I polished off this Souls run about a day after posting the last entry, so the choice was either dropping this month's 64 in 64 episode now and putting off this finale for two weeks or, well, not doing that. Like a few of the corpses in the Painted World of Ariamis, I figured it was best to not leave people hanging when I could be cutting them down and robbing their bodies instead. (Maybe I'll stay off the analogies for a while.)

So, yes, hail and well met everyone to the final part of this LP wherein I check out a couple of randomizers for the first Dark Souls. I won't say it's been a frequent joy playing through this game with all the modifications—to tacitly reference 64 in 64 again, I think the randomization algorithms of the world just have some sort of grudge against me—but I have enjoyed my time shaking my head in disbelief at the sheer horsepuckey on display. It reminded me why I like watching other people play these randomizer hacks, if not always playing them myself. Good thing Dark Souls remains a fantastic game, so it wasn't too hard to convince myself to keep pushing through it.

Part One can be found here and Part Two is... wait, I'm sure I had a link around here somewhere... oh, it's here. Back of the sofa, would you believe it?

As we begin this final block, I'm still feverishly hunting for the crucial Lordvessel in what few places I have left to fully explore. This comes after running from Anor Londo with my tail between my legs due to an unfortunate Gwyn-featuring tag team match of a boss I was in no mood to parse. I also have three of the four Lord Souls I need to power said absent Lordvessel, so completing that set is another goal of some immediacy.

As for my build, we're rocking a Velka's Rapier +5 and a whole bunch of sorceries using Logan's Catalyst for its S-tier Intelligence scaling: the sword is for mobs, since it cuts down anything in seconds and you can even use it while guarding, while the spells are reserved for bosses and the occasional tough spawn. I've grown particularly fond of Soul Spears by this point in the playthrough, though I can only equip so many. My Estus is at +2 and with no Rite of Kindling it means I have to be judicious with my healing.

Firelink Shrine

• Anastasia's back, and thus so is the bonfire. Big Hat Logan was disappointingly free of sorceries or catalysts to buy. Best thing on him was a single blue titanite chunk (and it was expensive). Just goes to show: never rescue anyone if you can help it.

Darkroot Forest (2nd Visit)

• Joined the Forest Covenant to access Shiva as a merchant later. This is like the third time I've switched covenants; I'm probably getting a reputation as a player.
• Since I wussed out on Gwyn, I dealt with that big Ornstein in the basin to regain some honor. Tough, but I was at the appropriate level to deal with him now. Plus, no life partner to make things awkward (well, if you don't include the various forest wildlife that showed up to watch).
• Sif had been replaced by that blob of many faces that, in the regular game, you meet only once in New Londo after draining it. I've actually fought a few of them now: there's one on the left balcony going into Anor Londo castle that keeps respawning, and since it's worth 5000 souls and is right next to the blacksmith he's a handy amorphous fellow to have around. At any rate, it went down in like three casts of Great Heavy Soul Arrow.
• No Lordvessel here, but Blob-Sif did drop another Firekeeper Soul. Up to +3.

New Londo (2nd Visit)

• Powering through everything down here now, though there's still some tough foes like the stone guardians from the DLC. Absolutely no Darkwraiths though. Congrats, you submerged this place for no reason.
• The Key to the Seal, needed to open up the dam to let the water out, was actually in New Londo about 50 yards away from its door. That's convenient.
• Ingwald had next to nothing to sell, but that's usually the case. I could've bought another pendant if I wanted one.
• Let the water out and marched into the Four Kings boss location. It's the only one that didn't have a fog gate that the Lordvessel dispells, and I remembered why: you have the option to give the Lordvessel to Kaathe instead of Frampt, and he only shows up after this fight.
• The Four Kings fight was... intriguing. Clearly the randomizer couldn't account for how that battle would work with random foes. Ended up facing two Iron Golems and another Gravelord, who I guess I'll call Ni-two. All three were bugged out and unresponsive, but I'll take the easy victory. I've no pride. My prize was a dozen crossbow bolts; honestly, more than I deserved.
• One thing I was worried about: getting out of here. You can warp from the Abyss bonfire without the Lordvessel though, so I decided to zip over to Blighttown via Quelaag's Sister's bonfire.

