in love with Hojo, as well as his protests regarding their Jenova experiments. The revelation regarding Sephiroth’s progeny is an incredibly impactful moment in the game. What is less commendable is how the game never builds upon any of this.

Immediately after the flashback Lucrecia asks Vincent if Sephiroth is still alive, and realizing the gravity of the question he lies and informs her that Sephiroth is dead. Then the scene just ends, and Lucrecia disappears forever. That’s it...that’s all that happens. You never discover exactly what Hojo did to Vincent, or why Lucrecia was in this cave in the first place. It’s almost as if the writers had an interesting idea when it came to Vincent, but no idea as to how they should conclude his story arc. There’s no sense of a conclusion with Vincent, nor do you have a clear sense that he has effectively conquered his demons like the other members of the cast do. But hey, at least you can learn more about Vincent’s dark and tortured past by playing some bullshit spin-off game!

You are certainly provided with some interesting background information, but the game can’t even commit to the canon that it creates here! When you eventually confront Hojo during a latter part of the game he dramatically reveals himself to be Sephiroth’s father. The problem with that is he says this information in dramatic fashion regardless of you having gone to Lucrecia’s cave or not. Worse yet, all of the characters, Vincent included, act surprised when Hojo says all of this.

There’s another weird issue regarding Vincent that I feel compelled to discuss. Much like Cloud, Vincent is a bit of an oddity in regards to his depiction throughout Final Fantasy VII canon. Despite him being re-framed as a dower vagabond, his depiction in Final Fantasy VII is entirely the opposite of that. Time and time again Vincent is depicted as cracking jokes and bonding with the other members of the cast. Not only that, but Vincent continually is seen comforting and supporting Cloud throughout the story. Now I’m between two worlds here. On one hand I enjoy characters that are seen conveying a multitude of emotions like real human-beings. On the other hand, I understand Square's perspective in wanting to make millions of dollars on a character that embodies a lifestyle that many teenagers and young adults subscribe to. In fact...I think we can all relate to wanting to make a little moolah here and there.

Part 128: Some Bullshit Under The Sea

Not entirely ready to subject myself to the main story of Final Fantasy VII; I continued to pilot the submarine in a quest to explore the game’s more obscure goodies. This meant that I eventually came across the “Sunken Gelnika.” Golly gee willikers was I NOT prepared to explore this environment! To say that there is some “fucked up stuff” in the Sunken Gelnika would be a horrible understatement. I have been informed from multiple people that Final Fantasy games tend to have secret locations that are filled to the brim with the hardest random encounters. The Sunken Gelnika serves that purpose in Final Fantasy VII. For example, at one point I found myself fighting the Flying Spaghetti Monster:

Oh and for some reason Reno and Rude are here...BECAUSE "REASONS" THAT'S WHY!

The ultimate issue that I have with the monsters that populate the Sunken Gelnika stems from their over reliance on status ailments. You’ll head into a confrontation with a random deformed biological experiment, and think nothing of it. Then, on the first turn the aforementioned deformed biological experiment casts “Confuse” on the one member of your party that DOES NOT have a Ribbon. This wonderful situation plays out exactly as you might expect. However, I take solace knowing that remaining victorious over any of these encounters draws in AP as if I have won the lottery. Now I’ll let you in on another recurring theme on this blog entry. Before completing Final Fantasy VII I sought out every opportunity to fundamentally break the game. When I entered the Sunken Gelnika I immediately had all of my characters equip as many copies of the All Materia that I had at my disposal. Now you may be asking why I would I do that, and the answer is rather simple. A fully leveled All Materia sells for 1.4 million Gil, and selling a single mastered All Materia forever breaks the in-game economy.

Much like the Deep Sea Research Facility from Final Fantasy VIII; the Sunken Gelnika boasts powerful baddies and boss fights, while simultaneously sporting some of the best weapons and spells in the game. Yuffie’s and Cid’s ultimate weapons and level four Limit Breaks are respectively found here, and better yet you can also locate the Double Cut Materia. Double Cut allows a character to attack twice in succession, and in my opinion, is one of the strongest pieces of Materia in the game. This is particularly the case for characters that are focused on regular attacks rather than magic-based attacks. To say that it greatly assisted me in cruising through the last two to three chapters of Final Fantasy VII would be an understatement. On the final floor you also end up scrounging the Hades Summon Materia, which is a relatively weak summon, but incredibly useful when paired up with the Added Effect Materia. When all things are considered the Sunken Gelnika is a slog, but a necessary slog that anyone playing this game should subject themselves to. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same about the next side quest nonsense that I subjected myself to….

Part 129: I Died For Your Sins

So before I share the existential crisis that I quickly found myself falling into; let me share with you the idea that I had running through my head as I entered the horrible world of Chocobo Breeding. At the very beginning of all of this I said to myself: “Hey Chris (which is my name by the way), you have managed to acquire every single Summon in the two Final Fantasy games that you have played! Why stop now?” So before you call me an “idiot,” at least concede that I had the best intentions. I jumped into this with a heart of gold so to speak.

Breeding Chocobos is negative fun. It’s not positive fun, nor is it zero fun...it is “NEGATIVE FUN.” At no point did I feel empowered or enthralled with what I was subjecting myself to. At no point did I feel entertained with what I was subjecting myself to. Finally, at no point did I subject myself to a minigame that featured good design choices. What I instead felt was this soul crushing sense of powerlessness as the life from my body was being sucked away. It was almost as if the Devil was vacuuming away my soul, and every fiber of my being was being painstakingly removed. Everything about breeding and racing the Chocobos is such a massive unbearable waste of time that I'm honestly struggling to describe. How many ways can a person call something “bad,” without sounding like they are repeating themselves?

I wasted FIVE hours of my life trying to get a Golden Chocobo. FIVE...MOTHER...FUCKING...HOURS! I will never get those hours of my life back, and all I can say to you now is that I honestly regret my life choices. Anyways, let’s take the time to meticulously breakdown exactly why this is a bad thing.

Part 130: I've Got My Money On My Chocobos, And My Chocobos On My Money

The goal to this quest is so simple on paper. The sequence to success here is to breed a Blue, Green, Black, and finally a Gold Chocobo. Needless to say, the game manages to make the simple process of catching and raising Chocobos an unbearable bore. Before you can even contemplate starting this side quest you are going to need a TON of Gil. The pens for the Chocobos alone are going to each cost you 10,000 Gil a pop, and there are a total of six pens. On top of that you are also going to need to spend around 150,000 Gil on Sylkis Greens from the fucking Chocobo Sage. Now that we have all of the mise en place squared away we must certainly be ready to catch the Chocobos, right?

Before we can just slop our way to the nearest Chocobo tracks we have to ensure that we are catching the “correct” Chocobos. Now what in the world could I mean by that? Well you see every single wild Chocobo in the game is rated from “Wonderful” to “Terrible.” Now these statuses directly translate to the racing stats of the wild Chocobos that you catch. Normally I would go into more detail as to what these stats are, but the game never surfaces any of this information to you until AFTER you capture the Chocobo. To make matters even worse, there is nothing in-game to differentiate the genders of the wild Chocobo until after you attempt to place them in a pen. So if you are like me, you will end up rebooting your game again and again until you have one male, and one female Chocobo of the intended breeds.

Part 131: We Are Off To The Races!

So here I am, magically in possession of two “Great” Chocobos, each with a different gender! Boy was that a massive pain in my rear end. That could only mean that it is time to make our chickens procreate, right? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE! Because whoever designed this side-quest is a massive prick, we have to RACE OUR CHOCOBOS in order to have a fair shot at breeding the different colored Chocobos that we want. In this case we are looking for a Green and Blue Chocobo, each with a different gender. So we are off to the races, but before we do that let’s inject our two Great Chocobos with steroids...no wait I mean the Sylkis Greens that we bought from the Chocobo Sage. Doing this ensures that our Chocobos are always miles ahead of their competition. In fact, for much of the game roiding up your Chocobos ensures that the actual races are the most benign part of the entire side quest. That is of course until this asshole starts racing you:

Now this Bandito asshole is a solid TWO MOTHERFUCKING LEVELS above anyone else that I saw in “Class B.” Had I not discovered how to refill my Chocobo’s stamina while racing I would have NEVER been able to beat him. Now once I had won about four races between my two Chocobos I was finally prepared to breed them, BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE, BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE'S FUCKING MORE! Why is that? BECAUSE FUCK YOU, AND FUCK ME THAT'S WHY! In order to breed your fucking Chocobos you need to provide them with wild nuts in order to get them in the reproducing mood. Now because I was aiming for a Blue and Green Chocobo I had to acquire two Carob Nuts. Now where can you find these nuts? Why you have to steal these nuts from a giant red dinosaur that has a ridiculous amount of HP! What a wonderful goddamned video game! Okay then, so we have our nut, the Chocobos have been raced, they both are of above average quality, and I have thoroughly roided them up. Certainly this must mean that the hardest part of the side quest is over, right? I mean I now have a blue female Chocobo to boot:

Well of course the worst isn’t even close to being over because we can’t just have our Chocobos immediately poop out another baby! Instead, we have to leave the Chocobo Farm and subject ourselves to about ten random encounter battles that we are not allowed to run away from. This is what my life has come to...dealing with random encounter battles so I can have my yellow chickens fuck. Luckily for me I only needed to complete a minimum number of random encounters before my chickens had completed their refractory period. So that must mean that it’s time to play some Isaac Hayes music, and get to the salacious fun that is chicken breeding! Well, yes it is, but there’s one major problem with that. My Blue Chocobo from earlier is female, and for the life of me I could not get my Chocobo’s to plop out a male Green Chocobo. Here’s what I got the first time:

Here’s what I got after praying to God for mercy:

Here’s what I got after I began to contemplate the meaning of human existence:

It was at this exact moment that Final Fantasy VII finally “broke” me. I mean why am I doing this? Who am I? Who are you? Why are any of us here?

Part 132: Here’s the Music Video to Enya’s “Only Time,” BECAUSE I JUST CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE!

I just honestly can’t even guys. I just...I just can’t. I can’t.

I can’t do this anymore. It’s the worst thing ever. I just want to get this summon and move on with my life. That’s all I want. I just want to be able to have all of the summons in this game...is that too much to ask for? But fuck it! Here’s more MOTHERFUCKING Enya for you to listen to as I fall deeper into this self-induced existential crisis:

Part 133: BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE

After listening to about half of Enya’s library I somehow was able to breed a male Green Chocobo. With this release I thought my suffering was over, but the key word there is “thought.” That is because we now need to win approximately NINE races between our Green and Blue Chocobos. This was actually easier said than done, because after I fed each of my Chocobos about twenty Sylkis Greens each, my neon colored chickens were prepared to annihilate the competition. What I wasn’t prepared for was the fact that I needed to “wait” for an appropriate amount of time to pass before I could have my Blue and Green Chocobos breed. Fucking fuck this bullshit. What the fuck is even happening anymore?

