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    Final Fantasy VII

    Game » consists of 20 releases. Released Jan 31, 1997

    The seventh numbered entry in the Final Fantasy franchise brings the series into 3D with a landmark title that set new industry standards for cinematic storytelling. Mercenary Cloud Strife joins the rebel group AVALANCHE in their fight against the power-hungry Shinra Company, but their struggle soon becomes a race to save the entire Planet from an impending cataclysm.

    Fighting Final Fantasy VII - Parts 1-33: OH GOD! What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

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    Part 0 - A Preface From Your Author

    Here we go again….
    Here we go again….

    How did this happen to me? I played Final Fantasy VIII, my first Final Fantasy game, and that was supposed to be it! DING DONG THE WITCH IS GONE! I should be free to play other games on my proverbial gaming “bucket list” similar to what the Final Fantasy franchise use to represent to me. But here I am, and clearly something has gone horribly wrong. I regret my life choices.

    Or at least that’s what I want you to think as to how I feel about playing another Final Fantasy game! Why hello there internet! It’s been awhile since you last gave me your time to talk about Final Fantasy games to a great extent, but here we are! As my dower introduction suggests a few weeks ago I played Final Fantasy VII for the purposes of the Giant Bomb Community Endurance Run which was a charity live streaming event hosted by my fellow Giant Bomb moderator @thatpinguino.

    Looking at my save files for the game I spent approximately fifteen hours playing Final Fantasy VII, and I embarrassingly enough didn’t even come close to completing the very first disc. Now as you can clearly see I couldn’t let my adventure with the game end there! Not only did I feel a sense of obligation to give the people what they wanted, but I haven’t quite been able to shake Final Fantasy VII from my mind. Since walking away from the game a handful of weeks ago there’s just something about it that keeps me from dropping it entirely. I cannot quite put my finger on it, but it is just been a game that I can’t shake, which is oddly enough the same feeling that I had for Final Fantasy VIII.

    So here we are! This will be my SECOND journey into a Final Fantasy game, and I would be honored if you graced me with your presence through this. This time around I’m going into the game entirely blind. My “Sherpa” from my Final Fantasy VIII journey is well...less “inclined” with VII than he is with VIII or IX. Does that mean that the position is available for any of you? Well...let’s see how I do before calling upon any assistance. I will also be maintaining my “NO GUIDES” rule for anything related to the main story. Guides will be permitted to complete side quests and mini-games, but everything else will have to be solved using either dumb luck, or my own intuition.

    Also, and this is important, DON’T RUIN THIS FOR ME! To many of you playing through Final Fantasy VII was an incredibly “special” experience. While I cannot reverse what I know about the game via reverse osmosis, I do feel obligated to ask you to be respectful on my latest blog series. Please...don’t spoil anything that I speculate or theorize about on this blog series. Well, unless I ask or request you to. Even if you KNOW that my predictions are horribly incorrect, keep that to yourself. My inability to properly predict the insanity that was Final Fantasy VIII’s story was without a doubt my favorite aspects of that game. As a result, let us all endeavor to maintain that level of decorum for this long day’s journey into night.

    Part 1: Where Do I Even Begin? OH I KNOW HOW ABOUT THE PC CONTROLS?

    Yes you did indeed hear that correct! I am already complaining about the controls on the PC port of a Final Fantasy game, and we aren’t ten minutes into the game! For those that did not follow my blog series on Final Fantasy VIII, the controls to that game were the penultimate bane in my existence whilst playing it. The ultimate villain in Final Fantasy VIII was its brain meltingly preposterous story. However I digress, the controls for the Steam version of Final Fantasy VII were pissed out by the same people who ported the Steam version of Final Fantasy VIII, and I know that because whenever you boot up the game you are greeted with this:

    OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
    OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

    What more is there to say other than the controls are bad, and result in entire sequences in Final Fantasy VII feeling like they are downright unplayable? I know that there were a myriad of you exclaiming as to why I don’t just play these games with a controller, and the answer is simple. I’m horrible with technology and could not be fucked to care. Plus, these are the controls that the game came packaged with, and that means that there are/were grown adults that thought that this was “OKAY” to ship with. Someone out there thought that this was okay.

    Now you see which key the “SWITCH” function ties to? Yeah...it’s the [Insert]-key! When was the last time you legitimately used the [Insert]-key on your keyboard, besides accidentally hitting it when trying to click the [Delete]-key? Oh and when the game asks you to hit the keyboard equivalent to the “START” button someone thought that translated to the [B]-key!

    THE FUCKING [B]-KEY!

    It's not the Space Bar, and not even the “ENTER” Key, but instead it’s the [B]-Key! I’ll warn you now, these controls are going to be a major source of frustration latter down the road. However, you came here to see me hyper analyze the controls AND the story to Final Fantasy VII. Let’s move on so I can at least hold up the second part to my bargain.

    Part 2: Creating a Sense of Place Without Words

    Why hello there!
    Why hello there!

    Going from Final Fantasy VIII to this is certainly a mind altering experience. That aside I am already starting to notice some tangential similarities between the two games. Both start with CG cutscenes that introduce the player with the major characters as well locations found in the game. That said, I have to concede that Final Fantasy VII’s introductory cutscene is vastly superior to Final Fantasy VIII’s. With VIII you saw two bozos duking it out with laughably large swords with no context as to who they were or why they were fighting. Final Fantasy VII does start with the camera zoomed in on a major character that the player does not know, but it than pans out to provide the audience with a visual tour of the world they are in. As a result, it’s able to add context to what the player will quickly be interacting with. Midgar is a teeming steampunkian paradise that has clearly seen its better day, and it’s admirable that this was able to be communicated without a single line of spoken dialogue.

    It is a surprisingly effective and moving moment where the visuals and music work together in perfect harmony in order to create a sense of place that audience wishes to explore and interact with. When the title card finally rolls out over the decayed backdrop of Midgar it takes your breath away. From this very quick and simple scene you have a real clear sense of place without any heavy handed expository dialogue. The city of Midgar is a dystopian slum that is well past its glory days. The Shinra Headquarters stands ominously above everyone else like a monolith watching your every move.

    A great title card overall
    A great title card overall

    Now if there’s one tiny nitpick that I feel compelled to make it would have to be when the game finally transitions from this cutscene to the actual gameplay. The moment when the player genuinely gains control of Cloud at the train station is too stark of a juxtaposition for me to stomach. Now I understand that this game started development in the mid 1990's, and much of this complaint is due to the technical limitations of game development at the time. To that I would like to go on record saying that I found the set piece of Midgar to be an engrossing one that I still felt able to immerse myself in. Well...right up until the game asked me to navigate through environmental puzzles on two dimensional backgrounds with polygon character sprites, but that’s an issue for another time.

    Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....
    Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

    I mention all of this for an honest reason. This is the first time I have ever played Final Fantasy VII, but I guess that goes without saying. More importantly, it has to be recognized that I am looking at this game with an entirely different lens than anyone who played the game when it first came out in the 1990's did or does. Another point that I must confess to, is that at some point I will have to answer the question if I think people like me, that is to say Final Fantasy “neophytes,” should actually play this game. As of right now I can say this: some of Final Fantasy VII’s visual rough edges are easier to forgive than others. A moment like this is certainly off-putting, but it does not critically handicap my enjoyment of the game.

    Part 3: So I Guess Our Heroes are Terrorists...WAIT WHAT!?

    Alright so let me get this straight...Cloud is a mercenary currently working for an eco-terrorist group called “AVALANCHE,” whose name is entirely capitalized for reasons that I do not entirely understand. Also, said eco-terrorist group wants to wantonly obliterate a power plant that provides thousand, if not millions, of people with affordable electricity. Additionally, blowing up said power plant may place the lives of thousands, if not millions, of innocent civilians at risk.

    WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
    WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

    Alright so yes, the game makes a very clear case that the Shinra Electric Power Company is all sorts of bad news, but does that entirely excuse Barret’s collateral damage? Shinra is providing electricity at a rate that is outstripping the planet’s ability to replenish said fuel source, which in this case is Materia. That said we just had an opening sequence where it looks like a majority of the world’s population lives in a steampunk dystopian slum, which would necessitate the use of electricity. Disregarding the negative externalities of blowing up a fuel reactor, and completely ignoring the risk of civilian casualties, WHICH WE WILL DISCUSS IN A BIT, I find it hard to accept this motley crew are engaged in entirely “heroic” activities. To make matters worse the leader of this ragtag group of terrorists, Barret, postures himself like a cult leader.

    Oh and boy howdy, I honestly do not know what to say about Barret’s translation in this version of Final Fantasy VII. As a biracial white asian I don’t exactly feel like I have the ability to contextualize his characterization. What I will say is this: how Barret speaks feels out of place for a leader of a terrorist group, and the tone of the game at this point. I know that Barret looks like Mr. T, but he’s a leader of an organization. As a result, he should be articulate and maybe even soft spoken.

    Part 4: Everyone is An Asshole to Cloud

    Did I mention that I like long walks on the beach?
    Did I mention that I like long walks on the beach?

    Can I take one moment to talk about how everyone treats Cloud like shit during most of this mission, and we are suppose to just forget about it when the mission is over? Biggs and Wedge both express skepticism on having Cloud in their incompetent group of ne'er do wells, and worse yet they also talk down to him throughout the mission. Then you have our glorious supreme leader, Barret, who straight up says to your face that he doesn’t trust having you on his mission! HEY ASSHOLE! You’re the leader of this shit show! If you don’t trust Cloud then you could have hired someone else to help with your folly! Then when it’s all said and done, these jackasses share a concern about Cloud’s well-being! I’m sorry, but did blowing up a Mako reactor cause blunt force trauma to your cranium?

    You blow through a bunch of guards while you make your way through the refinery. As a result of my many battles with the Shinra soldiers I noticed two things:

    1) Shinra is an electrical company that inexplicably has its own private military.

    2) The machine guns that the Shinra soldiers use need to be returned, because they suck shit.

    When were these guns made? 1885?
    When were these guns made? 1885?

    When it comes to my latter point I am honestly not joking. The machine guns that the Shinra soldiers use result in four to ten points of damage, but the sword that Cloud uses results in forty points of damage. Whatever...there are weirder things about this power-plant to discuss.

    However, let’s return to how Barret and his cronies treat Cloud like garbage for 90% of this mission. For example, when Cloud responds to Barret’s explanation as to why AVALANCHE wishes to blow up one of Shinra’s reactors with disinterest, he’s treated by Barret as if he has committed a mortal sin. Hey Barret! Do you not know what a mercenary is? If you wanted someone to buy into your bullshit environmental agenda then you should have hired a hippie! Now I do not mention all of this to just be a nitpicky asshole, well at least not entirely. In fact, I bring this up for a reason. Remember when I mentioned how Wedge, Biggs, and Barret treat Cloud like trash for 90% of this mission? Well for some inexplicable reason, when you hit that 91% mark they all of the sudden speak of Cloud as if he’s this close comrade that they have known for a while...despite only having been introduced to him as a result of hiring him for this one mission. This narrative inconsistency was the first major event in Final Fantasy VII that left a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth. Now admittedly this bitterness didn’t “ruin” the marvelous spectacle that is the storming of the first reactor, but it is a bit of a “black mark” so to speak.

    Part 5: Close Encounters of the Random Kind

    No Caption Provided

    Let’s discuss the random encounters in this game. Coming off from Final Fantasy VIII, which has an ability where you can entirely turn off random encounters, I knew going into this game that the random encounters would be one of the most difficult aspect of the game for me to stomach. By playing Final Fantasy VII I would finally be confronted with one of the genre’s more “notorious” aspects, which is “random encounters.” Oh, and guess what?

    I FIND THE NUMBER OF RANDOM ENCOUNTERS IN THIS GAME TO BE SOUL CRUSHING!

    No really...there are a ton of random encounter battles in this game. Being a Final Fantasy neophyte, it has honestly been tough slogging through the random battles just to get to the more interesting parts of the game. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that the system is a product of its time. Random battles are essentially here to ensure that I’m never under-leveled in the game. That said, the random encounters in this initial sequence are a jarring experience, and do you want to know why? BECAUSE THE GAME DOESN’T HAVE A TUTORIAL UNTIL AFTER THIS ENTIRE REACTOR SEQUENCE IS DONE! That’s a big dick move game! You have a magic and Materia system which would benefit me to use in combat, but I have no idea how to use or take advantage of either of those until AFTER this sequence is complete! That right there is crock of shit!

    What does any of this mean?
    What does any of this mean?

    Another oddity about the random encounters is how inconsistent Final Fantasy VII is at having “safe zones” where they do not occur. Climbing up a wire to reach the Shinra Headquarters? THAT’S A SAFE ZONE FROM RANDOM ENCOUNTERS! Exploring the Shinra Headquarters after everyone has been massacred? NOT A SAFE ZONE FROM RANDOM ENCOUNTERS! The latter scenario is just one example of how the random encounters can be tonally out of place. You could have experienced one of the game’s “darker” or more emotionally taut moments, and then immediately graced with a random encounter with a giant mutant chicken demon. Now with my mechanic based complaints out of the way, let’s get back to my heavy handed summary of the plot.

    Part 6: Painless Exposition and Robots

    I also decided to change the menu system to purple.
    I also decided to change the menu system to purple.

    It’s very quickly revealed to the player that Cloud is a former member of SOLDIER, which I think is an elite group of super soldiers under the employ of Shinra. Which might I add Shinra has like ten different paramilitary organizations and groups under their employ...FOR REASONS! I actually am okay with the game not detailing Cloud’s entire backstory right now. It adds in a bit of mystery, and motivates me to get invested in Cloud as a character in order to discover who he really is. Now while this is happening the game decides to have a tutorial on how to climb ladders in the environment, instead of providing a tutorial on how the Materia system works. This game sure has its priorities straight!

    And what did I do to Barret? Why has his portrait been tabbed?
    And what did I do to Barret? Why has his portrait been tabbed?

    You navigate yourself through a series of tubes and chains, sometimes to hilarious effect, until you reach the main reactor. Here the game decides to reveal that Cloud has neuroses and forces him to deal with the voice(s) in his head...yeah Barret you probably need to look into improving your background check system when it comes to who you hire for these missions. Once Cloud is done having his “moment” the bomb gets prepped. Eventually someone at Shinra finally decides to get their shit together and decides to engage their anti-terrorist security system, because all of the sudden a giant robotic scorpion appears to fight you.

    Okay...why didn’t Shinra send this robotic scorpion to fight Cloud and Barret the moment they entered the reactor, or after Cloud defeated his first Shinra guard? Why is there just one robot scorpion at a facility that is responsible for providing electricity for an entire sector? Why can’t any of the soldiers at the Mako Reactor shoot for shit? If Shinra is an evil corporation that is hellbent in improving their bottom line, then why aren’t they more actively protecting their primary source of revenue?

    What does Square have against arachnids?
    What does Square have against arachnids?

    Anyways, for those of you that caught my first attempt at trying to beat the scorpion robot you may remember that I failed to pick up on the importance of the scorpion raising its tail. Well I luckily didn’t make that mistake TWICE, though I must admit that I will repeat some of my mistakes from earlier. Once you are done with the robot scorpion Barret seemingly has the ability to trust Cloud. He promptly hands over the explosives necessary to complete the mission...despite having no real reason to suddenly trust Cloud with such a critical task. The worse part of this whole affair is when a countdown timer ominous appears on your screen like the Sword of Damocles. Really? A timed mission? In a game with random encounters? Was no one able to put the pieces together that timed missions combined with random encounters is like stuffing shit in a vomit filled burrito? Why do game developers love turning an already contrived experience...into an even MORE contrived one?

    You fight through this power reactor...in the same set pieces...against the same enemies...using the same tactics. It ends up coming across as an unnecessary slog during an otherwise tense and interesting introduction. Would it have really been that hard to create a back entrance at the reactor with new enemies for me to fight through? No? Fine..I guess I’ll have to fight whatever the game calls these sentient nerf guns.

    Woo hoo I guess....
    Woo hoo I guess....

    Part 7: Disregarding Collateral Damage

    Remember when I griped earlier about how the premise of Final Fantasy VII is built around supporting terrorists blowing up a utility station? Well it appears that those concerns were well founded because in the very next cutscene you witness the massive explosion that your actions result in. It is a massive explosion which is depicted as destroying public and private property within an entire sector, and thus placing thousands of lives at risk. Think I’m lying here? Well here are some screencaps to justify my uneasiness:

    I bet this explosion is in violation of the Kyoto Protocol.
    I bet this explosion is in violation of the Kyoto Protocol.

    Now admittedly, the game does an effective job in later depicting the managers of the Shinra Company as being immensely horrible people. The company is either run by greed filled egomaniacs, or self-centered pompous asses. That all works in the game’s favor, but what doesn’t work is how contradictory this scene feels in establishing Barret and his organization as “being in the right.” Take for example all of these innocent civilians running around not knowing what has just transpired on their homes or businesses:

    Looks like these people forgot their fire drill HR training.
    Looks like these people forgot their fire drill HR training.

    So does the game take the time to provide Barret and his troupe with some much needed wait time where they stop and think about this collateral damage? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Instead what you get are some incredibly heavy handed scenes where Barret drolls on about how “The Shinra” is killing the planet through its use Mako energy. Uh okay, but what about the thousands of people that you were indirectly responsible for killing as a result of your act of terror? Firstly, and this is directed towards Barret, how do you justify what has just transpired to anyone who has been negatively impacted by this act of terror, and expect them to see your side of things? Secondly, your inability to stop and think about your actions doesn't exactly frame you as a true freedom fighter. Instead it once again makes you look like a cult leader.

    All of Barret’s supporters buy into his idea that Shinra is ruining the planet, but not one person is able to highlight how that is the case, or the finer points of that claim. I’m sorry, but that makes it seem like AVALANCHE is actually a cult. I mean at first they try to justify their acts of terror as being for the supposed “greater good,” and eventually all of the members of AVALANCHE make a committed effort to recruit Cloud into their ranks. YUP THAT SOUNDS LIKE A CULT! Also ,and I honestly hate to come across as Randal from Clerks, but all of these people who lived near this reactor? THEY’RE FUCKED FOR LIFE!