Blighttown (3rd Visit)

• Ceaseless Discharge and the first half of Lost Izalith is my goal here, since I'd rather do that than Tomb of the Giants or the Great Hollow. However, before I head there I've got a few errands to run.
• First, I defeated Hollow Laurentius. Sorry I said there was some cool shit down here, bro.
• Second, I went to see if Shiva was selling anything useful at his new location next to the big wheel elevator. (He wasn't.)
• Third, spend the souls I got from the Four Kings (or the Three Stooges in this case) fight on upgrading the Pyromancy Flame enough to make Quelana appear, and see if she has anything (she didn't—40k for a Lightning Resist ring? Excuse me?).
• OK, all done, time to hit the lava baths. It's like being in an onsen, only more like an "onfire".

Demon Ruins and Lost Izalith

• Ceaseless was replaced by another Sif, who I'll call Olly. Olly was completely inert when I walked past her, and I remembered that the battle only activates once I grab an item off the altar (that in this case was the weakest sorcery, Soul Arrow). I thought about attacking her then and there to see if I could, but I figured I'd let her cook.
• The first Sif (which substituted for the Gaping Dragon) didn't hop backwards off a ledge, sadly, but this one did. Right over the cliff into the lava. I did say I'd let her cook. Again, I've no pride remaining at this point, so please continue giving me all the rewards for doing nothing.
• The first random corpse I found after the lava drained possessed nothing less than the Lordvessel itself. Holy shit did a wave of relief wash over me. Getting dangerously close to running out of places to look.
• With the Lordvessel in hand, I threw my lot in with Kaathe (Frampt was pissed, but since all he did was eat all the dung pies I gave him and make Firelink unbearable with his chewing noises I'm not too broken up about it) and got to processing some Lord Souls.
• Presently, I've fully opened Tomb of the Giants, Lost Izalith, and Duke's Archive and am now on the hunt for the very last Lord Soul. Besides some stronger sorceries, the Rite of Kindling, that ring that boosts magic damage, and maybe a few more Firekeeper Souls, there's nothing else I really want or need. My spells are already doing close to nuke-level damage, but I guess a few more points in Int wouldn't hurt. Wouldn't hurt me, anyway.
• Wellll, since I'm already down here...
• Firesage is next, and its arena had... Sif again? This jerk of a randomizer wants me to put down Gaming's Most Loyal Dog for a third time? I cried the last time I fought Sif. Granted, they were tears of laughter as I watched her tumble into magma like a Hawaiian Air Bud sequel gone horribly awry, but emotions were had nonetheless.
• Anyway, the branches covering this arena worked for and against the big pupper: it often blocked her from reaching me, but ditto for the spells I was sending her way. Finally we reached an accord when I did a murderous amount of damage with some Dark Bead shots and then we were back to running across big branches and crumbling architecture.
• Because the Demon Ruins is a sucky dungeon, I found two bonfires in a row and barely any enemies before hitting the next boss fight: what is normally the Centipede Demon, and a melee made tougher by all the lava in the arena.
• Instead, it was the Sanctuary Guardian. That big lion thing from the DLC. Absolutely not convinced I could take it, but I got backed up by an unexpected enemy-turned-ally here: the lava. Ol' Kimba the White Lion (more like Alight Lion) couldn't handle the stuff, yet strutted around in it like the Bee Gees heading to the disco. A disco inferno, as it sadly turned out for our leonine chum.
• Beyond here there's no point in continuing without the lava ring. Outie.

Great Hollow (2nd Visit) and Ash Lake

• I found a spell to help out with this place: Fall Control. Casting it makes you more or less immune to fall damage for somewhere short of a minute, though it has its limits for how far you can plummet. Just a matter of sweeping up some annoying enemies as I headed down.
• Ash Lake was as eerie as I remember it. Didn't get any less eerie when I noticed what had replaced the first hydra down here: Kalameet, the Black Dragon of Calamity. Arguably the most dangerous foe in the entire game—he's the only DLC boss that's optional—just seeing him flying around on that beach gave me the jitters. The dude is absurdly resistant to physical and magical damage alike, so it took all my patience and cunning to... watch passively as he misjudged a charge attack and launched himself into the inky black ocean. I'll come right out and admit it: there may be aspects to this enemy randomizer that make the game a tad easier than it was meant to be.
• 60,000 souls for refusing to help a drowning animal later and I encounter the Ancient Dragon. I'm not joining its covenant yet, but I think the bonfire in front of it is another warp destination so it was worth coming all this way. I guess.

