Losing a friend sucks

*This is just a rant*

Fortunately (or unfortunately) I'm not talking about dead or illness or anything of the sort. Rather, pretty much the closest friend I had, one that I have spent the last 8 years talking and chatting with on a daily basis just unceremoniously cut off all avenues of communications the two of us had. Won't respond to e-mails or calls, actively blocked on things like Steam, and I have not a clue why, nor mutual friends that can find out.

Call it silly, but it honestly feels like someone punched me a dozen times in the stomach and I've been feeling empty and just wrong for the last two days. I'm sure it'll get easier everyday, and Law and Order SVU has been acting as an amazing substitute for morphine (haven't watched this much TV in a decade), but for now, man. What the hell.

Yep, it pretty much sucks. Best friend I had for ten years cut all ties with her friends when she met her new girlfriend. Had a pretty rough year because of it. I didn't know who to see and what to do as she was the person I would go out the most with.

Hang in there. Doing more social activities helped me and I mostly found a new group of friends to hang out with.

I have a friend of 10 years that I've just drifted apart from because we are in different places of our lives right now. I had the chance to see him a couple of weeks ago but I didn't even entertain going because I don't feel like our connection is there anymore. It sucks and I wish it was different but unfortunately its not.

I wouldn't let it get to you too much.

It sounds trite to say it, especially as I don't know you, but these things happen. They really do. It could be as simple as they are going through something that they can't bring themselves to talk you about right now and just need some time to themselves or with close family.

Try giving them some space for a while and maybe just dropping them a friendly, casual, "just checking in" type of email at a later date That way they can respond at their own pace and not feel too pressured.

Yes, even good friends can drift apart for various reasons big and small. Usually it isn't an 'instant' thing in my opinion, but yes it can both happen and feel relatively fast, you don't have contact for days and suddenly its been weeks.

If they don't respond through channels where you usually reach them, there is no point in stressing it further unless you worry something negative might have happened to them, in which case it explains why there's not been a reply.

Yeah it sucks, but at the end of the day not everybody you think is a friend is a actually a friend. It's impossible to ever really tell what somebody else is actually thinking. Also sometimes people go through shit that they can't really deal with, i know i've lost friends cause of anxiety issues and shit as i tend to just not talk to people for extended amounts of time, and it's not cause i don't care for those people it's just some shit that i go through sometimes.

The dumbest thing to result from all this is I think I understand a little of the psychology behind people that, post break-up, act really stupidly. I was half way to making a new steam account and purchasing something for 5 bucks so I could send a friend request with a message asking "wtf?" before I stopped, wondering what the hell was I doing.

yeah, that's real tough. I hope you get an explanation some day.

It does make you wonder how much the friendship meant to the other person if they are willing to so absolutely cut off all contact without nary a word. It's a little immature and honestly stinks of high-school level breakups. Most functioning adults, or rational people for that matter, will at least engage in some discourse. Cutting someone off like this is just a petty way for one person to "stay on top" so to speak.

One thing I've learned, and obviously this doesn't apply when somebody actively blocks you and what not, but the closest friends will often stay just as good of friends, even if you don't get to see each other often. My two closest friends and I rarely see each other, especially now that I moved out of state. One of them has a family and all that jazz, but when we do get a chance to hang out, all of that fear or worry that it just won't be the same goes out the window in just a few minutes, and it's like old times. I've gone months without seeing one or both of them before, and we just realize that's how life gets, and we're just happy to find the time when we can. I definitely miss the old days of getting out of class and spending most of the day just chilling or getting drunk on weekends and all of the usual teenage stuff, but those days are longggg gone.

@Turambar

Im gonna open up here more than I ever have before. So yeah, here it goes.

I had 2 really great/close friends that I did this to 3 years ago. It wasn't that I didn't want to be friends anymore or that I disliked/hated them. I've been battling with depression/anxiety most of my life, and it finally caught up with me. Even though they were my friends and deep down I knew they loved/cared about me, my anxiety always made me feel like I didn't belong, that they hated me and they' be better off without me. And so I did what you described: deleted my Facebook, unfriended them on steam/psn, sold my phone so I couldn't get texts/phone calls. FYI, this is called ghosting: when a close friend, seemingly, disappears off the face of the earth.

Time passed and even things like finding out one of their parents died couldn't wake me from my despondent trance. I've felt like complete shit ever since. Eventually, after moving hundreds of miles away, I reached out and told them how much I regretted doing what I did. Although we're no longer in each other's lives, I feel we're on okay terms, or at least that they don't hate me.

My advise is that if you really care about this friend and you suspect they might be in a position similar to mine, do everything you can to contact them and convey that you care and don't want to lose their friendship.

@rongalaxy: Thanks for that.