    Way to go team!
    Way to go team!

    Part 8: Oh Hey That’s Right Cloud is The Protagonist

    Oh Cloud! You spoony bard!
    Oh Cloud! You spoony bard!

    The game transitions to Cloud running away from Shinra soldiers, and eventually jumping onto the top of a train, because hey why not? What follows then is a weird character moment for Cloud. Barret and his company gather together and show a sense of caring for Cloud that seems entirely unjustified as they have just met Cloud. While I have already commented on how Barret and his company do no favors for themselves; it’s also worth mentioning that Cloud does nothing to endear himself to the forces of AVALANCHE either. Thus far Cloud has shown absolutely zero regard for their organization or platform, and even blows away any suggestion that the very planet that he lives on may be in jeopardy. That’s not a protagonist; that’s an ASSHOLE! Following this forced character moment Cloud bursts through the train cart door with the swagger of an Errol Flynn inspired swashbuckler, and well...that’s odd to say the least.

    You see in the previous scenes Cloud was depicted as being a moody self-serious mercenary that’s only in this mission for the money. Now the game has juxtaposed him to come across as a cavalier swashbuckler. Latter, the game has the audacity to change the characterization of Cloud once again in order to frame him as a damaged war veteran with clear signs of post-traumatic stress disorder. So you know, a Final Fantasy game has a protagonist with inconsistent characterization. It’s a fucking problem, but at least Cloud’s characterization is MILES better than anything I saw in Final Fantasy VIII. I mean seriously JESUS CHRIST SQUALL IS A WALKING TRAIN-WRECK OF A HUMAN BEING!

    I'm sorry but are you the same person?
    I'm sorry but are you the same person?

    After the gang gets back together you experience one of Final Fantasy VII’s more quieter moments where Barret and company fill you in on the world of Midgar. Here you discover how Midgar has been constructed, the evils of Mako energy and the Shinra Company, and how Midgar is able to maintain an extensive mass transit system. To be honest I gave zero fucks about this during my live stream, and gave negative fucks about it this time around. All I remember about this scene is that Barret is somehow pissed off at pizza for some reason.

    No really...can someone translate this line of dialogue for me?
    No really...can someone translate this line of dialogue for me?

    Part 9: Well This Got Weird Real Quick

    You finally get off the train and enter the slums where Barret and his fellow terrorists live. The very first thing you see when you leave the train station? Why it’s hobo jacking off into an electric fence!

    What is this? Philadelphia?
    What is this? Philadelphia?

    When you actually enter the slums you discover two things very quickly. Firstly, the people of slums are none too pleased about Barret’s terrorist activities, and rightfully so if we are being perfectly honest with ourselves:

    That sounds like a real problem that no one has thought out all the way.
    That sounds like a real problem that no one has thought out all the way.
    So good sir, are you interested in joining AVALANCHE now?
    So good sir, are you interested in joining AVALANCHE now?

    Secondly, you enter a bar named “7th Heaven” that is emblazoned with a sign that reads “TEXAS COWBOY CLUB.”

    Wait...WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!
    Wait...WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!

    First off, Stephen Collins IS NOT a frequenter of this bar, and as a result I DEMAND a refund immediately! Second off...does the United States exist in the world of Final Fantasy VII? How can you reference “cowboys” AND “Texas” in your game without realizing the continuity errors that this results in? It also bears mentioning that the bartender, who is eventually revealed to be Tifa, dresses like a cowpoke which means she is secretly from Texas? How was someone able to name this bar “7th Heaven” if this is a world devoid of any of the Abrahamic religions? Oh GOD! I think I’m already experiencing my first Final Fantasy VII induced aneurysm! Someone call Sanjay Gupta, because I need help immediately!

    Oh but wait, it only gets worse! Barret’s a FUCKING FATHER! Not only that, but he’s a father that leaves his CHILD at this dive bar whilst he goes on to participate in ACTS OF TERROR! CONGRATULATIONS BARRET YOU ARE NOW MY NOMINEE FOR “FATHER OF THE YEAR!” At least the dire coincidences are done, right? NOPE! It turns out that the owner of the bar, that Barret uses to serve as his headquarters, is kayfabe run by your most trusted childhood friend. A childhood friend that Cloud coincidentally feels comfortable acting like a dick towards by the way!

    Well aren't you just a bundle of joy!
    Well aren't you just a bundle of joy!

    Part 10: Cloud is a Massive Asshole

    So all of the sudden Cloud decided to get his dark eyeliner and become a self-loathing prick towards everyone around him. Okay...do the writers for this game realize that he’s our protagonist? Wanting to get paid is one thing, but being outright defiant towards Barret in front of his own child is another. Depicting a listless vagabond is one thing, but neglecting one’s personal relationship without a canonical reason is another. Why is Cloud so desperate to leave Midgar? What is he honestly going to do? What are Cloud’s motivation for taking up this job to participate in this hackneyed terrorist group in the first place? WHY IS ANY OF THIS HAPPENING?! These are what I like to refer to as “essential questions” that any good writer must answer before they transition to a new plot element. As you might guess Final Fantasy VII either decides to take its sweet ass time to answer these question, or toss them to the wayside entirely. Until we get these very basic elements it is probably not the best idea to transition to an entirely novel plot thread, but the game does anyways. I know that I griped about this quite a bit during my blog series for Final Fantasy VIII, but this is the second goddamned Final Fantasy game that has delayed characterizing, and/or providing an origin story to, its protagonist within the first two to three hours. I mean SHIT! Barret’s lackeys received better and more consistent characterization than Cloud! I mean take Jessie as an example! You find out that she’s an owner of Final Fantasy VII’s version of “The Anarchist's Cookbook!”

    Again...these are our
    Again...these are our "heroes!"

    You know what, I get it. The writers here want to depict Cloud as being torn between two worlds, but the problem is that you don’t understand what he’s torn between. On one side you have his childhood friend practically begging him to stay and help her with on her fight against Shinra, and on the other side you have…nothing. See? You have no idea what Cloud’s perspective is in this character moment! This in turn negates the impact of the character moment entirely. Now I’m not asking that the story just regurgitate every important detail about Cloud’s origin right here, and now. In fact, for the most part Final Fantasy VII does a great job in creating a sense of mystery surrounding Cloud, which will eventually pay dividends. What I’m asking for here is an introduction to Cloud’s initial character arc. Is Cloud rejecting Tifa’s requests because he’s afraid to relive his past? Is Cloud looking for a McGuffin in or around Midgar? Why does Cloud continually insist on getting paid for his mission with Barret? Is Cloud currently dealing with a dire financial situation? Answering just a few of those questions would have accomplished a couple of tasks. Firstly, as I have already mentioned it would have provided Cloud with a much needed arc. Secondly, it would have avoided Cloud coming across as being a massive asshole. Just having him violently rebuke the requests of Tifa feels off-putting, and when the game has Cloud reconsider his status after requesting more money out of Barret (which is simultaneously revealed to be Barret’s college fund for HIS FUCKING CHILD), he comes across as an even larger asshole. What’s he going to use that money for? Bullshit “Healing” Materia?

    No seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you Cloud?
    No seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you Cloud?

    Part 11: Our First Flashback and Off to the Races

    And how did that go for you?
    And how did that go for you?

    Whilst all of this is happening the game decides that now would be a wonderful time to have a flashback. Here we witness a young Cloud purporting to be off to join the ranks of Shinra as part of his quest to live up to the legacy of his personal hero “Sephiroth.” Alright, so now seems like the time to come clean about something: I’m not going into Final Fantasy VII as “blind” as I would like. In this day and age it’s practically impossible not to know that Sephiroth is evil and Aeris is going to die. I mean for fuck’s sake what do you take me for? A horrible troll that has been living under a bridge? On top of that I had the unfortunate privilege of having watched all of Advent Children (which is a story for another entry). So what does that mean? I know more than I’d like about Final Fantasy VII, but not enough for that background knowledge to be especially helpful. Well...let’s go over my complete understanding of Final Fantasy VII beyond what I have played:

    1. Aeris dies
    2. Sephiroth is evil
    3. Cloud is sad
    4. Aeris dies
    5. Shinra is evil
    6. Jenova is an evil alien thing from the sky.
    7. Sephiroth carries Jenova’s disembodied head around with him.
    8. Aeris dies
    9. Jenova get parts of her flesh cut off from her face by Sephiroth and they sprout into horrible Eldritch Abominations.
    10. You fight Sephiroth a couple of times
    11. Aeris dies
    12. There is an Emerald and Ruby Weapon that are supposedly giant pains in the ass to beat.
    13. Advent Children is a bad movie.
    14. Aeris dies

    So that’s practically a textbook full of information that I have at my disposal that I didn’t have to my advantage when slopping my way through Final Fantasy VIII. All I can say is that I’m sorry if the sanctity of this feature has been breached. I’ll remember to cry a lonely tear if you want me to.

    Anyways, the scene here serves its purpose in establishing Cloud’s longstanding relationship with Tifa, and his hesitation to reference his past. Somehow this does something to Cloud, and all of the sudden he realizes the wrongs of his ways and is willing to drink Barret’s Flavor Aid! That’s just my way of saying that Cloud joins AVALANCHE by the way. After a good night’s rest and flirting with Tifa, it’s off to blow up another power reactor!

    Barret...how have you managed to lead a terrorist organization all this time?
    Barret...how have you managed to lead a terrorist organization all this time?

    WAIT WHAT! Why would any terrorist organization repeat their exact actions AGAIN only one day after their first act of terrorism? Wouldn’t repeating your actions within such a limited time frame increase your risk of falling into a trap two-fold? Wouldn’t your targets be placed under a higher level of security after your first attack? Shouldn’t the members of AVALANCHE be actively recruiting more members into their organization? Right now they are only a handful of people, and if Barret really thinks that such a rinky dink crew will be capable in taking down Shinra, then he needs to get his head checked out immediately. AND WHY DOES THE GAME THINK THAT IT IS OKAY TO LET BARRET’S CHILD BE THE BARTENDER OF 7TH HEAVEN! I MEAN JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS SHE...SIX!?!?

    SOMEONE CALL CHILD SERVICES RIGHT THIS INSTANT!
    SOMEONE CALL CHILD SERVICES RIGHT THIS INSTANT!

    Part 11: Oh God The Materia System

    For those of you that joined me during my Final Fantasy VIII blog series you’ll know that I was completely incompetent when it came to understanding any of its gameplay critical mechanics. So here we are in Final Fantasy VII, which has a far more straight-forward magic system via the Materia System. Well lo and behold I am completely incompetent when it comes to understanding how to use it. No really, I cannot even begin to list the number of times where I have lost track of which Materia was with whom, or even understanding how to make the most of the system. As it stands right now, I usually have Cloud equipped with Lightning paired with All and Tifa or Aeris equipped with Cure paired with All. When it comes to everyone else, or the other Materia...I don’t know. I usually fill up all of the slots and try to have every character equipped with at least one offensive magic skill. My three favorites are Poison, Fire, and Lightning. I have NO IDEA what the difference between “Heal,” and “Cure,” is, but I have both of those just in case. Oh and it doesn’t help that the elemental magic system here works NOTHING like the one seen in Pokemon.

    How is fire effective against water monsters? How does that make any sense?
    How is fire effective against water monsters? How does that make any sense?

    I usually have someone equipped with “Ice,” but it seems to me to be weaker when compared to Lightning. Additionally, I have “Recover,” but always manage to fuck up equipping it to the wrong person or party member to where I never have it at my disposal when I need it the most. Earth magic seems like a sham...but that could just be me. Then there are the “Ability” Materia which I constantly manage to bungle every time I attempt to use them. My record when using “Steal” is horrendous, and I still don’t entirely understand how “Enemy Skill” works.

    I mean...it’s not like this is going to be a recipe for disaster! OH WAIT YES IT IS!

    Wait! Sentient Save Point, PLEASE SAVE ME FROM MY SISYPHEAN NIGHTMARE!
    Wait! Sentient Save Point, PLEASE SAVE ME FROM MY SISYPHEAN NIGHTMARE!

    Part 12: How Has AVALANCHE Not Been Caught By Shinra Before?

    No really, answer that question for me! Half of their members wear easy to distinguish red bandannas on their heads, and use the mass transit system to get to their locations. How has Shinra not picked up on them before? Don’t they have cameras set up all throughout Midgar to track who is wearing the AVALANCHE uniform, or identify known members of their terrorist organization? Where are the wanted posters for Barret? Oh, and most of the time their leader wears a FUCKING GUN FOR A HAND! How has Barret not been arrested for that? I get that he swaps out the gun for a more practical prosthetic hand, but that means he carries the gun replacement with him at all times! How are the Shinra scanners missing THAT, but they don’t miss Tifa and Cloud carrying false ID cards?

    Don't insult Cloud's pixels! That's the way he was designed!
    Don't insult Cloud's pixels! That's the way he was designed!

    So predictably things go south when our motley crew of Cloud, Tifa, and Barret board the train. With the screen emblazoned once again with a timer you are tasked with navigating through the many carts of the train and escaping in an expeditious fashion. Jessie, Biggs, and Wedge on the other hand decide to take up disguises and infiltrate the Shinra Mako Reactor that way...WAIT A MINUTE WHY AREN’T WE DOING THAT! No really, we already have stormed the castle once before, so why don’t we try something more passive that minimizes the risk of total failure?

    Once you tumble onto the train tracks you discover that the guts of Midgar’s mass transit system is utterly populated with monsters that serve as the random encounters in this game. So wait, if the train tracks and tunnels are heavily populated by monsters then how does Shinra service the transit system? Additionally, how is it that the train carts aren’t constantly ramming into monsters? FUCKING WHY AM I EVEN QUESTIONING ANY OF THIS!

    Somehow there’s a way to navigate through these train tunnels to the exact reactor that we wish to obliterate. I guess it had a back entrance? A back entrance that Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie just happen to be at as well? I thought they were going to approach the base from a different direction but...WHATEVER LET’S JUST MOVE ON!

    Oh thanks for doing jack shit on this mission Biggs! I really appreciate it!
    Oh thanks for doing jack shit on this mission Biggs! I really appreciate it!

    Part 13: Fighting Your Way Through Stupidity

    Cloud experiences YET ANOTHER neurosis, but this one ominously depicts Tifa grieving over the corpse of her father. So what did the developers decide to grace the player with after this emotionally gripping scene? WHY A BULLSHIT BUTTON PRESSING PUZZLE GAME OF COURSE!

    How did we go from this...
    How did we go from this...
    ...to this in under thirty seconds?
    ...to this in under thirty seconds?

    Now this is what I’m talking about when I talk about Final Fantasy games having some of the worst storytelling juxtaposing that I have ever seen. We just saw Tifa crying over the dead body of her father, and now I’m pushing buttons! From there you fight your way to your location only to discover that indeed Shinra expected AVALANCHE all along. The Shinra President carries himself with a comical sense of bravado that conflicts even greater with the flashback from earlier.

    Now admittedly AVALANCHE did a piss poor job of covering their tracks after blowing their covering inside the train, but how did Shinra know that Barret planned on attacking this EXACT Mako Reactor? Is someone from AVALANCHE secretly a plant? Did the Shinra President read the script? Likewise, how the Hell did Shinra manage to get a helicopter all the way down to the bottom of the Mako Reactor? How did the pilot avoid crashing into the many pipes and electrical wires that populated the electrical plant?

    So I take it you are off to the set of James Cameron's latest film?
    So I take it you are off to the set of James Cameron's latest film?

    Because the last robot warrior worked out so well for Shinra at the previous reactor, they decided to throw another robot at Cloud and company instead of their elite soldiers! Oh and they didn’t decide to fix or address the elemental weakness that their robots have towards electricity magic, because that would make too much sense in a Final Fantasy game. In fact to be perfectly honest, I found this robot boss to be easier than the first. At least this boss didn’t have an annoying counter attack maneuver.

    When the evil robot boss is defeated it violently explodes leaving Cloud hanging precariously onto a ledge. Because Barret and Tifa cannot be fucked to jump over and help Cloud he falls ominously below to his assumed doom. This is despite the fact that you jump similarly distant lengths when traversing through the environments in Final Fantasy VII prior to this moment.

    We fucking had an entire DAY to talk to each other! Why didn’t you take advantage of that?
    We fucking had an entire DAY to talk to each other! Why didn’t you take advantage of that?

    Part 14: I Guess Cloud Isn't Dead Yet

    Hello darkness my old friend
    Hello darkness my old friend

    So Cloud is alive, and that doesn’t exactly make any sense. I mean Cloud falls from the top of one level of Midgar to the lowest level of Midgar. Even Final Fantasy can’t deny the existence of gravity. The only canonical things stopping his fall are the roof of a Church, and the flower bed that he ends up in. Whatever, this scene is operating on a level of anime logic that I don’t even want to bother decompressing. If I’m willing to tolerate this sort of anime logic in Naruto, then I’m willing to tolerate it in Final Fantasy VII.

    Now moving onto the story here’s a weird preference that I have developed while playing Final Fantasy VII. I basically love every scene between Cloud and Aeris, but I don’t want to have her be my romance option when the time comes for that. The scenes between Cloud and Aeris are the game’s best moments as they feature the game’s most tender and touching moments. That said, I find Aeris to be boring as a character, and completely useless in battle. Plus there’s ultimately an elephant in the room when it comes to forming an emotional connection to Aeris that has utterly spoiled me to the character.

