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EA Knows That Knowing Is Half The Battle

Jeff Gerstmann
Commentary
I'm not even sure what this is supposed to be, but it was in with the press release. If it's the new GI Joe logo for the movie, I like the idea of the movie even less now. Wow, this caption's getting pretty long I should probably stop typing now. Anyway, hey, hi! How's it going tonight? Cool, cool. OK, gotta go. Laters!
Yep, Electronic Arts is working on a game featuring the G.I. Joe license. It announced that fact this morning, along with a long list of platforms and a loose "summer 2009" release window. The game will coincide with the theatrical release of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, which opens on August 7. So it's probably pretty safe to assume some sort of August release.

There aren't a ton of details available on what, exactly, the game is, though we do know it'll contain 12 playable characters, each with unique abilities. The game will also feature single-screen co-op play, which makes me guess that it won't be a standard first- or third-person shooter. So your "Gears of War, but with Dusty, Roadblock, Flint, and Snowjob" dreams are right out the window.

While it'll hit alongside the movie, the press release claims that it won't be directly based on the movie. Additionally, the game is being referred to as "G.I. Joe: The Game" rather than just piggybacking on the name of the movie. Here's the relevant portion of the press release:
The G.I. JOE® video game will feature an exclusive storyline that picks up where the live-action movie leaves off, allowing players to re-create and re-live the greatest moments from the film, cartoon series and action figure toy line.
Reliving moments from the movie, the cartoon, and the toy line (did the toys have "moments?") gives them a pretty wide berth in terms of story stuff. Hope they do some justice to the classics. In fact, here are the bits I'd like to see in the game. If you've been reading the site for any length of time, you probably already know the first one.

  • The two-parter where Shipwreck gets put into a fake city full of synthoids because he has secret weapon plans embedded in his brain.
  • The rise of Serpentor.
  • The first miniseries where Cobra builds the teleporter and they fight underwater with all those big, white worms because they need different elements to power it.
  • The animated G.I. Joe movie, where Cobra Commander just sort of wanders around shouting "once a maaaaaaan!"
  • The Fred VII storyline from the comics.
  • The PSA where Roadblock wants to give out a body massage.
  • "The Viper" episode, where the window wiper with an accent leads Barbecue to uncover a ton of secret Cobra installations.
  • The two-parter where Dusty goes undercover and only Duke knows he's not a traitor... but DUKE IS IN A COMA DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN
  • The set where the Joes end up in an alternate dimension where The Baroness is a good guy and Steeler gets stung by a weird bug. Oh, and some of them stay behind to "fight the good fight."
  • The Eau de Cobra episode.
  • The episode where Cobra starts a fake rock band called Cold Slither and uses subliminal messages to mesmerize the world. This level would obviously use the Rock Band instruments.

OK, that's enough for a first game and like four sequels, so... uh... yeah. Anyway, G.I. Joe was awesome. I am fearful of my childhood being mined like this and think the movie looks like it could be decent, but not in the same way the show was. So I have my doubts about any game trying to ship in the wake of that. Especially now that I'm thinking about the existence of Cold Slither. You know the movie isn't going to have anything that amazing in it.