I can say I have done somewhat similar things to @rongalaxy, if not that far. But the a period of time with certain people for depression/anxiety reasons. For me, those periods could come from a really down day or a few days and then after there is almost this weird thing where its hard to break through the silence. Especially if you have anxiety issues, thinking about how you "ghosted" on someone can keep you from even reaching back out to them depending because you can imagine some negative response from them. When I had my worst moments of depression I was often pushing away people who cared about me. This was before I was open about my issues too so I know with at least one of these people they just thought I didn't care about them (ruined a relationship). Sad but true.

That's too bad. You do have to consider what might be up with them. And also unfortunately like another person or two said, what a friend really is and how these things can go south. It is a really painful thing to not have communication when something like this happens. Like you bring up, feels like one of those sudden break up situations where you almost want to stalk them or something and get some kind of dialogue.

@thenewgameplusdotcom: Same way with me and my friends. Just went home after being away for some time and was nice to fall back in with them and realize we all have similar shit going on. I am not on facebook and stuff so felt very out of contact but it was like old times.

Like @fear_the_booboo mentions, try to meet some new people. Change happens so try to take some initiative yourself at least instead of just being down.

I stopped talking to a great friend because of some personal differences for like, 2 or so years. I contacted him later on and we pretty much picked up right we left off, having both matured and realized how to better handle life. I think in time, both parties realized there were so many more good times than bad that it was silly to throw away a friendship like that.

I have friends I've known for 25 years, and we occasionally just stop talking for months at a time. Not hostility, usually, we just do other stuff for a while. Then we run into each other and it doesn't feel like we missed a beat.

I suppose a break now and then can be ok. A refresh of sorts.

The last friend that I ever made (that wasn't a co-worker) disappeared from my life during High School. We didn't have a falling out, he just had to go away somewhere and he never came back, despite telling me otherwise.

I changed schools in Junior High after moving a significant enough distance to pretty much start fresh in life. He was the only person that I had made a new connection with in that new chapter in my life, and him having gone away like that really soured the rest of my time in High School. Almost to the point of ruining my life, what with declining grades and all.

I managed to make it work, miraculously. I'm doing pretty well for someone without a High School diploma, but I still have close to zero friends these days. Like most people here, the ones I do have we only make contact once every few months.

hmm, reminds me what happened with my ex, but hey what can you do. It might be unpleasant now but i'm sure you'll get over it soon enough.

Like many have pointed out, there could be many reasons (pretty much an infinite) why that friend stopped talking to you. Somehow, I doubt it was done maliciously. You don't just randomly cut ties with someone you've talked to on a daily basis for 8 years unless there's an argument or break up of sorts. There's a reason behind it, but like I said, you're most likely are not the problem he/she has.

I had something similar happen. Had a friend for nearly 25 years, grew up together, went to school together, were next door neighbours growing up. He met a girl, 4 months later they were married, and he cut off contact with 4 of his close friends because "she didn't like them". He has also lost contact with one of his brothers as well because of her.

Haven't spoken to him in 7 years. Hurt like hell at first and I went through a bad patch of depression because of it, and I put on about an extra 30 pounds. Have thankfully lost the majority of that weight and now feel the best (both physically and mentally) I have in years.

I did realise afterwards that a lot of the negativity in my life stemmed from me hanging out with him, he was the kind of person that would put everyone down around him so that he would feel better, like a friend who spent 3 years working in Japan as a translator and only came home when he dad was sick with cancer, he would throw remarks like "you wasted 3 years of your life out there, what did you ever get out of it?" or "what did it get ya?" shit like that.

There a quote that I've seen online that usually associated with William Gibson, though I think it may be miss-attributed to him. "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes." and he was damn right.

I wanted to mention that silence is used by people who clam up when they feel emotionally drained. Like, it's hard for them to talk, write, or produce any kind of communication. When I was married, my wife became depressed from time to time, and she needed time to think things through without too many distractions. I found over time that I had become a distraction when I tried asking her how I could help. So instead of trying to help her by talking to her, I was just 'around' until she made the contact first. After that, I knew that I could better help her. All of this was really weird for me in the beginning, and I had no idea that she was like that. Her coping mechanism to handle stress was completely different from mine when I felt stressed out (I'm much more talkative), so I had to learn how to help her the most (which was basically to be quiet). I wanted to point that out because not providing an explanation for a sudden change in behavior could be a sign of depression, and so the best remedy at this point might simply be the age old cure of time. I realize you're hurting and feel emotional drained, but in my experience, the person who is depressed cannot handle the other person's hurt feelings. They simply have to concentrate on themselves at the moment because their own feelings completely consumes them.

I'm sorry to hear that, but if they cut you out without even talking to you, they weren't really your friend. Friendship requires trust and respect, two things clearly this person didn't have for you.