    Oh I SOOOOOOOOO wanted to pick the second option, but I just couldn't
    Oh I SOOOOOOOOO wanted to pick the second option, but I just couldn't

    Their brief scene with each other at the church is nice, and that’s honestly the best word that I have to describe it. They both endeavor to learn a little about each other in an endearing, but non-insulting manner...unlike ANOTHER Final Fantasy game that I have played. Aeris’s playful teasing of Cloud, and his uncomfortable rebukes feel natural and heartwarming. The writing here also comes across as sincere and genuine. When Reno of the Turks appear I, as the player, feel supportive of Cloud’s desire to protect Aeris. No part of Cloud’s protection of Aeris came across as forced nor hackneyed, which is AGAIN different from a certain Final Fantasy game that I have played prior to this.

    But I still have plenty of problems with this set piece and how it unfolds. What doesn’t work is how you end up protecting Aeris!

    Part 15: I Hate Barrels!

    No Caption Provided

    Fuck this scene and whoever thought this was a good idea. First off, why are there random encounters on the banisters of the church? The random encounters here feel entirely out of place and break up the pace of the story in a terribly disorienting way. Secondly, why is Aeris hesitant to leap to her freedom on the church scaffolding at first, but the second time around she’s fine with it? Thirdly, the barrel puzzle is COMPLETE HORSESHIT! Not only are the positions of the barrels completely deceptive, but Final Fantasy VII arbitrarily insists that murdering the Shinra soldiers with these barrels is vastly superior to fighting them in combat. If the result is the same how is pushing barrels to defeat Shinra officers better than just having Cloud leap down to rescue Aeris directly?

    Where's the
    Where's the "SKIP" option?

    The spectacle of the scene at the church is fine, but much like a Christopher Nolan film, when you stop and think about it nothing makes sense. Despite having a direct line of sight on Cloud and Aeris; Reno and his company just give up trying to chase after Aeris once she reaches the roof. If Aeris is incredibly important to the Turks then why did Reno allow for the Shinra troops to fire their guns at Aeris which resulted in her falling down in the first place? Once I was done wracking my brain over these nitpicks I was treated to one of the most horrendous moments where the 3D sprites interact with the 2D backgrounds. I mean look at this:

    Why are you both relaxing on the roof of a dilapidated church whose roof has a giant gaping hole!
    Why are you both relaxing on the roof of a dilapidated church whose roof has a giant gaping hole!

    They look like they are floating on a different plane of existence. It’s as if they aren’t even touching the church roof! But just you wait...the worst 3D on 2D action is yet to come. Hey wait a minute! What’s a church canonically doing in the world of Final Fantasy VII? Who do the humans of Final Fantasy VII pray to, the Flying Spaghetti Monster? The dilapidated nature of the church seems to suggest that the humans here aren’t too keen on worshiping a deity daily, but why is there a church here in the first place?

    Part 16: Holy Shit! I Think a Final Fantasy Game is Making Me Feel Something

    Back to back you witness two absolutely stunning scenes between Aeris and Cloud. The first involves Aeris and Cloud leaping playfully along the rooftops in the slums of Midgar. Here Cloud extrapolates more information about being in SOLDIER (Final Fantasy VII’s obsession with capitalization is getting ridiculous), whereas Aeris shares her tale of being pursued by Shinra. This right here provides a perfect reason why Cloud and Aeris would work together as a team. The two of them have a shady history with Shinra, and thus have a reason to be united together. They aren’t just arbitrarily teamed up together because the writing needed them to, which AGAIN is a major improvement from a certain Final Fantasy game that I previously played. The flirtations are occasional and I found them to be properly awkward in a young adult puppy-love way.

    Oh hey, it's a scene where the playful teasing
    Oh hey, it's a scene where the playful teasing "works!"
    So honestly, when did Final Fantasy lose its character chemistry?
    So honestly, when did Final Fantasy lose its character chemistry?

    The humanity of Final Fantasy VII is without a doubt one of its greatest attributes. Better yet, this humanity remains relatively consistent across the main and secondary cast. For example, when you finally reach Aeris’s home her mother expresses a sense of exasperation after discovering that Aeris was once again pursued by Shinra. When Aeris’s mother implores Cloud to leave quickly, and without Aeris, you feel free her and understand where she is coming from. Now there are two nitpicks that slightly ruin my goodwill pertaining to this specific scene. First is how Aeris’s naivety results in her coming across as being younger than she actually is. That, and the manner in which Cloud constantly rebukes Aeris’s honest offerings to provide him with guidance and assistance comes across as sexist and contrary to his character:

    Are you honestly the same person that was on the rooftops?
    Are you honestly the same person that was on the rooftops?

    Prior to this Cloud expressed no issues with Tifa assisting him during the second botched attempt to blow up the reactor, so why is having a female character assisting him here such a big deal? Not only that but Cloud never once expressed a concern of his masculinity up until this point. Overall it canonically makes little sense, and given their earlier moments Cloud expressing a little more trust towards Aeris would have preferable. Another alternative solution could have involved Cloud simply expressing his desire and preference to travel alone. Having Cloud attack Aeris on her gender alone just seems entirely uncalled for, especially when you consider what they have just been through.

    Also this guy from the Sector 7 slums has everything figured out to a T:

    Fight the power!
    Fight the power!
    It's as if someone programmed my exact thoughts into Final Fantasy VII!
    It's as if someone programmed my exact thoughts into Final Fantasy VII!

    Part 17: Attack of the 2D Backgrounds

    THIS...FUCKING...PIPE!
    THIS...FUCKING...PIPE!

    This fucking screen. Fuck this environment. What a bunch of bullshit. I mean seriously what the fuck is this? That random pipe was something I was meant to walk up, and not under? Also why the fuck would you let me walk inside the excavator if that wasn’t a real pathway to get out of this wretched cesspit? THE SAME CAN BE SAID ABOUT THE OMINOUS ROBOT HAND IN THE GROUND!

    Even playing through this a second time around I found this screen to be a test of my patience, and my ability to think exactly like the developer of this environment. I’m not joking here, I honestly felt like I had to place myself into the shoes of the developer just to be able to understand how to traverse through it. Don’t believe me? Well here’s a screen with the “answer” on how you are meant to navigate through this abysmal wasteland:

    EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS BAD!
    EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS BAD!

    OH AND FOR SOME REASON YOU GET ATTACKED BY A SENTIENT EVIL TOY BOX OF DOOM IN THIS LOCATION!

    EVERYTHING IS FUCKED!
    EVERYTHING IS FUCKED!

    Part 18: The Build Up to Another Abomination

    Uh, what kind of playground is this?
    Uh, what kind of playground is this?

    So with that nightmare of a location behind us let’s talk about the build up related to the Wall Market. First you have another touching scene where Cloud and Aeris spend time at her childhood playground. You end up learning more about Aeris’s past. She reveals that she had a boyfriend before meeting Cloud, and overall it’s another touching moment that I have no majors complaints against. Then on cue a wagon that looks as if it came straight from a circus act is seen carrying Tifa. Sure, why not? I mean I could criticize this scene for being plot by convenience but there are bigger fish to fry than this one moment. Additionally, the story mostly justifies Tifa coming down to the Wall Market in the manner that she does later, but the key word here is “mostly.”

    If I owned a gun shop I'd called it
    If I owned a gun shop I'd called it "Machine Gun" as well

    Now before I eviscerate my distaste with what you actually do in the Wall Market let’s review what I liked about. As a location I think it works perfectly. It is a wonderfully colorful red light district with a number of colorful characters that populate it. The Wall Market was honestly one of the first set pieces in the game where I wanted to talk to all of the citizens in the location out of interest, rather than out of obligation. While certainly some of the characters are more “interesting” than others, and others are depicted with a 90's era sensibility, the sense of place and location is great here.

    So what’s my problem? Well...essentially everything that you do here is GROSS!

    Part 19: EVERYTHING ABOUT THE DON CORNEO MISSION IS THE WORST!

    Good sir, this is THE DEFINITION of a shit show!
    Good sir, this is THE DEFINITION of a shit show!

    Oh no...I REALLY don’t want to talk about this. Alright, so for those of you that have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s the premise for this mission. Tifa is currently at Don Corneo’s mansion, and it is heavily implied that she is “servicing” him. After hearing this bit of information from the proprietor of a brothel Cloud and Aeris scurry on over to Don Corneo’s mansion to unfortunately find out that Don Corneo will only allow Aeris, and not Cloud, to enter his mansion. The reasoning here is that Don Corneo “likes” girls, but has no interest in guys. Not trusting that Aeris is up for the challenge by herself Cloud insists that they think of a way to enter the mansion together. Aeris then announces that Cloud should crossdress in order to gain access to Don Corneo’s mansion, and that’s what the game goes with for the story.

    How about you share how you reached that conclusion?
    How about you share how you reached that conclusion?

    Yeah...that’s all real and I made up none of those sentences! Jesus...where do I even begin? First off...Cloud once again comes across as a sexist for automatically assuming that Aeris will not be able to get the job done. He is doubly sexist for automatically assuming that Tifa is in apparent danger at Don Corneo’s mansion. Then there’s Aeris’s solution for Cloud’s sexist induced conundrum...and I just can’t even. Well, let’s break out the tables and discuss how you “locate” all of the necessary clothing items to dress Cloud up with for this mission:

    Clothing Item

    Location

    Mission Parameters

    Silk Dress

    The Tailor’s Shop

    No Caption Provided

    No Caption Provided

    First you approach the female running the shop and request a dress. Unfortunately for you her father is the one responsible for tailoring female clothing, and right now he’s getting sloshed at the bar. You go up to him and convince him that creating women’s clothing for a man will provide him with a new sense of purpose to his life. I’m seriously not fucking joking about that. Making Cloud a dress convinces the patriarch of the tailor shop to give up drinking.

    Blonde Wig

    The Gym

    No Caption Provided

    No Caption Provided

    OH BOY! So...the tailor referenced how there were “people like you” at the gym when Aeris first proposed creating a dress for Cloud. Well he’s right, the gym is populated by Japan’s idea of what homosexuality is like from a 1990's perspective.


    Oh one last thing, check out the second image to the left. Those are the controls for completing the squatting mini-game in the gym. They involve you pressing the “INSERT,” “C,” and “X” keys in quick succession. Try doing that twenty or thirty times and get back to me if you think that’s any fun to do.

    Diamond Tiara

    Materia Store

    No Caption Provided

    No Caption Provided

    You talk to the Materia vendor who doesn’t want your conversation with him to be overheard by Aeris, BECAUSE WHY NOT ADD MORE SEXISM TO THIS MISSION! During this conversation he asks that you go to the inn and buy something from the vending machine there. In order to get the best item from the Materia Vendor you have to pony up 200 bones! Once you give the Materia vendor the “protein shakes” he ends up giving you a tiara. WAIT WHAT?! This sexist asshole gives you a female clothing accessory? WHY?!?!

    Sexy Cologne

    The Bar

    No Caption Provided

    No Caption Provided

    This one is just a chore to do. First you need to buy a dinner from the restaurant and not be a dick to the chef when he asks you how it was. The chef gives you a coupon which you exchange for a medical supply item of your choice. You should pick the “digestive” as you are meant to give this item to the lady yacking in the bar’s toilet. As a token of her appreciation she gives you sexy cologne.

    The you go to the the Honey Bee Inn, and that’s worth of an essay in and of itself! Let’s not bullshit here. The Honey Bee Inn is a brothel. It’s a place where you get adult things performed onto you, but the adult ladies here are dressed up in bee costumes. Oh and by the way the reason why you enter this location is so is that you can pick up a pair of panties, and get dolled up by the Honey Bees with make up. To deem this sequence as being “problematic,” would be an understatement. Well first off you have to enter the Honey Bee’s dressing room in order to get the makeup applied to your face. Might I add that the “entertainers” of the inn do not consent to this, and even worse appear to be used to the idea of customers waltzing into their dressing room. Secondly, if you choose to explore the rooms that are already occupied in the Honey Bee Inn some freaky shit happens. The first occupied room that you can “peep” in on depicts an elder couple sharing their thanks that their grandson was able to get them a “reservation” at the Honey Bee Inn…well okay then!

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE!
    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE!

    The second occupied room reveals that the current President of Shinra is either a Satanist, and I question how the concept of Satan exists in the context of this game, OR a hardcore masochist. I’m not sure, and to be honest I DON’T WANT TO KNOW! Here are some screencaps so you all don’t think that I am making this shit up!

    Uh WHAT?!
    Uh WHAT?!
    I WOULD TOO!
    I WOULD TOO!
    OH GAAAAAAAAAAAAWD WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?
    OH GAAAAAAAAAAAAWD WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?
    I REGRET EVERYTHING! WHY DID I PEEP IN ON THIS ROOM? WHY DID I PEEP INTO ANY OF THESE ROOMS?
    I REGRET EVERYTHING! WHY DID I PEEP IN ON THIS ROOM? WHY DID I PEEP INTO ANY OF THESE ROOMS?

    Oh hey, did I mention that the room that I decided to occupy was called what I assume to be the “FUCK ROOM?” Because that’s the room that I went with.

    Look me in the eyes n tell me that this ISN'T called
    Look me in the eyes n tell me that this ISN'T called "The FUCK ROOM"

    Here Cloud experiences a neurosis and collapses before anything “fun” can start. He wakes up to a man slapping him in the face and/or performing a message. This masseur’s mannerisms and way of speaking heavily imply that he is homosexual, and LOOK I JUST DON’T KNOW ANYMORE! CAN THIS SCENE JUST BE DONE WITH ALREADY?!?!

    I just want all of this to be over with!
    I just want all of this to be over with!

    Apparently the other room involves Cloud being forced to occupy a hot-tub with a myriad of heavily implied homosexual men against his consent, because that sounds funny, right? RIGHT????

    They're staring into my soul only to discover that it is an abyss of nothingness
    They're staring into my soul only to discover that it is an abyss of nothingness

    Part 20: BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!

    So Cloud is all dressed up for his big “moment” with Don Corneo, and I just feel like throwing up after having typed that. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MISSION MAKES ME FEEL GROSS INSIDE! The only reason why I had to subject myself to this trial of my patience is because Cloud didn’t think Aeris could rescue Tifa alone, and to another extent didn’t think that Tifa would be able to fend off Don Corneo by herself. We have gone through a countless number of random encounters Cloud, and this is how much you trust your fellow party members? Man, fuck the conceit behind why this sequence exists in the first place!

    You go into Don Corneo’s mansion and for some reason no one is able to notice Cloud’s Adam’s Apple, or other male physical traits. To make matters worse when you locate Tifa you find her in Don Corneo’s torture dungeon. I’m honestly not making that last line up. Don Corneo has an honest to goodness torture dungeon in his palace.

    Isn't this supposed to be a video game about discovering your identity while fighting an apocalyptic alien monster?
    Isn't this supposed to be a video game about discovering your identity while fighting an apocalyptic alien monster?

    My God...the way that Don Corneo animates and talks is just...the worst thing. It’s just bad, and it isn’t funny in the least. Of course he picks Cloud because I went through the extra effort to acquire all of the items necessary to complete this mission, and it’s almost over...this abomination of a scene is almost over.

    PBTPBTPBTPBTPBTPBTPBT-PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF...
    PBTPBTPBTPBTPBTPBTPBT-PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF...

    When you reveal your ruse to Don Corneo you are subjected to even more awkwardness. Cloud, Aeris, and Tifa threaten to cut off, rip off, and smash Don Corneo’s dick respectively.

    Don't you just find genital mutilation absolutely hilarious?
    Don't you just find genital mutilation absolutely hilarious?

    Eventually Don Corneo spills the beans on Shinra's plans to completely obliterate the Sector 7 Slums. Which SHOULD be a big emotional reveal, but because this is Don Corneo we are talking about it instead ends with Don Corneo springing a trap door on Cloud and company,. I can only assume that someone at Square watched too many episodes of Loony Tunes whilst writing this scene. We are talking about an act of genocide, and the just scene ends as if Chuck Jones was directing it.

    It also turns out that this game can read me like a book.
    It also turns out that this game can read me like a book.

    Part 21: I Think The Story is Trying to Get Serious, But So Far It’s Just Wasting My Time

    Look I'm serious I'll call my contacts at Weyland-Yutani! They could really use someone like you!
    Look I'm serious I'll call my contacts at Weyland-Yutani! They could really use someone like you!

    So everyone that Tifa and Barret know and love are about to die as a result of Shinra’s evil schemes. With the demise of the Sector 7 Slums nigh Cloud and company need to beat a hasty retreat from the sewers that they have been dumped in, BUT WAIT IT’S TIME FOR AN UNNECESSARY BOSS BATTLE!

    No Caption Provided

    This fucker isn’t hard, but he’s also not directly related to Corneo OR Shinra, and as a result feels entirely unnecessary! Honestly why is this boss battle here? The game has been trying to convince me that time is of the essence as Shinra’s plans to destroy the entirety of the Sector 7 slums draws near. Instead the game decides to subject me to some mindless nonsense.

    To add further insult to injury you are forced to explore and navigate the sewers you were dropped into. Eventually you come across the “Steal” Materia which will be a continual bane to my existence. Eventually you come across a ladder which leads to a train graveyard, which is YET ANOTHER exercise of your ability to discern how to navigate a 2D backdrop with a 3D polygon sprite. Openings that look like doors just happen to be debris; things that appear to be broken wooden pallets just happen to be ladders; and then there are the dead ends...there are SO MANY dead ends on this level.

    It took me FOREVER to realize that this was a ladder
    It took me FOREVER to realize that this was a ladder

    The fact that there are random encounters during this sequence just compounded my frustration with it. As I horrifyingly discovered that an entryway that I had surreptitiously explored was a dead end the game would immediately pounce me with a random encounter. These random encounters were not hard per say, they just occurred at a quicker succession than what they needed to.

    After traversing through this hellish maze you encounter a train based environmental “puzzle,” but I hesitate to call it that. The second part of the Train Graveyard forces the player to pilot certain trains in order to knock away debris or create walking paths that didn’t exist before. Now how Cloud knows how to operate a fully functioning train, or why fully functioning trains occupy the FUCKING “TRAIN GRAVEYARD,” is a wonderful question to ask someone who actually cares. In fact, I think I know someone who can answer that! Their email is: idontgiveashit@comcast.net. Once you finally navigate through the last part of the train graveyard the filler is over and the story can go back to being palatable and interesting.