This meant that I had to successfully complete around fifteen random encounters. In the meantime I also needed to steal ANOTHER fucking Carob Nut from one of those giant red dinosaurs. Additionally, I also needed to acquire a wild “Wonderful” Chocobo to breed with my Black Chocobo. As you might expect getting each of these Chocobos to have compatible genders was not a fun time. Once I had managed to accomplish this feat of magic it was time to subject myself to ANOTHER arbitrary number of Chocobo Races. Fuck me...fuck my life...fuck me forever. This time I needed to win twelve races in order to increase my odds of breeding a Golden Chocobo.

At some point the actual racing portion of this nonsense stopped being easy. This was especially the case once my Chocobos had entered the “S-Class” of races. So at that point basically everything about breeding the Chocobos was a horrible slog that made me regret my life choices. Needless to say I was able to win the proper number of races, but that meant that I still had to complete a number of meaningless side tasks before I could finally breed a Golden Chocobo. Firstly, I needed to steal a Zeio Nut from a Goblin, which might I add can only be found on the undeveloped islands on the Northeastern portion of the overworld. Then, after acquiring the proper nut I once again had to complete an arbitrary number of random battles before my final two Chocobos were old enough to breed. The worst part about this is not only do you not have any idea as to how many battles you need to fight, but it just would have been better if the aging of the Chocobos was timed. Instead of random battles how about having the Chocobos age according to how much in-game time has passed? That sounds like a far simpler solution than having me fight a number of needless random encounters. Was no single person thinking logically when they were making this side quest? Was this side quest secretly developed by robots that are planning to exterminate the human race?

Well whatever, I finally got this motherfucking Golden Chocobo:

Part 134: Was It Worth It?

Short Answer: No

Long Answer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Well...that’s not entirely true. What you end up getting out of completing the Chocobo Breeding side-quest is without a doubt incredibly useful in terms of defeating anything that you encounter in the game. Are any of these resources necessary towards completing the game? Absolutely not, and that’s why I honestly feel that no one should ever try to actually complete the Chocobo Racing questline legitimately. If you really want to see these spells in action I would recommend using a cheat engine that allows you to immediately gain access to all of these spells with as little hassle as possible. With that said let’s review what the goodies are before moving on:

Name of the Materia	Where You Find It	What Does It Do?
Quadra Magic Materia	In a cave east of Mideel that is surrounded by shallow water.	Quadra Magic allows you to cast a paired materia four times instead of just once. Pairing Quadra Magic with Ultima or Comet provides the best in-game results. Quadra Magic CANNOT be paired with Knights of the Round, but it is still AWESOME!
Mime Materia	In a cave east of Wutai that is surrounded by mountains.	Mime allows a character to repeat the most recent attack that your party has performed. Mime uses far less MP than the original command would. Mime is best used after a character has cast a properly paired Quadra Magic spell. Mime also works with summons.
HP<-->MP Materia	In a cave near Mount Corel past a river and by a mountain range.	Swaps a character's HP with their MP. I have no idea why anyone would use this Materia, and personally have never used it once during my playthrough.
Knights of the Round Materia	The Knights of the Round Materia is located in a far off cave hidden in the upper corner of the overworld. This cave can only be reached by using a Golden Chocobo, and is the only real reason why anyone would subject themselves to the Chocobo Breeding questline.	This is the most powerful summon in the entire game. However, the summon takes forever to play out.

So as you can see all of these spells are incredibly powerful and essentially break the game. However, as I have already mentioned it is NOT worth your time to try and acquire these Materia as the game intended. This questline ended up reminding me of my favorite aspect of Final Fantasy VIII, and that’s the fact that you can all but break the game within the first couple of hours. Now while I do question whether this was intentional or not; I do find it praiseworthy that Final Fantasy VIII allowed me to cruise through its story with relative ease before its first disc was completed. With Final Fantasy VII the combat doesn’t really open up, and allow you to feel comfortable with your challenges until the third disc. While Final Fantasy VIII provided you with an almost instantaneous sense of empowerment; Final Fantasy VII subjects you to high risk and worrisome scenarios until the very end. I’m between two worlds in regards to which is the better alternative. My brain tells me that VII is the more logical and straightforward system, but my heart reminds me that I had more fun with VIII’s hackneyed design.

Part 135: On The Road Again, Just Can't Wait To Get On The Road Again

Alright, enough with the dicking around, let’s get back to progressing the story. We last left our motley crew as they were on a quest to acquire a number of Huge Materia from Shinra. Now for those of you that may have forgotten, and I don’t blame you if you have, Shinra appears to have a clear plan in terms of what they want to use the Huge Materia for. Shinra plans on using the rocket ship from Rocket Town as a vehicle to pilot the volatile Huge Materia into the meteor. From Shinra’s perspective the Huge Materia have within them an immense amount of energy that they believe will be powerful enough to blow up the meteor, or at the very least nudge it away from the planet. Now I’m gonna be honest with you, but I found this to be an entirely reasonable proposal for saving the planet from what I can only assume will be its apocalypse.

I mean be honest, why exactly aren’t we using the Huge Materia to blow up the most immediate threat to all life as we know it? Was it something about how each of these fragments of Materia contain within them a piece of ancient knowledge from the Cetra? WELL FUCK THE CETRA!The planet is about to be destroyed by a giant meteor! It’s time to get selfish and save own asses before we think about the past. I mean for fuck’s sake! Cloud doesn’t really develop a plan to stop the meteor until we only have a couple of days to stop it! So please tell me, but who is the real hero in this scenario?

Well whatever, we are off to acquire the last piece of Huge Materia from the rocket ship in Rocket Town. Here we blow through a number of Shinra grunts which have mysteriously gone back to being shamelessly evil, as well as our good friend Rude from the Turks. The boss battle here barely qualifies as one as you off him in a matter of seconds...especially if you have Quadra Damage. Wait, what the fuck? I thought the game was beyond this kind of shit, and was trying to go back to building up the Turks as this awesome threat? Well isn’t this a spectacular case of “fuck all!”

You end up getting locked into the rocket ship as it lifts off and begins its collision course towards the meteor. For reasons that are never revealed to the player the characters just seem to forget this fact, and nonchalantly attempt to find a way to escape from their impending doom. I shit you not, once the spaceship enters the stratosphere Cid suddenly decides to become a waxing poetic, and everyone just stops to listen to him. As he goes about his meaning in life, and what his life aspirations are, everyone just forgets that they are on a rocket ship that is about to crash into a giant space meteor.

Part 136: The Story Ruins Cid

Cid’s character moment is a weird beast to try and tackle. The initial speech that Cid makes to Cloud is a touching and persuasive argument in favor of technology. This was a bit of a blindside considering that the entire game has practically bludgeoned the player to death with the naturalistic fallacy up to this point. Cid’s questioning of the importance of Materia, as well as people's blind reliance on the planet, is an incredibly powerful impression to put forward to the player. In fact, many of the claims that he purports during this scene seemed to strike a balance between the two dominant forces in Final Fantasy VII’s story.

Then once we are actually in space Cid just forgets about everything he just said, and asks that we move on. The game had something beautiful in its hands, and then it just crushed it into dust. I just...I have no words to properly describe my disappointment with what I have just witnessed.

Here we have a character that could of had class, and could have been a contender. Instead Cid ends up coming across as a selfish prick who only has his own self-interest in mind. Rather than progressing Cid forward the game almost entirely regresses him back to being the uncouth vagabond that we first met. While there were plenty of hints and posturings that Cid had a different perspective to provide the player, nothing happens. This whole moment just left me with this empty feeling inside, as well as a bad taste in my mouth.

What left an even worst taste in my mouth was how you snatched the Huge Materia from its container in the rocket ship. After perusing the ship Cid and Cloud locate the Huge Materia in a nest of wires and electronic displays. Now in order to release the Huge Materia from its cannister the player must input a number of button prompts before the timer expires. What hints do you have regarding the correct series of inputs? Why the answer to that question is: JACK SHIT! Certainly Cid provides a handful of hints as to how to input the correct password, but that doesn't address the fundamental problem that I have with this scenario. Yet again Final Fantasy VII provides a puzzle that is best solved using brute force rather than trying to decipher some type of in-game logic.

Now it’s not all doom and gloom. Cid’s moment with Shera ALMOST redeems the regression of his character development. Witnessing Shera’s earlier hunch that the oxygen tanks were faulty, and having that fault rear its ugly head on Cid, is a wonderful callback. Watching Shera and the party pull Cid from debris as they have mere moments to escape the rocket is the best thing that happens here. It provides Cid with an opportunity to convey some much needed humility towards Shera, and their relationship progresses in a simple, but at the very least, sensible manner.

This is then complemented with an incredibly out of character moment for Cid on the Highwind. Cid goes back to his waxing poetic nature from earlier, but this time with a sense of permanency. While on the Highwind, Cid comments on a need to protect the planet due to his observation from outer space of the planet’s miniscule status in the universe. It’s a speech that permeates the tone of Carl Sagan’s “A Pale Blue Dot” reflection, albeit, lacking the emotional gravitas of Sagan’s words. It’s still a touching and powerful moment nonetheless, and one that I felt the game should have introduced on the rocket ship, and reinforced on the Highwind.

Oh, and by the way, Shinra’s plan fails which means we still have this giant meteor that is about to destroy all life as we know it:

Part 137: Returning to GODDAMNED Cosmo Canyon

It appears that my previous prediction that I was done with Cosmo Canyon was incorrect, and this is much to my own chagrin by the way. It is suggested by Red XIII that Bugenhagen most likely will be able to direct us on where we need to go to next. Once we reach Bugenhagen’s observatory we are subjected to another one of his yippie dippy hippie bullshit speeches about how the answer to our question can be found within us. Fucking FANTASTIC! Once you have been subjected to a solid two to three minutes of Bugenhagen’s bullshit Cloud exclaims that he thinks Aeris is the key towards saving the planet.

SURPRISE! It appears that Aeris possibly died for a reason, and we need to discover what that reason was! Before we talk about where our adventures will take us next I just want to take some time to point out how much of a hypocrite Bugenhagen is. Firstly, this is a “preservationist” that somehow has a high tech observatory that can observe every celestial body in the universe. In fact, if you talk to Cait Sith while Bugenhagen is on the Highwind he will reveal that Bugenhagen use to be an employee of Shinra. Vincent supports this hunch and goes even further and states that much of the technology that we saw in the observatory came from Professor Gast. Finally, when you give Bugenhagen the Huge Materia he places it in his observatory where the knowledge and beauty of the Materia can never be shared with the rest of the world, and can only be enjoyed by a social elite like himself.

So what I am really saying is this: FUCK BUGENHAGEN, AND FUCK COSMO CANYON! Oh and FUCK CAIT SITH! There’s a scene where CAit Sith makes light of Aeris’s adopted mother crying about Aeris’s death! I wish I was fucking lying about that last bit!

Part 138: Returning To The Forgotten City And A Big “Fuck You” To The Audience

Bugenhagen comes up with the wonderful idea that there might be secrets worth uncovering at the Forgotten City, which is where Aeris was murdered by Sephiroth. When you enter the capital city of the Cetra you watch Bugenhagen zip towards a fountain that is magically glowing in the center of the screen. After you spend some time gazing at the fountain Bugenhagen declares that it is missing a key that you hopefully picked up at the bottom of the ocean while you were piloting the submarine. I knew to do that because at this point I gave ZERO FUCKS, and was using a guide to get to the end of the game. Now if you were following the game via the normal progression of its story you would have no idea to pick up a random key in an obscured cavern at the bottom of the ocean. That is why I think this moment is a “jerk move,” on the part of the developers.

