Under what circumstance is it 'okay' to start dating one of your friend's "EXs"

I mean the friend has no "claim" in this situation. They don't have permission to give out and it's not really their business what you or their former partner do with their lives.

Just everybody mind their own business.

People don't own other people, but everyone is entitled to their reactions. Date who you want if the but be prepared to lose a friend in the process if it is in your mind that it may be "too soon". Personally, I value long-term friends over potential romantic partners, but everyone has priorities and feelings and the right to feel however they want about a situation. There's not a right or wrong answer, just a big mushy mess of choices and consequences.

The answer is both any time and never. Here is the deal, your friend isn’t entitled to his ex, nor is he entitled to you, to dictate what the two of you do, at all. However, they are entitled to have feelings about it and to stop being your friend for any reason or no reason. So it’s less a question of “is it okay” and more “are the consequences or doing this something I can live with.” I generally discourage the idea of dating a friends Ex because the relationship with a friend generally outweighs my desire for romance, especially when there are so many other romantic options on earth, but that I just my priorities, not other people’s and I can’t impress my personal feeling on others actions. That might sound wishy washy, but frankly, there is no right or wrong answer, it’s just a questions of if it is worth it for you specifically.

Now, in the sense of this being a decades old grudge, frankly, that is a long time to hold onto a grudge, and also a long time to hold onto a friend that holds a grudge. I’ve come to think that letting either go is the better corse of action. I had a friend that secretly hated me for years and when I realized, honestly, the best thing was to end contact because the grudge was over things so old literally I wasn’t that person anymore, but they were convinced I was the same old shithead. I expressed regret for the hurt I caused and broke off contact and frankly, I don’t regret having someone that passively seethed against me not around anymore, and I imagine he he happier not having a reminder of the person that slighted him (it was due to taking another persons side in an argument when we were 19.)

I think is very much depends on whether it was a good breakup or a nasty one. If there were no hard feelings in the break up, a few days should be fine, though I would give the friend a heads up. If one side or the other was particularly hurt, though, you will have to choose sides at some point, and that probably isn't worth it. Unless, of course, you think it is worth it, but then be prepared to lose a friend.

And yes, lots of people do things in college. Unless they are particularly hateful and/or hurtful in some way, those things should not be held against people twenty years later.

I'm surprised how popular the 'immediately' option is. Especially when 'a few days' option is apparently the more patient option already. What's the hurry? :D

Even if there's no scheming involved, it's pretty clear that both of the people involved don't give a shit about the friend if the new relationship starts at the same day or a day later. At that point, was the first relationship just a way to get closer to the real catch? If there's no empathy, it just makes me wonder what this friendship was based on.

If you value the friendship, especially in the first weeks, i'd give the friend a heads up and check how they feel about the idea. If they do have problems with it, you can have a good conversation whether it's because the thought of the ex in a new relationship is painful or if it's specifically to see the ex with a friend. Which means that they'll hang out in the same circles and that being painful.

You can still go for the relationship eventhough you know it's painful for the friend. After all, it's also up to them to not stay angry and keep a friend hostage with their feelings. Time heals most wounds, especially if they can look back on the situation and realize that an honest attempt was made to be a good friend. But i definitly think you need to put in some effort into managing the relationship with the person that got dumped if you want to keep the friendship alive.

I think it sort of depends on too many variables, but ultimately I went with their business is their business. But I would also feel pretty betrayed by both my ex and my friend if they did that and didn't give me a heads up. Like if I found out from someone else. But I've stayed good friends with most of my exes and they have usually gone on to date others and in the end, it's not a big deal.

Assuming you want to build a stable, healthy relationship and also maintain your friendship with the third party, then I would think a few months is probably okay. Depends on how bad the break-up was, I suppose. Harbouring a grudge for so many years might seem strange, but we're all human beings with emotions that we can't always control or even make sense of. College is specifically the time where we all get to try and work these sorts of things out, relationships and human interaction and all that, and sometimes we're going to get it wrong and people are going to get hurt and you have to learn to live with the consequences of your actions.