    Part 22: Oh Hey It’s Time For The Story to Get Serious Again

    WELL AT LEAST SOMEONE FINALLY CAME CLEAN ABOUT THE TRUTH!
    WELL AT LEAST SOMEONE FINALLY CAME CLEAN ABOUT THE TRUTH!

    Admittedly, when Final Fantasy VII’s story actually gets into high gear it is a marvel to see. The moment you re-enter the Sector 7 slums you witness Wedge falling to his death; Biggs slumped over a guardrail having been shot to shit; then finally Jessie slowly succumbing to her wounds. As tragic as most people may find this I cannot help but look at this from a writing perspective. This is a fantastic moment where the story hammers home that the “point of no return” is here, and the fates of our motley crew will be forever changed. Many of you mocked me during my Final Fantasy VIII blog series when I initially tried, and failed horribly, to scaffold the events from that game to Campbell’s “Hero of a Thousand Faces,” story schema. It was an ultimately fruitless affair for Final Fantasy VIII, but now that I look at it it’s entirely appropriate for Final Fantasy VII. This right here is clearly “The Call to Adventure,” wherein a villain gives purpose and meaning to a troupe of characters that motivates them to avenge a terrible loss. This adventure starts after their “Ordinary World” is shattered before their eyes, and that is very literally about to happen to the Sector 7 Slums. This is the sort of clean and straightforward storytelling that I asked for during my Final Fantasy VIII blog series...now let’s just wait to see how long it takes for Final Fantasy VII to fuck all of this goodwill up.

    However I digress, you ferret your party to the top of the plate in order to witness Barret aimlessly shooting at Reno. Reno is then able to prime and arm the explosives that have been programmed to destroy the slums. BARRET YOU HAD ONE JOB AND YOU FUCKED IT UP! I understand that blowing up the slums is very honestly a necessary evil for the story, but would it have hurt to do a better job at justifying Reno being able to prime the explosives? Having him magically avoid every single one of Barret’s bullets makes Barret look weak, and Reno capable of Looney Tunes inspired magic. This also highlights yet another example of narrative dissonance in Final Fantasy VII. During certain parts of the game Barret’s gun arm is critical towards progressing the story, and other times it is completely worthless. In this case Barret’s failure seems entirely unwarranted given how Reno was practically right in front of him! I MEAN HOW DO YOU MISS THIS SHOT?!

    I have only shot a gun twice in my entire life, and I feel confident in saying that I could have shot Reno from that distance
    I have only shot a gun twice in my entire life, and I feel confident in saying that I could have shot Reno from that distance

    Now for those of you that remember my live-stream you may recall that I managed to lose this boss encounter with Reno as a result of not knowing what his “Pyramid” attack was all about. That did not happen this time around, and to be honest once I got that down this boss encounter was more of a visual set piece than a trial in difficulty. Once you off Reno it is revealed by Tseng, the supposed boss of the Turks, that whilst our party was busy dealing with Reno, Tseng managed to kidnap Aeris. Now I know what you are thinking, “Zombie you just spent five paragraphs detailing the misogyny of the Wall Market, so why aren’t you decrying Aeris becoming a damsel in distress?” Well, as they say “the devil is in the details.” There is a story justification for Aeris getting captured that I’ll discuss in a little bit, and personally I feel that it fits with her character for the most part.

    More importantly, how did you manage to get that helicopter to here without crashing into something?
    More importantly, how did you manage to get that helicopter to here without crashing into something?

    Barret assists you in beating a hasty retreat, which in theory is meant to be a tragic event as you watch the Sector 7 Slums become a smoldering ruin. In practice the grandiose nature of the event results in an emotional response that was contrary to the intent. Barret is understandably upset given that he believes that his daughter has died as a result of the destruction. Tifa just watched in horror as everyone she knew and loved from the slums has died. Cloud bears a sense of responsibility for Aeris’s kidnapping. It’s simple workmanlike storytelling that I can understand and respect. Everyone in Cloud’s party, including himself, has a new-found meaning for being on this journey. They all have an ax to grind with Shinra that extends beyond an arbitrary sense of progressing the story for the sake of it, AND THANK GOD FOR THAT! Furthermore, Final Fantasy VII has itself a clear initial antagonist that has committed an act of genocide thus making it irredeemable. Having the President of Shinra peer over the chaos whilst listening to classical music was a low hanging fruit, but it worked to set up the company President as a clear and present danger to the world of Final Fantasy VII. Everyone came out of this scene for the betterment of the story. My sanity included!

    I get that you're the President of Shinra, but trust me, you would be the perfect fit for Weyland-Yutani's open COO position!
    I get that you're the President of Shinra, but trust me, you would be the perfect fit for Weyland-Yutani's open COO position!

    Part 23: An Exposition to End All Expositions

    Look now, I bought you that new gun-arm upgrade. So it's all on you for missing your shot Barret!
    Look now, I bought you that new gun-arm upgrade. So it's all on you for missing your shot Barret!

    After navigating the nightmare maze again, ensemble dark-horse makes their way back to Aeris’s home. There Aeris’s mother hits us hard and deep with more exposition than we can shake a stick at. First and foremost I want to say that overall I found this scene to be great. That said, the few bits and pieces of this scene that did annoy me, annoyed me significantly. Firstly, we discover that Aeris is an “Ancient” that Shinra has been attempting to “capture” for quite some time. Now this is problematic for a number of reasons. The big one involves the fact that Shinra located Aeris at an incredibly young age, and yet they did nothing to obtain her for ten to fifteen years. Aren’t the Turks known for their ability to kidnap people? How is it that Aeris just happens to be the one person that they are consistently incapable of capturing? The next issue that I have stems from the fact that Aeris lives at her adopted mother’s house which is a stationary location. How does Shinra not know where she’s hiding if she only has one home? Fuck man, if I was running Shinra I’d just knock on the door every day asking if she wanted to join Shinra. Eventually she would get so annoyed she’d finally just snap and say “yes.” In fact why doesn’t Shirna just break into her home and kidnap her while she is sleeping? I get that they don’t want to harm her, but shouldn’t the Turks be experts at committing a non-violent kidnapping? Did the Turks lose their ability to kidnap people for the one person that mattered the most?

    Then why didn't they kidnap her while she was sleeping?
    Then why didn't they kidnap her while she was sleeping?

    My next “issue,” or to be perfectly honest “nitpick,” comes from how Shinra’s Turks managed to capture Aeris this time around. Whilst Aeris was escorting Marlene to her home they were both intercepted by the Turks. When this happened Aeris cut a deal with the Turks to allow her to safely transport Marlene at the cost of willingly surrendering herself to them. As I suggested earlier this fits Aeris’s willingness and desire to help everyone she sees. It also builds up her character trait of having this unflinching desire to sacrifice her well being for the well being of those around her. My problem is this, why didn’t the Turks attempt to accomplish this, but with Aeris’s adopted mother, or someone else close to her? Why wait until now to exploit Aeris’s kindness and naivety? Why didn’t the Turks just catch Aeris while she was buying her groceries? Remember when Aeris was spending time growing flowers at the church? How is it that the Turks didn’t pounce on an earlier moment of vulnerability whilst Aeris was praying or gardening at the church? Well at least the Turks appear to be great at blowing shit up.

    I honestly have nothing bad to say about this scene, but rest assured that it pains me eternally to say that.
    I honestly have nothing bad to say about this scene, but rest assured that it pains me eternally to say that.

    Alright, so with those two nitpicks behind us let’s talk about how amazing this scene is. Practically every emotional note that the writing attempted to hit was hit with laser guided precision. Elmyra, Aeris’s adopted mother, starts out with a sense of resignation and failure, and you entirely understand where that is coming from. Then as she spins her tale of how Aeris entered her life, and enriched it for the better, the game subjects you to one of its most sincere and tender moments thus far. From watching Aeris’s dying mother pass her daughter to Elmyra, to Elmyra grieving over the death of her husband, and finally to Aeris refusing to join the ranks of Shinra. Practically everything about the scene feels...human. I understand that this sounds “weird,” but that’s a compliment that I am surprised to say of a Final Fantasy game. It also goes without saying that Aeris’s theme music is a masterpiece that perfectly fits this scene. As it crescendos upward the player is usually subjected to an emotional plot beat. Again, this is all masterful storytelling where all of the elements of Final Fantasy VII work together in perfect harmony proving that it is possible.

    Then there’s Barret, whose gentler side shines through in a later scene. His quest to keep the planet alive is finally revealed to not just be a vain attempt to bring himself glory, but mostly as part of his commitment to ensure a safe future for his daughter. As I mentioned with the destruction of the Sector 7 Slums, practically everyone gains something from this scene. Most of the characters leave Aeris’s home with a something to fight for, or at least something to hope for. This empowers the viewer to root for and feel committed to their avatars as it makes it easier to relate to their hardships and tribulations. And thank goodness Barret had the common decency to leave Marlene with Elmyra, instead of leaving her at a FUCKING DIVE BAR!

    I just wish that Barret was a better
    I just wish that Barret was a better "character."

    I also feel like this scene serves another purpose, and that is to remind the player that Final Fantasy VII’s surprises are well worth the patience to witness and see through until the end. The shitty side quests, bizarre plot beats, and occasionally horrendous backgrounds have a tendency to cause someone like myself to overlook what this game is really capable of doing. That is to say that this game is very capable of telling an incredibly emotionally charged and fulfilling story. To be honest that’s what I signed up for. That and maybe toss in a few unintentional laughs and plenty of grousing along the way, and you have a recipe for success in my books.

    Well I’m glad that I got all of that positivity out of the way, because the next set piece in Final Fantasy VII features one of the most rage inducing environments I have ever subjected myself to in my personal video game playing history.

    Part 24: The Plate Section

    YOU LIE!
    YOU LIE!

    This fucking level...what in the literal fuck were the developers thinking when they created this goddamned level? I mean honestly...just fucking look at this screen-cap and tell me with a straight face that this was ever okay:

    Oh GOD what am I even looking at?
    Oh GOD what am I even looking at?

    The fact that Cloud’s polygonal sprite oftentimes appears as if it is floating in the air, does not help the problem as well. Worse yet is how you can completely submerge your sprite within the background and get stuck in it. In fact let’s turn this into a game! See if you can correctly guess where I accidentally got my sprite stuck into:

    This is just fucked!
    This is just fucked!

    If you guessed that I was stuck underneath the airplane propeller, then congratulations your are correct! I award you no points, and my God have mercy on your soul.

    Let’s start off by deconstructing the conceit behind why this platforming bit exists. Determined to exact their revenge on Shinra our ensemble decides to climb up a pole which leads directly to the Shinra Headquarters. Alright so...that’s weird. Given that Barret and Tifa knew this information prior to their current situation why did they wait until now to take advantage of this major security vulnerability? Why didn’t Barret lead the forces of AVALANCHE against Shinra by climbing up this very pole and storming the Shinra HQ? Why sabotage the reactors one by one when you could possibly sabotage the HQ and cause the entire energy grid to go kaput? Why place the lives of innocent civilians at risk by blowing up the Mako Reactors, and instead just bring the “fight” directly to Shinra?

    Now Shinra isn’t getting out of my books Scot-free either! Here you have a company whose management is so laughably evil that it puts James Cameron to shame. The men and women leading Shinra aren’t morons, but that means that they are woefully ignorant of the fact that their main building has a major security flaw. A security flaw that they apparently just ignore without question. They have the resources and know how to obliterate an entire community, but they are completely unwilling to protect their own well being. Seriously, what’s up with that?

    It's almost as if someone shat on their computer screen and decided to turn that into a level
    It's almost as if someone shat on their computer screen and decided to turn that into a level

    Now the story based nitpicks aside this is honestly one of the worst parts in Final Fantasy VII. It’s never entirely clear what you can and cannot interact with in the foreground as well as the background. Sometimes the ruined train tracks function as floors, and other times they function as ladders. This means that the parameters for navigating the screens are wildly inconsistent. Worse yet is when you have benign items and objects that appear as if you cannot traverse through them, but lo and behold you can. Take for example this train signal in the above screen! Did you know that the game expected you to see that and know that it was your pathway to the next screen?

    How is that train signal even supporting Cloud's body weight, let alone the weight of his party?
    How is that train signal even supporting Cloud's body weight, let alone the weight of his party?

    Plus, did I mention that Cloud appears as if he is comically floating on a different plane of existence?

    And it was at this point that I couldn't stop laughing manically.
    And it was at this point that I couldn't stop laughing manically.

    However, this is all child’s play when you come across the jumping puzzle, and in the words of Jim Ross: GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY!

    Easier said than done, you jack-ass!
    Easier said than done, you jack-ass!

    I missed this fucking jump over a dozen times. Yes, I know that there is a slight audio cue to provide you with some direction as to when you should jump. Yes, Cloud indeed indicates after you fail to grab onto the cable if you were too early, or too late. Neither of those helped, and this part of the game is utter bull-crap. This level is trash, but at least there aren’t any random encounter here. If there had been, then this level would have been utterly soul crushing.

    Part 25: Embrace the Stupidity

    Wait, what, why? Also, how do you know that?
    Wait, what, why? Also, how do you know that?

    Eventually our intrepid explorers waltz up to the doors of the Shinra building, and for some reason are not immediately accosted by Shinra’s entire army. For reasons that are not entirely clear the game wants you to believe that Shinra has the ability to scan and spy on the citizens of Midgar via the train ID card scanners, but doesn’t have any form of front door security at their own goddamned headquarters. Either way you are presented with two choices:

    1. Sneaking through the Shinra building and avoiding combat.
    2. Storming the front door with guns blazing.

    Personally option one sounded painful, so as a result I went with option two. To be honest at this point I stopped trying to demand or request narrative realism and just embraced Final Fantasy VII’s lunacy. I guess you could say that the game has already “broken” me.

    Where the fuck is Shinra’s security? Currently the game wants me to believe that this monolithic and ever present utility company somehow has its tentacles spread across every facet of life in the world of Final Fantasy VII. Nonetheless, when it comes to its own self preservation the company sucks shit through a lead pipe labeled “shit delivery system.” With only a few pointless random encounters to boot you are able to waltz through the first couple of floors of the Shinra building with little resistance. After subjecting yourself to this poppycock your party locates an elevator where the game has Cloud mutter his single worst line yet:

    I honestly don't understand how you are the same character.
    I honestly don't understand how you are the same character.

    Part 26: OH GODDAMN IT ALL! MORE ENVIRONMENTAL PUZZLES?!?!

    In any case the elevator somehow goes on the fritz and stops at a myriad of randomly selected floors which usually result in you experiencing a random encounter. Once you do manage to make it to the top you are subjected to a number of environmental puzzles that I found to be of varying degrees of painfulness. In fact...let’s rank them all!

    Floor Level

    Conceit

    How Painful Was It?

    59

    No Caption Provided

    Beat the two guards that are found on this level, steal their elevator cards, and head on up to floor 60.

    This level is benign enough as it is. This floor essentially exists to introduce players to the concept of gaining security clearance in order to progress to the next level of the Shinra building. All in all I found it to be entirely inoffensive.


    Pain Level: 0 - No pain

    60

    No Caption Provided

    There are two guards that will prevent you from moving straight forward. As a result, players are then forced to travel to the doorway off to the left side of the screen and enter a small room. Barret will tell you that you have to sneak past the guards in order to get by. You accomplish this by navigating your way through a series of conveniently placed busts that obscure the vision of the guards. If Cloud, or his compatriots, are ever caught by the guards you are required to start from the very beginning. There are also two stages to this puzzle.

    Fuck whoever made this level and the high horse they rode in on. Firstly, the point about getting caught even once sending you to the very beginning is a real pain. I misjudged ONE guard at the very last part, and was forced to start from scratch. What compounds the pain levels here even further is how you are required to navigate through the busts not once, but three times. That’s just uncalled for Final Fantasy VII!


    Pain Level: 7 - Severe pain that disables me from performing my daily activities.

    61

    No Caption Provided
    No Caption Provided

    You need to approach a random Shinra employee and avoid blowing your cover to them. Because Shinra is operated by a bunch of dip shits the bozo ends up giving the card required to access the floor above.


    There’s also a Shinra employee who provides a tutorial on how the Shinra floor system works.

    Why the fuck is the tutorial on how traverse the Shinra building on FLOOR 61! Wouldn’t it have been a better idea to place the tutorial on, oh I don’t know, the first floor of the Shinra building?


    Anyways the only “painful” aspect of this level is having to locate the ONE PERSON that essentially has the keys to the city, and that was annoying, but luckily not excruciating.


    Pain Level: 1 - Mild pain that nags me while I attempt to perform my daily life activities.

    62

    No Caption Provided
    No Caption Provided

    You discover that this floor is populated by the city records of Midgar, and Shinra’s corporate activities. Here you encounter a librarian that apparently is the “mayor” of Midgar. He has a password, and by examining the books in his library you’ll discover his password. There is no fail state, BUT if you are able to guess the password right on the first try you will also receive a ‘special item.’

    WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT THIS MINI-GAME IS! First off you have no idea what you are looking for, or how to reach the correct password. Desperate for answers I ended up violating my rules for this feature, and looked up the answers on a guide. That said, the parameters for discovering the answer to this puzzle is complete horseshit!


    Firstly you need to discover the book that is out of place in each section of the library. This means you are FORCED to painstakingly peruse every section of the library looking for a book that doesn’t belong. Next, once you do discover the book that doesn’t belong you need to examine the number on the book and match that with the corresponding letter on its title. For example, with “10 New plans for urban planning,” you would want to take the 10th letter from the left which in this case would be the letter “O”. Then you need to do that for every single room.


    Fuck that! I did this for one room and then looked up the answers from there.