All this grousing aside, what is the ultimate purpose of this scene? Bugenhagen uses the key to communicate with the planet, and we discover that the powerful spell “Holy” is the only thing that can prevent the meteor from destroying the world as we know it. Unfortunately for our cast, and everyone we know and love for that matter, Bugenhagen informs us that Holy is indiscriminate. It eliminates everything that is harmful to the planet, and that may well include the humans that are populating the planet.

The scene that follows is far more important. Here we watch a projection system as it displays an image of Aeris, and we discover that she has already prayed for “Holy.” Unfortunately, Sephiroth’s presence in the Lifestream is blocking Holy from occurring. This gives our party an immediate purpose and direction. Sephiroth is now our immediate concern and the key towards saving the planet that everyone in our party loves so much. Oh, but before we can do that a giant Weapon surfaces from the ocean, and lumbers towards Midgar.

Part 139: Diamond Weapon and Rufus Are Terrible At Their Jobs

Now before I err towards the nitpicky asshole that many of you have become accustomed to; I want to go on record and say that at this point forward Final Fantasy VII becomes an almost unmitigated roller-coaster of fun and breathtaking moments. From your battle with the enormous Diamond Weapon to the final end scene; Final Fantasy VII ends on an incredibly strong note. Every scene after this point plays an active role in heightening the stakes, or building up the sense that we are drawing near the climactic conclusion of the story. Are there bumps and bruises along the way? Certainly there are, but they are minor scuffs at best. Better yet, the pacing of the final act of Final Fantasy VII is near perfect with the party coming together for a final time and working together with a clear purpose.

That to me is a great segue into my impressions of the battle with Diamond Weapon. While I certainly wished that Diamond Weapon sauntered toward Midgar faster than he did, this is besides the point. The game creates a true sense of dread in the player that they are about to confront something that they simply are not ready to face. This is painfully true once the battle begins. Your best attacks on Diamond Weapon at best scuff its impressive armor, and its attacks are always an issue you must contend with. Diamond Weapon’s immunity to physical attacks was a genius design decision that further highlights the gravity of the situation your party is in.

Diamond Weapon eventually lumbers away from your party, and recognizing that it is above your skill level Cloud and company permit it to go its own way. In the meantime, Shinra powers up its Sister Ray cannon and aims it towards Diamond Weapon. Now I could bemoan the lack of logic of Diamond Weapon sauntering maybe two yards to the left or right in order to avoid this plasma bolt, but that would be nitpicking for the sake of it. The destruction of Diamond Weapon is a visually stunning and gripping moment that simply took my breath away. This is then complemented with Rufus’s comeuppance which I also greatly enjoyed.

If there’s one issue that I have with the conclusion of Disc Two it’s simply that I feel that Hojo never feels like a justified villain to transition to. In fact, much of what you face-off against in Midgar feels like the writers finding the need to leave no stone unturned. In this one set piece you eventually find yourself offing the board of directors of Shinra, The Turks, and finally Hojo. This feels a bit too rushed in my opinion, but at least the game never loses its momentum. If anything I will declare this complaint a “necessary evil” in order to maintain the high stakes that the battle with Diamond Weapon built up. It is downright AMAZING how the game manages to blend its set pieces into its narrative, rather than having scenes that feel out of place or there for the sake of it.

Part 140: Final Housekeeping

All righty then, let’s review the final sidequests that I completed before moving towards the “point of no return” in the game. I am NOT going to break down each of these sidequests in meticulous detail as I normally would on account of most of them feeling like a gigantic waste of my goddamned time. That said, I do feel obligated to share my final impressions with each of them to you. So here we go:

Name of Sidequest	Evidence of Completion	Final Impressions
Da-Chao Fire Cavern		Getting the Leviathan Scales is practically unavoidable when you first attempt to commandeer the submarine. Taking the time to fulfill the final part of this quest, which is to use the scales in a cavern in Wutai, is benign at worst. The items that you acquire here are “nice,” but not critical. Their usefulness highly depends on how much you use Yuffie as they all related to stealth as well as improving Yuffie in combat. As a result, I ended up appreciating this side-quest more than I had any right to.
Ultimate Weapon Battle		Beating Ultimate Weapon is debatable for a normal playthrough of the game. Acquiring Cloud’s ultimate weapon, which just so happens to be named “Ultima Weapon,” is highly useful in combat during the final stages of the game. It’s still entirely possible to complete the game without it, and there are a number of headaches that this side-quest induces on the player. Firstly, you fight Ultimate on multiple occasions. After your first encounter, which I ended immediately by casting Knights of the Round, Ultimate Weapon darts around the overworld until selecting its next location. Hopefully you are luckier than I was and are able to immediately locate and/or follow Ultimate Weapon. In my case I lost Ultimate Weapon and had to desperately try and relocate it. At the new location you fight Ultimate Weapon yet again, before the process is repeated once more. Cloud’s Ultimate Weapon is an impressive item that alleviates any stress you may have facing Sephiroth. As such, I would err on the side of recommending this sidequest.
The Ancient Forest		Oh this was a bunch of bullshit to say the least. The Ancient Forest is just fucking weird. Progressing through the forest requires the player to subject themselves to a number of environmental puzzles involving flies, frogs, and pitcher plants. It’s an incredibly awkward affair considering that it feels like it was designed for a different game. Many of the puzzles reek of late 90's era adventure game design, and I do not mean that as a compliment. That said, this is in the name of a host of helpful items, one of which is a sword for Cloud that provides triple Materia growth. Even with that considered I would hesitate to recommend the Ancient Forest sidequest.
The Battle Square		Well this was just dumb on my part. After getting Knights of the Round AND Cloud’s Ultimate Weapon I was already prepared to complete the game. Getting Omnislash at this point was thoroughly redundant. The crummiest aspect of the Battle Square stems from the fact that you essentially need to complete it five or six times just to be able to acquire enough Battle Points to purchase Omnislash. The Battle Square is already a bit of a bore to deal with, so having to complete it multiple times in a row is not exactly appealing to me. I want to go on record and state that Omnislash has one fundamental issue in terms of its usefulness in combat. It takes FOREVER to charge up! It is without a doubt the slowest charging Limit Break I experienced in the entire game. It certainly is one of the most powerful, but with other resources at my disposal its usefulness wasn't exactly where I wanted it to be.

Part 141: Parachuting Into Midgar Is SO FUCKING BADASS!

This is such a great scene! GODDAMN IT IS SO GOOD! I am 100% willing to accept the spectacle here for the sake of ignoring logic. As long as the scene serves a greater purpose, which I strongly feel is the case here, I am willing to accept practically all action schlock. Before we get to that, and why I feel so strongly about this scene, there are a number of exposition scenes worth reviewing. Firstly, Hojo has found a way to take over the Sister Ray and is shooting the cannon in order to send pure energy towards Sephiroth. How a single crazed scientist was able to commandeer Shinra's most powerful weapon is beyond my comprehension. Honestly was there no security on the Sister Ray to prevent this exact situation from happening? Secondly, the Shinra executive Reeve, is outed for being Cait Sith. This is problematic to say the least. Am I led to believe that somehow Reeve is able to feign a separate voice for Cait Sith as he pilots the robotic contraption? Has Reeve been using Cait Sith while he has been attending Shinra board meetings? Why am I asking questions about an otherwise shit character?

So let’s go back to the awesome parachuting scene! The fact that the game takes the time to provide a narrative justification for the characters parachuting into Midgar is laudable. It is established that Midgar is under martial law, and thus entering the city via its main gate is impossible. Thus, our only option is to parachute into the city. The moment perfectly creates a sense of urgency in our upcoming mission. This is a desperate situation that has essentially called for desperate measures, and the game continues to build upon that sense in the following scenes.

Now I have oscillated when it comes to the overall art design of Final Fantasy VII, but when it comes to Midgar the game’s art design always shines. When we finally re-enter the metropolis there’s a clear sense that things are different. The city streets are abandoned, and many of the buildings in Midgar appear to be boarded up. The small touches here that create a new sense of place, out of an environment that we have already visited, is without a doubt commendable on the part of the designers. Now there is one issue that I have regarding the final Midgar scene, and that rears its ugly face when you are navigating the innards of the Sister Ray cannon. The labyrinthine trenches that you navigate through are a bit too monotonous, and actually hurt the sense of urgency that I praised earlier. Certainly you’ll humorously encounter your other party members commenting on how confusing the underbelly of Midgar may be, but that’s not exactly the highlight of this entire scene or sequence.

Part 142: A Boss Rush That Feels Appropriate

You heard that right! There’s a boss rush in a Final Fantasy game that I actually liked! This is due in large part to how the game endeavors to create a sense that we are facing Shinra at its death throes. So to me it makes sense that we are encountering every last bit and piece of Shinra here. If there’s one anachronism I feel obligated to point out it would be in regards to your final confrontation with the Turks. Personally, I am glad that we get to confront Elena, Reno, and Rude one more time before the story ends. Be that as it may, when you stop and think about this situation, it doesn’t exactly makes sense that the Turks are still blindly following the will of Shinra. We have seen these exact characters ignore their orders before, so why are they following their orders as Shinra is crumbling by the seams?

For what it is worth you can try to convince the Turks to see the ills of their ways, and thus avoid a battle with them. I elected to fight them because they have been a pain in the ass since they have been introduced. After offing the Turks your penultimate boss battle at Midgar involves the party confronting Heidegger and Scarlet who happen to be piloting a giant mecha called “Proud Clod.” Someone please tell me that the name for that is a result of the translation being shit...please tell me that’s the case.

I found the amount of animation that Proud Clod has to be hilarious. Each stage in which you fight Proud Clod there appears to be an original frame of animation, and on top of that each stage features a different attack with its own animation. It’s certainly not the hardest, nor the easiest boss battle in the game, but without a doubt it is one of the funniest to watch. Once Proud Clod goes down for the count we are left to assume that Heidegger and Scarlet are dead. So hopefully someone else knows how to maintain all of these Mako Reactors on the planet, and thus prevent them from melting down.

Part 143: Hojo Is a Stupid Fucking Idiot

With the upper echelons of Shinra behind us all that remains is the mustache twirling Hojo. Now I have commented about this earlier, but I’m going to beat this dead horse for posterity’s sake. I think it is CRAP that none of your choices or accomplishments change the scene that you have with Hojo. Instead, all of your characters act surprised when Hojo reveals himself to be the father of Sephiroth. It’s TOTAL BULLCRAP that Vincent will also act surprised at this revelatory moment:

I understand needing to assume that the player may not have accomplished certain optional side quests in the game, but it wouldn’t have been that hard to create a separate line of dialogue for players that have accomplished certain achievements in a game like this. In fact, the game has done this already on multiple occasions. It’s almost self-defeating that the game fails to consider your accomplishments when they matter the most to the story. Also, Hojo’s mission objective is beyond my understanding. Somehow Hojo is able to hack into the Sister Ray cannon, and Shinra doesn’t stop him or assassinate him immediately. I get that he might have locked the door behind him, but then why didn’t Shinra shoot Hojo from a helicopter? Additionally, somehow Hojo is confident that shooting energy blasts from the Sister Ray cannon will help out Sephiroth. But isn’t Sephiroth deep within the core of the planet? How are the cannon bolts reaching Sephiroth if they travel horizontally? Hasn’t Sephiroth already summoned a meteor that will crash into the planet in order to unleash a deluge of pure energy? Why doesn’t Hojo help Sephiroth by expediting the meteor’s collision course? Does Hojo know that Sephiroth wants to become a god-like being? Why am I asking questions that don’t have answers?