Had it happen to me pretty much. Best friend of ten years, who spent a lot of time with me for that long, went across state for college, and after, I didn't hear much about what he was doing; last thing I hear is that he moved to China and he's going to stay there. My mom and his are friends on Facebook still, and my brothers and mom are friend-ed to him on there as well, but I don't think he goes on much. I don't know what happened, maybe he just wanted to move on. To be honest, I'm not, and wasn't that torn up about it. The biggest thing is that for some time, since we played games a lot and talked about them, after I played a new game, I wanted to talk to him about it, or have him play it, so when that couldn't happen, it was a bit depressing I suppose. The last time I heard from him was in 2012. I was in and out of sleep; he spent the night over at my house, and he told my brother he'd see us in June or something, then left. Although I feel like if he ever came back, we'd get along like old times as if no time had passed, now I don't really consider him a friend anymore. Enough time has passed, and enough things have changed that I don't really consider him to be one. Sorry to hear about your predicament. Give it some time.

I've gone through that somewhat recently.

This is sadly the biggest disadvantage of online friendships. Because of the convenience it's easier to build stronger more idea based friendships instead of it being bound to workplace or friend circles, but the thought always looms in my head. If they die, will someone tell me? If I die will someone else tell those people? They don't know my passwords so how would they?

When my friend went dark, I started looking at obituaries in the region and it drove me crazy. I was lucky that I did hear back from them eventually about what had transpired, but regardless it opened my eyes to how dependant you can become on a person you've never been in the same room with.

It is weird to think that because of the internet we are going to be seeing more and more lifelong friendships form and end there and maybe you'll be chatting with them on your death bed someday.

Anyway, sorry for the tangent. The anger and sadness with subside, but maybe take it as motivation to expand your other relationships and try and make new ones.

I don't mean to be a downer here, but what a shitty fucking friend if all ties are cut just like that. We all know that drifting apart is a thing that can happen, but even when that happens you're still free to speak to each other on occasion to ask how things are going and whatnot. Getting blocked on WhatsApp and even Steam? Like... what the fuck could've even happened if someone does that? Did you sleep with their boy/girlfriend or something?

Thanks a lot all of you, for both the support and commiseration. It means a whole lot.

It does suck. My best friend of 25 years recently cut me off, also some of his other friends, and also his brother... completely off. Different reasons for each, but none that make sense to me, and there was no discussing it with him, he just blocked all communication. He was kind of an asshole to some people at times, and he's the kind of person that believes in the black & white interpretation of morals - you either believe and behave the way he wants, or you deserve nothing. Yeah, sounds like a bad friend, and in hindsight maybe so, but I had some of the best times of my life since childhood with him, and he wasn't ever an asshole to me at all, until recently when he did this.

To be fair, I sort of helped the breakup of him and his recent girlfriend along (and supported her in the situation, for the most part), but she was out of there either way and he knew that for sure - she was not happy with him at all and he was emotionally abusive to her (not physically though). He also clearly didn't love or even really like her, so I thought my involvement was helping both of them in the long run - and she needed the support because she had no family and very few friends to support her, many of which she lost because they were direct relations to him and he basically gave them an ultimatum as well - support him in the situation and never talk to her again, or he'd cut THEM off too! He saw me supporting anyone above him, no matter what the situation, as the ultimate betrayal, I think - again, his black and white "moral" behavior. But I also understood his personality because he came from a rather messed up family - so I accepted that part of him, until the above happened.

Honestly, friends come and go and it's best to just move forward and meet new people. Either on-line or simply going out. I lost a friend of 25 years back in 2014 simply because I refused to accept his religion. Last summer he contacted me after cutting me off begging for financial help. I refused to mend fences and simply told him to ask his god for help. Now he's divorced and living with his dying mom again at the age of 35. F*** that guy, for real.

@zombievac: ehh... I think I can understand your friend on that one. I probably would have cut you off too. When it comes down to relationships it's always best to stay on the outside unless you're related to them and even then you should be cautious as hell. You're lucky that didn't turn into a fist fight or worse.

Sure, if you don't care much about either party, that would make sense - or if you think "bro's over ho's" is the best model of friendship. I did care about both of them, both were friends, but I knew she needed support more, he was holding the fact that she had no support over here to control her. I also had realized that, as a friend, even though I could guess his reaction to what I did to an extent, I was doing the right thing and it was his problem if he will cut off people he's close to over things that matter little in the long run, or even worse, as an intention to help. I did not get involved unaware of how he was, though I also held hope that he'd see that it was best in the long run, even for him, especially for him if he ever wants to have a successful relationship. To be clear, I didn't cause it, I just helped her during and after the breakup and refused to cut her off as he had dictated to everyone he knew. I would not, and have not, ever gotten involved like this before (under normal circumstances of relationships) - it was because she needed help more than I cared that I would have to deal with his irrational hate.

Luckily my remaining group of friends aren't insecure narcissists and none of us care who the others choose to be friends with, even if we don't like that person for whatever reason.

And BTW, if it had turned into a fist fight, I would have honestly preferred that. It would have been easier to really FEEL like it was not a worthwhile friendship if that had been his reaction. Alas, I still see why he is the way he is and still care about his fate and happiness, despite his flaws which now directly have affected me and everyone around him.