    Pain Level: 10 - I am in excruciating pain and this game is preventing my body from performing its daily functions such as breathing and blinking. In fact...I THINK THIS MINIGAME GAVE ME RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS!

    63

    No Caption Provided

    The puzzle on this floor appears to be completely optional, that said I still attempted it. When you approach a computer terminal it gives you permission to open a maximum of three doors. The level here is littered with locked doors. Distressingly enough, the level is also populated with three luxurious items that will greatly aid you in your journey. In fact, one of those items is a free “All” Materia.

    Once again, because I felt so burned on the previous level I just looked up the answers for this puzzle. The three items here are fairly useful, and I didn’t want to miss out on them on account of my own personal stupidity. It is possible to solve on your own, but I simply do not have any patience for this nonsense.


    Real quick, but what is the purpose of this floor? Why are there so many pointless doors impeding anyone’s progress here? Is this some sort of test for Shinra employees to see if they have the mental fortitude of a mole-rat? Why is there a machine that exchanges coupons for items?


    Pain Level: 3 - Mild pain. It’s not great, but it isn’t terrible...it’s just okay.

    64

    No Caption Provided

    This level is the Shinra staff room and allows you to heal up in the lounge, as well as save your progress. There are also a few items worth picking up as well.

    THANK GOD THAT THIS FLOOR EXISTS! While you are not forced to stomach through a ton of random encounters or battles at the Shinra building having a “safe” floor is a massive relief here, and an even bigger one down the road.


    Pain Level: -15 - NEGATIVE PAIN - MY RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS FROM EARLIER IS GONE! THANK THE BABY JESUS!

    65

    No Caption Provided

    IT’S TIME FOR ANOTHER FUCKING GODDAMNED TEDIOUS AS FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK PUZZLE! Strewn across this level are a smattering of golden treasure chests. However, of these chests only one will open at a time. After locating the chest that is openable the player discovers that the chests are filled with the missing pieces to a model of Midgar. The player then has to place them into the model in the center of the room. Once all of the pieces have been placed on the model of Midgar they obtain the key-card for floor 65.

    If the main conceit of this puzzle is to aimlessly wander about and by chance locate the correct boxes...then I’ll just make wet fart noises with my mouth.


    I don’t find this to be debilitating, but I certainly don’t find this to be compelling content either. Why are any of these puzzles here in the first place? If your response is “to create a sense of diversity in the game,” then fine I’ll concede that, but do asinine puzzles like these really immerse you into the world of Final Fantasy VII? In my opinion these puzzles did more to rip me away from the powerful scenes than anything else. That’s largely on account of how pointless they feel. Time and time again your ultimate reward for solving these puzzles are a handful of items that add nothing to the story. So honestly why put these here? Summarily if you are going to insert puzzles into your game have the goddamned common decency to at least have a puzzle game designer on your team...I MEAN JESUS!

    Pain Level: 10 - Severe Pain, AND MY RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS IS BACK! I'M SUING SQUARE ENIX FOR THIS GAME!

    Part 27: AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

    Well you are in luck Barret! I just so happen to know this tailor that you would get along well with....
    Well you are in luck Barret! I just so happen to know this tailor that you would get along well with....

    So after a bit of a shit-show Final Fantasy VII decided to get interesting again! It’s almost as if the game just knows when its audience might begin to lose interest in it. In this case your party makes its triumphant journey to the Shinra HQ conference room. To ensure that this is possible they sneak into a bathroom that allows them to climb up an air vent. This air vent provides them with the opportunity to spy on the Shinra board of directors...wait what? Yes I know that I would normally be one to riff how nonsensical this situation is. However, that would be a nitpick for the sake of nitpicking. I only really like nitpicking when a scene or entire game feels like it is rotten to its core, or in the case of Final Fantasy VIII, is a complete and total train-wreck.

    Meanwhile, as your party stealthily navigates its way through the air ducts of the Shinra building they are able to snoop on Shinra’s president extolling the company’s future endeavors to his entourage. Much of the exposition, such as the once mentioned “Neo-Midgar plan,” is left to the audience to piece together themselves...until the game decides to spell everything out to the audience in the very next scene. The decision to do this is “curious,” to say the least. Preferably when introducing a new term or story element the player has to “earn” the next plot beat. Instead of doing that Final fantasy VII decides to unfold ANOTHER exposition scene that completely reveals the villain’s poker deck. I call it a “curious” decision because ultimately it is still an interesting plot element, but one that I simply feel could have been told via better means. Sure, some of the Shinra board members are a bit too stereotypically evil, but they serve their purpose and you understand their motivations, which might I add was something that I was desperately asking for in Final Fantasy VIII. Hojo is an evil scientist dead set on fulfilling his egomaniacal drive to make new discoveries in the name of science, and the President of Shinra is a greedy bastard. It’s simple and straightforward, but I’ll take it over Final Fantasy VIII’s space witches any day.

    Admittedly,
    Admittedly, "simple" has its own fair share of issues as well.

    Through all of this we discover that there is a long fabled “promised land.” Hojo’s posturings and speech reveal that he has Aeris caged up with another one of his “specimens.” Don’t you love it when everyone important to the plot gets together at the same place and helps to progress the story in a convenient manner? Oh hey, isn’t it just “perfect” that Cloud just happens to be spying on Shinra as it has an important board meeting where they discuss their entire evil scheme? You end up just following Hojo to his science lab, and at this point the game has completely forgotten all about the bullshit keycard system. Instead of having to acquire a new keycard, you are able to just follow him up to the next level without any issue. Okay...well that’s a bit fucked. The game spent all of this time justifying me interacting with these bullshit puzzles, and all of the sudden it doesn’t matter anymore.

    No Caption Provided

    Oh and why the fuck is there a science lab in the Shinra Headquarters? Shouldn’t all of the important arms of Shinra be located in different parts of the world? If you were the President of the most hated and despised company in the world wouldn’t you place your highly dangerous science research and development branch in a safe, but isolated location? I mean if you KNOW for a fact that there are terrorist groups that want to attack you, doesn’t having all of your important company divisions in one location seem like the worst idea ever? I sure think so, and I barely graduated from high school! When you consider the fact that Cloud, Barret, and Tifa were able to just waltz right into the building without any difficulty Shinra's incompetence seems even less palatable. Speaking of Barret...why the fuck hasn’t he ever organized a concerted attack against the Shinra Building? I get that you want to bring down the power grid, but everything that runs the actual corporation that he is trying to fruitlessly bring down is located in one building...which also features a criminally low level of security. Did Barret forget to go to terrorist college?

    Part 28: I Got a Doggy and...OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!

    Well said Barret, well said.
    Well said Barret, well said.

    So Cloud and company just waltz into Hojo’s lab...and none of the people in the lab show any resistance to you or your party being there, and I am totally okay with that. Do you want to know why? Because that means I don’t have to deal with any random encounters on this level! Once you make your way to the science lab’s storage facility Final Fantasy VII decides that it wants to become a body horror game by suddenly showing you a naked decapitated corpse. Why? Because the writers wanted to.

    UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
    UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    I uh...huh. That happened, and I’m not sure what to make of it. Whatever “Jenova” is it appears to have a third eye on its nipple. Cloud’s reaction when encountering Jenova seems to suggest that it is a terribly powerful thing...that Hojo just seems to have locked away in a corner of his lab. A lab where he also currently appears to be fucking around with talking dogs and Aeris. Really game? If Jenova really is the evil malevolent being that the game eventually wants me to believe, then why is it not being actively experimented on by Hojo? Why does Hojo not give a fuck about Jenova until Sephiroth shows up again? If Hojo is later seen extolling how Jenova is the source of unfathomable power then why did he have it locked away in a corner while he comically pitted Red XIII against Aeris?

    But we are getting ahead of ourselves now aren’t we? We waltz into Hojo’s test chamber only to discover Aeris is being held in an electrical field with a tiger/lion monster that can somehow talk. You know what? I have seen crazier things in Final Fantasy VII than a talking tiger monster at this point. Somehow Barret’s machine gun hand is no longer worthless and him shooting at the force field frees everyone inside of it...so why were his bullets worthless against the various Shinra helicopters from the earlier scenes? It’s because the plot asked for it. Whatever, the tiger monster betrays Hojo by pouncing on his throat and asks to join your party. Luckily for us, Cloud has no issues with bloodthirsty monsters that can talk from joining his party, but does have an issue when it comes to being helped by girls. Red XIII is an interesting addition to the team and comes to you with the ability to cast fire magic on all enemies by default, so he seems kind of awesome.

    Also, the body horror didn't stop and you ended up fighting whatever the fuck this was.
    Also, the body horror didn't stop and you ended up fighting whatever the fuck this was.

    Then for reasons that I am still not entirely clear on the party decides to split up for the sake of transporting Aeris to safety. I get that you can only have three party members at a time in Final Fantasy VII. However, can’t we all just pretend that whoever I don’t pick to be in my main party are just ominously sitting in the background and providing me with moral support? Likewise, how is splitting up the team a good idea at this point? I would get it if we were already outside of the Shinra Building, or had different tasks to perform, but instead the building is still heavily populated by soldiers with guns. In this case the game just decides on its own prerogative that Aeris needs to ferret her way ahead of you to the 66th floor. Why would she do that? Hasn’t Aeris already been kidnapped before, and as a result understands the immense risk that she is in if she travels alone? Wouldn’t breaking the cast apart make it easier to fall into a trap sprung by the Turks….

    IT'S NOT A
    IT'S NOT A "TRAP" IF YOU ARE TRESPASSING! THAT'S JUST "SECURITY!"

    Part 29: This is the Worst Prison I Have Ever Seen

    Now it’s time for the evil President of Shinra to spell out the entire premise behind Shinra’s most recent evil activities. Despite the fact that Shinra has already mapped out the entire world of Final Fantasy VII, there appears to be some long fabled “Promised Land” that no one knows where it is. This would be Atlantis is believed by Shinra to be a brimming source of Mako, and thus profits for them. It doesn’t get any simpler than that ladies and gentlemen! Someone call Weyland-Yutani, because this right here is downright copyright infringement.

    And we would be expecting lot's of things out of you Mr. President if you join Weyland-Yutani right now! What if I added in a signing bonus?
    And we would be expecting lot's of things out of you Mr. President if you join Weyland-Yutani right now! What if I added in a signing bonus?

    I recall going on about how I feel like games should “show, not tell” their narratives, and I cannot help but say that here. As mentioned in a prior section the premise to all of this was set up in a scene just a few moments ago. Following that scene up with another heavy handed expositional dialogue sequence just comes across as overkill in too short a span of time. Secondly, it would have done the story numerous favors if Cloud and company had “earned” this information about the Promised Land, instead of having a mustache twirling villain just lay it out. To a certain extent I can appreciate how I understand who the villains are, and their motivations, but at this point it is beginning to feel too simplistic. Shinra lacks humanity to such a degree that a mind numbing lack of ambiguity or moral discord exists in the story. Now certainly I have to give the game the benefit of the doubt given its age and release date, but again I have to remind you that I’m looking at this game with a different set of glasses than someone who may have played this game at the time of its release.

    This all aside the cast ends up locked up in a prison because the game required a contrived as fuck scene where they all were in the same place at the same time. I say “contrived” in the literal sense as the main cast are thrown into what I can only describe to be one of the worst prisons I have ever seen. Not only does Shinra place multiple people into the same prison cell, but the walls are so thin that Cloud can honest to goodness talk to the other party members without any difficulty. I am honestly not making this up! Look at this shit:

    Umm...I hope you confiscated their Materia as well!
    Umm...I hope you confiscated their Materia as well!
    I guess Cloud has the magical ability to speak through concrete walls. That sounds useful.
    I guess Cloud has the magical ability to speak through concrete walls. That sounds useful.

    I guess the game wanted to have a quieter moment after I had battled the horrible abomination that Hojo created, but that was one battle after mountains of platforming and puzzle sequences. Plus, immediately when the party rescued Aeris she provided her thanks as everyone made their hasty retreat. Then you have to consider the fact that the Shinra President chewed up five to seven minutes of our time. Why are we having YET ANOTHER character building moment? I complain about all of this only due to me growing increasingly tired of the Shinra building as a backdrop. It’s just the same grey and tan earth-tones, with the same looking polygonal rooms and furniture...PLEASE GOD SOMEONE SET ME FREE! It doesn’t help that the story is beginning to feel stagnant at this point. It’s almost as if something mysterious needs to happen in order to set the story loose.

    Oh...I guess I'll take this instead.
    Oh...I guess I'll take this instead.

    Part 30: Oh Hey...Shit Appears to Have Hit the Fan

    So it appears that exactly what I have asked for has happened. The door to Cloud’s prison cell is mysteriously left ajar, and he is able to nab a keycard from an already dead guard. The music and tone of the Shinra Building has also greatly changed. All throughout the building's many levels exists streaks of blood and numerous dead bodies. It goes without saying that the proverbial shit has indeed hit the fan, and I couldn’t be happier. All this time the story seemed stagnant and one step away from getting interesting and I really liked how...oh wait sorry I just had a random encounter with a “For Sale” sign.

    No really...what am I honestly fighting right now?
    No really...what am I honestly fighting right now?

    So where was I? Oh right, the art design at Shinra after the massacre is...FUCK! It’s another random encounter!

    WELL THE LANDSLIDE WILL BRING IT DOWN!
    WELL THE LANDSLIDE WILL BRING IT DOWN!

    *Sigh*

    It’s the same fucking shit no matter where you go. As you attempt to absorb the chaos that has been unleashed upon Shinra the mood and tone is awkwardly broken up time and time again with random encounters. To make matters worse the random encounters here usually result in you fighting what looks like children’s toys or the results of drug induced fever dreams. One of my absolute least favorite parts of Final Fantasy VII is its consistent inability to maintain a narratively consistent tone. I know that’s a bit of a mouthful, but it is a big deal. It appears that this massacre was brought forth by Jenova and Sephiroth, but oh wait it looks like I have to fight Krang from TMNT now:

    I'm a little teapot....
    I'm a little teapot....

    The fact that the character’s mannerisms or attitudes don’t change at all only makes matters worse. No one here expresses any sense of horror or shock despite the fact that the Shinra building is littered with dead bodies, and honestly painted with blood. The game clearly wants to shift to a darker tone, but for whatever reason is unable to fully commit to that. It’s a shame because I honestly feel that far more could have come from this scene, but the game simply doesn’t pounce on that potential.

    DAMN! There goes my recruitment bonus, well maybe next time.
    DAMN! There goes my recruitment bonus, well maybe next time.

    Eventually you encounter the corpse of the President of Shinra whose Sword of Damocles has finally reached him. Cloud surmises that the sword protruding from his back belongs to none other than Sephiroth. So does that mean that Sephiroth is coming back to get his sword? Hey, I guess the game decided to transition to the ultimate antagonist before the end of the first disc! Points to Final Fantasy VII for that one! Oh wait...what’s with that helicopter in the background?

    And just when I thought Final Fantasy VII would get less complicated.
    And just when I thought Final Fantasy VII would get less complicated.

    I guess I have to worry about Rufus, AND Sephiroth from this point forward? This game has too many antagonists! So level with me for a bit because right now I’m struggling to wrap my mind around the different antagonists in play right now. So let’s start with Shinra first. Everything related to Shinra ultimately takes orders from its President, and Rufus is now the President of Shinra. So who is Hojo taking orders from? He seems to operate with an entirely different set of rules than everyone else in Shinra. It sounded like Hojo took orders from the previous President of Shinra, but felt free to mess around with whatever he felt like. So is Hojo yet another antagonist to worry about beyond Rufus and Sephiroth? Then there are the Turks which take orders from Rufus, or do they take orders from Tseng? Are the Turks just a different category in and of themselves? Are the Turks going to be Final Fantasy VII’s version of a “friendly rival?” Then we have to talk about Sephiroth and Jenova! So is Sephiroth under the control of Jenova? Do either of them exert any influence over Shinra? Is Jenova taking orders from anyone we haven’t seen? DO I really want to know that answer to that question? What about all of the horrible monsters in Final Fantasy VII? Are the monsters aligned with any of these factions, or are they just here for shits and giggles? AND WHAT ABOUT DON CORNEO?

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Whatever! I can’t take anymore of this shit! Let’s just move onto the next part of the game!

    Part 31: BOSS RUSH!

    Now isn't that the truth?
    Now isn't that the truth?

    God have mercy on your soul if you forget to transfer your Materia for the next couple of sequences. When Rufus decides to take on our entire ensemble Cloud quickly is the one who volunteers to fight him alone. Everyone else decides to beat a hasty retreat with Tifa staying behind to wait for Cloud. I guess that makes sense? At least this means that I don’t have to worry about creating an optimal party for the next couple of sequences. Anyways, the battle on the elevator is awesome. Barret, Aeris, and Red XIII are forced to confront a tank on a rapidly descending elevator. The pure spectacle of it all is worth commending. What is less commendable is when the game decides to make this a two phase battle purely for the sake of it.

    With that battle behind us it’s time for Cloud to duke it out with Rufus, whose character model looks incomplete. I mean seriously look at his face:

    No Caption Provided

    Oh and Rufus has a shotgun as well as a jaguar to help him out in this battle. Luckily the two of them are weak to poison magic. When Rufus is able to snag a ride on a helicopter I’m left wondering where Shinra’s army went. If Shinra is willing and able to save their prodigal son, then why aren’t they sending an army of attack helicopters to murder Cloud? How about surrounding the Shinra Headquarters with a plethora of tanks? AND WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE TURKS?

    Well then, at least something bad-ass is about to happen next. That said I hope that you are all ready to listen to me being an asshole about what many feel is one of Final Fantasy VII’s “stronger” moments. The scene that I am alluding to is when our cast escape the Shinra Building. Cloud manages to commandeer a bad-ass motorcycle, whereas everyone else is forced to cram themselves into a Kei Car. The stars really aligned themselves today, now didn’t they?