I enjoyed the three battles that you have with Hojo, as they were cinematic and visually entertaining tussles with our latest big bad. Hellectic Hojo was probably my favorite transformation. I’m still not entirely sure why he transformed into this horrible twisted abomination, but I’m glad that he did. It highlights how Hojo has really gone over the deep end, and is beyond reasoning with. Lifeform Hojo looks kind of like a robot space mummy, and I feel is less effective. The battles themselves are no slouch especially if you are not prepared to deal with status ailments like Confuse or Silence. Otherwise it is entirely do-able if your party is as stacked as mine. Thus, with the death of Hojo, Shinra is effectively dead.

Part 144: The Story Stops So It Can Do Some Esoteric Bullcrap

After Hojo has been offed we have to peruse through a ton of dialogue. Parts of this dialogue I enjoyed, and other parts I found to be completely bizarre. Red XIII exclaims that we only have seven more days before the meteor impacts the planet. So that means the party should immediately head on over to the Northern Crater in order to stop Sephiroth’s evil plot. From my perspective that’s the only logical direction that this story goes after the defeat of Shinra...but that isn’t what happens. Instead, Cloud wants everyone on the Highwind to leave and not come back until they have firmly “discovered” why they are participating in this adventure...WAIT WHAT?

I really hate being critical about this scene because its heart is in the right place, but its execution is horribly botched. The first fundamental issue that I have with this scene stems from the fact that we already have been made plainly aware as to why each of the characters are tagging along on this folly. Whether it be Barret trying to ensure a safe future for his daughter, or Yuffie wanting to restore the pride of her homeland, the game has already hammered home this exact point. The idea that these characters are somehow lacking in motivation in terms why they are supporting Cloud, or wish to see Sephiroth defeated, is a manufactured falsehood on the part of the story. I swear if I have to listen to Red XIII moan about his fucking grandfather one more time I’m going to blow a proverbial gasket. We even have a clear sense as to why Cait Sith is here! CAIT MOTHERFUCKING SITH! SO WHAT IN THE HONEST FUCK IS CLOUD TALKING ABOUT?

DID I MENTION THAT WE HAVE ONLY SEVEN DAYS UNTIL A METEOR DESTROYS EVERYTHING? My final fundamental issue with this scene stems almost entirely from this fact. The apocolypse is nigh, and the game even spells this out to the audience. Be that as it may, the story wants everyone to waste an entire day on self-reflection. Why don’t we have this self-reflection happen as we are journeying down into the bowels of the Northern Crater? Hey Cloud! Look directly into the sky, there’s your raison d'être! If stopping a meteor from ending all life as we know it ISN’T a good enough reason to want to stop Sephiroth, then I sure as fuck don’t know what is!

But do you want to know the real reason why Cloud wants everyone to leave? It’s so the developers could put in one last cutscene between Tifa and Cloud. That’s the only reason why any of this bullshit is happening. Everyone is wasting a day so Cloud can go to “Bone Town!”

Part 145: Cloud Is a Fucking Hypocrite

So we have seven days until the planet gets destroyed, and Cloud is the reason why one of those days is completely wasted. He’s the one that strictly mandated that every single one of his party members reflect on why they want to stop Sephiroth. You’d expect to see him in deep reflection as to why he wishes to exact revenge on Sephiroth. Instead, he decides to be a horrible hypocrite and go to “Bone Town” with Tifa!

I quite enjoyedthe quiet moment between Cloud and Tifa...right up until the logic portion of my brain kicked in and violently rejected the entire scenario. The scene that occurs before our hapless heroes decide to make “whoopie” is magnificently done, and a wonderful example of making the most out of limited resources. Cloud and Tifa looking off into the distance in different directions which creates a general sense of unease between the two characters that I found incredibly palpable. The dialogue is also well done as Tifa and Cloud both talk to each other with an awkward familiarity that fits their relationship perfectly. Cloud has always been less than forthcoming about his emotions, and Tifa is a character that has exuded a sense of “shoot first, ask questions latter.” Clearly they both have issues in regards to being emotionally honest with those around them. As such, it seems entirely natural that they both are still struggling to surface their emotions towards one another.

Someone warned me about it earlier, but it’s worth noting that because I pursued a relationship with Tifa my scene on the Highwind played out a wee bit differently. Cloud and Tifa entered the Highwind to discover that everyone was already there, and probably didn’t leave the Highwind in the first place...BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T FUCKING HAVE TO! Once Tifa realizes this she immediately drops to her knees in shame, but I had the biggest grin you could ever image on my mug. This joshing around is STILL ignoring the elephant in the room. That enormous pachyderm is the fact that the party has wasted an entire day just so Cloud could play “pass the pudding” with Tifa. The world is coming to an end...and everyone thinks it is hilarious that Cloud and Tifa fucked. I just...I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night. Anyhow, I guess we are finally off to try and stop Sephiroth and this goddamned meteor from destroying all life as we know it...FUCKING FINALLY!

Part 146: Questions That I Still Have About Sephiroth

Before we jump into the last couple of scenes in Final Fantasy VII I wish to ask a myriad of burning questions that I already know do not have answers. So at the very least humor my utter bafflement with basic elements of Final Fantasy VII’s story. If they do have answers, then most likely the answers are terrible and would negatively impact my enjoyment of the game. So I guess feel free to share them to me anyways. I want to go on record in saying that it’s amazing that this is my second Final Fantasy game, and once again I still do not fully understand what the game’s ultimate villain is trying to accomplish. So here’s my understanding as to what Sephiroth’s deal is. He summoned a meteor that is about to crash into the planet. As the meteor crashes into the planet it will unleash the Lifestream and allow him to absorb it into his body. This will then turn him into a godlike being that will allow him to conquer the planet, and then travel the vacuum of space in order to look for new planets to takeover, much like JENOVA. Okay, now here’s my problem with this...that doesn’t make any goddamned sense whatsoever.

Isn’t Sephiroth already in the Lifestream when we encounter him during our final battle? If the innards of the Northern Carter aren’t the Lifestream then Sephiroth has to be centimeters away from it. What’s preventing Sephiroth from just digging into the Lifestream from his current position? How does Sephiroth know that the Lifestream will transform him into a God, and not encase him into a crystal like last time? Does JENOVA support Sephiroth’s plan to become a godlike being, or is JENOVA being manipulated to allow this transformation to happen? Finally, Sephiroth has the ability to control as well as manipulate anyone that has JENOVA cells in their bloodstream. If that’s the case then why doesn’t Sephiroth exert total control over Cloud, and just turn him into a fucking “complete” Sephiroth clone? Why does Sephiroth allow the one person that is capable of defeating him to just go on his merry way?

Let’s move onto questions that I have regarding the planet in general. So the planet, as well as the Lifestream, appear to be semi-sentient in the world of Final Fantasy VII. I mean the game subjected us to Aeris prattling about how she could talk to the planet, and hear its screams, over and over again. So that must mean that the planet, as well as the Lifestream, have some form of sentience, right? So if the planet and Lifestream are sentient why don’t they just reject Sephiroth like they did when he fell into the Lifestream the first time around? Why do we need to worry about Sephiroth being able to absorb the Lifestream? Can’t the Lifestream just say “no thank you?” The answer to a lot of these questions is the same: the story needs this to happen for the sake of it. It is a depressing revelation, but one that I have resigned myself to at this point.

Part 147: The North Crater Is A Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Level

The Northern Crater is a bad level. It is a horrible slog that has no right taking place this late in the game. Here the game had all of the momentum you could have ever asked for. Instead of honoring that momentum, it parlays it in favor of subjecting you to a myriad of nasty random battles, and environmental puzzles that will make you want to pull your hair out. It is a fucking shitshow to say the least. The random battles that take place here are tedious and excruciating, and that’s all I want to say about them.

That notwithstanding, the worse is yet to come. Oh no, the worst part of the Northern Crater occurs when you have the ability to split up your party into different groups in order to explore the caverns better. The game really fails to extrapolate the consequences of your decision making until it is too late. Now if you’re like me you elected to send your strongest party members away, and ended up stuck with two under-leveled party members with shit equipment. In my case I was stuck with Cait Sith and Vincent.

Then, because I am an idiot, I didn’t know that you could use the Save Crystal to create a save point which would permit you to swap your party members out. So what did I do instead? Why I trekked all the way back to the Highwind from the very bottom of the Northern Crater, and thus subjected myself to all of the same puzzles and random encounters all over again. Let’s just say that most of my frustrations with the Northern Crater could be aimed directly at myself rather than the game, and I’m willing to own up to that fact.

Part 148: Here We Go Again

Once you finally enter the inner bowels of the Northern Crater the story really pops-off and commits to the momentum that it had built up earlier. Your party is subjected to a number of battles with giant armored knights, which eventually culminates to a final confrontation with JENOVA. There’s a clear sense that the story is building up to its final confrontation with Sephiroth. Every step of the way I felt enamored with the set-pieces as well as with the pace of the game. The neon green abstract environments of the inner planet create a wonderful sense that Cloud and his party have become the masters of two worlds. One world being the realm of reality, and the other being the metaphysical Lifestream.

The final battle with JENOVA is...weird. It certainly was cinematic, but ultimately I still have no idea what the story gained from having this hokey “aliens from outer-space” lynchpin. I certainly understood what the developers wanted to accomplish from this specific battle. By having this confrontation with JENOVA the players develop a clear sense of how far they have come from their humble beginnings. JENOVA’s initial reveal in the Shinra Headquarters essentially throttled the story into high gear, and as such it feels appropriate to have the monster present at this moment.

JENOVA to me represents the lowest points in Final Fantasy VII in terms of its story. From being the source of Sephiroth’s Byzantine progeny; to her serving as the lynchpin of Cloud’s absolutely bizarre scene in the Northern Crater; I have very little praise in JENOVA’s direction. The story to me was always at its best when it allowed its characters to shine above all else. With JENOVA I got a bunch of outlandish and grotesque story moments that featured clones and tentacle monsters. Now doesn’t that sound like a stamp of quality storytelling!

Worse of all JENOVA was never an especially interesting character or story device. Once you off JENOVA the hideous tentacle monster just dissipates into oblivion. There’s no typical villainous end speech where she espouses what her ultimate plan was, nor do we ever learn more about her or where she came from. She just evaporates into nothingness, much like my investment in her as a character. So ultimately what did the story gain from having her in the first place? Rather than functioning as a uniting point for the characters, JENOVA just functions as a constant roadblock that Sephiroth literally tosses your way. The game’s actual story even loses its interest in JENOVA by the start of the second disc, and that’s a damn shame. I think I’m not out of line in saying so much more could have been done with JENOVA to improve the flow of the story massively. But, an even better solution probably would have been not including JENOVA at all.