Undead Asylum (2nd Visit)

• Had a poke around my old digs even though I was lacking a key. Two specific goals in mind here.
• The first was fighting the Stray Demon. Or, in this case, a fourth Sif. I think the game's just messing with me now.
• The other was visiting Snuggly and trading everything he/she wanted. Naturally, the received barter items were randomized as well. I've included a list below.
• Nothing else to do here, but it was nice to put off Tomb of the Giants for a little while longer. I mean, uh, "to ensure I'm not missing any valuable items".

Side-Note: Snuggly's Trades

Snuggly accepts a lot of specific "warm" and/or "soft" items, most of which I'd found by this point:

• Pendant = Soul of Lord Gwyn (!!)
• Rubbish = Gold Coin
• Bloodred Moss Clump = Hard Leather Gauntlets
• Purple Moss Clump = Red Titanite Chunk
• Blooming Purple Moss Clump = Humanity x5
• Cracked Red Eye Orb = Thief Mask
• Humanity = Grant (a warhammer)
• Twin Humanities = Black Flame (pyro spell)
• Prism Stone = Gough's Great Arrow x3
• Dung Pie = Ring of Favor and Protection (a.k.a. the FAP Ring)
• Pyromancy Flame (Basic) = Xanthous Gloves
• Egg Vermifuge = Guardian Soul (!!)
• Sunlight Medal = Bloodred Moss Clump x4
• Skull Lantern = Red Titanite Chunk
• Xanthous Crown = Humanity x2
• Sack = Elizabeth Mushroom x3

I've yet to find a Sunlight Maggot which is one of the four remaining trades. The other three include the Ring of the Sun Princess, which Andre is selling for 100,000 souls; an ascended Pyromancy Flame, which will cost an arm and a leg to prepare as well; and the Soul of Manus which I'd already used up to make a cool catalyst. Sincerely hoping the last Lord Soul isn't the exchange item for any of those.

Tomb of the Giants

• TotG and Duke's are both sucky in different ways, but Tomb grants me two more vendors once it's done (Rhea and Patches). I had already traded my Skull Lantern to Snuggly but I still have a Light spell, though it meant sacrificing a slot.
• This place is one of the few that's been made much harder in this randomized playthrough. I was hoping there would be fewer of those skeleton dogs but there's more of them now than ever, and the rest of the enemies include silver knights, those giant clams from the Crystal Caves, Oolacile sorceresses blasting away at you from the dark, and the really tough DLC forest guardians again. Very unpleasant to get anywhere down here.
• Found both the missing Asylum key and the Lower Undead Burg Residence key I need to save Griggs. I think that's all the remaining keys in the core game? Unless you count the doll that gets you into the Painted World.
• Went through the usual rigamarole with Patches. Yes, yes, have a nice trip. Gotta do it to rescue the damsel in distress down here anyway. Patches won't actually return to Firelink until after I beat Nito, which, well...
• So therein lies the rub: Everything about the Nito fight sucks now. There's a tough gauntlet between the last bonfire and the boss door, which includes that room where skeletons spawn endlessly (only they're poison dogs and giant leeches now), and then you have that big damage drop into the boss arena and have to deal with its regenerating skeleton adds, which unlike the Catacombs regenerators didn't get swapped out. Still, Nito's kind of a slow boss that you can avoid for a while as you whittle down his support, and then gingerly take apart as you avoid his sweeping AoE attacks. But what if you were to replace the sluggish Nito with a faster and more aggressive boss? How about the fastest and most aggressive boss in the game?
• I am not equipped, literally or mentally, to fight Artorias the Abysswalker while stuck in a claustrophobic arena alongside six skeletons that won't ever die without special weaponry. This isn't a boss battle; it's an anxiety dream made manifest. You know why there aren't adds in the Artorias fight? Because the moment you turn your back on him to focus on something else is the moment you get Aerith'd. I fully intend to beat the Ornstein!Gwyn eventually, but up with this fight I will not put.
• My last recourse, then, is Duke's Archives: the only remaining location available to me, given Painted World is locked and Lost Izalith lies beyond a sea of lava. (Though... I might be able to get into the DLC now...)
• (I won't add another blurb for them, but neither Griggs nor Rhea had anything vital. Worth checking all the same. I'll buy all their overpriced crap to hollow them out later. Least I could do for them.)