    I hope you put un-leaded Mako in that motorcycle!
    I hope you put un-leaded Mako in that motorcycle!

    Wait a minute, didn’t Barret just exclaim that the entire Shinra building was surrounded? Then why is Cloud commandeering a motorcycle? Wouldn’t driving an open vehicle be a great way to get shot at and mortally wounded? Secondly, the vehicles in the Shinra building appear to models or props of future or current Shinra products that their customers can purchase. Why did those props have fuel, and why in the world would they be fully functioning? How did any of the main cast know that those vehicles would service as transportation? Did they read the script?

    Now if only this was
    Now if only this was "fun" to play....

    Part 32: The Motorcycle Mini-Game (i.e. ZombiePie Complains About the PC Controls Again)

    Okay let’s make this quick. I’m going to show you what the controls for the motorcycle sequence are in Final Fantasy VII on the count of three. One...two...three:

    OH GAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWD SOMEONE JUST SHOOT ME NOW!
    OH GAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWD SOMEONE JUST SHOOT ME NOW!

    Now some of you probably have no idea what this screen translates to on a computer keyboard. So hey, why don’t we turn this into a game? Alright so here’s question #1:

    1.) Which keyboard key do you think you need to press in order to swipe Cloud's sword to the left when driving the motorcycle?

    .

    .

    .

    .

    ANSWER: It's the [Insert]-key.

    Okay...now before we move to the next question I want you to place one of your fingers on the [Insert]-key as I ask you question number #2.

    2.) Which keyboard key do you think you press in order to swipe Cloud's sword to the right when you are on the motorcycle?

    .

    .

    .

    .

    ANSWER: It's the [X]-key.

    Now place a finger of your choice on the [X]-key and tell me which of your two fingers is to your left, and which of your fingers is to your right.

    And to make matters even worse, I attempted to take screen captures whilst trying to
    And to make matters even worse, I attempted to take screen captures whilst trying to "play" this!

    WHO THE FUCK WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR PORTING THIS GAME?!?!?!?!?!? I can’t even begin to list the number of times I was fruitlessly waving my sword on the wrong side of the street because someone at Square forgot to watch the episode of Sesame Street where they talked about the difference between your left and right!

    Oh and by the way, not only do I have to frantically switch between the [X] and [Insert] keys in order to attack the enemies on the screen, but I’m also using THE GODDAMNED ARROW KEYS TO NAVIGATE THE MOTORCYCLE!

    Everything about this was terrible!
    Everything about this was terrible!

    So level with me one more time. You press the up arrow to speed up, and the down arrow to slow down. The left and right arrows each correspond to their appropriate direction. Now that means that I have my right hand on the arrow keys and my left hand free to press the attack buttons.

    Here’s the problem with this set-up. Oh hey look, the enemies are attacking from the right! I guess I’ll move my right hand to the [Insert]-key in order to attack on the right, and my left hand to the arrow keys, because that feels more comfortable than putting my entire hand into a wood chipper! BUT WAIT, even though the [Insert]-key is the rightmost keyboard key for the controls, some rat-bastard at Square thought that it should correspond with attacking to the left! SHIT, I guess I’ll have to shift my hands and frantically press the [X]-key to attack my enemies. OH NO, I bumped into the enemies and now they are on my left hand side, which means I have to switch back to the [Insert]-key again AND I JUST WANT TO DIE!

    I guess it goes without saying that the forces of Shinra attack in waves from all directions, as I struggled to discern my bearings. This travesty is made worse considering that the health levels of your team members from this game segment impact their health levels in the next boss fight. WELL GOLLY WHY DON’T WE JUST PASS AROUND THE FUCKSAUCE AND MAKE A BACON AND FUCKSAUCE SANDWICH! BECAUSE THAT’S HOW I FELT ABOUT THIS!

    JUMP! Just fucking jump! End it all and just embrace the cold comfort of death!
    JUMP! Just fucking jump! End it all and just embrace the cold comfort of death!

    Part 33: OH FUCK! I FUCKED IT UP!

    OH SHIT! I FORGOT TO SWITCH MY MATERIA TO MY MAIN PARTY! BARRET AND TIFA DON’T HAVE SHIT! OH FUCK ME I AM SO TOTALLY FUCKED RIGHT NOW!

    OH FUCK!
    OH FUCK!
    OH JESUS CHRIST! I AM SO FUCKED RIGHT NOW!
    OH JESUS CHRIST! I AM SO FUCKED RIGHT NOW!

    HOW WAS IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT THERE WAS GOING TO BE A BOSS FIGHT AFTER RUFUS? Why would the game offer me a moment to re-equip my Materia right before the battle with Rufus, but NOT this battle? How was I supposed to know that switching all of my Materia to Cloud for the purposes of the Rufus fight was a bad idea?

    FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I only really have few turns left before everyone dies!
    FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I only really have few turns left before everyone dies!
    Please tell me that this was able to do it....
    Please tell me that this was able to do it....
    I DID IT! I'M A FUCKING CHAMPION!
    I DID IT! I'M A FUCKING CHAMPION!

    Despite all of the chaos that our unlikely cast of characters are directly responsible for at Midgar somehow they are able to exit the metropolis unscathed.

    YOUR FUCKING JOURNEY STARTED FIFTEEN FUCKING HOURS AGO TIFA!
    YOUR FUCKING JOURNEY STARTED FIFTEEN FUCKING HOURS AGO TIFA!

    How is that possible? The entire cast was stuck at a dead end! Did Shinra lose track of them AGAIN? Why aren’t the Turks shadowing their tracks? Doesn’t Shinra desperately want to capture Aeris? Why is it that the Turks are only good at kidnapping people when it is convenient to the story?

    WHATEVER! IT’S NORTHWEST TO KALM FOR OUR NEXT EPISODE!

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    imhungry

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    This is a hilarious and wonderful treat, also a great write-up!

    As somebody who probably knows more about FF7 than I probably should I guess I'll just clear up some things and inevitably sound like a crazy person defending this marvelous/insane/horrible game.

    Translation for FF7 is notoriously bad for reasons I can't quite recall here but yeah honestly a lot of the dialogue in that early game is a total mess. Barret's 'pizza' line on the train is referencing the plate dwellers of Midgar, basically referring to the plate as a 'pizza' (which is more of the writer's attempt to characterise Barret as a low class buffoon or whatever) and stating that the slums, which in Midgar's case refers to the areas below the plate, are suffering because of this divide between above and below plate life (read: upper and lower class social divide).

    Also yes, the environments for that Sector 5 construction place and the trainyard and the climbing up the plate sequence are HORRIBLE. Nothing more needs to be said other than man those areas suck. Thankfully places like that aren't too common in the rest of the game, which is not to say there are none because, unfortunately, there are.

    Lastly, if I recall correctly the boss that you fight in the sewers after Corneo drops you in there is suggested to be Don Corneo's pet that he keeps to presumably dispose of people whom he drops into said trap door. I can't remember the exact line of dialogue but I believe it is there. So I guess what I'm saying is that the boss fight isn't entirely unrelated to the previous scenario. Take that for what you will.

    Anyway, thanks for the great write-up again, wish you all the best in this...noble(?) endeavour. If you do find yourself in need of a sherpa down the road I would be happy to offer myself for this horribly misguided cause.

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    deactivated-5c295850623f7

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    "That is to say that this game is very capable of telling an incredibly emotionally charged and fulfilling story. To be honest that’s what I signed up for. That and maybe toss in a few unintentional laughs and plenty of grousing along the way, and you have a recipe for success in my books."

    This summarises FF7 so damn well and I'm relieved you get this so early. It'll pull you through the bits which have aged poorly like the weird adventure game mechanics that pop up every so often. 7 would ultimately have been a massive fail if it's pacing wasn't so masterfully done. It's such a stark contrast to the terrible pacing of 8 that I think you'll eventually come to appreciate.

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    CommodoreGroovy

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    WOW, that was a long blog post! I can't believe I spent an hour reading it. I mean, I definitely enjoyed reading, but you could technically call this a written let's play at its current length, or maybe would calling it cliff notes be more apt? Either way, thanks for sharing.

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    roninenix

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    Cloud IS an asshole, and I kind of like it. He has a good amount of arrogance, confidence and strength to be a capable leader. As for why he's like that, he's a 1st Class Soldier. Anything else related to his attitude, you'll find out more along the way. Cloud is my 3rd most liked FF character behind Vivi and Laguna. What he goes through and what his overall story arc ends up being just made him a likeable character. At the least, He's no Squall and that's good enough.

    Also, what happened to FFIX? I thought that was the next one.

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    MattyFTM

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    #5 MattyFTM  Moderator

    WHATEVER! IT’S NORTHWEST TO KALM FOR OUR NEXT EPISODE!

    NORTH EAST!!!

    Anyways, I'm really glad I decided to start playing Final Fantasy IX right now instead of VII. I have a lot more nostalgia for VII, but IX is a much more coherent game. The characterizations are much better realized and everything just comes together really well. VII is a big mishmash of themes that often come together really well, but at other times feel really disconnected and disjointed.

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    kid_gloves

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    #6  Edited By kid_gloves

    Its important to note that things like the Don Corneo section and Barrett's dialogue aren't EXACTLY the Japanese view on these sections of society. It is filtered through a translator from the west trying to localize it into western social norms as well. I doubt Barrett sounds like Mr. T in Japanese, and its hard to say which parts of the characterizations of gay people are from the original Japanese or from the western interpreters. Other than the graphics of course those are what they are.

    Either way I am interested to see how they handle that stuff in the remake. They don't gel well with recent products from square, but they are in the game they are remaking....

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    ShadyPingu

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    #7  Edited By ShadyPingu

    Really looking forward to this blog series.

    I first played FFVII in 2006, so I had some of the same mechanical frustrations you are experiencing. But I must say the story pulled me through it in the end, and today I count it as my favorite in the series by a mile. I'll be interested to read your reactions to some of the more batshit story beats in this game.

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    sparky_buzzsaw

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    @zombiepie: EAST YOU FOOL! Also, big ups for the random Sword of Damocles reference.

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    Teddie

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    I feel like all the silly stuff in this game is what makes it work in the long run. Sort of like the argument that MGS3's campy writing makes the serious stuff hit harder by appealing to you with fun, likeable characters and then easing them into darker situations-- I feel like FF7 does a good job of that too (ageing translation issues aside). It makes me wonder how much of that will remain in the remake, or if they'll turn it into a melodramatic drama-fest of dumb monologues and completely flat, unrelatable characters like they did in Advent Children.

    @mattyftm said:

    Anyways, I'm really glad I decided to start playing Final Fantasy IX right now instead of VII. I have a lot more nostalgia for VII, but IX is a much more coherent game. The characterizations are much better realized and everything just comes together really well. VII is a big mishmash of themes that often come together really well, but at other times feel really disconnected and disjointed.

    Yeah, say what you will about the twists and quality dips the overall narrative/pacing has, but the characters and themes are consistent and believable throughout. It felt like Square was finally getting to a point where they were comfortable with the tools they had, and knew how to properly express all their ideas in that format.

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    hassun

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    This man actually deeply loves Final Fantasy. Do not believe his lies.

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    thatpinguino

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    #11  Edited By thatpinguino  Staff

    I can't wait until you move past this game and start playing FFIX. FFVII has it's place, but man some moments do not hold up.

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    Crommi

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    #12  Edited By Crommi

    @zombiepie: Speaking of controls, did you know that FF7 was actually released for PC in '98 and the controls were even worse?

    Final Fantasy VII PC (1998) keyboard mapping
    Final Fantasy VII PC (1998) keyboard mapping

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    Turambar

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    #13  Edited By Turambar

    Actually, yes, I did find the threats against Don Corneo's dick to be pretty hilarious when I originally played the game.

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    ZombiePie

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    #14 ZombiePie  Staff  Online
    @imhungry said:

    Translation for FF7 is notoriously bad for reasons I can't quite recall here but yeah honestly a lot of the dialogue in that early game is a total mess. Barret's 'pizza' line on the train is referencing the plate dwellers of Midgar, basically referring to the plate as a 'pizza' (which is more of the writer's attempt to characterise Barret as a low class buffoon or whatever) and stating that the slums, which in Midgar's case refers to the areas below the plate, are suffering because of this divide between above and below plate life (read: upper and lower class social divide).

    Anyway, thanks for the great write-up again, wish you all the best in this...noble(?) endeavour. If you do find yourself in need of a sherpa down the road I would be happy to offer myself for this horribly misguided cause.

    Cool to know about the translation, but I still suspect that Square had some input on how Barret was characterized in the English translation. That said this is all great information to now and consider for the next episode.

    I'll pass on your offer to be my Sherpa for now. I honestly wish to see if I am able to make it all the way through a Final Fantasy game without any extensive help. Admittedly, I bet @sparky_buzzsaw, @mattyftm, @mento, and @thatpinguino are placing bets on how long it will take before I state that I am "quitting." For Final Fantasy VIII I think I threatened to quit the game THREE times.

    @mikachops said:

    "That is to say that this game is very capable of telling an incredibly emotionally charged and fulfilling story. To be honest that’s what I signed up for. That and maybe toss in a few unintentional laughs and plenty of grousing along the way, and you have a recipe for success in my books."

    This summarises FF7 so damn well and I'm relieved you get this so early. It'll pull you through the bits which have aged poorly like the weird adventure game mechanics that pop up every so often. 7 would ultimately have been a massive fail if it's pacing wasn't so masterfully done. It's such a stark contrast to the terrible pacing of 8 that I think you'll eventually come to appreciate.

    It's really the best way that I can describe my initial impressions of Final Fantasy VII. Now admittedly, I really have an issue with the game's pacing and transitional sequences. Right after our party of heroes beat a hasty retreat from the Shinra HQ they are stuck trying to raise Chocobos. And don't even get me started about the Golden Saucer or Costa del Sol.

    This game is all over the place when it comes to its tone and mood.

    WOW, that was a long blog post! I can't believe I spent an hour reading it. I mean, I definitely enjoyed reading, but you could technically call this a written let's play at its current length, or maybe would calling it cliff notes be more apt? Either way, thanks for sharing.

    It was actually meant to be even longer, but last weekend I just had to call it. I meant for this entry to go all the way up to the party reaching Junon, but then I realized that my "dissertation" had capped thirty two pages. Overall it took me two weeks to write, edit, and revise this blog post. This time commitment is part of the reason why it's been so long since my last series.

    The next entry is going to be shorter. I just cannot stomach having to write and edit another blog this monumental. Also, at some point I have to recognize that it makes it more difficult for my readers.

    Cloud IS an asshole, and I kind of like it. He has a good amount of arrogance, confidence and strength to be a capable leader. As for why he's like that, he's a 1st Class Soldier. Anything else related to his attitude, you'll find out more along the way. Cloud is my 3rd most liked FF character behind Vivi and Laguna. What he goes through and what his overall story arc ends up being just made him a likeable character. At the least, He's no Squall and that's good enough.

    Also, what happened to FFIX? I thought that was the next one.

    I don't know, but how you are characterizing Cloud is how the game depicts him maybe 40% of the time. The ultimate issue that I have with Cloud is how inconsistent the game is with sticking with a single character type for him. At one moment he's a moody brooding war veteran, and then in a next scene he's cracking jokes with Tifa and Barret. These sudden character shifts are incredibly off-putting and dizzying in my books.

    ME NOT PLAYING FINAL FANTASY IX IS ALL ON @thatpinguino! He told me to stick with Final Fantasy VII after the Community Endurance Run. We will look into doing something with IX at some point.

    @mattyftm said:

    Anyways, I'm really glad I decided to start playing Final Fantasy IX right now instead of VII. I have a lot more nostalgia for VII, but IX is a much more coherent game. The characterizations are much better realized and everything just comes together really well. VII is a big mishmash of themes that often come together really well, but at other times feel really disconnected and disjointed.

    Oh no...my disease is spreading. What have I done.

    I also decided to check out to see if you even can explore the other parts to the overworld besides Kalm, and the answer is resounding no...well unless you want to get your ass handed to yourself from Midgar Zolom.

    @zombiepie: EAST YOU FOOL! Also, big ups for the random Sword of Damocles reference.

    You may have noticed that I made that reference twice! I'm so creatively inept that I honestly only have two Ancient Greek references in me! Next week, expect to see an Antigone reference come Hell or high water!

    @teddie said:

    I feel like all the silly stuff in this game is what makes it work in the long run. Sort of like the argument that MGS3's campy writing makes the serious stuff hit harder by appealing to you with fun, likeable characters and then easing them into darker situations-- I feel like FF7 does a good job of that too (ageing translation issues aside). It makes me wonder how much of that will remain in the remake, or if they'll turn it into a melodramatic drama-fest of dumb monologues and completely flat, unrelatable characters like they did in Advent Children.

    @mattyftm said:

    Anyways, I'm really glad I decided to start playing Final Fantasy IX right now instead of VII. I have a lot more nostalgia for VII, but IX is a much more coherent game. The characterizations are much better realized and everything just comes together really well. VII is a big mishmash of themes that often come together really well, but at other times feel really disconnected and disjointed.

    Yeah, say what you will about the twists and quality dips the overall narrative/pacing has, but the characters and themes are consistent and believable throughout. It felt like Square was finally getting to a point where they were comfortable with the tools they had, and knew how to properly express all their ideas in that format.

    I see no value in having a heavy handed comedic scene exactly after a national tragedy or massacre has occurred. Everyone understands that the risks are high, and that they are the only ones truly capable of stopping an impending disaster and...it's time to raise Chocobos

    Wh..what? WHY?

    You fight a Jenova eldritch demon...and in the next scene you find Doctor Hojo hanging out with bikini girls. And you just let him have fun with the bikini girls...instead of BLOWING HIS BRAINS OUT FOR BEING A WAR CRIMINAL! Then everyone in your party understand that the world is coming to an end and you spend DAYS in the Golden Saucer.