Part 149: Hello, Is There Anybody In There? Just Nod If You Can Hear Me

Let me get this straight, by killing JENOVA our party is somehow able to teleport themselves to the center of the planet? Well who cares, because it’s time to end this game once and for all! Here we quickly locate Sephiroth, as well as the cocoon he has ensnared Holy in. Eventually your party is forced into a confrontation with some sort of larval version of Sephiroth. But before that, Sephiroth had the power to repel us into the air, and cause everyone to experience excruciating pain, by force of his mere presence. Yet, for reasons that I cannot even begin to fathom, Sephiroth decides to not use that power to kill us right then and there, and instead initiates a traditional battle with us.

Wait no...why? Just...why? What is happening? Why does Sephiroth look like this larval penis monster? Why does Sephiroth have wings? How are we able to stand on firm ground when we are essentially in the center of the planet? Why haven’t any of our party members died of Mako poisoning? Why don’t we have the other party members run around Bizzaro Sephiroth, while he is busy fighting the main party, and break open Holy from its cocoon? WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN HAPPENING ANYMORE?!?!

Because Final Fantasy VII was developed by a bunch of assholes my battle with “Bizzaro Sephiroth” was almost ruined due to my failure to understand the importance of the multiple parties during this confrontation. Due to my decision making throughout the story, and quick defeat of JENOVA, I had multiple parties at my disposal during this fight. Now unfortunately for me, I was not aware of this until it was TOO LATE. I would like to have the record show that I was perfectly “peachy” with my original party of Cloud, Tifa, and Vincent. At some point during my battle with Bizzaro Sephiroth this popped up on my screen:

Originally I thought that by selecting this option I would be treated to a brief cutscene where I could witness what my other party members were doing during the battle with Bizzaro Sephiroth. What I was entirely unaware of was that by selecting this prompt I was swapping to my alternate party. This party was created without my input and consisted of Yuffie, Barret, and Cid. None of these characters had any good equipment, nor did they have any Materia worth a fuck. I was in a FUCKED situation thanks in large part to the localization. Why didn’t the localization just say “HEY DO YOU WANT TO SWITCH TO YOUR OTHER PARTY NOW?” Also, if you are going to let me use a second party...how about letting me swap Materia to them so they aren’t entirely worthless?

Luckily for me Barret already had his Limit Break ready to shoot off when I was forced to use my alternate party. This allowed me to quickly switch back to my original, and incredibly overpowered party. However, this highlights a major issue that I had with this specific boss battle. It took me a solid nine to ten minutes just to figure out how to beat Bizzaro Sephiroth. If you end up with more than one party, then each party must destroy a specific part of Bizarro Sephiroth before its glowing weak point is available to attack. The problem is that the fucking game never explains this to the player. This was an absolute pain in the ass, and it turns this specific confrontation into an abominable slog. It isn’t a hard slog, but it is one nonetheless.

Part 150: Storytime With ZombiePie

Alright so before we review the final two battles with Sephiroth I just wanted to share two stories with you. The first story is a quickie, but a goodie, about “One Winged Angel.” Now I have heard One Winged Angel multiple times in my life, but I never knew where it came from until now. The funny part of the story comes from the fact that I have used One Winged Angel on multiple occasions for video projects for classes without ever knowing where it came from. In one of those videos a friend and myself created a LEGO rendition of the first act of the Iliad, and he wanted to use the track for our video. And let me tell you, I got an A+ on that college project! So needless to say, when the track started playing a huge grin developed on my face as I exclaimed "OHHHHH!"

My second story is a bit more self-deprecating, but oddly enough also involves One Winged Angel. After I completed Final Fantasy VII I decided to download its soundtrack. Then, while I was writing this blog I started to blast One Winged Angel as I was typing away. At one point my mother overhears this song, and just starts dancing. Just she busted into a groove as I was trying to type up this very blog. There’s my excuse as to why this took me so long to publish this. The image has been forever burned into my psyche. But the story isn’t over yet. When the song ended my mother turns to me and said “Hey give me a file of that song. I want to use it for my Jazzercise class.”

So now my mother has a Jazzercise routine for One Winged Angel. Final Fantasy has officially contaminated my family, and I have no idea what to do. What should I do?

Someone please send help.

Part 151: What The Fuck Is Even Happening Anymore?

Now that we have the funny stories behind us, it’s time to discuss the fight against Safer Sephiroth. Can I ask what is changing Sephiroth into these godlike beings in the first place? How is Sephiroth able to morph into a giant angel monster on a whim? If Sephiroth is able to turn into an angel monster then why does he even need to bother with the meteor? He’s basically already a god when you fight him! Why bother with any of this clone and meteor nonsense?

The battle with Safer Sephiroth is a cinematic masterpiece that still holds up today. I loved this battle unequivocally, and was thoroughly enthralled with every minute of it. Sephiroth’s godlike design endeavors to create a sense of scale which I think works in the game’s favor. The camera angles during the battle is an excellent use of blocking, and causes Sephiroth’s immense scale to feel even greater than it already is. The crescendos of One Winged Angel melded perfectly to what occurs within the battle. Sephiroth hits your party hard, and this ensures that you have this steady supply of Limit Breaks which in turn makes the battle feel even more cinematic. Then Sephiroth destroys our Solar System:

This battle is bananas, and I love it terribly as a result. The third disc of Final Fantasy VII is short in the grand scheme of things, but HOT DAMN does Square really swing for the fences here. And you what? It almost entirely works to their advantage! It is also important to note that the battle with Sephiroth isn’t hard, and I am glad that it isn’t. If I had to attempt this battle more than once I’m confident that the impact of the awesome absurdity of this battle would have waned on me. So good on the developers for realizing that, and planning this battle accordingly.

Part 152: It’s The Final Countdown...To Disappointment

After defeating Safer Sephiroth Cloud immediately is a war with himself. He indicates to Tifa that Sephiroth is still alive, and he needs to confront him by himself. Now this is a point that ended up confusing both penguin and I. Is this all in Cloud’s head, or does Cloud actually fight Sephiroth? All signs for me indicate that Cloud is in fact fighting away the last bits of Sephiroth from his body, rather than fighting a physical Sephiroth. This confrontation occurs in a black environment that looks nothing like the Lifestream, or the center of the planet for that matter.

When Sephiroth bursts into energy I saw that as a metaphor indicating that Cloud was finally free of Sephiroth’s influence. The JENOVA cells in his body were gone, and Cloud could finally just be himself without any fear of being manipulated. Even if I am proven incorrect I prefer to think this as it adds greater value to an entirely cinematic boss confrontation. Omnislash immediately pops up, and Cloud defeats Sephiroth once and for all. Now I was under the impression that killing Sephiroth here would immediately trigger the end credits. Boy was I wrong.

What we are subjected to next are an odd series of CGI cutscenes where the characters animate and gesture as if they are talking, but because this game was made in 1996 the characters do not actually speak. We are instead treated to captions on the bottom of our screen as if this was a silent film from the 1920's. Now I am willing to forgive the technical limitations here. We were all young and impressionable in the 90's, and it goes without saying that this game makes do with its limited resources. What I am not so willing to forgive is how the ending doesn’t really make any goddamned fucking sense.

Part 153: What The Fuck Kind of Ending Was That?

After Tifa pulls Cloud from the Lifestream, an earthquake rocks the Northern Crater and it appears that our motley crew is about to die. Just as it seems like our party is about to meet their demise the Highwind bursts to the rescue out of nowhere. Thanks Pilot Level 9! You are the real MVP of Final Fantasy VII! From their current position the Highwind is having a difficult time accelerating out of the crater. This causes Cid to pull the trigger on “Ludicrous Speed.” Oh, and Cid says “shit” in the video game:

The Highwind transports the cast to a distant vantage point where they witness Holy failing to eject the meteor from its collision course.

Next the Lifestream gushes from the ground and begins to attach itself to the meteor, or I that’s what I think. There’s a bunch of green shit on the screen.

Then the game smash cuts to Aeris’s face.

Then the credits start playing.

Then there’s the post-credits scene. For those of you that may have forgotten, this is the post-credits scene that takes place five hundred years after the events of Final Fantasy VII, and seems to suggest that the Lifestream killed all human based life from the planet. But luckily for all of the furries out there Red XIII is okay:

Gee wiz...it’s almost as if Square Enix completely retconned this ending so is that they could create a multi-million dollar media franchise based on Final Fantasy VII. What a shitshow of an ending. Wait a minute, this isn't even an "ending!" This right here screams of a case of the writers honestly having no clue as to how they wanted to end their video game. So instead of providing a climatic end to their video game; they went ahead and did nothing. There's no sense of glorious accomplishment, nor is there a sense of abject failure. Everything that the game was supposedly building up to just fell apart and FUCKING NOTHING HAPPENED! I...what is even going on anymore? DID I REALLY RACE AND BREED ALL OF THOSE FUCKING CHOCOBOS FOR THIS! WAS IT ALL FOR THE SAKE OF THIS?!?!

Part 154: The Question Of The Century

When I first started this folly I set out to answer what I knew at the time was a dubious question at best. The question at hand was: “Should people like myself play Final Fantasy VII?” After having finally completed this game, and taken the time to think about my answer long and hard, I have erred towards an almost universal “yes,” with a few caveats. The most resounding and universal of those yeses is directed towards anyone who wishes to write, discuss, and/or cover games in an academic capacity. The same goes for anyone who wishes to examine video games from a historical perspective. Final Fantasy VII is a historically significant game, and playing it explains so much about the current status and standing of Square Enix, as well as the JRPG genre as a whole. It features a relentless focus on technical excellence, and was one of the first games to really attempt at blurring the lines between video game and cinematography. It set a standard that many games to this day are still grasping at like a brass ring. While it certainly leaves a lot to be desired, many of its failures in terms of storytelling are still problems that plague video game storytelling today. Looking at the current state of the Final Fantasy franchise immediately shows the scope and enduring legacy of Final Fantasy VII. As such, YOU MUST PLAY THIS GAME.

Now for the possible neophytes out there my answer to you is a bit muted, and free of histrionics. Every single person who loves video games should ATTEMPT to complete Final Fantasy VII at least once in their lives. Now I want to put a lot of emphasis on the word “attempt.” In your attempt I can almost guarantee that you will hit a wall that causes your progress and/or enjoyment with the game to cease almost entirely. I demand that you fight through that first wall under all circumstances. I know that this sounds harsh and cruel, but rest assured that this is all for your own personal betterment. Now once you hit your second significant wall; I give you full permission to walk away from the game if you want. I am a cruel person, but I’m not evil. If you hit your second wall and are not yet invested in the characters or world, then this is not a journey worth taking.

Mechanically speaking I found myself able to ferret through the game without the constant need for immediate assistance. The turn-based combat, as well as the Materia System, are widely accessible to any potential audience. Its conceit is nakedly Lamarckian and straightforward. It allows for, and rewards, experimentation on the part of the user. This in turn causes the player to become more invested in the characters that they end up controlling. For example, I quickly found myself attaching Materia that I felt matched with the personalities of my party members, rather than what made the most practical sense in combat.