Anor Londo (2nd Visit)

• Actually, before visiting Seath's crib I think it's time I dealt with Gwynstein. The Gravetorias fight is one I'm bailing on forever, but I think I can deal with one little old lightning king and his tall friend. As I figured, just keeping my distance and hitting him with Soul Spears and Crystal Soul Spears did the trick, though I lost half my Estus flasks and used up most the spells in the process (Gwyn likes to side-step a lot to dodge spells, turns out, so I had to improve my timing to hit him during the cooldowns after his attacks). I did not anticipate what happened next, as I didn't think it would still apply: the moment Gwyn passed from this world, his large sentinel friend acted out the cutscene where the partner absorbs the power of his fallen buddy. In this case, the sentinel transformed into... another Kalameet. My heart sank so far at this development that I think it's in one of my ankles now.
• Naturally, with few spells and potions left and a very tight space for Kalameet to do his thing, I did not survive that encounter. However, I figured something out: if killing Gwyn turned his nondescript friend into a draconic terror beyond imagining, what happens if I kill the friend first? It took a few tries—Gwyn, like Artorias, takes it personally if your attention is drawn away from him for even a split second—but after killing the sentinel first, Gwyn instead transformed into the Stray Demon from the Asylum revisit. Stray is pretty tough (and magic-resistant, annoyingly) but not to the same extent as Gwyn and certainly nowhere near Kalameet.
• I got nothing from that battle besides humanity and low-level gear and Gwynevere didn't even give me a reward since I'd passed the flag where I set the Lordvessel and started filling it (normally, she'd give me the Lordvessel so I could get started on that) so that's my second permanently missed item of the playthrough. Duke's is a big place and there's also the DLC (as well as Painted World and Lost Izalith should I find the right items to access them) so I'm hoping I haven't screwed myself out of the last Lord Soul, but if I get really stuck I'll consult the cheatsheet just to be sure. That's a last resort though.

Duke's Archives and Crystal Cave

• My one concern with Duke's was the prison sequence. In order to escape confinement, you need to pick up several keys in a series and then leave via the big doors at the top before the tough pisaca enemies, alerted to your jailbreak by a gramophone alarm in one of the game's more surreal moments, caught up to you. Since you can't warp out during this sequence you're pretty much screwed if the necessary keys aren't in your inventory: thankfully, the randomizer dev already figured this out and the keys are in their usual locations.
• The pisacas, by the way, are one of two enemy types I never saw even once while playing. That is, excepting special mini-bosses that can only show up in one scripted place like the undead dragon torso in Valley of the Drakes. I instead got a room full of silver and black knights, a clam guy, some Oolacile goons, and two of those mega-tough DLC chained dudes. A nightmare to clear out, but those Soul Spears really pack a punch and have the nice benefit of passing through enemies to hit those behind. This also meant rescuing Big Hat Logan and unlocking him as a vendor for the second and last time, though I couldn't get much from him. I'm wondering where all the crystal sorceries got to: they're the most powerful spells in the game and I've only found one so far.
• (BTW: the other enemy type I missed (though I use that term loosely) in this run is the mimic: all the mimic chests have been regular ones, based on a randomizer toggle that should've still offered the possibility that any given chest was one of the long-legged people-eaters we love to hate.)
• Just before Crystal Cave I killed a random Oolacile berserker and a lady wearing an Oolacile sorceress hat popped out. I almost hit her but then she started talking to me: it's Sieglinde, the daughter of Onion Knight. Finding her is important to progressing that chain, so I'm glad I didn't just cut her down.
• Crystal Cave was the same as ever. Most of the enemies were smart enough to navigate the invisible bridges just fine, though we got a couple of clumsy lads that fell off immediately. The various Moonlight Butterflies were replaced by other mid-game bosses, but they weren't worth any souls or items.
• Seath had the most drastic change. Instead of a huge white crystal dragon I got one of those skeletal beasts again: a single Homing Soulmass was enough to finish it after I'd destroyed the immortality crystal. Hey, after all this Kalameet BS recently, I'll take a freebie.
• Only key item I found in this whole region was the New Londo Ruins key, one already supplanted by the Master Key starting item. That means Izalith and Painted World are still off the table. DLC it is...