So there is no right or wrong answer, just a bunch of monkeys trying to make the best of their time on this spinning rock in space, I guess.

So as others have said, your friend doesn’t own his ex or you. There is nothing inherently wrong about dating a friend’s ex. But as a good friend you should let them know that you are going to ask her out, especially if it is very soon after their breakup. At that point they should let you know if they are okay with it. If they aren’t, well you have to decide if that potential romance is worth more than the friendship. No answer here is wrong except for of course trying to break them up. But every answer could lead to a missed opportunity or ruined relationship.

I don't believe in a minimum time but I'd always ask how they felt about it before doing anything. It doesn't matter if they have some right to decide or not, if you care about your friends then you should keep their feelings in mind. Good friends are much harder to find/more valuable than sexual partners are.

In a situation where the poll question comes up: never. You're the support structure for your friend full stop. I guess the one circumstance would be giving up on that friendship?

@efesell: Rare to see the perfect and most reasonable answer right at the start of a thread.

N E V E R

I'm surprised at the amount who voted - NEVER. That makes me laugh a bit, because that seems unrealistic.

Haha, yeah, the "immediately" and "never" options are both pretty extreme. People, don't live your lives in these absolutes.

I wouldn't date anyone the day of or the day after a breakup (which seems to be the "immediately" option), regardless of whether I know their ex. Give them some time to process things, get back to a normal state of being, etc. Even if they insist they immediately want to start dating within hours of a breakup, I don't trust most people to make a good judgment call on that one.

Also the rest of your life is a long time (usually), so the "never" option seems equally silly. Maybe you completely fall out of touch with that friend within 5-10 years, but somehow run into their ex by coincidence and you really hit it off and start dating. Like literally who cares at that point.

My read on Never is that you either have a very shitty friend who would hold that kind of grudge or you quietly worry that you have a very shitty friend who would hold that kind of grudge.

On one hand nobody should have a say in who you date, on the other hand I absolutely understand how that might rub people the wrong way. You never just "start dating someone", one of you made a conscious decision to ask the other person out and it raises the question of why specifically that person out of all the other available people in your area. There may be good answers to that question but it can make you look like you're just being opportunistic.

The Never option is unrealistic because these situations all have a lot of nuance the poll options don’t cover. If your friend cheated on “his” ex and “she” broke up with him because he was a dirtbag, then it’s a completely different story. If you are out of high school and are a reasonable person with equally reasonable friends then you can work things out. Are you going to potentially miss out on the love of your life because of the “bro code” ?

It's a case by case thing.

I like how the "majority" of people picked the most tranquil answer. So they seem like good people. Feels super pandering. Go with your heart. Thks is not a question to leave to a poll on a video game website.

@rich666: I like how the "majority" of people picked the most tranquil answer. So they seem like good people.

I don't think that's necessarily the case. I think it's more that when you ask people without any skin in the game to make a rational decision in a very emotional situation, they tend to provide the most rational answer. There are billions of potential partners out there in the world, so going with an friend's ex, which can damage the friendship, can be easily avoided. Rationally it makes sense, but naturally things don't often work that way in the real world, where it's very likely to have chemistry & fall in love with someone you're in touch with on a regular basis. And you're not choosing to have certain feelings neither.

If we assume that commenters put slightly more effort into the question than poll clickers, suddenly there are only 2 that unequivolently say that you should never date an ex of a friend.

Not sure how to answer the poll, but also it’s not like you have to follow a code or something. Like what if the three of you were friends beforehand, where that person is more like a mutual friend than so-and-so’s ex? What if you all were in the same scene or social circle? What if the previous relationship was just casual?

If it’s one of those things where you would only know about the ex through your friend, I guess that’s more noteworthy, but I’m not sure if there’s a definitive rule saying you could never date that person. It may come across as “off” depending on the breakup, how long they dated, and a bunch of other variables. If it was ever a situation were you are crossing some weird boundaries, it’s one of those things where there are plenty of other people you could date.

I don't have to deal with this ever, one of the many benefits to not having friends :)

:(