But any conversation about mechanics would be in question if it didn’t mention the glut of minigames that plague this game. And I truly do mean PLAGUE in the literal sense. They are so bad and every single “quiet” moment or transitional scene is littered with at least one. This causes the pacing of the game, which is already questionable at best, to come to an abrupt halt on multiple occasions. I leave it to the masters at Square Enix to discover a way to include these abominations in a manner that doesn’t subject the player to complete garbage during the Final Fantasy VII Remake. I dare you any of to honestly defend the marching or snowboarding minigames! I DARE YOU!

Narratively speaking...that’s where my impressions of this game become murky. In theory Final Fantasy VII follows a structure that I found far easier to follow than Final Fantasy VIII. Final Fantasy VII follows the structure of a monomyth, and this meant that the plot beats were properly spread apart. This is a blessing and a curse. The plot beats that grace this game are occasionally great, but we cannot ignore how often the story falls flat on its face on multiple occasions. Final Fantasy VII features some of the absolute worst juxtapositions I have ever seen in my entire life. Time and time again dower drama was interjected with wacky slapstick comedy, and these transitions wore my patience thin. On top of that, while its pacing is an improvement over Final Fantasy VIII, Final Fantasy VII isn’t exactly getting awards for having narrative brevity. Then there’s the multitude of issues that I have with the development of JENOVA, Sephiroth, and Cloud’s past. These story beats are so bumpy and disquieting that my overall enjoyment of Final Fantasy VII was almost permanently poisoned. Final Fantasy VII certainly “went places,” but few of those “places” were rewarding for the player.

But then Final Fantasy VII has a motley crew of characters that feel like they are worth discovering more about. Sure there are bound to be a few characters that you feel no emotional connection with, but that’s bound to happen with any video game with a large ensemble cast. The best moments in the game are moments that are centered around those characters. From the death of Aeris to Cloud’s touching moments with Tifa; Final Fantasy VII has moments within it that depict the gamut of human emotions you would never expect out of a game of its era. This leads me to my last point about Final Fantasy VII: this game has heart. I know that I said this of Final Fantasy VIII, but Final Fantasy VII makes good on its promises far more than the latter. Time and time again you witness video game characters behave like real human-beings, and this is praiseworthy to say the least.

Personally I have a newfound respect for Final Fantasy VII that I did not previously have. It was a game that rubbed me the wrong way on multiple occasions, but eventually we both became drinking buddies. It’s a sloppy affair by modern standards, but it’s one that you never feel as it it was designed with an ounce of malice. However, in more ways than I am willing to admit, I feel as if I am still a spectator watching something from a distance. Many of you played this game during its release, and I am envious of you. I truly think that a younger teenage version of myself would have gained so much from this game. Cloud’s inner drama, as well as the more dramatic moments throughout this game, would have impacted me far greater if I had been younger. But, better late than never as they say.

So here are my final words. Final Fantasy VII is bit of a mess to play today. It requires your utmost patience and due diligence in order to get anything out of it. As such, you would have to be a madman to want to play Final Fantasy VII today, and that’s exactly why you should.

First of all, great job ZP-err, Chris. You might want to fix part 140 (if you haven't gotten to it by the time I finish reading all of this) as the formatting got pretty borked up. It's also named 142 for some reason.

Reading this makes me wonder just how accurate the remake will be; some of this just seems bizarre (the design choices, not the story; the majority of that is bizarre) and a lot of it doesn't seem to play well in 2016, so it'd make sense to update it...but wouldn't you say the juxtaposition of that terrible garbage with the massive highpoints like that One-Winged Angel fight are a part of what makes FFVII so unforgettable?

Anyway, I've never given FFVII a shot. My love affair with Final Fantasy more or less ended after VI; many years after it came out, I was able to drag myself through FFX and sorta enjoyed it (including all the bullshit ultimate weapon crap), so perhaps that's trained me up enough to give this a go. Hmm, chocobo breeding vs Blitzball? If I survived one, maybe I can make it though the other.

This is fantastic. Glad you played it. Glad I brought all the Final Fantasy madness down upon you.

This is a fantastic write-up and I think your last part really nails it. Welcome to the shared madness of loving/hating this game.

If I've already put over 1000 hours into the XIII trilogy, does that exempt me from having to attempt to finish VII? I'm still only at the end of the midgar segment, I think. At the rate I'm going, I'll be finished in a decade.

Wow! I can't believe you actually made it. I'm glad you finally managed to come to terms with everything and maybe get something good out of this nightmare.

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I've loved following along with this blog, and the ff8 one before it. It was a brilliant read, so thanks.

Great write up! And I bow to your dedication to the horrible BS side quests. Yuck!

You mentioned in this post how Cloud and Vincent have been reduced in character complexity since FF7, but they're not the only ones who suffer from this. In fact, the most frustrating example of this in my opinion actually happened to Aeris. In almost all FF7 media since the original game, she's been portrayed as this sweet, meek, incorruptible font of pureness and innocence. It runs so strongly against the feminine yet willful and independent young woman brought up in the slums who knows how to get her way, and is willing to go off on her own to save the world herself.

I really don't have high hopes for many of the characterizations in the remake, it feels like Square has been running a campaign of slimming the most complex FF7 characters down to one or two personality traits.

Grumbling aside, I'm excited to see what (if anything) you get up to next! I can't pretend I wouldn't be very interested to see your take on VI or IX, generally renowned as having the gameplay & stories that hold up the best to the passage of time, but even if you do something completely unrelated to final fantasy games, I'm sure I'll enjoy reading about it none the less.

So when are you going to play Crisis Core and watch Advent Children?

Congratulations on completing FF7. Like Meteor itself, we're heading inexorably towards your destiny: reviewing Final Fantasy X-2. Just two more "filler" games to go between now and it.

Given all the talk about Campbell's monomyth structure, I think it's fair to say that this blog series is sort of the same thing. You are the hero, guided by a wizened teacher, called to adventure, rejecting it, then accepting your destiny to sacrifice all and save humanity. Now you just have to do the same thing over again with Final Fantasy IX!

I think you misspelled "Lightning Returns" there Mento.

I really hope you do at least one more of these. The ps1 trilogy of ff games is something everyone should experience. Or failing that I second ffx-2. You'd LOVE that one. It's by far the least insane one I promise.

I have little love for this game, but god damned if One Winged Angel isn't one of the all time great boss fight tunes.

As Bill Belichick would say, "On to FFIX."

@zombiepie Do you have a stream collection of your playthrough? I love your blogs, and I remember your charity endurance was hilarious, but I WANT MORE.

Great job on the write up, Zombie. Not to come off as a vulture here, but any chance you'll hit up any other Final Fantasies and by any other I actually mean FF9?

@beforet: We are in the middle of ffix right now as a matter of fact.

Questioning why Sephiroth isn't already sipping that cool aid while physically inside the crater already probably doesn't have a definite good answer without going into guessing territory and the metaphysical nature of inside the planets vs actually absorbing the lifestream. We can only go by the game's actual statement of lifesteam will only be forced out when major damage is done to the planet. There might be some super saiyan level battles of will going on between Sephiroth, the planet, and all that jazz, but really I don't think you would want to go into all that supplementary materials. The planet being sentient at best means it isn't a fan of Jenova/Sephiroth, but Jenova's purpose of being is being able to consume a planet rather it likes it or not.

The exact relationship between Sephiroth and Jenova isn't really explained in detail. Who is controlling whom if any isn't really explored, rather his obsession with his "mother" Jenova is real, insane, or manipulative isn't really specifically spelled out. I find it interesting that you even call Jenova a character in the story. I do however think the presence of Jenova is critical in the story rather it is for plot device or quite literally the magic bullet from out of this is world to explain everything, it also fits the eldritch horror role that somehow quite a few of modern games seem to latch on to. The relationship between, Sephiroth, Jenova and results of questionable and uninformed science share lots of similarities with Bloodborne.

Cloud was totally being controlled by Sephiroth/Jenova. He sort of broke free after Mideel.

As for seeing the game in present day, honestly I don't think most of the cast of characters are up to today's standards anymore, even back then only Cloud, Tifa, and half of Aeris (cause she ded mid way) and half of Barret (by pure attrition of being around the longest) are truly relevant. I find Cid to be quite weak in terms of character arc and motive. Quite a few games have surpass FF7 since in terms of characters. But how the game handles the mixing of multiple plot lines is something that is still very rare. Every game can be about saving the world, but FF7 has you hunting down Shinra, hunting down Sephiroth while discovering the secrets of the Ancients and Jenova, and, perhaps the biggest one of all, discover Cloud is actually nuts. ALL of these are interconnected and are presented throughout the game.

That ending was a roller coaster of emotion for me. At first it was underwhelming, then I view it as everyone died/return to the planet fulfilling the foreshadowing of getting rid of humanity and one of Cloud's final line about meeting Aeris again in the promised land, but then AC came out, and I don't know how to feel anymore.

Gameplay wise, a guide, you need a guide, I will say that for pretty much every JRPG out there to be on the safe side. Ideally the guide should tell you how to navigate the area and what are the optional content available to you at a given time, hopefully some stats and numbers explanation also. However this is a much bigger discussion about hand holding of modern gaming vs older game's seemingly fuck all attitude, how information availability has changed, and discovery vs frustration.

I am extremely intrigued with what they would do with the remake. Bringing FF7 to the modern day, filling in all the various plot point mis-step and changes the FF7 "universe" has had after AC, BC, CC, and DC. I don't have high hopes for it being a universal success, but who knows, it would be interesting to see the reception of people who have never played the original also.

@thatpinguino: Then I am happy and content.

Another fantastic read! I have to admit, by the time I got to the end of the conclusion, I've started to consider trying this myself someday...I still somehow haven't played a Final Fantasy game despite all the ridiculous JRPG madness I've put on myself before.

Oh, and regarding Sephiroth's supernova move, fun fact: the length of the cutscene was a fourth of the length in the original Japanese version!

All that planet smashing and formula nonsense was added for the American version. I can't be the only one that think that's hilarious, right?

Certainly the re-make will have to pick one side of the spectrum of possibilities, or otherwise risk disenfranchising everyone. In regards to the juxtapositions...I don't know man. What the game usually juxtaposes its dramatic set-pieces to are usually hot garbage. Escaping Midgar on Disc One is followed with catching Chocobos, and that's no fun. Barret's character moment with Dyne is juxtaposed with the Golden Saucer, and the stupid bullshit that you are required to do there. Aeris's death is immediately complimented with the snowboarding minigame, and that's HOT BULLSHIT!

I'm not ready for Blitzball. I will never be ready for Blitzball.

You are going to eat your goddamned medicine and like it!

Please tell me that that is not what it normally takes to complete the trilogy. I just...I can't.

What Square has done with the entirety of the Final Fantasy VII cast post Advent Children is beyond disappointing...kind of like Advent Children in general. In my opinion, the whole point of Advent Children was to create a cast that would appeal to the popcorn eating masses. They did this by supercharging the characters to be more walking tropes, and less about being characters with depth that could complicate the story. It's what JJ Abrams did to Star Trek, but for Final Fantasy VII!