DLC: Artorias of the Abyss

• I wasn't sure about accessing this content in the randomizer because this is actually the first time I've played it. By now I've fought every one of its bosses besides Manus, and probably all its regular enemies too, so I guess there's no need to be precious about "spoiling" my first foray into Oolacile.
• I'd already found the broken pendant and managed to rescue Dusk at her usual spot, so the DLC is totally available. (Incidentally, "Dusk's Oral" is another viable anagram of Dark Souls I could've used for a title, except I'm pretty sure that one would get me cancelled.)
• I have three items I'm looking for in here, and any one will do: the Peculiar Doll for Painted World, the Orange Charred Ring for Izalith, or the Four Kings Bequeathed Lord Soul that'll let me finish the game.
• (If I could get the Rite of Kindling, more Firekeeper Souls, or some stronger sorceries I would be grateful also.)
• Through cultural osmosis (and watching Vinny play through it) I know there's also three vendors to check: the sinister dude with the hat, the friendly mushroom lady, and the giant archer guy with the carved talking stones.
• First, we have what I like to call the "are you tall enough for this ride?" boss: the Sanctuary Guardian. I swear this guy only exists to kick out anyone from the DLC who hasn't sufficiently mastered the game, since he's pretty tough (or was when I faced him in that lava field) but nothing compared to the other three DLC bosses. Lucky for me he was replaced by a gargoyle, which ties up the gargoyles and Sif for most appearances so far (4 each).
• Gargoyle dropped another Firekeeper Soul: the Darkmoon Knight's, to be exact, who is the Anor Londo Firekeeper.
• Elizabeth has a maiden skirt (I didn't ask), a white Titanite Slab (not doing faith builds, but I might grab it for the related smithing achievement), and Smough's Soul. Why wouldn't she? Either way, some nice stuff but nothing essential. Chester had far less.
• Ditto for the forest. Many items, not a whole lot I'll end up using. I did get three more crystal sorceries though, including the White Dragon Breath one that needs an astonishing 50 Int to cast (I'm at 45 Int at around SL80, where the vast amount of souls I need to level up is getting harder to accumulate outside of boss fights).
• The big find came when I went into the valley that leads to the Kalameet fight: the Orange Charred Ring was on a nearby body. I can now finish Lost Izalith at any time. (Item #1 Procured!)
• Artorias was... Artorias. Phew. This is the best boss battle in the game (at least without all the regenerating skeleton adds) so I'm relieved I can enjoy it in all its unsullied glory. Amusingly, while he didn't get randomized, the goon Artorias is murdering when you enter his arena the first time was another matter (I think it was a snakeperson).
• Dude's tough, but even though he's resistant to magic I suspect the mage build might actually be very broken. Just had to hit him with Soul Spears and Crystal Soul Spears in the gaps between his every attack. That said, I eventually ran out and had to resort to the weaker Homing Soulmass; these knights truly are built from sterner stuff.
• Didn't drop anything of note but I don't even care. A great time was had by all evading those big swings. Not sure I could've managed the fight quite as adroitly with a melee build.
• Gough's tower is locked and I don't have the key. That means no merchant and no (extra) Kalameet fight, at least for now. I'll add it to the list of items I still need before the game world is fully accessible.
• Speaking of which, heading deeper into the Oolacile Township I found a corpse that was kind enough to give me the Peculiar Doll. (Item #2 Procured!)
• Rest of the DLC went without incident. There's places in the chasm where there's a whole mess of those Humanity spirits floating around, and they all got replaced by some tough enemies. I swear I fought like five or six black knights in this one plateau-like area, with some infected pyro guys and channelers for ranged back-up.
• The last corpse item of the DLC, the very last one just outside of Manus's lair, had the Lord Soul on him. I'm now all set to beat this game. (Item #3 Procured!)
• Manus got replaced. By Kalameet. Getting real sick of this rad-looking dragon. However, this was the first opportunity I had to defeat him legitimately: I tricked him into killing himself the first time at Ash Lake, and found a way to avoid fighting him in the second with the modified Ornstein/Smough battle. On this third occasion, I just nuked his ass. Done playing around. Got 16 standard crossbow bolts out of it, so that's cool. Guess I'll see how many I can fit in my mouth at once, shall I?