    But hey...that's just video games.

    @hassun said:

    This man actually deeply loves Final Fantasy. Do not believe his lies.

    I really am starting to understand the appeal to Final Fantasy games, but DAMN are entire parts to these games entirely incomprehensible or indefensible. I can at least say that about Final Fantasy VII and VIII thus far, but it seems like you could say that about any entry in the franchise.

    @turambar said:

    Actually, yes, I did find the threats against Don Corneo's dick to be pretty hilarious when I originally played the game.

    Humor is a weird thing to try and convey in any medium. I can honestly say that there was no age during my lifetime, at least as of now, where I would have found any humor in the Don Corneo mission.

    Am I saying that no one could? Absolutely not. As I mention at about the halfway point of the blog; I'm examining this game from a lens that no one else will have examined it with. If anyone commenting or reading this blog series were to do the same that would apply to them as well.

    Oh and this comment right here applies to no one above in particular, but where the Hell is @dankempster? I have a couple of things that I want to say to him!

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    Jesna

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    It never really bothered me that Cloud assumed he should help Aeris rescue Tifa from Don Corneo. He claims to be some super elite paramilitary dude and his friends are a girl who sells flowers on the side of a street and a young woman who helps run a bar, neither of whom seem particularly well equipped to take down a crime boss. That said, the rest of the mission...yeesh.

    Also, very glad you're back for another round of self-inflicted mental beatings! No one else writes 20+ page diatribes over irritating minutia in decades old RPGs like you do ZP. And I honestly mean that in the most flattering manner possible.

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    newmoneytrash

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    @crommi: whoa i didn't even think about how the original PC version must have controlled. that is... something else

    @zombiepie: VII is still the best, but the beginning maybe isn't, idk. there are a lot of weird one-off mechanics later in the game that don't hold up, but the core of it is still very solid imo.

    though maybe playing this after hearing about VII for like twenty years will have a negative effect on your experience idk

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    Rebel_Scum

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    Awwwww fuck yeah. Can't wait to read this later. Hope you find its less enraging as FFVIII.

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    Shindig

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    Thanks to my many failed runs at this game, I'm sick of the sight of Midgar.

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    deactivated-5c295850623f7

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    @zombiepie: I guess it depends on your tolerance levels for deus ex machina and rapid tonal shifts. Personally I love both narrative techniques because it usually means shit doesn't get boring and predictable. Admittedly, it only really works if the characterisations and story beats are fun/interesting and that there's a cohesive narrative through line binding everything together. Final Fantasy as a series up to the PS2 era strikes a good balance I feel, particularly FF7.

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    Rebel_Scum

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    @imhungry said:
    Translation for FF7 is notoriously bad for reasons I can't quite recall here but yeah honestly a lot of the dialogue in that early game is a total mess.

    It really isn't as bad as everyone says. I've played through this game more than a dozen times with the last being in February this year and I especially paid attention to the translation on that play through only because I've read on the net about how people complain about it. There's only about 8-10 actual punctual or grammatical errors in it.

    I figure people complain about because either:

    a) They read it was a common complaint and went on the bandwagon because they read about it on the net or saw a screenshot with the dialogue "This guy are sick"

    b) Or they don't realise that words like "them" are spelt "dem", or "just" is spelt jes' because they trying to spell it phonetically so that you can gather the character has an accent or way of talking.

    In that example brought up regarding Barret I completely understood what he meant by pizza. He calls the plate a pizza because he's trying to degrade or demean Shinra.

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    Rebel_Scum

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    @shindig said:

    Thanks to my many failed runs at this game, I'm sick of the sight of Midgar.

    Did you end up finishing it?

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    GERALTITUDE

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    #22  Edited By GERALTITUDE

    I have been waiting for this pain!

    :D

    Thanks so much for continuing this feature zombie. It is one of Giant Bomb's greatest attractions for me at this time. If I wasn't premium already, I would sub for this blog. Yes, I know that's pointless, but I don't care anymore!

    Anyhow!

    What a read what a read. Had about 100 different arguments / throw my hands up moments (ALRIGHT THAT'S IT YOU'RE DEAD TO ME) as well as moments that brought tears to my eyes, or, more accurately, the idea of bringing tears to my eyes.

    I'm very glad the atmosphere of Final Fantasy VII is striking you, and glad it still "works". I've always thought that FFVII is (and this may sound weird just now) but a sort of "BioShock" or "System Shock" of its time. Midgar was drenched in atmosphere. It weeps cyber sadness. This carries on throughout the game in some interesting ways. Very excited for you in general.

    I have a laundry list of notes I wanted to say to you so I collected them here. Fair warning... long blog posts begets long laundry list...

    1. I laughed so hard at this keyboard controls and then the motorcycle controls explanation. I put my hands on the keys to try to mimic that control and nearly cried it was so absurd/hilarious.
    2. The opening music of the game is some of my favourite. This is why when they revelead the FFVII remake, from the first two or notes I knew exactly what I was looking at.
    3. I love AVALANCHE. (I don't love real world Terrorists ps). FFVII appealed to my cynical non-trusting of government and organization nature. As a kid I just assumed Shinra was so evil right from the get go (kids don't need you to prove someone is evil, just make them "not you" and the job is done!). It's interesting though looking at your blog, I completely forgot that the slum denizens also call out AVALANCE as being less than savory. A more complex world than I remembered in this regard. And uh, yeah, I guess we did kill a lot of people huh?
    4. Nice, purple and blue! I think I greyed mine out because I hate fun.
    5. RANDOM ENCOUNTER TIPS: you can control battle speed from Config. No reason to be afraid of this if battles are taking too long, or conversely, get too hard later. Also, ATB wait means enemies won't attack you while you are in a sub menu (magic, items).
    6. It is weird there is no tutorial first in the game. OR IS THERE! The original hardcopy of FFVII (errr disc) had a few pages at the end dedicated to explaining how to get through this first power plant. Definitely the designers intended it as a test for players. Keeping in mind 99% of FFVII had never even heard of a jrpg, I think it was smart to push us so hard. I remember running out of the time the first time. Yeah, it kinda sucks in a way, but I understand the reasoning.
    7. I don't think the early characterization of Cloud/Avalanche is bad, but it is rushed. It's supposed to be a simple "We don't trust you because you worked for Shinra, F Off" transition to "Oh hey you killed that robot and got us out of that sticky situation! Nice!" transition to "Shit is he dead? Damn man." Super rushed, but not broken imo.
    8. Yeah that guy banging one out to the radio tower is really fucked up.
    9. All the Aeris/Cloud writing is really great. Don't be afraid to talk disagreeable to anyone, FFVII isn't really remembering your choices long term, and the game treats answers like "You're the slum drunk" more as a funny joke than say a Renegade Response.
    10. The barrel thing sucked back then too, but it was kinda impressive how the barrels rolled around. Gotta remember man that was probably the first barrel I ever saw fall and roll! NUTS!
    11. THE PLANK/PIPE IN SECTOR 5. When I first rented FFVII, I got stuck here. And that was it. THAT WAS FUCKING IT. For a whole weekend I failed to progress past this plank and had to return the game. I figured it out purely by accident. This is a common story with this motherfucking plank. Happened to a lot of us. Fuck this plank. I say plank because I do think that was a wood texture back in the day.
    12. Every time I see new renders of FFVII remake I wonder what the house enemy with the boxing glove/rocket will look like
    13. I never read the wrestlers as a negative portrayal of homosexuality, I thought they were just making fun of american wrestling or something... bit innocent on my part I guess? I see what you're saying with this whole sequence but at the same time I feel it is a positive that this game, of all games, about a "cool guy" with a huge sword, has this super famous scene where you dress up as a lady. Cross-dressing doesn't happen much in games so it's neat there is this touchstone moment in the genre. I feel you though.
    14. Yep, that train ladder was also hard to see in the original. They were just figuring this shit out back then, you know? FFVIII doesn't have these sorts of insane navigation problems I don't think, but you know, it has, um, a few other problems.
    15. I love the Turks. No spoilers here but you can think of them as a sort of RAIJUN/FUJIN rivals.
    16. A random defence of Barrett and his "Pizza in the Sky". I am a person of colour, and growing up, Barrett was my hero man. I was so stunned when I saw him originally. Seriously games did not have any skin colour that was not pixely/yellow/grey or white at that time. Seeing Barrett made my feel like the developers of this game didn't hate me for my skin colour, which was something that was difficult to deal with as a kid at that time. Barrett talks like a street tough but it felt legit to me, and I still think he is unfairly characterized as "dumb" which I don't agree with at all. I think Pizza In The Sky is a perfect rap, you know, if you were a rapper living in Midgar. I've never agreed with the disparaging comments about FFVII's translation. That seems to be a popular sentiment that just stuck for whatever reason. There are bad lines, no doubt, but all in all I think it's pretty solid.
    17. Aries' mom's flashback is legendary. This game has a lot of heart.
    18. Also legendary: that climb to the Shinra tower. You're right. It's disgusting. It was disgusting and stupid back then too. Just random objects you hop on. Super rough. I don't have any proof about this but I think it is evident Midgar was build first, and the developers used it to discover what FFVII is. Unless I am mistaken, you will never see anything quite like those screens, and thank goodness.
    19. I'm happy you had a dramatic end to your fight on the bridge. That's FF turn-based combat at it's best.

    Also, some spoiler free answers to a few of your questions:

    - Hojo works for "The Shinra Electric Company", but he's a classic mad scientist. Does what he wants on the side when not working direct on a Shinra project. You will see what project that is later.
    - The Turks do work for Shinra also. Shinra has basically 3 important wings: an army (those guys with the crummy guns, robots), Navy SEALS (SOLDIER) and a Secret Police/Gestapo (The Turks).
    - Tseng is the boss of the Turks, he reports to the Shinra president.

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    Shindig

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    @shindig said:

    Thanks to my many failed runs at this game, I'm sick of the sight of Midgar.

    Did you end up finishing it?

    I've never seen the change disc screen. Furthest I got was what felt like the disc one climax. I'll get round to it eventually. I just need to go long enough without reformatting my PS3.

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    Onemanarmyy

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    @zombiepie i noticed that Cloud isn't called Cloudz. did you.. did you replay all the sections you played for Extra Life , just to be able to write this blog?

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    ZombiePie

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    #25 ZombiePie  Staff  Online

    @crommi said:

    @zombiepie: Speaking of controls, did you know that FF7 was actually released for PC in '98 and the controls were even worse?

    Final Fantasy VII PC (1998) keyboard mapping
    Final Fantasy VII PC (1998) keyboard mapping

    Honestly that's only slight worse than the incredibly spread out nature of the current keyboard setup, or at least that is my personal opinion. I just got done with the marching and military drill mini-games, and they are made frustrating difficult because half of the buttons that you need to press are by the [Caps Lock]-key, and the other half are by the numeric keypad.

    However, as I have never played the old PC controls I honestly can't say if this opinion holds any water.

    @jesna said:

    It never really bothered me that Cloud assumed he should help Aeris rescue Tifa from Don Corneo. He claims to be some super elite paramilitary dude and his friends are a girl who sells flowers on the side of a street and a young woman who helps run a bar, neither of whom seem particularly well equipped to take down a crime boss. That said, the rest of the mission...yeesh.

    Also, very glad you're back for another round of self-inflicted mental beatings! No one else writes 20+ page diatribes over irritating minutia in decades old RPGs like you do ZP. And I honestly mean that in the most flattering manner possible.

    Aeris, somewhat makes sense in the grand scheme of things, but Tifa is a trained terrorist that learned karate from a random bozo. She's too legit to quit as they would say. However, in all honesty the weak scaffolding that starts the horror of the Don Corneo mission essentially sets it up for great scrutiny. I would have been able to overlook the starting premise had the end result not been a gross and transphobic mess.

    Also, thank you for your support.

    @crommi: whoa i didn't even think about how the original PC version must have controlled. that is... something else

    @zombiepie: VII is still the best, but the beginning maybe isn't, idk. there are a lot of weird one-off mechanics later in the game that don't hold up, but the core of it is still very solid imo.

    though maybe playing this after hearing about VII for like twenty years will have a negative effect on your experience idk

    Well this is certainly "interesting," because I have honestly heard the opposite from other people that I have talked to. My other sources, which did not get into specifics, warned me that Final Fantasy VII's becomes incredibly convoluted and insane by the start of the second disc. That and the game begins to wear its more science fiction influences clearer as the story progress, and this all for the worse. Then again some of the people I have talked to really like the second disc.

    Maybe it's a case of "your mileage may vary."

    Awwwww fuck yeah. Can't wait to read this later. Hope you find its less enraging as FFVIII.

    It's honestly a different type of frustrating. Like, the random encounters are a bummer, and all of the platforming and puzzles are terrible, but I think it has a better story than Final Fantasy VIII. Also, the Materia System doesn't seem as hilariously broken as the Junction System.

    @crommi: whoa i didn't even think about how the original PC version must have controlled. that is... something else

    @zombiepie: VII is still the best, but the beginning maybe isn't, idk. there are a lot of weird one-off mechanics later in the game that don't hold up, but the core of it is still very solid imo.

    though maybe playing this after hearing about VII for like twenty years will have a negative effect on your experience idk

    Well this is certainly "interesting," because I have honestly heard the opposite from other people that I have talked to. My other sources, which did not get into specifics, warned me that Final Fantasy VII's becomes incredibly convoluted and insane by the start of the second disc. That and the game begins to wear its more science fiction influences clearer as the story progress, and this all for the worse.

    Maybe it's a case of "your mileage may vary."

    @zombiepie: I guess it depends on your tolerance levels for deus ex machina and rapid tonal shifts. Personally I love both narrative techniques because it usually means shit doesn't get boring and predictable. Admittedly, it only really works if the characterisations and story beats are fun/interesting and that there's a cohesive narrative through line binding everything together. Final Fantasy as a series up to the PS2 era strikes a good balance I feel, particularly FF7.

    Admittedly, my tolerance is very low for deus ex machina.

    I mean...it's not like we are talking about Star Ocean: Till the End of Time here. It's not as if Final Fantasy VII looks as if it is going to completely change its narrative tone at the drop of the hat. It's just that the transitions are so awkward. The very first thing you do after witnessing the Nibelheim Incident for the first time is to catch your first Chocobo, and don't even get me started on the Golden Saucer.

    WHY DO YOU GO TO THE GOLDEN SAUCER TWICE!!! THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO END AND EVERYONE JUST UPS AND DECIDES TO HAVE FUN FOR THREE DAYS!

    @shindig said:
    @rebel_scum said:
    @shindig said:

    Thanks to my many failed runs at this game, I'm sick of the sight of Midgar.

    Did you end up finishing it?

    I've never seen the change disc screen. Furthest I got was what felt like the disc one climax. I'll get round to it eventually. I just need to go long enough without reformatting my PS3.

    Well...SHIT!

    Okay without spoiling anything...was there a soul crushingly difficult part in the game the motivated you to stop, or was it purely due to technical issues?

    @zombiepie i noticed that Cloud isn't called Cloudz. did you.. did you replay all the sections you played for Extra Life , just to be able to write this blog?

    *SIGH*

    Because I am an idiot, and I wanted to get a new set of screencaps for the blog I decided to start from scratch. As of right now I have yet to entirely catch up to where I ended during the livestream.

    It was a dumb decision on my part because it resulted in me completely ruining my last weekend.

    But rest assured...giant broken Cloud is coming...HIS RETURN IS NIGH!

    @imhungry said:
    Translation for FF7 is notoriously bad for reasons I can't quite recall here but yeah honestly a lot of the dialogue in that early game is a total mess.

    It really isn't as bad as everyone says. I've played through this game more than a dozen times with the last being in February this year and I especially paid attention to the translation on that play through only because I've read on the net about how people complain about it. There's only about 8-10 actual punctual or grammatical errors in it.

    I figure people complain about because either:

    a) They read it was a common complaint and went on the bandwagon because they read about it on the net or saw a screenshot with the dialogue "This guy are sick"

    b) Or they don't realise that words like "them" are spelt "dem", or "just" is spelt jes' because they trying to spell it phonetically so that you can gather the character has an accent or way of talking.

    In that example brought up regarding Barret I completely understood what he meant by pizza. He calls the plate a pizza because he's trying to degrade or demean Shinra.

    My issue with this is that the translation team are more or less making up their own vernacular slang. It's their attempt at trying to create a vernacular language that is inspired by others that do exist.

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    Shindig

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    @zombiepie: Nothing really difficult, I just needed to swap in a new drive so Yakuza 5 would install properly.

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    ThisIsACoolTag

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    @crommi said:

    @zombiepie: Speaking of controls, did you know that FF7 was actually released for PC in '98 and the controls were even worse?

    Final Fantasy VII PC (1998) keyboard mapping
    Final Fantasy VII PC (1998) keyboard mapping

    Honestly that's only slight worse than the incredibly spread out nature of the current keyboard setup, or at least that is my personal opinion. I just got done with the marching and military drill mini-games, and they are made frustrating difficult because half of the buttons that you need to press are by the [Caps Lock]-key, and the other half are by the numeric keypad.

    However, as I have never played the old PC controls I honestly can't say if this opinion holds any water.

    I'm pretty sure I used a Gravis GamePad Pro to play it in 1999/2000, and now I use a (wired) 360 pad to play the Steam iteration.It's always been a bit hectic trying to remember the buttons when it flashes up 'press cancel!' 'press option!' in those mini-games, but I think I'd have the same problems on keyboard.

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    beforet

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    Thanks @zombiepie for going on this journey for us! Midgar is kind of a mess, but I want to say that the random minigames get more spread out once you hit the world map (though they are definitely present. You've already talked about the marching scene. Even with a proper controller I could never get that part right). Also, Chocobos are legit, and I will hear no argument made against them.