You be quiet. If I am going to end up playing every game in this wretched franchise, then I'm not going to bother with mindless nonsense. However, I have it on good authority that I should just watch the ending of Crisis Core and call it a day.

I honestly do want to get around the Final Fantasy movies.

Wait a minute...there are Final Fantasy games besides VII, VIII and IX that I need to play?

I'm never going to be free from this Sisyphean torment.

Yeah, and I'm going to be honest about the Final Fantasy IX blogs; I can't keep doing this anymore. Now before any of you freak out I'm not talking about quitting blogging entirely, but what I am talking about is seriously re-assessing the structure of these blogs. As you might expect, writing twenty to thirty pages on Final Fantasy games is taking a lot out of me. I also have it on good authority that the longer these blogs get the harder they are to read.

So the Final Fantasy IX blogs are going to be shorter, and hopefully on a regular schedule. By shorter I mean at most ten to twelve pages covering a couple of locations at most.

The plan is this: Final Fantasy IX -> Final Fantasy X/X-2 HD Remaster...->PROFIT (In all actuality probably Final Fantasy VI)!

Although at one point @thatpinguino really wanted me to play Chrono Cross at some point.

Bill Belichick would know better than to play every game in the Final Fantasy franchise, or he would at least use a cheat engine in order to do so.

That is a real thing, and I am not lying about the content of that sentence.

That is all I will say about this matter.

EXPECT MY BLOG ON THE FINAL FANTASY XV ANIME IN 2022!

Huh, was wondering when this was gonna get posted. I've only been reading the major story sections, but I've been enjoying reading about your experience with FF7. Came at a funny time, I just finished playing Crisis Core for the first time the other week and thus finishing a self-imposed year long journey through the entire Compilation of Final Fantasy VII. This makes me feel more motivated to write the blog I was planning about my thoughts revisiting Final Fantasy VII (spoilers I still like it!) and experiencing all of the sequels/prequels for the first time (SPOILERS IT'S ALL GARBAGE)

I hope this isn't because you were told the ending to Crisis Core is good. There were some good ideas from a gameplay perspective in the ending that are kind of hampered by the PSP's technical limitations, but the actual cutscene at the end is terrible and filled with the kind of anime mellow-drama Square is known for nowadays. Maybe that stuff won't taste quite as bad if you haven't experienced all of the bullshit that preceded it though.

@zombiepie: Not at all. It probably only takes 60-80 hours for each game to finish the story (and that's if you're taking your time). Whereas I got the platinum for XIII-2, spent a ton of time grinding and getting almost every achievement in XIII, and played through Lightning Returns multiple times due to the nature of that game.

These have been among some of the best bits of content on this site so thanks for all the hard work writing these up! I'm probably one of the bigger apologists of FF7 (the compilation can suck a massive dick though) and it's been interesting getting a modern perspective on it.

Just on the Jenova/Sephiroth thing; Basically Jenova is in total control by the start of the game. Sephiroth's will is no more up until the point of Cloud throwing him into the Life Stream. She uses his form to manipulate many of the characters in the course of the game, specifically those injected with Jenova cells through the Reunion process.

This isn't really spelt out through dialogue (although there are some key lines) so much as in the actions that specific characters take and through subtle visual cues, leitmotifs and scene framing, the last of which is pretty damn explicit during the fight with Bizarro Sephiroth. She's described as a parasite who takes the form of people from the host planet and chose Sephiroth at this point in time:

The final few fights is basically her evolving into the form she needs to travel with the Planet; Jenova Synthesis, Bizarro Sephiroth and then finally Safer Sephiroth.

It's arguable whether it's sloppy writing, a bad translation (I believe the original Japanese script makes her story more explicit) or a mix of both but I kind of like the subtleness. As someone else said above, Cloud's character assassination in the compilation is far from the worst offender; the whole Jenova arc was retconned because Square/Enix caught onto the popularity of Sephiroth which is a damn shame. The first Remake trailer gives me a little hope because they use the Jenova theme and some of the language is framed around Reunion but yeah... fuck the compilation.

@mgalchemist:

The damage it inflicts was also changed. The basically reworked the spell to be more dangerous and awe-inspiring.

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Hear hear!

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@zombiepie:

This has been an amusing trip down memory lane. What a great game FFVII is. I often rail against nostalgia but I do admit vividly remembering sitting there watching the FFVII credits, seeing the extra scene and the finality of it all and then the game resetting to what is probably my favourite version of the FF Prelude.

P.S.

I'm glad you noticed how Vincent is actually not an angsty brooding teen type of character in FFVII either. I really liked the multiple sides of him they showed in FFVII, especially for a secret character.

P.P.S.

P.P.P.S.

FUCK THE TURKS!

-- ZombiePie, 2016

P.P.P.P.S.

The FFVII Turks are damn cool. Kinda bad at their job but still cool *Cue Rude looking at his watch and leaving*.

So when are you going to play the Final Fantasy XIII trilogy?

@hassun: Don't you joke about the submarine minigame...don't you dare. I will echo your opinion about the Final Fantasy VII prelude music for the most part, but I have a different number one. I ended up listening to every single version of the prelude, and I want to go on record and say that I LOVE THE FINAL FANTASY X PRELUDE TRACK! HOLY SHIT DO I LOVE THIS SONG! It is so funky fresh! I'm not joking here....THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING! Give me more of this:

Oh and the Turks are just bad. Like why do they oscillate between being badasses to comic relief so often? That just ruins the Turks for me.

@mikachops: I really enjoy how every explanation about what happened in the end, and what Jenova/Sephiroth is about is different and contrary of the previous fan explanation. I would have preferred if the game just went in one direction all the way instead of leaving the audience cold like it actually does.

So if Jenova is the dominant force of the game, then why doesn't Sephiroth break away from her influence after we defeated Jenova in the Lifestream? Also, if Bizzaro and Safer Sephiroth are actually Jenova, then what the Hell did we fight in the black abyss?

Also, what do you mean by "compilation?"

@soimadeanaccount:I still do not fully understand the motivations behind the ultimate villain in a Final Fantasy game. Would an evil speech beyond the Nibelheim flashback have hurt the story so much? Or how about having more scenes where Jenova actually talks to the player? I get that some of the voices that Cloud heard from earlier were Jenova, but how about taking the time to have Jenova articulate what her raison d'être is? Is she critical to the story? Sure, but the real question is if the writing could have elevated her/he/it beyond being just another tentacle monster that blocks your progress every three hours.

I understand your perspective about the characters. They are simplistic, but from my perspective I found it refreshing how this was an RPG with an ensemble cast where "leveling up" your relationships with those cast members wasn't slapped across your face over and over again. The mixing of genres here, much like how I felt about Final Fantasy VIII, does not do the game any favors. Give me a clear and cohesive narrative any day.

Finally, I think the ending is deflating and a giant slap in the face of the audience. The entire thrid disc builds up towards this climatic conclusion, and then it doesn't happen.

When am I going to just enjoy a Final Fantasy game without having this bitter aftertaste in my mouth?

I just want to play a consistently good Final Fantasy game. That's all I want for Christmas.

So is SquareEnix well known for not having discipline, or is that just a recent development in their history? I feel like every employee at SquareEnix desperately needs an editor. Kind of like how every kitchen needs a chef with a big wooden spoon that smacks people in the face with that spoon when they try to add too many ingredients to a recipe.

Also...play Final Fantasy VIII. Have that be the first Final Fantasy game you ever play.

I have it on good authority that @thatpinguino once told me that the ending of Crisis Core was "The best thing to ever happen to the entire Final Fantasy VII." So there's that. I still find it insane that not once, but TWICE Square decided to convince the side-characters in Final Fantasy VII were worth more than a bucket of hot spit. Fool me once....

I mean...I'm already planning on re-watching Advent Children, so what's the worst that could happen?

Oh goodie...I'm looking at 80+ hours of my life being sunk into a trio of video games of questionable quality. No joke, during the last Community Endurance I was experiencing issues streaming Final Fantasy VII. Oddly enough I was not having any issues streaming Final Fantasy XIII. Had I not solved my stream issues this blog series would have been the first part of my folly into the XIII franchise. That aside, I kind of liked what I saw in the first thirty minutes that I saw of XIII...I didn't play shit, but it didn't offend my senses.

Oh God...what has my life come to?

To be honest, and this isn't a joke, after Final Fantasy X/X-2 it is a close race between Final Fantasy VI and Final Fantasy XIII. On one hand I want to play a Final Fantasy game from the 2D era. On the other hand I want to be the first person to die playing Final Fantasy games.

Or I could do something entirely different and play some shit like Chrono Cross, Tales of Symphonia, Grandia II, or maybe even Xenogears.

@zombiepie: That's "60-80" for each game. Although I can see you completing the first two in under 50 each, and the third in under 20 if you do decide to play these next (although you probably want to take a break after VII).

That being said, compared to the likes of VII and VIII, the gameplay design and structure of the XIII games are fairly modern. So I can see your gripes with those games being mainly with the characters and story, rather than the gameplay. I don't know what platform you played XIII on, but I've seen people say that the PC ports for XIII and 2 aren't very good. However I did play Lightning Returns on PC and it ran fine (970, i7 4770k).

Honestly, I might just have to. I gotta find my limit with RPG lunacy someday...

Oh, I've been hoping for Xenogears for a while now, but Symphonia's not half bad either. That game is painfully sincere in every dumb cliche and story beat it engages in, and as far as I'm concerned, that was before the Tales series really started to stagnate. But I hope you know that you would have to find a way to play the sequel:

Square has been saying the right things in the last few years about their upcoming games...... but I have my doubts that they truly understand what it is that these older FF games had that people miss so dearly. It is something that you summed up really well in your closing remarks, this game had fucking heart. It makes mistakes, it has growing pains, it is clearly made in the mid 90s and their reach is further than their knowledge in how to accomplish things, but man the characters are endearing and the journey is worth it. Modern Square games are dour to a fault, so fucking dour. They still retain the visual brightness and diversity but the characters are often just a endless number of inner torment and lack of self awareness. I to this day can not make it through FFXIII even though I like the battle system because I just can't put up with an entire cast of self serious assholes.

The melody you're supposed to play on the piano is actually the main theme of FF7 (the one that plays on the world map for most of the game) and not Tifa's theme, so it's maybe (maybe) something that the designers could have justifiably assumed players would try to plunk out on their own. It is pressed messed up that you only have one easily-missable chance to stumble across the explicit hint for it. Hilariously, this is still actually pretty tame compared to some of the other "ultimate unlocks" that middle-era FF games had. I hope you get around to FFX and try to get Lulu's ultimate weapon.

I forgot about the codebreaking "puzzle" on the space rocket. God, how awful that is.

And yeah, Super Nova is aaaaaaaaaamazing. It's like Dan Ryckert designed it.

@beforet: @mento: @dudeglove: @mechamarshmallow: @mirado: @mikachops: @thatpinguino: @TechnoSyndrome: @hassun: @clagnaught: @kasaioni: @mgalchemist: @kid_gloves: @cloudymusic: @dankempster@shodan2020@theblue@slag@encephalon@quarters@teddie@wchigo@mikelemmer

So I really needed to put an all call out to people who have commented on this series before. Okay so I have been thinking about this since the publishing this blog, and while I tinker around with Final Fantasy IX (SPOILER: I don't think I like that game), but I really have to ask people who have played any Final Fantasy games....