Side Note: Clean-Up

I won't bore you too long with all the sordid details of the cleaning up I've been doing—I was curious if I could earn some of those "all sorceries/pyromancies/special weapons" achievements, but there's no telling where the remaining items are or if I've already missed them due to NPC snafus—so we'll move onto the final roundup and then the last boss.

Lost Izalith: This dungeon is just as unfinished as I remember it being, the "thrown together with an imminent deadline looming overhead" vibe made all the more pronounced with the mismatched gaggle of enemies occupying the place. Managed to finish my Lord's Blade ensemble with the cadaver items here, as well as advance Siegmeyer's NPC side-quest towards its tragic end (more so since I only got more arrows out of it). The dragon asses of the lava sea had been swapped out with other enemies that died instantly earlier in the run and never returned, once I was close enough geographically to spawn them in (the dragon asses are another enemy I never saw once this playthrough, maybe because their size makes them awkward to slot into anything else's place?). The Bed of Chaos was replaced with... Sif. Again. The fifth appearance of swordog and counting.

Painted World: Along the bridge area where the undead dragon normally shows up (I got one of the Sen's Fortress giants instead) I managed to find both the Rite of Kindling (about damn time) and the Crest Key needed to reach Gough in Oolacile. I got into a lot of trouble due to the Phalanx mini-boss fight here, which was replaced by a large clump of knights and Darkwraiths with a cunningly-hidden Vagrant in there that managed to broadside me to death with its homing missiles. Priscilla was replaced with, you guessed it, Frank Stallone Kalameet. After the fourth dispatching of Dark Souls's strongest monster, I decided to leave as I'd nothing left to prove.

Oolacile: Just a quick visit to see if Gough had anything on him (nope) and then fight the actual Kalameet boss fight. I was less than enthusiastic about fighting Kalameet for the fifth time, but fortunately he got replaced. By another Artorias. Which I nuked. These notoriously powerful DLC bosses are starting to lose their majesty for me a little, gotta admit.

Anor Londo: Since I killed one of the two pacifist bosses, I might as well get the other. For the Lord Gwyndolin fight, we got our long-delayed battle with the Centipede Demon. Much easier to fight it on dry land.

Kiln of the First Flame

Let's do this. All that's left is a melancholy showdown with a hollowed Lord Gwyn, long gone mad from the endless suffering required to keep alight the original flame to artificially extend the Age of Fire for centuries. It's a battle both climactic and anti-climactic, not so much taking on but putting down an ancient God well past his prime for the sake of an uncertain future without the guidance of a divine pantheon.

Except, of course, I didn't get Lord Gwyn.

I got Kalameet.

Fucking. Perfect.

No notes.

The end.

I want a randomiser where the replaced asset retains the moveset of the original enemy.

@shindig: Given how warped everyone became just from acting out the cutscenes, I'm not sure if that's in the cards. I don't know anything about how the DS engine rigs its character models for animation though so maybe someone could figure it out.

It would, however, be very funny to see Sif or Kalameet try to do Smough's butt stomp. I'm already struggling to take this game as seriously as I used to as is.

I, for one, welcome our new Dark Lord.

Dug this episode of Oops! All Kalameet - a fabulously entertaining read!

@manburger: Thanks! It's true, if this playthrough was a pizza it'd be a Kalameet feast. (Honestly, shout outs to Elden Ring for getting me so used to fighting dragons. Skyrim too, I suppose.)