    Also, forewarning: if you intend on playing Final Fantasy IX on PC (which I assume will be the easiest option), the polygonal characters floating in another plane of existence problem is significantly worse. They updated the character models, but did not have the uncompressed backgrounds, so they are still PS1 resolution images that have been badly upscaled. The result is...disconcerting. But the PC controls are a lot better, and actually support the mouse.

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    riostarwind

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    #29 riostarwind  Moderator

    Well you went all out with this opening blog post about FFVII. I continue to appreciate your ask questions style of writing. Because I tend to just go with whatever story the developers are trying to tell instead of taking the time to think why almost none of these scenes make sense.

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    ZombiePie

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    #30  Edited By ZombiePie  Staff  Online

    Alright so here's the deal...I'm at the Golden Saucer. This is the first time when you go to the Golden Saucer by the way. I have a problem...and it's the side quests in this game. As I'm going into this game without a "Sherpa" I have no idea which side quests I should do, and which ones I should avoid like the plague. So really quickly I'm going to do an all call to everyone who has commented on this blog. I'm sorry if this is a bit of a disturbance but I honestly have no idea what I should and should NOT spend my time on here, and NEED honest to goodness input on this. Here's a list of the side quests that I was able to find for the game. Rest assured that all I did was locate a few lists of the side quests, and didn't actually read what they are or involve:

    1. Fort Condor
    2. Acquiring Yuffie (I have completed this)
    3. Turtle's Paradise
    4. Getting all of the items in the Golden Saucer
    5. Golden Saucer Battle Square
    6. Going to Wutai
    7. Wutai Pagoda
    8. Returning to Nibelheim
    9. Returning to Cosmo Canyon
    10. Chocobo Sage's House
    11. Returning to Midgar/The Key to Sector 5
    12. Acquiring Vincent
    13. Lucrecia's Crystal Cave
    14. The Sunken Gelnika
    15. Da-Chao Fire Cavern
    16. Ultimate Weapon Battle
    17. The Ancient Forest
    18. Chocobo Racing and Breeding
    19. The Materia Caves
    20. Acquiring all Level 4 Limit Breaks
    21. Acquiring all Ultimate Weapons
    22. The Kalm Traveler
    23. Defeating Emerald Weapon
    24. Defeating Ruby Weapon
    25. Acquiring all Enemy Skill Materia Skills

    So right off the bat I'm going to create two categories for some of these quests. Let's call one category the "FUCK THAT SHIT!" Category, and the other the "I'll Try It ONCE, But Wont Stop My Let's Play Series If I Can't Complete It," Category.

    FUCK THAT SHIT!I'll Try It...ONCE!
    • Acquiring all Enemy Skill Materia Skills
    • Acquiring all Ultimate Weapons
    • Acquiring all Level 4 Limit Breaks
    • Getting all of the items in the Golden Saucer
    • Ultimate Weapon Battle
    • Defeating Emerald Weapon
    • Defeating Ruby Weapon
    • Chocobo Racing and Breeding

    Oh GOD...it sounds like I'm going to have to spend a ton of time with Chocobos...FUCK!

    So what does everyone else think? By that I mean:

    @sparky_buzzsaw@mento@thatpinguino@riostarwind@beforet@thisisacooltag@onemanarmyy@geraltitude@dankempster@rebel_scum@mattyftm@mikachops@tajasaurus@jesna@turambar@hassun@teddie@encephalon@kid_gloves@roninenix@commodoregroovy@imhungry

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    kid_gloves

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    You should acquire as many of the ultimate weapons as you can, or at least for the party members you use the most. They are really powerful and help immensely with speeding the later stages of the game along.

    I had fun with the chocobo racing/breeding when I was a kid but honestly FUCK IT, the road to breeding all them chocobos to get the best summon is long, arduous, and only worth it if you really want to 1 hit kill a lot of things with a 2.5 minute animation. There are other better ways to break the game than this.

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    Teddie

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    ...Never do the chocobo breeding stuff.

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    Captain_Insano

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    Riveting. I read the whole thing. Can't wait for the next write up.

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    Jesna

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    @zombiepie: Alright, here is a chart of what I remember of the sidequests. I'll supplement some of them with cheaterface internet knowledge to save you from unintentional spoilers.

    Worth Doing/Trying until you're sick of them:

    • Fort Condor
    • Going to Wutai (Make a separate save file before attempting this. Trust me.)
    • Wutai Pagoda
    • Return to Cosmo Canyon
    • Chocobo Sage's House
    • Return to Sector 5 (Only if Tifa is one of your primary characters)
    • Acquiring Vincent (You should really get Vincent, but there is no shame in looking up how in a guide. Its really confusing.)
    • Lucrecia's Crystal Cave (Only if Vincent is one of your primary characters)
    • The Sunken Gelnika
    • Da-chao Fire Cavern
    • Ultimate Weapon Battle (You will hate what happens here, and I want to read about it.)
    • The Ancient Forest (only if you complete the previous quest)

    Meh/Stuff You Probably Don't Want to Bother With:

    • Turtle's Paradise
    • Getting all the Items in Golden Saucer
    • Golden Saucer Battle Square (You might want to do this if you really want to beat the lategame optional stuff(Don't Bother))
    • Returning to Nibelheim
    • Defeating Emerald Weapon
    • Defeating Ruby Weapon

    Fuck Everything About These:

    • Acquiring all Level 4 limit breaks
    • Acquiring all Ultimate Weapons
    • Acquiring all Enemy Skill Materia Skills
    • The Kalm Traveler
    • The Materia Caves
    • ANYTHING TO DO WITH CHOCOBO RACING

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    sparky_buzzsaw

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    The problem with trying to defeat the Weapons is that you'll probably need to do some of the other sidewuests in order to make the fights bearable. There are ways to cheese them, but honestly, I wouldn't bother. The payoff isn't worth it. So I'd add the Weapons to the Fuck Everything Sbout These list items. Beyond thst, Jesna's breakdown mirrors mine.

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    beforet

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    #36  Edited By beforet

    @jesna said:

    @zombiepie: Alright, here is a chart of what I remember of the sidequests. I'll supplement some of them with cheaterface internet knowledge to save you from unintentional spoilers.

    Worth Doing/Trying until you're sick of them:

    • Fort Condor
    • Going to Wutai (Make a separate save file before attempting this. Trust me.)
    • Wutai Pagoda
    • Return to Cosmo Canyon
    • Chocobo Sage's House
    • Return to Sector 5 (Only if Tifa is one of your primary characters)
    • Acquiring Vincent (You should really get Vincent, but there is no shame in looking up how in a guide. Its really confusing.)
    • Lucrecia's Crystal Cave (Only if Vincent is one of your primary characters)
    • The Sunken Gelnika
    • Da-chao Fire Cavern
    • Ultimate Weapon Battle (You will hate what happens here, and I want to read about it.)
    • The Ancient Forest (only if you complete the previous quest)

    Meh/Stuff You Probably Don't Want to Bother With:

    • Turtle's Paradise
    • Getting all the Items in Golden Saucer
    • Golden Saucer Battle Square (You might want to do this if you really want to beat the lategame optional stuff(Don't Bother))
    • Returning to Nibelheim
    • Defeating Emerald Weapon
    • Defeating Ruby Weapon

    Fuck Everything About These:

    • Acquiring all Level 4 limit breaks
    • Acquiring all Ultimate Weapons
    • Acquiring all Enemy Skill Materia Skills
    • The Kalm Traveler
    • The Materia Caves
    • ANYTHING TO DO WITH CHOCOBO RACING

    I was gonna write something big out, but this guy covers most of it. Where I disagree most is in Fort Condor. It's worth trying out once, maybe, but you have likely already missed parts of this quest. Going back to Nibelheim is easy enough and will fill in some plot info. Good for disc three when doing clean up. Most of the Ultimate Weapons are not worth it (Gameplay spoiler: they have 0 ap growth, so materia won't level up), but I'd also say just keep a guide open to get the easy stuff (there is 0 in game direction from what I remember. FF7 was made to sell guides I swear to god). I'd say try fighting Ultimate Weapon. It has a gimmick, but is also a pretty easy fight and you get stuff. Most of the limit breaks also aren't a huge issue to get, it's mostly unlocking the limit breaks leading up to level 4 that's a bitch and a half. Lots of hidden numbers.

    Really, the thing you have to realize that for all of the "worthwhile" quests (getting weapons, spells, chocobos) there is 0 or close to 0 direction in game on how to do any of that. So you will require a guide of some sort for basically all of them. You don't need any of them to complete the game. So, you may be better off just skipping them entirely.

    ALSO CHOCOBO RACING IS THE BOMB MOTHER FUCKER BREED YOUR BIRDS TOGETHER TO GET THAT WHITE CHOCOBO SON*!

    *There is no white chocobo you can get. That was one of those crazy urban legends where you'd have to do crazy shit like talk to every NPC 9 times and then Tifa would take her shirt off sorry what was I talking about?

    But for real, I as a child put maybe 30 hours of my game time into perfecting the chocobo stuff. I..really liked the Chocobos.

    Edit:

    @sparky_buzzsaw said:

    The problem with trying to defeat the Weapons is that you'll probably need to do some of the other sidewuests in order to make the fights bearable. There are ways to cheese them, but honestly, I wouldn't bother. The payoff isn't worth it. So I'd add the Weapons to the Fuck Everything Sbout These list items. Beyond thst, Jesna's breakdown mirrors mine.

    Also this, actually. The Weapons (besides maybe Ultimate) give very poor rewards beyond satisfaction, and even then not much of that. Fight them once, see the spectacle, then move on.

    Edit Again:

    There are specific Enemy Skills that are worth picking up, but definitely not all of them. Again, this is where you'd need a guide to know what you can actually get, and what's actually worth it. But there is good stuff.

    Here's how Enemy Skills work: When an enemy uses one of the enemy skills on a character with this materia equipped, they learn the skill. They have to survive.

    Most are not worth it. Some are very worth it, especially early-mid game. For your purposes? You can ignore them.

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    kasaioni

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    So I personally am playing this with an Xbox 360 controller, and you're farther along than I am, but I can safely say that using a controller is not that much better. At least with the 360 controller, the game doesn't allow you to use the d-pad for menus; only the analogue stick. Now I know the d-pad on the 360 controller is pretty bad, but its still better than using the analogue stick which results in the hand flying all over the place in menus.

    That's my biggest complaint so far. I'm also playing the game for the first time, and overall I find it enjoyable. As long as I curb my expectations and remember that this is a PS1 game, and that PS1 games are usually clunky as hell (MGS1, I love you, but fuck). I like that the combat and related mechanics are pretty simple. It didn't take me long to understand how those orbs you infuse into weapons and armor work, and limit breaks are fun.

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    GERALTITUDE

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    @jesna's list is almost 100% on the money from where I'm sitting. Skip the weapons but do go back to Nibelheim. Never been a fan of chocobos, but I did go all the way with that once. I remember the race being addictive but also remember hating everything to do with chocobos, top to bottom. Wutai is a must do. Vincent is cool.

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    wchigo

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    #39  Edited By wchigo

    Mate, I've been sending tons of mail to your idontgiveashit@comcast.net account and have yet to ever hear back from you. Check your emails duder!

    Some people covered the pizza = Midgar plate thing so I'll not go into that again. One thing I did want to bring up is that Hojo did not "pit" Red XIII against Aeris. In actuality, Hojo was trying to interbred the two of them as Aeris is the last of the Ancients and there's not a whole lot of Red XIII's species left around. Basically, he's REAL weird and freaky.

    Cloud: "What do you think you're doing'?"

    Hojo: "Lending a helping hand to an endangered species... Both of them are on the brink of extinction..."

    Hojo: "If I don't help, all these animals will disappear."

    Red XIII, after assisting your party, even delivers the following line

    "I have a right to choose, too. I don't like two-legged things."

    Oh, right! As far Enemy Skills, (you're gonna love this...) the way it works is you have to acquire specific skills from specific enemies to fill out the material. What basically happens is that if you find an enemy that has a skill that is pre-programmed into the Enemy Skill materia, whoever has the materia equipped must be hit with that move and SURVIVE the attack in order to learn that move. You must then win the battle because if you lose, then you're going to have to do it all over again.

    So let's say Thundershock is a move that was pre-programmed into Enemy Skill. If you have it equipped on Cloud, you must find the specific enemy that uses Thundershock and have the enemy use that move on Cloud in order for the move to be learned; Cloud cannot die from that attack or he fails to learn the move. When you beat the enemy and finish the battle, the move is considered "saved" to the Enemy Skill materia. Note that you must do this for each Enemy Skill materia you own. Good times, no?

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    hassun

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    #40  Edited By hassun

    @zombiepie said:

    I'll Try It...ONCE!
    • Chocobo Racing and Breeding

    Go for it, I have faith in you.

    No Caption Provided

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    Rebel_Scum

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    @zombiepie

    I'll try to answer your question without spoilers

    Fort Condor: Only worth doing if done regularly. There is an order to this to get all items from this quest. If you don't like the mini game then don't do it. There's nothing really amazing item wise.

    Turtle's Paradise: No amazing items come from it but it is hard to miss completing it anyways.

    Getting all of the items in the Golden Saucer: Nah, but you'll probably like Enemy Away materia which reduces the random encounters by 50%. You get that from S-rank chocobo races only though. Clouds final limit break Omnislash is probably the best item that you should get.

    Golden Saucer Battle Square: See above re: Omnislash.

    Ultimate Weapon Battle: Yeah this is a good one, also Shadow Flare enemy skill is obtained from this

    The Ancient Forest: Yeah there's good items here. The layout and mini-game in this will infuriate you which will make for good reading lol. The layout is probably way worse than the slum area in Midgar with the pipe and murderous houses.

    Chocobo Racing and Breeding: Yeah I think you should go for the golden chocobo just to get all summon materias. It doesn't take as long as people say. If you buy heaps of reagen greens from the Chocobo sage and do short races only you can usually get away with just starting the race and not pay attention until its over. As a minimum you only need to level a chocobo up to B rank before mating. This guide is the definitive guide http://www.chocobo-guide.mikestomb.com/

    The Materia Caves: Need golden chocobo to finish, see above.

    Acquiring all Level 4 Limit Breaks: Up to you really. Do you feel you need to see everyone's limit break? Clouds one is essential, Cids ones are pretty cool.

    Acquiring all Ultimate Weapons: Some of these are painful to get, like Cait Siths one is back in Shinra HQ which means a bit of a trek past Wall Market.

    The Kalm Traveler: Seeing as you need to beat all the Weapons to finish I'd say nah. Ruby Weapon is a bitch.

    Defeating Emerald Weapon: He's easily beaten at level 70

    Defeating Ruby Weapon: Ugh, the amount of grind to level up to beat this guy

    Acquiring all Enemy Skill Materia Skills: Essentials are Big Guard, Aqualung, Beta, Trine, Shadow Flare and White Wind

    These ones below are mainly story enhancers. I think all story related things in this game are worth doing because they are so good. Anything to do with Wutai should be done when you get the Tiny Bronco for story continuity sake. I recommend looking up where Vincent's side quest story lines are. You've mentioned all but one below. They are the more interesting parts imo.

    Going to Wutai

    Wutai Pagoda

    Returning to Nibelheim

    Returning to Cosmo Canyon

    Returning to Midgar/The Key to Sector 5

    Acquiring Vincent

    Lucrecia's Crystal Cave

    The Sunken Gelnika

    Da-Chao Fire Cavern

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    Bernard_Bernoulli

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    Why not just play the PS1 version?

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    thatpinguino

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    #43  Edited By thatpinguino  Staff

    @bernard_bernoulli: He doesn't own any Sony consoles. That's the reason he wasn't able to play FFIX until now.

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    elflaconeri

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    @crommi: Having played this on PC when it was initially released, that control scheme was actually pretty good. You could adapt to a two-hands-on-the-numpad setup easily enough, and it was way less irritating than the current split scheme seems to be.

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    Crommi

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    @elflaconeri: I just found it really difficult to deal with and that problem persisted through the whole game, which may have affected my overall opinion on the experience (I like FFVIII more). The new controls are not much better and the flipped order is really bad for minigames that rely on it, but I think it's better for usual gameplay (running around, battles, menus). "Better" as in pile of turd that doesn't smell quite as bad.

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    TechnoSyndrome

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    #46  Edited By TechnoSyndrome

    A lot of the points of the story and characters you harp on are why I'm really excited for the remake in theory. If you fleshed out or changes spots you could make FFVII into such a stronger story, which combined with modern visuals and voice acting could really elevate the material. I still really enjoy FFVII and part of that is because I can look at it through the lens of the era it was made in, but I do think there's room for improvement and hope against hope that Square Enix doesn't just fuck up the writing for their multipart re-do.

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    Mamba219

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    #47  Edited By Mamba219

    @mikachops said:

    "That is to say that this game is very capable of telling an incredibly emotionally charged and fulfilling story. To be honest that’s what I signed up for. That and maybe toss in a few unintentional laughs and plenty of grousing along the way, and you have a recipe for success in my books."

    This summarises FF7 so damn well and I'm relieved you get this so early. It'll pull you through the bits which have aged poorly like the weird adventure game mechanics that pop up every so often. 7 would ultimately have been a massive fail if it's pacing wasn't so masterfully done. It's such a stark contrast to the terrible pacing of 8 that I think you'll eventually come to appreciate.

    I just have no idea what you're talking about here.

    FF7 is one of the worst paced games I've ever played, particularly once you leave Midgar. As soon as the flashback sequence is over, the game becomes a 1980's Dragon Quest game. Literally nothing of value happens plot-wise until well after Rocket Town.

    While I'll agree that overall FF8 is a worse experience, it's certainly better paced.

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    ALavaPenguin

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    I never ever liked FF7. I despise most of that game.

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    Bernard_Bernoulli

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    @bernard_bernoulli: He doesn't own any Sony consoles. That's the reason he wasn't able to play FFIX until now.

    Oh. Well, just emulate it, then. I mean, if the controls are that off-putting, there are ways to fix that.

    This edit will also create new pages on Giant Bomb for:

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