Do these games ever have "good" endings?

I don't know what the hell happened in VIII and VII's ending is just a can of wet farts. Like is it a tradition for Final Fantasy games to have some bullshit end stuff that leaves you confused as to what really happened in the story? Do these games always have late game boss reveals that center the story around a different antagonist halfway into the game. Are there any games that do this well? Will I ever play a game where the game builds up to a conclusion, and then there's an actual conclusion?

@zombiepie: Those are the only ones I've beaten, so I'm not the one to ask. I think FFXIII might have a decent ending...if you play all three games.

@zombiepie:

The only games I have knowledge of that you don't are Final Fantasy X and XIII. I've played maybe the first couple hours of FFVI and FFIX, but don't know them super well.

For FFX, that game has a good ending. The game moves forward, establishes its plot, world, and characters, reaches a climax, and ends. The conflict and antagonists towards the beginning (once the ball starts rolling), stay that way until the end. There's no weirdness around it where you're left thinking "Wait, did the world just end?", or last minute super-ultimate-surprise bosses, and the game doesn't take a hard right turn to focus on anything else. There's a couple twists to the plot, but the central conflict is pretty much focused on that one issue.

For FFXIII...uh...alright the game also has a pretty straightforward ending. The plot itself is more all over the place. Why exactly? Well I'm sure you'll find out one of these days. But in terms of the ending, it is an alright ending for that game. More to the point of what you're referring to, it doesn't spit out a bunch of bullshit and throw you into something crazy like that time dilation or whatever the hell you call those final moments of FFVIII. It's not exactly the most satisfying of endings, but its not stupid bonkers either.

Or I could do something entirely different and play some shit like Chrono Cross, Tales of Symphonia, Grandia II, or maybe even Xenogears.

YYOOOOOOO!! Grandia II is an awesome game. The biggest selling point for me is it probably has my favorite RPG battle mechanics in a game. Besides that, it has good characters, great music, and quite a few twists and turns that I always appreciated.

In terms of games I would actually recommend, FFX is a good game (At least I considered it to be really good in 2001, but it seems that game has held up pretty well), and I consider Grandia II to be a great game. FFXIII is a balancing act between an ok game and a bad game. I just like bringing it up because I think it would be funny to see you play it.

No...? Not really anyways. Actually, Crisis Core had a pretty good ending albeit that's more of a spin-off. X's might have been okay but I don't remember it as well as the others, XII's ending I don't remember at all and while I thought XIII's ending was alright, I'm not sure it'd rank as good by your metric.

@zombiepie: I'm not really sure what you mean by "good" endings. I think plenty of the games have fitting endings and it's probably best to not explain everything in exhaustive detail so there is some room left for imagination and the player can connect the dots on their own.

Many of the games follow a similar story pattern of a starting villain and then having extra/bigger villains appearing throughout the game as a means to escalate the story. E.g. Shinra is the villain at the start of FFVII and they pretty much remain the villain all the way through the game even though Jenova and Sephiroth become 'bigger' villains pretty early on.

FFVII's ending is pretty easy to understand: You beat Sephiroth and Jenova but Holy isn't enough to stop Meteor from crashing into the planet. Then the planet (or Aeris commanding the planet) uses the Lifestream to lend a helping hand and together they manage to destroy Meteor. Flash forward 500 years and you see Red XIII with his offspring and an overgrown Midgar.

FFVIII follows an easier 2-stage villain system with Edea and Ultimecia. FFVIII's ending is also pretty easy to understand if you ask me: Ultimecia starts compressing time, the protagonists thwart her while she's doing it and then they basically have to find their way back to where/when they came from while time is all loopy and trippy. The ending mostly focuses on Squall who is having difficulty finding his way back and just when he's given up Rinoa locates him and pulls him back into their time and place, presumably with the help of her powers as a sorceress. And everyone lives happily ever after.

VII has an abrupt ending but I never considered it a poor one. Your interpretation that maybe the world ended is something I have never ever heard of before. I always thought (and it seems everyone else) that the lifestream comes to save the day at the last second to prevent meteor, hence the flash of Aeris. I also always liked how it has a cold open and and an abrupt end.

VI and X have pretty satisfactory endings IMO. I'm not sure all of X's story is exactly fantastic or anything but it definitely explains its ending and has a definite sense of closure. VI is simply a much more straightforward thing in all aspects, the story has its twists but none of them are really out of left field and the ending is very well done. IV just goes bonkers in a pretty fun way towards the end, but if you are looking for consistency in storytelling that might be a real no go.

I will say as I have said before, I do not think IX is as good as people often say. It's maybe the most tedious of any FF game, the central conflict is only mildly interesting, and the ending is a dozen bags of wet farts. The best thing about it is one of the party members has a really really good story, is extremely interesting, and the whole game really should have been about him... but that gets wrapped up waaaaay before the game is over.

I will also say that don't expect most FF games to be anything like the insanity that is VIII. It sits all by itself as by far the most batshit thing that ever happened to the series, with the most nonsensical story, and least important to the plot characters. Whoever told you to play that game first is a real asshole. VII is more typical of the series as a whole but with a more sci-fi setting than they ever had done before or since.

The whole late-game "But this guy was behind it the whole time!" twist is in basically every JRPG ever. Some games pull it off, but there's usually the sense of unfamiliarity with introducing a new villain so late in the plot, that it's really difficult to care about them as an antagonist (in my case, anyway). Honestly I'm more surprised when they stick with one central conflict/antagonist through the entire game these days.

FFIX is my favourite FF, but even I can admit it's got the very worst case of this I can recall off the top of my head, but it's so quick and meaningless that it never bothered me in the long run. I think overall, it has a satisfying ending if you've become invested in the characters by that point (minus Quina, who barely exists. I cannot wait to hear what you have to say about Quina). They do wrap up the central conflict, but again, they introduce that pretty late into the game to try and up the stakes.

Since you're apparently playing FFX in the future, that game does introduce its secondary "antagonist" a bit more naturally, so you at least get a chance to understand why and where it fits into to the story/world. Unfortunately, the best characters, and the best story, in that game happened many years in the past and is mostly seen through short, optional flashback scenes that are difficult to find (sound familiar...?). I want to say they wrap it all up well, and they go where they need to go to make it feel satisfying. But then they went and undid it all with FFX-2 (and the hilariously awful content that was created for the remaster, which you will most certainly need to read up on and write something about because oh my god it's a thousand times stupider than anything in FFVIII).

In short, this is a really dumb JRPG trope, please brace yourself in any future JRPG endeavors.

@zombiepie: I think FF6 has a pretty satisfactory ending. It doesn't go deep into "here's what happens next" territory, but all of the various characters (which were largely the primary selling point of that game) each get their own dedicated ending scene, and "what's next for the world now that the villain is gone" is gestured at pretty clearly.

I might be a bit biased because it's my favorite FF game, but I felt like it provided a more-satisfying conclusion for the story and each of its characters than any of the games that came after.

I recall FF6 having a good ending. It won't knock your socks off, but it wraps up each character's arc well and explains exactly what happened. (Also, I prefer "Dancing Mad" over "One-Wing Angel".) I think FF4 also had a thorough ending.

Satisfactory endings that tie everything up: FFIV & FFXII. (FFX and FFXIII too, except their sequels immediately undo them.)

"What?" endings where not a whole lot of the world's problems are resolved and/or you fight some weird monster in another dimension/planet/time period: The rest.

@zombiepie: At risk of sounding like that old "Games were better in my day!" guy, all of the post FFVI games that I've played have their own brand of madness, endings included. Even when they don't, and it seems like they were able to avoid writing themselves into a corner to the point that they have to throw the entire box of jumbled plots and explanations into the air and hope it lands somewhat cohesively, they put out sequels that proceed to fuck up whatever they avoided fucking up in the first place.

Hell, that could be true of most pre-FFVI games as well. I've only played I, V, and VI, so who knows, the rest could all have batshit insane endings.

And you should absolutely do Grandia II. Not only is it a hell of a lot more fun to play, but the story and characters are pretty bananas. If you decide to slog through X at some point, make sure to get your hands on the remastered version, as the stuff they added is hella dumb and needs to be addressed.

You forgot the first FF. I think it's ending is pretty alright in terms of wrapping up what little non-existent story there is. Otherwise I concur with your statement but would include FFVI in that as well.

At last your (completely self-induced) nightmare is over. Glad to hear you were able to enjoy most of the ending bits. Watching that Sephiroth spell happen made me laugh harder than any game had ever done before, and is thus emblazoned on my mind forever.

@zombiepie: It's been a while since I've finished a Final Fantasy game that's not XI, and it's been a while since I finished any story-related stuff in XI. But from what I can remember of the FF games I've actually finished (XIII/2/LR, XII, 1; so not many), none of those endings were as obtuse or vague as FFVII's seems to be. (XIII/2/LR opinions below. I try to keep it vague, but will put it in a spoiler block to be safe).

I hardly remember anything about the story in XII (something about "nethecite"?) But I do remember liking it at the time; or at the very least that it didn't offend me. I more vividly remember fighting end-game bosses and completing hunts for unique weapons. And also going around town yelling "I'M CAPTAIN BASCH".

All I remember from 1's story is that it was super generic.

@zombiepie: Final Fantasy IX has an unambiguous ending, and doesn't get too crazy with the metaphysics throughout. The only really WTF part is the final boss, which is something anyone who has played FF9 can agree with (yes, I know there are explanations to be had, it still fucking weird the first time you play).

Sad to hear you're not crazy about it, but Vivi is great and too good for all of us.

Edit: FF9 also has the decency of having a theme from beginning to end, which isn't something I can say about most video games, let alone Final Fantasy games.

@zombiepie: You're thinking about Sephiroth the wrong way. Sephiroth as you see him in the flashback scene in Kalm doesn't exist anymore, "he" is now just Jenova taking on his form. The headless body you see in Shinra HQ is the form Jenova took during the war with the Ancients, and is no longer sentient anymore apart from being a vessel for her cells. Sephiroth and Jenova aren't two distinct characters during the FF7 game timeline, there's only Jenova taking on his form. The thing you fight in the blackness at the end is the last grip of Jenova's influence over Cloud.

There are only really two explanations for the Jenova/Sephiroth thing. One side takes the events very literally and purports that Sephiroth is in total control (which makes no goddamn sense when you really think about) and the other is the explanation above.

The Compilation was originally a handful of games Square made post FF7 in the 2000's, but has since encapsulated anything to do with FF7 that isn't the original game. They're all garbage and retcon a bunch of shit and should be avoided at all costs :P

IX's ending is actually pretty good I think. VI's is also pretty decent but can't stands on its own, it should be treated as part of the whole, it is a game that I think bats above its weight, but that could be taken negatively depending on which side you come from. Probably my second favorite FF.

If you have issue with villains stacking oooh boy I can't wait for your reaction to IX.

IV is a skeleton of a story. I can't remember much of XII, I remember some of the story bits, and some of what happened at the end, but can't string them together to tell you what exactly happened. X is its own brand of madness.